Boasting in My Weakness

I’ve got to say, it’s not easy for me to think about writing this post. Even simply typing the title made me pause.

I’m the kind of person who likes to be right—who needs to be right (or at least I think I do). I want to be the one who’s dependable and got it all together.

But, truth is, I’m not – and I don’t.

God is at work in my heart and life. Often I wish He would hurry up and finish so that I would just be good to go. But then I wouldn’t need Him as desperately, would I?

In the past weeks and months, I’ve been wrestling with apathy. Well, actually, a more accurate description would be that I’ve been giving in to apathy without putting up a lot of fight.

I’ve been battling discouragement, hypocrisy, etc. You name one of those inner struggles that’s so easy to put a mask over, I’ve probably been dealing with it to some extent.

But God – He sees right through my masks. Jesus Christ sees my heart with His eyes of blazing fire that our teacher talked about this morning in church (from Revelations 2:18). And yet this same God doesn’t only see in me what I so often focus on, the sin & failures, the guilt. God the Father sees in me the righteousness of His Son, our Savior.

That’s what He reminded me of this afternoon as I knelt on my bed, crying for shame & guilt of my shortcomings. And to my heart, three simple words, yet so profound that it will take eternity to understand: He loves me.

Yes, in myself I am weak – so very prone to give into the temptation of the easy, selfish path. But in my weakness is the opportunity for His strength to be displayed, for His glory.

Because if living the Christian life—a life that pleases God—is something that I could work up to do in my own strength, there would have been no need for Christ to come.

I need Him, He who has fought the war and won the victory; He who has defeated the enemies of sin and Satan and death. The balance is there: The war has been won, and yet I am called to fight the daily battles by the power of the Victor flowing in and through me.

Yesterday as I worked on laundry, some of these same thoughts which have been common these past weeks were already circling in my mind. I shut off the podcast I was listening to, and prayed seeking to listen to my God instead. And in that, I was reminded of the need to put to death my old man, my fleshly desires, each day. But I can’t even crucify my own flesh – that can only be done through the Spirit who brings life in the place of death (Romans 8:13).

Thanks be to God, it is not that I must struggle against my flesh in order to win God’s acceptance and approval. On the contrary, He has adopted me as His daughter through Christ’s death – thereby giving the only reason I have hope of choosing life over the sin and death which form our natural, fallen state (Romans 8:12-17).

And yesterday, as He called me to the beginning of this memory, my mind flew back to a little something I had started in March and finished in June:

I say I started it in March. That’s not strictly true. March is when I pulled some images of crosses from the Internet and selected a font, all of which I began to combine and trace to make this image. But the story of this picture started almost four years ago, on my 21^st birthday at JBU’s Sunday night chapel service. It was there that the words “I am Thine” (referring to myself in relationship to my heavenly Lord, obviously) became emblazoned on my mind. They’ve been there ever since, and often my heart has repeated that cry.

The cross was added to the mental image later, in Northern Ireland. That’s a story of its own, perhaps for another day. But over these past two years since that trip, I’ve been wanting to draw this. Last month, the image was finally completed. And yesterday, it suddenly took on even deeper significance. Not only is the cross the symbol of Christ’s redemption of our souls, it is also the symbol of what we are called to: To take up our cross each day – not to earn our salvation, but because we have it (Luke 9:23-25, Philippians 3:7-11).

These words, this symbol – they are far beyond anything I can accomplish in and of myself. It is all Christ. Therefore, I will gladly boast in my weakness, that through me the strength of His grace may be seen (2 Corinthians 12:9). For His glory alone.

Why Cast Your Burdens?

Last year about this time, I wrote a couple of posts about the idea of bearing one another’s burdens and casting one’s burdens onto Christ. I had more posts on my mind, but they never reached the stage of being written.

In the past couple months, that theme has been repeating itself in a couple different areas of my life….and so I may write some of those posts I was mulling on last year.

But first, I wanted to mention something else Uncle Jonnes talked about earlier this month after leading us on a journey to the cross, which I talked about in my previous post.

He used a term (Rutegga Mubegga) in his native language, which refers to someone who helps carry someone else’s burden. And he told a story of a man who used this term as a name for Jesus. When he faced troubles and challenges, he taught his daughter how to pray, bringing the burdens to Rutegga Mubegga.

After entrusting them to the shoulder of Jesus, this man was able to live out Christ’s grace and love because he was no longer carrying the weight of the injury done to him. He had entrusted it to the one who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23), and thus was able to serve as a channel of His love and grace.

I really appreciated that imagery, it struck a chord with me. And as I think about it again tonight, I’m reminded of what I wrote in one of my posts last year. We don’t carry our burdens to Christ so that we can have an easy life. No, we are called to surrender the burdens of our sin and our self-protection so that we can take up the burden of loving and caring for others.

Last year, I was going to write a whole post about the song “Let It Go” from Frozen. It resonated with me, because I identified with Elsa’s seeking to find safety by hiding her true self: “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.” But as I’ve thought about it more since then, I can see how misplaced her solution (running away to isolation in an ice castle) to that self-oppression was.

While that song is the one that went viral overnight, it’s not the high point of the movie. In fact, it’s closer to the low point. Elsa was indulging herself, not considering others and the effect her choices were having on them.

Her being bound by fear for all of those years, trying to control her powers herself had not worked, but neither did giving in and carrying out her whims with a wild abandon. It’s not a perfect analogy, but I see in the story a parallel to the Christian life. Isolation is never the answer. If you compare Elsa’s powers to humanity’s flesh, we can see the futility of both trying to stuff our desires and wantonly carrying them out.

Both lead to fear and bondage, not freedom.

So where is freedom found? The movie points in the right direction, but can’t give the full answer. Freedom is found in love – more specifically, the love of Christ. In Him removing our burdens as we choose to surrender to Him, by His grace and strength.

Once we have been transformed and released from fear by the self-sacrificial love of our Savior, then we can be truly free to use the gifts which He has given us: not for our selfish-gratification, but rather for the good of others.

Christ takes our burdens that we may be His servants in leading others to Him to have their burdens also lightened, and all for His glory. That is our mission in and through Him.

The Story of the Bracelets

This morning, shortly after getting up, I put my laundry in basins to soak for a while before washing it by hand. But before I did, I first removed the six handmade bracelets from my right wrist so I could wash them too. Usually, I wear them 24/7 which means I have a “watch tan” on both wrists!

I’ve been meaning to write the story of these bracelets for a while, and for some reason now seems the right time to do it. I tried to look back at old blog posts and see what I had mentioned about them before, but didn’t find much. Maybe it’s been on Facebook that I’ve mentioned a bit about them.

Anyway, here’s the story. I hope it encourages those who read it somehow.

It started almost two years ago in April of 2013.

No, actually it started before that: in September of 2011 (my junior year of college). We had a visiting chapel speaker who was talking about being a slave of Christ, and the Holy Spirit was really challenging me and convicting me through his sessions. That same month, someone was selling handmade beaded jewelry on campus to help raise money for people in Africa. I had bought a simple black and white choker necklace.

As I thought and prayed about what God was reminding me of through the chapel speaker, I wanted to wear some physical reminder of Christ’s call on my life. So I started wearing the necklace each day, and it helped keep the choice to live my life as Christ’s slave in the forefront of my mind. But within a couple months, I had lost the necklace. I would guess it slipped off as I was walking across campus. I was disappointed at the loss, but life went on.

God had been teaching me and reminding me of so many things in college, following the spiritual revival He worked in my life in my third semester. Ever since August of 2011, one of those lessons had been about His love—especially in light of 1 John 4. You can read more about it here.

Fast forward to April 2013, my last semester of college. One of our campus ministries hosted an even featuring ballet dancing and some testimonies to help raise awareness about sexual trafficking. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but it took me back to the lesson of love, and I felt God calling me to live my life post-graduation intentionally loving others. Again, there was jewelry for sale, and so I bought a woven bracelet with pink and yellow flowers on a blue background as a reminder. I prayed that I would be a vessel of God’s love to those around me.

Bracelet #1: LOVE, 1 John 4 (esp. vs. 18) & John 13:34-35 – April 2013

After graduation, I had a couple of weeks at home before heading back up to Arkansas to join a missions trip from JBU to Northern Ireland. While there, we partnered with the local Youth for Christ in a small town running a VBS for the kids and doing other kid-focused ministry. We had a great team, and I still look back on that month as a special time. God knit our hearts together and to the kids in a unique way, and it was a blessing to be a part of that. I could see the seed of love growing and bearing fruit—certainly not perfectly, but it was there.

During our time there, we gals on the team twice invited the girls from the area to come hang out with us. In our preparation ahead of time, we had decided to make friendship bracelets with the girls. Trying to get 10 girls simultaneously set up for that activity was rather trying for my personality, and I ended up allowing it to put me in a bad mood. Later that night as I sat outside praying through some things, God reminded me that the character trait we had been teaching at VBS that morning was humility. The evening had clearly shown me that I needed the Holy Spirit to work the things we were covering with the kids in my life as well.

Later, possibly all the way in September after my summer internship, I took some of the extra threads from one of the girls’ bracelet that I had saved and braided a new bracelet. {Just this year I had to replace it, because it was a small braid and it wore out. But the colors are the same :)}

Bracelet #2: HUMILITY, Philippians 2:3 – June/Sept 2013

Things didn’t go the way I had expected between June and September. The internship I had thought I would love proved a lot more challenging; the job offer I assumed I would want didn’t come through after all. So I found myself back home with no definite prospects….until a door opened to come to Uganda for a short-term opportunity that could turn into something more permanent.

I liked wearing my bracelets as reminders. It made me think of the altars that God instructed the Israelites to build so that they would remember God’s work in their lives. So even before departing, I looked forward to making another bracelet in Uganda.

Within a few weeks, I was at work on one – in the colors and pattern of the Ugandan flag. This time the lesson was service and sacrifice. It has not been an easy lesson at all. I say “has” because I am still learning it. It didn’t take me long to realize that I need these reminders precisely because the lessons keep coming back around in circles. I haven’t “completed” any one of these goals—but I trust God that He is continuing to work these in me.

Bracelet #3: SERVICE/SACRIFICE, John 12:24-26 – Jan/Feb 2014

My time in Uganda was hard in deeper ways that I had thought it would be. By the time my commitment ended in May, I was so ready to return home. But at the same time, I looked forward to the offered opportunity to come back in a different capacity. As I left, I sensed that my next bracelet altar would be joy, that God would give me opportunity to delight in Him.

I made the bracelet during the drive back from Colorado after my brother’s graduation, a pink and purple square knot pattern, with tan thread as the unseen center. I hadn’t planned that, but later on reflection I could see a correlation. Joy does not mean there are no disappointing/challenging/blah times (like the tan threads). But it does mean that we can choose to focus on the joy that we can have in Christ, even in the midst of the hard times.

Unfortunately, this lesson is not one I lived out well in the following months. I tried to stuff the hardships rather than dealing with them. And stuffing doesn’t bring true joy, it just delays the healing. This was a choice I made, to push God away and to try and find “joy” (the fake sort) in the gratification of my more fleshly desires. And it is something I have had to repent of these last couple months. But thanks be to God for His grace & faithfulness in spite of my weakness!

Bracelet #4: JOY, Nehemiah 8:10 and Psalm 51:12 – May/June 2014

A couple months later, as I started getting in gear to return to Uganda, I wrestled some with what I would be giving up in the process. My hungering desire for a “real job,” one in line with what I studied and one which actually provided an income, nearly stumbled me one weekend. But in the process I realized that I knew nothing of sacrifice.

It was also a renewed call to trust in God’s faithfulness. This was, like love, not something new. It has been a recurring theme for me ever since that same summer of 2011. A lot of my blog posts on here have dealt with it in one way or another. But I am learning that it is one thing to agree intellectually that God is faithful and that I can trust Him. It is another thing to live it out in the daily walk of life.

And so, I spent several hours knotting a more complicated bracelet – often praying as I did so. It features orange fish swimming in a river of various blues.

Bracelet #5: TRUST & FAITH, Psalm 73:28 – August 2014

Coming back to this beautiful country was exciting, especially getting to see again the friends I had made before! Of course, it also brought with it a fair share of challenges. The biggest one has been gaining a more God-centered perspective (in contrast to Me-centered) regarding some of the events of my life—especially because that has often meant needing to take responsibility for the me-centered choices I had made at the time.

In the process, it is easy for me to start berating myself mentally for my shortcomings and mistakes. To hold that guilt and failure over my own head. When I turn to Christ in repentance, I found myself met each time with His acceptance and love and grace. I am learning that for Him, the past is the past. He does not impute my iniquities against me (Romans 4:8).

And so, when I have placed my past sins under the blood of Christ, I am FREE from that guilt! Not always immediately freed from the results of them, but there is no condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). Because of this, I can have hope for the future rather than being bound by the past.

These things came together into my most recent bracelet, an orange zigzag surrounded by light shades of yellow and green. As I was making it on a car ride down to Kampala, my fellow travelers were discussing the difference between guilt and conviction. I couldn’t help but smile at God’s timing!

Bracelet #6: FREEDOM & HOPE, John 8:34-36 & Romans 5:5
 – Jan/Feb 2015

So that brings my bracelet story up to date! Looking back, I can see that for much of this time (especially June 2013-May 2014) I have been trying to fulfill these lessons in my own strength. Which is rather arrogant and honestly just silly! In the last couple months, God has been reminding me that I am called to be His disciple, and to serve for His glory and His kingdom—not my own. It has been a timely lesson, and I am so thankful to know that He will continue the good work of transformation which He has begun in my life!

And so the journey continues :)

When Life Changes in a Moment

Tuesday, January 25, 2011. It seemed like a perfectly normal day, but I will forever mark it as the day God revolutionized my life. I stood in chapel at my small, Christian college singing during the worship time. For some reason I sat further back than normal—nearly under the shelter of the upstairs balcony.

As I sang, surrounded by hundreds of my fellow students and yet feeling alone, my mind returned to the questions I had asked so often throughout high school and my first year and a half of college. “Why God? Why is it that I feel like I want a deeper relationship with You and yet nothing changes? Why do You seem so silent? I try so hard.”

There was no rending of the heavens, no vision of glorious majesty. But there was a simple Thought, sent—I believe—by the Holy Spirit at just the moment He had crafted in His infinite plan.

“What you do is not a question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift, based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no matter what.”

Hearing that truth and truly realizing what it meant in my life for the first time acted as a single beam of light into what had long been the dark room of my spiritual strivings. Looking back now, I can see that I have always tended toward attempting to earn assurance of others’ love and affection for me by working as a people pleaser. I naturally brought that same idea over to my relationship with God.

Yes, I knew intellectually that I could not earn my salvation. And yet as a Christian I had spent the previous years of my life trying to make myself worthy of God’s love and approval – lacking the faith that the Immanuel who came to save people from sin could truly accept me with all of my shortcomings and failings. In some ways it seems so simple and silly – it is in Scripture…I learned those verses and I should have known that receiving salvation did not suddenly mean that I must curry God’s favor (Gal. 3:1-3). Nevertheless that was how I thought, and it is still a trap I often find myself falling into.

I am still nowhere near the perfection I would love to achieve. But the embedding of that truth deep into my spiritual psyche started me on a journey of personal revival which God is still unfolding. The beauty of it all is that there was nothing special about that day – no reason from my end for the blessings I have since received. It is all Grace – God’s amazing Grace. And that’s the whole point. Yes, it is tempting to question why not sooner. But the answer goes right back to the lesson. God’s Grace is not bound by human understanding. No, I didn’t deserve what happened on January 25^th any more than I had any other day. But that is the beauty of Grace.

{This was originally posted in September of 2012 on Thrive80, a Moody blog that I wrote for occasionally. It was part of a series about "Inciting Incidents"--moments which shape one's life and story--to promote a new book for them, and so this is the moment I wrote about.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day this story is about, so I wanted to put a link on my Facebook page. But when I went back looking for this post, I discovered that the old blog, including my posts, is no longer online. So I re-post here what I wrote for them there, unedited.

Even four years after that day and almost two and a half years after writing this post, I am still learning Grace. And God has proved good and faithful and abundantly gracious during every step of that journey.}

The Journey to Trusting a Little More

{This is the backstory of the puzzle pieces God brought together this month and that I published a LONG blog post about the other day. Written at the end of March.}

It started a year ago. In the spring semester of 2013 (my last before graduation), the JBU campus experienced a tragedy which impacted most of our small community, at least to some extent. A little less than two weeks later, I experienced a personal tragedy. Nothing in comparison, but it impacted me. That same day, I had to turn in the application to intern with Samaritan’s Purse.

Needless to say—and for even more factors than listed above—it was an emotional semester. On March 3, with the above three happenings swirling in my head, I went on a labyrinth walk as part of a class I was taking. For a bit more about the class, see this post. That day in the labyrinth, seeking God’s peace and wisdom, He brought me to an important realization from Micah 6:8. To quote from the response paper I wrote for the class:

Thinking that I deserve to know why things happen the way they do—or wanting so badly to know what will happen ahead of time—is a sign of pride. God calls us to walk humbly before Him – that includes trusting Him and surrendering our “right” to know why and our ideal plans and dreams.

{You can read the rest of the response here on my other blog.}

There were still a lot of ups and downs in the two months leading to my college graduation…but I hope that truth stuck with me through at least a few of those days. May 4 came, closing out my time of being a student at JBU. At that point, I knew I would be going to N.Ireland with a JBU mission team for the month of June, then interning with SP {yep, they had accepted me!} for July and August. I kind of assumed that I would like SP and would want to get a job there, but I knew that was not for sure.

I also expected to cry at graduation, or at some point during the following week that I stayed in Siloam Springs, but no tears came even as I said goodbye to the place that had been home for four years and to some of my best friends…not knowing if/when I would see them again. The tears started instead on an observation platform in the beautiful N.Ireland (almost exactly nine months ago) as the truth came home that I wouldn’t be back with the team and the rest of my JBU friends in the fall.

And the tears continued raining down as the next two months turned out more confusing than I expected; as I still ended up applying for a job opening (that I had been basically filling) but then was not chosen; as I found myself back home with no easy “real” job leads; as I felt led to offer myself as a teacher (though without any traditional qualifications) to fill a need expressed by a new missionary family; as God provided abundantly and got me here three months later; as I have faced the daily challenges of living in the African bush (plus sickness/a couple injuries); and as I made mistakes and things here have not gone as well as I wish they had.

I feel sorry for my mom and my roommate here (and my pillow, haha), who have faced most of my crying episodes. {And I must not be looking to them (or any people) as my sole source of comfort and satisfaction!} But I am so thankful for the love and encouragement they have consistently provided, pointing me toward the Truth.

On the mountain where I lived in North Carolina during July and August, the question (“Do you trust Me?”) which had been a recurring theme became a command in my heart and mind. Going back and reading those two posts is so convicting, because it’s a lesson I still haven’t finished learning.

Which was a post in and of itself – about how I thought I’d reach a spiritual graduation of sorts concurrent with my college graduation. Even just now, reading the two-part post I wrote in September, it feels like I’m just going around and around, coming back to the same things over and over. But I hope and pray that each time the lesson goes a little deeper—peels back another onion-like layer of my selfishly-inclined heart.

Because even through these past nine months, full of frustration and emotion, God has proved Himself faithful. When I didn’t want to be “stuck” in Dallas without knowing what was coming next, He provided a part-time job and He used that time at home to continue bringing deeper healing to decade-old wounds. When He called me to come to Uganda – even when I was reluctant and distrustful – He poured out His blessings.

When I’ve been tempted to question His goodness, He has brought peace. When things have not gone my way, He has called me to surrender and trust. When I’ve been trying to do things in my own strength, He has convicted me of my natural patterns that are not fully in line with Truth and His best. Because He is a God full of grace and never-ending second chances….if my heart is seeking Him and crying out for His humility. And it’s all for the sake of His great name…so that we may know that He is God. For His glory alone.

The Trust Test

Since I know that God is good, will I be willing to trust Him to do what is best—first for His glory, but also for myself and each of His children?

That question has been developing in the background of my mind a LOT over the past year. And in the past nine months—full of ups and downs and unexpected turns—a lot of my times of tears and frustration (and there have been many….) have resulted from the answer to this very important question being “no” in my practical, daily life/thoughts/attitude.

If you want all the background and the long explanation that demonstrates my “context” strength,[1] I was halfway done writing it before I remembered that looking back and being stuck in the past can also be part of my problem. This blog started with Philippians 3….and part of that is “forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (vs. 13b-14). At the same time, God does tell His people over and over to “Remember” what He has done. I’m just not always good at maintaining a balance there.

Enough about me. In this case (or at least for this post), I’m going to work harder to error on the side of leaving the past behind and just talk about the Truth and the present. But mentions of the past will creep in, and I may post the “full” backstory another day.

A couple Saturdays ago, I was blessed with a beautiful time of meditating on God’s Word and fellowshipping with/worshipping Him. We needed to have a long talk, so I headed out to the Enterprise farm and stayed there for a couple hours. During that time, He brought together ideas from a year ago and ideas from the past couple months, and it’s like someone had fit a bunch of tiny puzzle pieces together and then zoomed out to show a more complete picture as a result. And today God brought me back to that picture again.

I struggle with demanding “why??” of God. Over the past year, He has been in the process of calling me out on that and instructing me to trust Him. And He has been bringing healing to some old, deep wounds that I had tried to stuff and ignore for a long, long time.

To quote from my journal entry that Saturday morning, even though mistakes and bad things will happen in life, “God will use and redeem all situations (past, present, and future) for the Ultimate Good: His Glory. We are called to walk in humility in light of that truth (Micah 6:8 and the labyrinth walk almost exactly a year ago), and we do NOT have the right to demand “WHY?” in a self-centered way.”

My mind flew to the verse about “does the clay have the right to ask of the potter, ‘why have you made me like this?’” That’s the Esther paraphrase, so it took a little searching to find it….but thankfully I did, in Romans 9:20-21:

“But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why have you made me like this?’ Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor?”

My journaling continued: “That’s the key. And suddenly so very many pieces from the past months and years fall into place. Yes, that truth is very Calvinistic. But it is true, and in the end it’s what brings peace to my stirred-up heart….And it is in the Ultimate Truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty that I can REJOICE,” referring to Philippians 4:4 which “just happened” to be printed on that page of my journal.

Yesterday morning before church I had already felt that like writing this post. And then in church, we sang this song that says, in part, “We love You Lord, we worship You / You are our God, You alone are good.” That brought together so perfectly my Enterprise farm time and my island reflections that I couldn’t not write about it.

Because it’s certainly not a mistake that those passages—“all things work together for good,” we are predestined to be “conformed to the image of His Son,” and “O man, who are you…?”—are in such close proximity (Romans 8:28-29, 9:20-21). Paul recognized that this was a hard thing! In fact, his topic in Romans 9 (Israel’s rejection of God) brought him “great sorrow and continual grief in [his] heart” (9:2). He was probably preaching to himself just as much as to his audience when he wrote about the potter having power over the clay.

He longed and yearned with all his being for his brethren and fellow countrymen to recognize the truth he wrote of in 8:37-39 – that nothing can separate us from the love of God. In 1 Corinthians 9:19-27, which was preached on yesterday, he talks about the lengths to which he was willing to go for just such a purpose. {I confess that my life is deeply lacking of a similar concern.}

So knowing the truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty does NOT mean that suddenly I am happy-go-lucky and without a care in the world. It also does NOT mean that my freewill decisions and actions are without effects/consequences. Another part of the song above references this too:

You asked Your Son to carry this,
The heavy cross, our weight of sin.
I love You Lord, I worship You;
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.
I give my life to honor this:
The love of Christ, the Savior King.

My brain is kind of going in circles (that’s what happens when I don’t plan these out before writing)…because that takes us right back to Romans 8:37-39, which is why we can claim to be “more than conquerors through Him who loved us,” not through our own striving, effort, or strength.

The past couple weeks, as it has felt like I have made a huge mess of things, this is the only thing I know I can hold onto—that even when I have acted in my own self-interest….or that even when trying my hardest to do what is right and best has seemed to back fire instead—that even there in the midst of my mess Christ is standing before God, who still sits on the throne. And God sees in me Christ’s righteousness. And it is all undeserved grace and forgiveness. And it is beautiful.

Do I wish I had made different decisions so that there would be different results now? For sure. If I could rewind the clock and redo things, I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t. What I am given charge of is the present, going forward from this moment. And in so many ways it’s depressing to know that tomorrow or the next day….or even right now or later tonight….I will make mistakes again.

And I definitely do not want to be flippant and say “Who cares if we sin! There’s grace!” (Romans 6:1, Esther paraphrase). But I do tend to “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” and get stuck in guilt. Some second cousins of mine taught me a great old-style song that combats the former so well. Give it a listen here!

At the same time, I do need to be careful in what I say and do, and I must rely on the Holy Spirit’s strength and wisdom and not my own…. So much harder to do in the moment than it is to say and know and believe. But, by the grace of God, we “press on,” trusting the One who began the good work and promises to complete it (Philippians 3:12, 1:6). And amazingly, He promises to use all things for His glory and the good of each of His children—in His eternal economy.

That is where my faith and confidence and trust are to rest, even if (when) the results do not look like I wish they did in this life. No matter what, God is good all the time.

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[1] According to my results this summer from the Gallup “StrengthsQuest” inventory, this is my #1 strength. The poll’s “Quick Reference Card” describes it as follows: “People especially talented in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.”

The Omni-God

God is good. I am so very grateful that such a simple and yet also profound statement is true, and that it never changes. In the past year or so, there have been many times things haven’t gone as I would like them to. I must admit, I often tend to complain in those times. But God has been ever so consistently (and patiently) pointing me back to the fact that He is good, no matter what.

God is also the same, wherever I am and whatever I am doing. Because He is so much BIGGER than anything in my microscopic blip of a life on the radar of eternity. And yet, at the same time, He cares. He sees our hearts, and He feels our times of joy and our times of pain. Wonder of wonders, He offers us a relationship with Him, and makes His power available to us. We can worship Him in every choice and action, anywhere in the world.

I thought about that last bit this past weekend. The Institute here in Uganda had the 14th and 17th off classes, so several people went on mini vacations for the four-day break. I joined a young couple in traveling to an island out in Lake Victoria, which was a huge blessing! As I sat on the shore of the lake or under a tree higher up on the island, I was able to once again come back to “base camp,” so to speak – to reorient myself again to what matters most.

God blessed me with a beautiful time of meditating on His Word and being able to worship Him, away from some of the routine of daily life that can so often distract me from focusing as fully on Him. And as I did, I was reminded of similar blessed times in Arkansas, N. Ireland, North Carolina, and even Dallas (it’s harder in the big city though…). It struck me more fully that no matter where I am, God is the same and He is just as present with and in me. That is simply amazing for my human mind to comprehend!

Because God is a good God, He is committed to bringing glory to Himself. In the past weeks, I have been reminded that one way He does this is by working in the lives of His children to conform them to His image (Romans 8:29). Because He is all-powerful, He can do just that. What’s more, He works in every situation so that—on an eternal scale—all things work together for the good of each one who loves God (Romans 8:28). Even in situations which do not seem ideal, He brings redemption and benefit.

I am so thankful for these truths, even though I so often lose focus and need to be reminded of them once again. God continues to point me back to Himself; and even if that is the only thing which I gain from what I am experiencing, it is worth it because He receives the glory and praise He deserves.

True Success

{This is a follow up to what I posted yesterday}

So what does true success look like? As a Christian, what is the goal at which I should be aiming? Most importantly, how does GOD define success?

The past two weeks, the teaching elder at my church has been especially “meddlesome” with his sermons. In a really really good way—it’s just convicting rather than comfortable! (As it should be J) He is doing a topical series in Proverbs, and the past two weeks have been about humility. Last week he looked at how God defines pride and humility, while this week focused on the application of humility in the Christian’s life—both towards God and towards our fellow men. Good, but hard, stuff!

One of the things he emphasized this Sunday was that Christ’s humility is to be our model—that is what God calls us to (see Philippians 2 if you need a refresher on what that looks like). To paraphrase a small section of his straight shooting sermon: The path Jesus paved for us means that the cross comes before the crown. In our culture, people are always racing to the top—trying to control things in their lives and trying to avoid pain. In Christianity, it should be a race to the bottom. God leaves us on earth, after He saves us, to suffer for the sake of Christ. He was despised by men and suffered grievous injustice – it is only sinful pride which makes us think we deserve better than that. We are called to have an audience of ONE – protecting my own reputation is not to be my goal or concern.

His last sentence there ties into something I had already been thinking about in the past week or two. As this topic of success—in culture’s eyes vs. what God calls us to—had been ruminating in my brain, I couldn’t help but think of Os Guinness’ book “Rising to the Call.” I first read it four years ago in Honors Orientation, one of my favorite college classes, and reviewed it twice more mentoring for the class. Having an audience of One (God) is one of the things which Guinness discusses.

Another of his points which is especially relevant in this discussion comes when he makes a distinction between the primary and secondary calling of a Christian. “Our primary calling as followers of Christ is by Him, to Him, and for Him,” Guinness said (pg. 24). In other words, calling becomes a question of WHO I am called TO, not WHAT I am called to DO.

Even Guinness’ description of secondary calling does not exactly paint a picture of success which lines up with what I talked about in my previous post. Instead, Guinness wrote that “Our secondary calling, considering who God is as sovereign, is that everyone, everywhere, and in everything should think, speak, live, and act entirely for Him” (pg. 25). Guinness’ definition of calling, and thus of what to aim for in our quest for success, is entirely God-centered rather than self-focused.

Guinness ends his book with this quote from his last paragraph: “Answering the call of Jesus is the greatest adventure, the deepest romance, and the most fascinating journey of our lives….In giving up everything for this one way, you will find yourself fulfilled in every way—until one day when the ‘last call’ will sound and you will see the Caller face to face…” (pg. 99).

But stepping out on that journey feels a whole lot scarier than the “safety” of pursuing a more typical American dream. Because it requires sacrificing a lot more that I would so much rather cling to. I should include the fact that Guinness is quick to point out this does not close off any field of work. It does not mean that every Christian must drop what they are doing and go translate the Bible. That is not what Guinness is saying at all.

If God’s calling leads me to a job where I am writing, I am to write in such a way that will bring glory to God rather than glorifying self. Over the past several weeks, though, I have been sensing His leading in a completely different direction. A direction asking me to lay down more of my wants and myself—a direction requiring absolute faith in God to continue guiding and providing. I don’t know yet exactly what that looks like. It remains to be seen how God will work. And in some ways, that is scary to me.

I’m not in control. I don’t know what my life will look like from one year to the next. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing (although I must confess that my flesh certainly wishes it were otherwise) because lacking that certainty forces me to be more in tune with God’s calling in my life.

Success is not really about what I do in an earthly sense. Success is knowing God (John 17:3). Success is being conformed to the image of His Son (Rom. 8:29). Success is pressing on toward the upward call of Christ Jesus my Lord (Phil. 3:12-14). Success is being available for His service (Is. 6:8, Luke 1:38). Success is joining the long line of His humble servants (Luke 17:10) who serve for His glory and not their own.

Beyond This Moment

Tonight, going through some old files, I came across one of my Word document rambles, written on March 3, 2012. I had never posted it, for some reason, though it had run in the campus newspaper as a column. Reading it, it was as though the Esther from 18 months ago--how much farther back that seems--was preaching to the Esther in the present. And it was a message I needed to hear.

For a bit of context, this older post came just a couple weeks before. Some things don't really change.... {sigh}

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I’m glad our college campus is located near a graveyard.  I don’t typically think about that fact, but this morning (March 2) I wanted to get out for a walk…a desire which ended up with me wandering through the cemetery on the roads.  It got me thinking (which really is a dangerous thing).

God has been working in my life a lot over the past 12-14 months – teaching/reminding me of many things about Him and about myself.  As I was meandering through the headstones spotted throughout the plot of land to our south, I couldn’t help but consider the question “What does my life really count for?”

Surrounded by stone monuments bearing the names of people who have lived and died—some more than a hundred years ago—it’s a relevant question.  There are probably few people who could tell you anything about some of the folks the older markers commemorate.  But they, like me, had hopes, plans, ambitions.  They, like me, probably had lives which they hoped to use to benefit the world somehow.

But for many of them, their only memorial is a slab of rock with some words chiseled into it.  So many people – so many stories – where does mine fit in the grand scheme of things?  My head knows the answer easily, and my heart echoes it with conviction: my life, as with each person’s, has some role to play in God’s grand plan.

I may not see it right now.  I may never understand it fully here on earth.  I will most likely end up someday like one of the people buried down the street – an unremembered name carved into stone which cannot even endure 200 years of weathering.  Nevertheless, my life does have a purpose.

But what is that purpose, I wondered as I walked, the cold wind blowing my face.  Life can seem so fleeting.  It comes and goes so fast – what am I doing that matters?  Throughout my walk, I noticed patches of small wildflowers which have sprung up with the wondrous coming of spring.  They too made me consider my life.

Those little flowers spend their whole existence trying to poke through the dead grass, searching for some sunlight.  Or they slowly develop from budded branches of trees.  They open up their small flower faces, for what purpose?  They may fall off of the tree and land on the ground, as the flowers I wore in my ponytail did.  Often, they get stepped on and trampled by beings much larger than themselves.  They may be eaten or simply shrivel up and die when their time is done.

And yet they bloom.  Their beauty is on display for those who take the time to see it.  And even if no person ever recognizes it, these small treasures serve a purpose: they carry on a gift to the next generation.  The Bible compares our lives to the lifecycle of flowers.  Isaiah 40:6-8 contrasts the transient nature of the plants with the everlasting Word of God.  In 1 Peter 1:22-25, Peter references the Isaiah passage and urges his readers to be incorruptible.

How?  What is it that I am called to do that will last beyond the short days of my life?

The answer is love.  And, surprisingly, this can be expressed using the lyrics of two pop songs, one old and one new.  Frequently when I listen to secular music, I find myself discovering a potential deeper, spiritual meaning.  Such is the case with these two.  Both were written to refer to sexual love (I would assume), but today they offered a broader lesson.

The first was “Who Wants to Live Forever?”, a 1986 song by the rock band Queen.  The lyrics remind the listener that people don’t live forever.  “Who dares to live forever?” the song asks, as it informs that “love must die.”  In the writer’s world view, that may be true.  But I believe that there is more to my existence than this brief life.  The love I have been given, I am to share with all people I come in contact with.  It then becomes like the little flowers – a gift that keeps on giving even when my short spring is over.

The second song that came to mind as I walked back to my last class of the week was Justin Bieber’s “I Just Need Somebody to Love.”  And there is some extent to which that is true.  I have been entrusted with a treasure, a gift.  To keep it to myself would be selfish and wasteful.  A self-preserving life is the epitome of a useless life.  I am called to follow in my Savior’s footsteps – to share the love which I have been given.

I don’t have to go out and change the world to make my life have meaning.  I do need simply to show individuals their importance and worth.  I am called to share God’s gift with others.  The rest is up to Him.