Boasting in My Weakness

I’ve got to say, it’s not easy for me to think about writing this post. Even simply typing the title made me pause.

I’m the kind of person who likes to be right—who needs to be right (or at least I think I do). I want to be the one who’s dependable and got it all together.

But, truth is, I’m not – and I don’t.

God is at work in my heart and life. Often I wish He would hurry up and finish so that I would just be good to go. But then I wouldn’t need Him as desperately, would I?

In the past weeks and months, I’ve been wrestling with apathy. Well, actually, a more accurate description would be that I’ve been giving in to apathy without putting up a lot of fight.

I’ve been battling discouragement, hypocrisy, etc. You name one of those inner struggles that’s so easy to put a mask over, I’ve probably been dealing with it to some extent.

But God – He sees right through my masks. Jesus Christ sees my heart with His eyes of blazing fire that our teacher talked about this morning in church (from Revelations 2:18). And yet this same God doesn’t only see in me what I so often focus on, the sin & failures, the guilt. God the Father sees in me the righteousness of His Son, our Savior.

That’s what He reminded me of this afternoon as I knelt on my bed, crying for shame & guilt of my shortcomings. And to my heart, three simple words, yet so profound that it will take eternity to understand: He loves me.

Yes, in myself I am weak – so very prone to give into the temptation of the easy, selfish path. But in my weakness is the opportunity for His strength to be displayed, for His glory.

Because if living the Christian life—a life that pleases God—is something that I could work up to do in my own strength, there would have been no need for Christ to come.

I need Him, He who has fought the war and won the victory; He who has defeated the enemies of sin and Satan and death. The balance is there: The war has been won, and yet I am called to fight the daily battles by the power of the Victor flowing in and through me.

Yesterday as I worked on laundry, some of these same thoughts which have been common these past weeks were already circling in my mind. I shut off the podcast I was listening to, and prayed seeking to listen to my God instead. And in that, I was reminded of the need to put to death my old man, my fleshly desires, each day. But I can’t even crucify my own flesh – that can only be done through the Spirit who brings life in the place of death (Romans 8:13).

Thanks be to God, it is not that I must struggle against my flesh in order to win God’s acceptance and approval. On the contrary, He has adopted me as His daughter through Christ’s death – thereby giving the only reason I have hope of choosing life over the sin and death which form our natural, fallen state (Romans 8:12-17).

And yesterday, as He called me to the beginning of this memory, my mind flew back to a little something I had started in March and finished in June:

I say I started it in March. That’s not strictly true. March is when I pulled some images of crosses from the Internet and selected a font, all of which I began to combine and trace to make this image. But the story of this picture started almost four years ago, on my 21^st birthday at JBU’s Sunday night chapel service. It was there that the words “I am Thine” (referring to myself in relationship to my heavenly Lord, obviously) became emblazoned on my mind. They’ve been there ever since, and often my heart has repeated that cry.

The cross was added to the mental image later, in Northern Ireland. That’s a story of its own, perhaps for another day. But over these past two years since that trip, I’ve been wanting to draw this. Last month, the image was finally completed. And yesterday, it suddenly took on even deeper significance. Not only is the cross the symbol of Christ’s redemption of our souls, it is also the symbol of what we are called to: To take up our cross each day – not to earn our salvation, but because we have it (Luke 9:23-25, Philippians 3:7-11).

These words, this symbol – they are far beyond anything I can accomplish in and of myself. It is all Christ. Therefore, I will gladly boast in my weakness, that through me the strength of His grace may be seen (2 Corinthians 12:9). For His glory alone.

The Story of the Bracelets

This morning, shortly after getting up, I put my laundry in basins to soak for a while before washing it by hand. But before I did, I first removed the six handmade bracelets from my right wrist so I could wash them too. Usually, I wear them 24/7 which means I have a “watch tan” on both wrists!

I’ve been meaning to write the story of these bracelets for a while, and for some reason now seems the right time to do it. I tried to look back at old blog posts and see what I had mentioned about them before, but didn’t find much. Maybe it’s been on Facebook that I’ve mentioned a bit about them.

Anyway, here’s the story. I hope it encourages those who read it somehow.

It started almost two years ago in April of 2013.

No, actually it started before that: in September of 2011 (my junior year of college). We had a visiting chapel speaker who was talking about being a slave of Christ, and the Holy Spirit was really challenging me and convicting me through his sessions. That same month, someone was selling handmade beaded jewelry on campus to help raise money for people in Africa. I had bought a simple black and white choker necklace.

As I thought and prayed about what God was reminding me of through the chapel speaker, I wanted to wear some physical reminder of Christ’s call on my life. So I started wearing the necklace each day, and it helped keep the choice to live my life as Christ’s slave in the forefront of my mind. But within a couple months, I had lost the necklace. I would guess it slipped off as I was walking across campus. I was disappointed at the loss, but life went on.

God had been teaching me and reminding me of so many things in college, following the spiritual revival He worked in my life in my third semester. Ever since August of 2011, one of those lessons had been about His love—especially in light of 1 John 4. You can read more about it here.

Fast forward to April 2013, my last semester of college. One of our campus ministries hosted an even featuring ballet dancing and some testimonies to help raise awareness about sexual trafficking. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but it took me back to the lesson of love, and I felt God calling me to live my life post-graduation intentionally loving others. Again, there was jewelry for sale, and so I bought a woven bracelet with pink and yellow flowers on a blue background as a reminder. I prayed that I would be a vessel of God’s love to those around me.

Bracelet #1: LOVE, 1 John 4 (esp. vs. 18) & John 13:34-35 – April 2013

After graduation, I had a couple of weeks at home before heading back up to Arkansas to join a missions trip from JBU to Northern Ireland. While there, we partnered with the local Youth for Christ in a small town running a VBS for the kids and doing other kid-focused ministry. We had a great team, and I still look back on that month as a special time. God knit our hearts together and to the kids in a unique way, and it was a blessing to be a part of that. I could see the seed of love growing and bearing fruit—certainly not perfectly, but it was there.

During our time there, we gals on the team twice invited the girls from the area to come hang out with us. In our preparation ahead of time, we had decided to make friendship bracelets with the girls. Trying to get 10 girls simultaneously set up for that activity was rather trying for my personality, and I ended up allowing it to put me in a bad mood. Later that night as I sat outside praying through some things, God reminded me that the character trait we had been teaching at VBS that morning was humility. The evening had clearly shown me that I needed the Holy Spirit to work the things we were covering with the kids in my life as well.

Later, possibly all the way in September after my summer internship, I took some of the extra threads from one of the girls’ bracelet that I had saved and braided a new bracelet. {Just this year I had to replace it, because it was a small braid and it wore out. But the colors are the same :)}

Bracelet #2: HUMILITY, Philippians 2:3 – June/Sept 2013

Things didn’t go the way I had expected between June and September. The internship I had thought I would love proved a lot more challenging; the job offer I assumed I would want didn’t come through after all. So I found myself back home with no definite prospects….until a door opened to come to Uganda for a short-term opportunity that could turn into something more permanent.

I liked wearing my bracelets as reminders. It made me think of the altars that God instructed the Israelites to build so that they would remember God’s work in their lives. So even before departing, I looked forward to making another bracelet in Uganda.

Within a few weeks, I was at work on one – in the colors and pattern of the Ugandan flag. This time the lesson was service and sacrifice. It has not been an easy lesson at all. I say “has” because I am still learning it. It didn’t take me long to realize that I need these reminders precisely because the lessons keep coming back around in circles. I haven’t “completed” any one of these goals—but I trust God that He is continuing to work these in me.

Bracelet #3: SERVICE/SACRIFICE, John 12:24-26 – Jan/Feb 2014

My time in Uganda was hard in deeper ways that I had thought it would be. By the time my commitment ended in May, I was so ready to return home. But at the same time, I looked forward to the offered opportunity to come back in a different capacity. As I left, I sensed that my next bracelet altar would be joy, that God would give me opportunity to delight in Him.

I made the bracelet during the drive back from Colorado after my brother’s graduation, a pink and purple square knot pattern, with tan thread as the unseen center. I hadn’t planned that, but later on reflection I could see a correlation. Joy does not mean there are no disappointing/challenging/blah times (like the tan threads). But it does mean that we can choose to focus on the joy that we can have in Christ, even in the midst of the hard times.

Unfortunately, this lesson is not one I lived out well in the following months. I tried to stuff the hardships rather than dealing with them. And stuffing doesn’t bring true joy, it just delays the healing. This was a choice I made, to push God away and to try and find “joy” (the fake sort) in the gratification of my more fleshly desires. And it is something I have had to repent of these last couple months. But thanks be to God for His grace & faithfulness in spite of my weakness!

Bracelet #4: JOY, Nehemiah 8:10 and Psalm 51:12 – May/June 2014

A couple months later, as I started getting in gear to return to Uganda, I wrestled some with what I would be giving up in the process. My hungering desire for a “real job,” one in line with what I studied and one which actually provided an income, nearly stumbled me one weekend. But in the process I realized that I knew nothing of sacrifice.

It was also a renewed call to trust in God’s faithfulness. This was, like love, not something new. It has been a recurring theme for me ever since that same summer of 2011. A lot of my blog posts on here have dealt with it in one way or another. But I am learning that it is one thing to agree intellectually that God is faithful and that I can trust Him. It is another thing to live it out in the daily walk of life.

And so, I spent several hours knotting a more complicated bracelet – often praying as I did so. It features orange fish swimming in a river of various blues.

Bracelet #5: TRUST & FAITH, Psalm 73:28 – August 2014

Coming back to this beautiful country was exciting, especially getting to see again the friends I had made before! Of course, it also brought with it a fair share of challenges. The biggest one has been gaining a more God-centered perspective (in contrast to Me-centered) regarding some of the events of my life—especially because that has often meant needing to take responsibility for the me-centered choices I had made at the time.

In the process, it is easy for me to start berating myself mentally for my shortcomings and mistakes. To hold that guilt and failure over my own head. When I turn to Christ in repentance, I found myself met each time with His acceptance and love and grace. I am learning that for Him, the past is the past. He does not impute my iniquities against me (Romans 4:8).

And so, when I have placed my past sins under the blood of Christ, I am FREE from that guilt! Not always immediately freed from the results of them, but there is no condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). Because of this, I can have hope for the future rather than being bound by the past.

These things came together into my most recent bracelet, an orange zigzag surrounded by light shades of yellow and green. As I was making it on a car ride down to Kampala, my fellow travelers were discussing the difference between guilt and conviction. I couldn’t help but smile at God’s timing!

Bracelet #6: FREEDOM & HOPE, John 8:34-36 & Romans 5:5
 – Jan/Feb 2015

So that brings my bracelet story up to date! Looking back, I can see that for much of this time (especially June 2013-May 2014) I have been trying to fulfill these lessons in my own strength. Which is rather arrogant and honestly just silly! In the last couple months, God has been reminding me that I am called to be His disciple, and to serve for His glory and His kingdom—not my own. It has been a timely lesson, and I am so thankful to know that He will continue the good work of transformation which He has begun in my life!

And so the journey continues :)

When Life Changes in a Moment

Tuesday, January 25, 2011. It seemed like a perfectly normal day, but I will forever mark it as the day God revolutionized my life. I stood in chapel at my small, Christian college singing during the worship time. For some reason I sat further back than normal—nearly under the shelter of the upstairs balcony.

As I sang, surrounded by hundreds of my fellow students and yet feeling alone, my mind returned to the questions I had asked so often throughout high school and my first year and a half of college. “Why God? Why is it that I feel like I want a deeper relationship with You and yet nothing changes? Why do You seem so silent? I try so hard.”

There was no rending of the heavens, no vision of glorious majesty. But there was a simple Thought, sent—I believe—by the Holy Spirit at just the moment He had crafted in His infinite plan.

“What you do is not a question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift, based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no matter what.”

Hearing that truth and truly realizing what it meant in my life for the first time acted as a single beam of light into what had long been the dark room of my spiritual strivings. Looking back now, I can see that I have always tended toward attempting to earn assurance of others’ love and affection for me by working as a people pleaser. I naturally brought that same idea over to my relationship with God.

Yes, I knew intellectually that I could not earn my salvation. And yet as a Christian I had spent the previous years of my life trying to make myself worthy of God’s love and approval – lacking the faith that the Immanuel who came to save people from sin could truly accept me with all of my shortcomings and failings. In some ways it seems so simple and silly – it is in Scripture…I learned those verses and I should have known that receiving salvation did not suddenly mean that I must curry God’s favor (Gal. 3:1-3). Nevertheless that was how I thought, and it is still a trap I often find myself falling into.

I am still nowhere near the perfection I would love to achieve. But the embedding of that truth deep into my spiritual psyche started me on a journey of personal revival which God is still unfolding. The beauty of it all is that there was nothing special about that day – no reason from my end for the blessings I have since received. It is all Grace – God’s amazing Grace. And that’s the whole point. Yes, it is tempting to question why not sooner. But the answer goes right back to the lesson. God’s Grace is not bound by human understanding. No, I didn’t deserve what happened on January 25^th any more than I had any other day. But that is the beauty of Grace.

{This was originally posted in September of 2012 on Thrive80, a Moody blog that I wrote for occasionally. It was part of a series about "Inciting Incidents"--moments which shape one's life and story--to promote a new book for them, and so this is the moment I wrote about.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day this story is about, so I wanted to put a link on my Facebook page. But when I went back looking for this post, I discovered that the old blog, including my posts, is no longer online. So I re-post here what I wrote for them there, unedited.

Even four years after that day and almost two and a half years after writing this post, I am still learning Grace. And God has proved good and faithful and abundantly gracious during every step of that journey.}

The Best of All Possible Worlds

A card from one of my special ladies back home that "just happened" to arrive yesterday, and that I opened this morning after writing this post :)

I actually woke up ahead of my alarm today. These cool, foggy mornings we have been having here in Uganda recently always make me think of Arkansas and miss my “family” there.

On Monday, I was thinking of other things from back in my college days….and yesterday the thoughts kept tumbling around in my brain….so this morning I am sitting down to put “pen to paper” and break my blogging silence.

In the past 11 months that I have been affiliated with New Hope Uganda, the organization has gone through a lot. In my most recent newsletter, I wrote asking people for prayers as we here seem to be in the midst of spiritual warfare. Thank you to each one who responded back with words of encouragement! I really appreciated those.

Yesterday, we saw off one of our staff members. This year she has been battling cancer, and last month (two days after we lost a son to kidney failure) she was declared cancer free! But then other health concerns arose, and more tests revealed tumors….inoperable tumors, which are seriously affecting her quality of life. Yesterday she returned to Nairobi (Kenya), where she had previously received radiation, for further tests and care.

In my personal life, the past 18 months since graduation have rarely gone as I expected them to. Every season seems to bring another bend in the road, sometimes sending me on a trajectory I never expected. While I am so blessed and grateful to have the opportunity to minister here in this community, it was honestly never in my plans to move to Africa for most of 2014.

During these past months, there have been a myriad of frustrations and discouragements. While none of them come close to the struggles of so many of my brothers and sisters, it has still been often challenging to maintain a proper perspective—eyes fixed on Christ—in these times. Over and over, I have felt His call to trust Him and surrender my life to His plan….and maybe, just maybe I am “slowly by slowly” learning that lesson.

On Monday, it was one of my personal minor letdowns which got me to thinking. I was tempted to be in a complaining mood because of something which was not going as I had hoped/wished it might. And I just felt Paraclete speaking to my heart: “Esther, you need to trust God in this. To trust that what is happening is the best plan for all involved.”

It took me back to something a staff member had forwarded the Wednesday before. A week after my supervisor had fallen and broken her arm so seriously that she returned to her home in England for surgery, it was a day when I felt totally overwhelmed. I read this devotional and saw the truth in it, but I still allowed my human circumstances to dictate my feelings.

The devotional concluded:

Remember this: If any other condition had been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you could choose your lot, you would soon cry, "Lord, choose my heritage for me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows." Be content with the things you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your shoulder and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word and work to the glory of God. Busy self and proud impatience must be put down; it is not for them to choose, but for the Lord of Love!1

This idea of trusting the God who works ALL THINGS for His glory and our sanctification, our good has been a theme in my life for quite a while. But as I sat thinking and praying through it again on Monday, another comparison came to mind.

Twice in college I read Candide, a satirical tale written by Voltaire, an Enlightenment thinker of the 1700s. In it, Voltaire criticizes a view from that period that this is the “best of all possible worlds” by taking his characters through a ridiculous amount of challenges and suffering. The teacher in the group reiterates over and over that even in the face of everything, this still must be the best of all possible worlds. Even though Candide is a comedy because of the absurdity of what the characters go through, it felt so much more like a depressing tragedy to me, because on every page there are tales of woe.

But on Monday as I thought of trusting God in my petty little problems—and in the bigger, serious concerns facing others I know—that is the line that came back to me. That this is the “best of all possible worlds.” Certainly NOT because everything that happens is perfect! Far from it…there is much hurt and tragedy and brokenness in this world.

This is the best of all possible worlds, however, because of the HOPE that I and my fellow believers have! We serve a God who is an incarnational Redeemer—through Christ, He came down to us in our mess, and He won the victory!!!!!!!!!  And because He rose from the dead, defeating Satan, death, and sin, we can KNOW that He is able to work everything for good. Even the worst situation I can imagine He can take that and turn it for His glory.

Of course, this doesn’t make life easy. Yesterday, as we saw our sister off to Kenya there were tears in many hearts. We prayed and are praying for a miracle. Last month, as we laid our son to rest, there were sobs from his family and those close to him. We continue praying for his widowed mother and his young siblings, who have lost one who could have helped provide for them if he were still here. But through it all, we can choose to stake our confidence in our Redeeming, Victorious Father. And we can thank Him for everything that comes to pass in this, the best of all possible worlds.

---

1 Taken from Morning and Evening by C.H. Spurgeon, revised and updated by Alistair Begg.

True Success

{This is a follow up to what I posted yesterday}

So what does true success look like? As a Christian, what is the goal at which I should be aiming? Most importantly, how does GOD define success?

The past two weeks, the teaching elder at my church has been especially “meddlesome” with his sermons. In a really really good way—it’s just convicting rather than comfortable! (As it should be J) He is doing a topical series in Proverbs, and the past two weeks have been about humility. Last week he looked at how God defines pride and humility, while this week focused on the application of humility in the Christian’s life—both towards God and towards our fellow men. Good, but hard, stuff!

One of the things he emphasized this Sunday was that Christ’s humility is to be our model—that is what God calls us to (see Philippians 2 if you need a refresher on what that looks like). To paraphrase a small section of his straight shooting sermon: The path Jesus paved for us means that the cross comes before the crown. In our culture, people are always racing to the top—trying to control things in their lives and trying to avoid pain. In Christianity, it should be a race to the bottom. God leaves us on earth, after He saves us, to suffer for the sake of Christ. He was despised by men and suffered grievous injustice – it is only sinful pride which makes us think we deserve better than that. We are called to have an audience of ONE – protecting my own reputation is not to be my goal or concern.

His last sentence there ties into something I had already been thinking about in the past week or two. As this topic of success—in culture’s eyes vs. what God calls us to—had been ruminating in my brain, I couldn’t help but think of Os Guinness’ book “Rising to the Call.” I first read it four years ago in Honors Orientation, one of my favorite college classes, and reviewed it twice more mentoring for the class. Having an audience of One (God) is one of the things which Guinness discusses.

Another of his points which is especially relevant in this discussion comes when he makes a distinction between the primary and secondary calling of a Christian. “Our primary calling as followers of Christ is by Him, to Him, and for Him,” Guinness said (pg. 24). In other words, calling becomes a question of WHO I am called TO, not WHAT I am called to DO.

Even Guinness’ description of secondary calling does not exactly paint a picture of success which lines up with what I talked about in my previous post. Instead, Guinness wrote that “Our secondary calling, considering who God is as sovereign, is that everyone, everywhere, and in everything should think, speak, live, and act entirely for Him” (pg. 25). Guinness’ definition of calling, and thus of what to aim for in our quest for success, is entirely God-centered rather than self-focused.

Guinness ends his book with this quote from his last paragraph: “Answering the call of Jesus is the greatest adventure, the deepest romance, and the most fascinating journey of our lives….In giving up everything for this one way, you will find yourself fulfilled in every way—until one day when the ‘last call’ will sound and you will see the Caller face to face…” (pg. 99).

But stepping out on that journey feels a whole lot scarier than the “safety” of pursuing a more typical American dream. Because it requires sacrificing a lot more that I would so much rather cling to. I should include the fact that Guinness is quick to point out this does not close off any field of work. It does not mean that every Christian must drop what they are doing and go translate the Bible. That is not what Guinness is saying at all.

If God’s calling leads me to a job where I am writing, I am to write in such a way that will bring glory to God rather than glorifying self. Over the past several weeks, though, I have been sensing His leading in a completely different direction. A direction asking me to lay down more of my wants and myself—a direction requiring absolute faith in God to continue guiding and providing. I don’t know yet exactly what that looks like. It remains to be seen how God will work. And in some ways, that is scary to me.

I’m not in control. I don’t know what my life will look like from one year to the next. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing (although I must confess that my flesh certainly wishes it were otherwise) because lacking that certainty forces me to be more in tune with God’s calling in my life.

Success is not really about what I do in an earthly sense. Success is knowing God (John 17:3). Success is being conformed to the image of His Son (Rom. 8:29). Success is pressing on toward the upward call of Christ Jesus my Lord (Phil. 3:12-14). Success is being available for His service (Is. 6:8, Luke 1:38). Success is joining the long line of His humble servants (Luke 17:10) who serve for His glory and not their own.

Beyond This Moment

Tonight, going through some old files, I came across one of my Word document rambles, written on March 3, 2012. I had never posted it, for some reason, though it had run in the campus newspaper as a column. Reading it, it was as though the Esther from 18 months ago--how much farther back that seems--was preaching to the Esther in the present. And it was a message I needed to hear.

For a bit of context, this older post came just a couple weeks before. Some things don't really change.... {sigh}

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I’m glad our college campus is located near a graveyard.  I don’t typically think about that fact, but this morning (March 2) I wanted to get out for a walk…a desire which ended up with me wandering through the cemetery on the roads.  It got me thinking (which really is a dangerous thing).

God has been working in my life a lot over the past 12-14 months – teaching/reminding me of many things about Him and about myself.  As I was meandering through the headstones spotted throughout the plot of land to our south, I couldn’t help but consider the question “What does my life really count for?”

Surrounded by stone monuments bearing the names of people who have lived and died—some more than a hundred years ago—it’s a relevant question.  There are probably few people who could tell you anything about some of the folks the older markers commemorate.  But they, like me, had hopes, plans, ambitions.  They, like me, probably had lives which they hoped to use to benefit the world somehow.

But for many of them, their only memorial is a slab of rock with some words chiseled into it.  So many people – so many stories – where does mine fit in the grand scheme of things?  My head knows the answer easily, and my heart echoes it with conviction: my life, as with each person’s, has some role to play in God’s grand plan.

I may not see it right now.  I may never understand it fully here on earth.  I will most likely end up someday like one of the people buried down the street – an unremembered name carved into stone which cannot even endure 200 years of weathering.  Nevertheless, my life does have a purpose.

But what is that purpose, I wondered as I walked, the cold wind blowing my face.  Life can seem so fleeting.  It comes and goes so fast – what am I doing that matters?  Throughout my walk, I noticed patches of small wildflowers which have sprung up with the wondrous coming of spring.  They too made me consider my life.

Those little flowers spend their whole existence trying to poke through the dead grass, searching for some sunlight.  Or they slowly develop from budded branches of trees.  They open up their small flower faces, for what purpose?  They may fall off of the tree and land on the ground, as the flowers I wore in my ponytail did.  Often, they get stepped on and trampled by beings much larger than themselves.  They may be eaten or simply shrivel up and die when their time is done.

And yet they bloom.  Their beauty is on display for those who take the time to see it.  And even if no person ever recognizes it, these small treasures serve a purpose: they carry on a gift to the next generation.  The Bible compares our lives to the lifecycle of flowers.  Isaiah 40:6-8 contrasts the transient nature of the plants with the everlasting Word of God.  In 1 Peter 1:22-25, Peter references the Isaiah passage and urges his readers to be incorruptible.

How?  What is it that I am called to do that will last beyond the short days of my life?

The answer is love.  And, surprisingly, this can be expressed using the lyrics of two pop songs, one old and one new.  Frequently when I listen to secular music, I find myself discovering a potential deeper, spiritual meaning.  Such is the case with these two.  Both were written to refer to sexual love (I would assume), but today they offered a broader lesson.

The first was “Who Wants to Live Forever?”, a 1986 song by the rock band Queen.  The lyrics remind the listener that people don’t live forever.  “Who dares to live forever?” the song asks, as it informs that “love must die.”  In the writer’s world view, that may be true.  But I believe that there is more to my existence than this brief life.  The love I have been given, I am to share with all people I come in contact with.  It then becomes like the little flowers – a gift that keeps on giving even when my short spring is over.

The second song that came to mind as I walked back to my last class of the week was Justin Bieber’s “I Just Need Somebody to Love.”  And there is some extent to which that is true.  I have been entrusted with a treasure, a gift.  To keep it to myself would be selfish and wasteful.  A self-preserving life is the epitome of a useless life.  I am called to follow in my Savior’s footsteps – to share the love which I have been given.

I don’t have to go out and change the world to make my life have meaning.  I do need simply to show individuals their importance and worth.  I am called to share God’s gift with others.  The rest is up to Him.

Giving up CONTROL pt. 2

A week ago, I was in Siloam Springs visiting my college friends for a long weekend. I decided to go ahead and go to the Gathering, although I ended up coming in a little late. I “just happened” to find an empty seat right in front of Laura, one of my dearest JBU friends. God knew I needed to be there, and He made sure she was right there.

The student speaker talked about serving God, as a kick-off message for the JBU service groups. And honestly, it made me really frustrated. Not because of what he was saying, but because of what I was feeling.

Back in July and August, I felt like God was leading me toward something that was much much bigger than me. I had an idea of how I was going to serve God, and I really wanted it to work out in my timing. I knew it would be hard – really hard in many ways. But I also knew that if God opened those doors, He would provide the resources and the strength for me to carry it out.

I thought I was willing to make that sacrifice, to take that step of faith. Instead, the door closed—at least for now—just as the door to applying for the job I had been filling during my internship opened up. That was a huge process in and of itself! But by the time I sat in chapel last Sunday, it seemed obvious that God was leading me toward SP and not toward the other opportunity. Which is why the chapel talk annoyed me. Here I had been willing to put myself through a lot to go and serve God. And He had shut the door! What was up with that? We’re supposed to serve God and all that, so why did He close it down??

Yes, that feeling really is as immature and selfish as it sounds. I think part of it is that I wanted to serve God on my terms, in a way that would draw attention and praise to myself. I wasn’t consciously thinking that….but it probably played a subliminal role.

God had been clear though – that chance was a definite “not now.” So I had applied and interviewed for the job before I left my internship, two weeks before my visit to JBU. And in my mind, it was obvious what ought to happen next. God had clearly led me to the internship, and He had finally brought me to a place where I felt good about staying on there and looked forward to returning to the roots I had started putting down for the past two months.

When the speaker finished, the band came up and played “Oceans” by Hillsong. I had never heard the song before, but man it sure hit me right between the eyes. As I’ve said before, for quite a while God has been teaching me about trusting Him and surrendering my plans to His. And this song really summed it up. And I didn’t know whether or not I could sing it. I knew in the back of my head that I may or may not actually get the job from SP. And here God was, asking me to surrender my plans and expectations to Him, to come to a place “where my trust is without borders.” I didn’t want to say it, because I didn’t want to mean it.

I like knowing what’s going on and what I’m doing. I don’t like change, I despise the unknown. I want to be in control of my own future, partly as a defense mechanism from 10-year old baggage that I know is not healthy and that I’m trying to let go of. And this summer, God has been working in mighty ways to show me that I cling so hard to the control because I don’t trust Him to take care of me and protect me. I don’t trust Him to have my best at heart because of how He’s let things hurt me before. And that’s hard for me to admit out loud.

So I sat there as most everyone else stood and sang. I sat and I wrestled and I cried. Because I was not willing to give up my {albeit false} sense of control. I didn’t want to go “wherever You call me” – I wanted to go back to SP where I had finally become comfortable after two long, hard months.

But He kept asking—gently and yet insistently—for me to lay it down. And I was scared. Scared that if I did, He would just slam the SP door shut in my face too. But deeper down inside, I knew that His plan would be better—even if it wouldn’t be to my ideal liking.

As I wrestled, my mind flashed back to the previous night. I had gone to the Swing Dance Society’s first swing dance evening of the semester. I don’t really know how to dance – I don’t think of myself as a very well-coordinated dancer. But the several guys who had asked me to dance with them had all been patient teachers. They put me through the paces pretty quick, trying to teach me several of the basic moves. And I had to trust them. I didn’t know what I was doing, or where I was going when they initiated a step. I just had to pay close attention to their explanations and/or the signals they made by gently tugging on one arm or the other. A lot of times, I made mistakes. Many times, I also made assumptions about what their next moves were going to be, and sometimes that got me in trouble.

As those thoughts flashed through my mind, I could see the relation between the two—trying to learn swing dance and deciding to trust Christ’s plan for my life. Pardon the analogy, but it’s as though God was holding out His hand, asking me if I would like to dance. Would I trust Him enough to place my hands in His and listen to His leading and guiding? Or would I jump to conclusions and try to do things my way, which typically ends up in me being at the wrong place in the step?

In the end, I had to give in. God thankfully has a tight enough hold on my heart that I could not truly refuse His request, even though my fleshly desires didn’t want to let go of my supposed control. The second song we sang was “Rise,” also by Hillsong. It focuses on praising God. I didn’t want to stand up and sing that song either. I wanted to stay “stuck” in a place of pitying myself for what I had to lay down.

And that too was very selfish. Who do I think I am??? Even Jesus had to submit His desires to God. And even He didn’t think it was an easy or flippant thing (see the Garden of Gethsemane!). But even He—God’s own Son—humbled Himself and submitted to one of the hardest and cruelest forms of death man has ever created (see Phil. 2). And we’re right back to the same perspective thing I was talking about in my previous post.

It’s God’s glory that matters. And thanks be to His grace and patience – He’s not going to give up on me until He has stripped me down of my selfish ambitions and pride. And no, it’s not a fun process. But He is worth so very much more. And in the good moments, I can remember what truly matters. And it’s not what I’m going to be doing at any point in the future.

Laura was wonderful and sat with me for a while afterward – we talked about letting go of the past. She came up with several good analogies that helped explain how I was feeling J She’s the best J

And you know what? I was right. God did end up shutting the SP door too. I got the call Thursday that they picked someone else. Last Sunday night helped me be prepared for that, but it’s still been hard. Friday especially I was really frustrated with God for not coming through on this and doing things my way. There were definitely lots of tears and some internal yelling going on. And I don’t confess that lightly. I forget His lessons soooo easily……

But He is still faithful, and His plan remains unchanged—His plan to bring Himself glory and to conform me to the image of His Son. To the praise of His glorious name.

Building Confidence

I’ve been writing and rewriting this post in my head for several months. And somehow, tonight just feels right to actually write it. So here goes {deep breath}. But first, let me introduce you to two girls.

Eleanor was not a typical teenager. Sure, she had dreams and ambitions like any young person…but she had also been through a set of experiences which made her unique. Everyone has, but Eleanor’s life made her think that was more so the case in her instance than in the general populations. After all, how many “normal” 13-year-olds can lay claim to the adventure of living in a different country for 6+ months??

Of course, not all the experiences which shaped Eleanor’s personality were positive. She was a very reserved/withdrawn person. She was not inclined to go hang out with friends. She frankly hated the phone (I don’t know why). The friends she did have were all, like her, super focused on and rather overwhelmed by school. Eleanor was a pretty private person. She didn’t share herself—especially her weaknesses/failures—easily with anyone. Not anyone. If she knew I was sharing this, it would make her very uncomfortable.

On the other hand is Ellie. She just graduated from college. She’s also not a “regular” American 20-something. The ideas of either clothes shopping for fun or spending long periods of time getting hair and makeup perfect are—quite frankly—very confusing to her. Ellie is an introvert, and once in a while if she feels too lost in a big group of people she can just go into shut down mode. She’s a perfectionist, and expects a lot of herself—she wants to do things well. In some ways, Ellie is pretty similar to Eleanor.

But at the same time, they are dis-similar. Ellie needs her alone time, but she also needs time with her friends. And that can be either on Skype, texting, or in a phone conversation! In college (especially the last two years), Ellie frequently made the choice to toss her homework aside for “later” while she spent time with friends. That’s something Eleanor couldn’t conceive of. Ellie also values other people’s input, and she is more willing to share about what she struggles with. She often finds herself questioning what other people think of her—but she has close friends who she trusts completely and with whom she finds it easy to be open.

So here we have these two different people. But if you know me very well, you probably picked up on the fact that these are not actually two separate girls. It’s just me, though at two very different times of my life. It’s amazing what a difference 5+ years can make. And believe me, it’s been quite the process. And not always a fun one, that’s for sure. But as I look back, I am thankful for where God has brought me and how He has grown me.

I’ve noticed just in the past 6ish months that I have become a lot more confident—I think in a good way. Last summer, when I interned in DC, my supervisor’s main negative critique on a feedback form was that I was hesitant to step up and introduce myself to people. Now, I certainly don’t claim to have reached perfection on that. As I said above, I’m still an introvert. But I am currently on my second work trip where I go to a location and have the job of interviewing people most of whom I have never met before. (True, I was freaking out/worried about it before Joplin…but that trip went amazingly well and gave me a big confidence boost!) Not to mention that when I came to this job, I knew basically no one. Are there still moments when I am not as outgoing as I sometimes wish I were? Oh yeah, for sure. Ellie is still a perfectionist with high self-expectations! And it’s still an area where I can grow.

But that’s not the only type of confidence I’ve grown in. I’ve also learned to be more self-confident, especially in the area of opening up to the people I trust and sharing my bad times in addition to the good times. And I’ve learned the immense value of friends who will take time to meet you where you’re at and join you on the journey, wherever life has you at the moment. I didn’t have that before I came to college. It wasn’t the fault of the friends I had, it was much more my fault. I didn’t really let any of my friendships in high school get past a pretty shallow “safe zone,” because I didn’t trust people—not anyone specifically, I just didn’t trust anybody in general.

Including God. Which is still hard for me to admit. I only just realized that component of it in January, when the professor for my “Capstone Seminar in Christian Life” class asked us to write “Here I Am” papers discussing our spiritual biographies. Well…I had started to be aware of it a couple months prior when one day, reading through Psalm 139 I realized that I couldn’t say verses 14 and 16 with belief and conviction. Then in January I realized when the breakdown had begun. There was still a lot of hurt and pain I was holding onto—and still am sometimes—a truth I only started realizing fully in April. One day that month, tears flowed as I finally came to grips with and grieved the emotional/spiritual damage done nearly 10 years before to my young self.

To explain the source of that would take too long here…and it would require telling a tale that is 90% not mine to tell. Suffice it to say that although it was not my personal actions or choices which caused the vast majority of what happened, it 100% had an effect on shaping who I am. It deeply impacted me, my family, and other people. And it was hard. And it was painful. And I still feel the resulting wounds. No, I was not a helpless victim in the process. I chose how I responded and acted, and even though I was only 13 at the time and didn’t understand what was happening or how it was affecting me, I am still responsible for the choices I made. {Just to clarify, I was never directly targeted or physically harmed in any way. This was not a physical incident at all, it was “only” relational. And I was a fairly uninvolved bystander who was nevertheless heavily affected by the fallout.}

I now believe that it was my disappointment that God didn’t “fix” everything and put it back to the way that it had been which led to my spiritual “dark age” of 2003 and beyond. And I believe it was my resulting trickle-down distrust of people—in addition to personality tendencies such as perfection—that led to me building a fortress stronghold all around my heart. If I didn’t let anybody in, I couldn’t get hurt, right? If I guarded my emotions and didn’t tell anyone what I struggled with, I would be safer, wouldn’t I? Looking back, I think that’s what my unconscious thought process was.

This obviously affected my whole life—all of my relationships. God, parents, friends—I tried to keep all at a safe distance, tried to make sure that I always only put my best foot forward. It was emotionally and spiritually exhausting, and I felt so very lonely. But for such a long time, I didn’t realize where the breakdown had occurred. Oh, I knew there was a problem. I just didn’t know how to fix it. And my way (trying harder) was NOT working.

But God didn’t leave me there. Finally, on Jan. 25, 2011 His message of GRACE broke through loud and clear. It has still often seemed like a long/tedious/difficult/painful process since then…but once God got my vertical relationship onto the foundation that it should be on, my horizontal relationships also started shifting.

August 28, 2009 was my second day of classes at John Brown University as a pretty clueless freshman. It was also my first regular chapel, the first of many many in my undergraduate career! But I will always remember that chapel. President Pollard spoke, as he always does on the first chapel of the semester. He shared from John 9, about the miracle where Jesus spit, made mud to put on a blind guy’s eyes, and told him to go wash in the pool of Siloam. The name of the town that came to be a second home over the next four years is Siloam Springs, after that pool.

At that early date, I was still clueless about how much healing God was going to do in my life. In fact, I didn’t realize how much healing I needed. Looking back at John 9 tonight, I noticed something I hadn’t connected before. In verse 7, John tells us that “Siloam” meant “sent.” I don’t know that I’ve really blogged about it before…but I was definitely sent to JBU—even though I didn’t recognize it as that at the time. I honestly went to the school because a friend at church “just happened” to suggest I look into it, and it’s where I ended up receiving the best financial aid package from, plus having the major I wanted to pursue. I only applied to three schools – so it’s not like I really looked into that many options. But I firmly believe God sent me to exactly the right place!

During my last semester this past spring, as this realization was growing in my mind, I noticed a sign that perfectly summed up why JBU is now such an important part of my life. A couple days after graduation, a good friend of mine from church took me out to Fayetteville for breakfast. As we came back into town, I asked if we could stop to take a picture by the sign. She was kind enough to oblige J

So that’s my story. But it’s really not my story. It’s a story of what GOD has done in my life, through the work of a whole variety of influences. And I can now say that I am thankful for all of it—the parts which were good and beautiful, and even those parts that I don’t understand and which were/still are painful to remember.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And He is ALWAYS faithful to do His work!

What I Learned in Ireland

It’s amazing how much impact one month can have. Just four weeks – but for me it really was the capstone (thus far) of almost 2.5 years of deep heart work that God has been doing. Writing the title of this post, I knew there’s no way I can truly do justice in trying to put down everything I learned….especially because a lot of it is just the fruit of a much longer process.

So what did I gain from my time in the “emerald isle”?

First off, the overarching theme through all of this is God's incredible faithfulness. Obviously, none of this could have happened without His working - and I am so immensely thankful to Him for that!

~~I learned again my own fallenness – in my own strength, I can do nothing. In my flesh, I am a me-focused, selfish, prideful person. Even writing this out and sharing it could be done in a way seeking self-gratification – but my desire here is to share what God’s GRACE has been at work doing in my life, often in spite of me.

~~For about a year, the idea of dying daily has been rolling around in my head. Songs such as “Lead Me to the Cross” and “King of My Life” have kept coming up in my mind. And I’ve been praying that Christ would bring me to a point of consistently crucifying my old man. In Ireland, I came to understand more how truly difficult and painful that can be – but so very worth it. The seed of this was planted way back in 2008, and created the foundation for the name of this blog.

~~Related to that is the concept of control and ownership. I’m a control freak, and very dependent on MY ownership of MY stuff. But during the past year and a half plus, surrender has been an important concept that God keeps bringing back to the forefront of my mind. This has come to be signified in my mind by the phrase “I am Thine,” a reminder that the God who redeemed me by shedding His Son’s blood is the only one who has any real claim on my life.

~~Another closely connected theme is that of TRUST. This is something else God’s been working on in my life for about 15 months. Part of surrender is choosing to trust God’s plan rather than trying to make my own work. The day I left Dallas for Boone, the teacher at my church in Dallas preached a message hitting this nail right on the head. I would encourage you to listen to it here.

~~Freedom – when I do come to a point of surrendering my own will and placing my trust in God, it does bring relief. Because suddenly, it’s His work that He will accomplish in His time and His way. In some ways, that takes all of the pressure off of me! Of course, it’s not an easy process at all to trust Him so completely (though I certainly wish it were – because He’s worthy of that). But I’m no longer the one who has to make something of myself. Instead, I simply have to make myself available to Him.

~~God’s GRACE and PATIENCE are truly boundless. I was reminded by this over and over again in Ireland. All those moments when I would be focused on my ideas and on myself, and His Spirit would catch me on it, pointing my perspective back to Him. He always stood by, waiting patiently for me to let go of myself and cling to Him. No matter how many times I stumbled, He was always right there.

~~Reality of fear. This is naturally related to trust…..for quite a while, God has asked me—often at the most inconvenient of moments—“Do you trust Me?” And oftentimes, if I’m being honest, I have to say no. Last semester I realized for the first time that my willingness to trust had been deeply injured by stuff that had happened…and I feared voluntarily relinquishing my sense of control because of that. It’s a long story…one I’ve been contemplating blogging about but haven’t yet.

~~The blessing of healing: I’ve been a very introverted person for a long time – and I still am. But this year God has finally brought me to a place where I am confident enough in who I am that I am willing to open up and share with others about what I struggle with. I’m finally beginning to learn to accept my flaws and imperfections—not as in allowing them to remain in my life, but as in being willing to honestly share about the challenges God has brought me through and the ways He is continuing to sanctify me.

~~The depths of love. Two summers ago, God taught me a lot about being willing to love unconditionally, from 1 John 4. Before we ever left for Ireland, I prayed—and asked people to pray for me—that God would fill me with His love for the kids of Killyleagh. And He did – so very much. Even though I was often annoyed at their apparent lack of listening abilities, and often discouraged by the feeling that I wasn’t getting through to them, I love them. I often wished I could just find ways to show them each just how much God cares for them.

~~Lessons for me…..  I learned on the very first day of ministry in Killyleagh that I needed to learn and be reminded of the importance of the characteristics of God that we were teaching just as much as the kids did. Compassion: meeting someone’s needs, not just shushing them to do your own thing. Humility: caring about others and putting their needs above your own. And so many others!

~~God answers prayer. I’ve already alluded to this a couple of times. Another “dangerous” prayer I’ve been praying for a while is that God would break me and strip me of myself. And there were definitely times in the past month where I have felt so very broken before Him. But He doesn’t leave me there. He brings cleansing and healing, building me up into a tool for His use, for His glory.

Coming back stateside has been a whole process in and of itself. The first couple of days I was honestly an emotional wreck. So many feelings and experiences I was trying to process, plus being tired from travelling. Over the weekend I just felt full – like I’d taken in everything I possibly could, like I couldn’t hold another drop. And now I’m in a whole new place with whole new lessons to learn, and it would be so easy to stay focused on the past. But the sanctification process doesn’t stop – God just keeps on refining. And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

At dinner the evening before we left Ireland, Becci asked several of us what were three words we would use to describe our time in Ireland. It wasn’t too hard for me to answer that: WRESTLING. BEAUTY. CRAZINESS. This whole post is an attempted explanation, a try at unwinding all three of those, but especially the first one. And that’s why, if you ask me how my trip to Ireland was, I’ll respond that it was wonderful and fantastic – really hard in some ways, but so very good. And if I seem reluctant to go into details, it’s because all of this whole post—or at least parts of it—are running through my mind. And I just don’t know how much you really want to know. But now you have the rest of the story. And yet even this is merely a scratch on the surface of the work God’s been doing in me. All praise goes to Him J

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

(Phil. 3:12-14)

Confirmation - God Proving His Faithfulness

It’s nice when God puts resources in my path which confirm what He’s been teaching me for the last few months. That happened to me in a double way over Christmas Break.

I’ve been feeling for a long time that God is drawing me into a much deeper, much more “real” and “alive” relationship with Him. Sometimes that’s kind of scary, because it doesn’t fit what I’ve grown up with. It feels less safe because suddenly God is breaking out of the boxes I had Him so neatly packed into as a kid. But it is so very worth it – because it fulfills a deep need and longing I had for a long time in high school.

I knew there was a disconnect somewhere. I’ve written about this before. Just this evening, though, I was doing some reading for my “Capstone Seminar in Christian Life” class that I’m taking this semester (which is AMAZING!), and it finally helped make sense of the confusion I’ve felt for so long (explained in the second paragraph of the post linked above).

In a chapter of his book Invitation to a Journey, Robert Mulholland takes the Myers-Briggs test and applies it to the choices Christians make in their spiritual practices (chapter 5). You can tell he’s studied/thought about it a lot because he nails several of his points. In his next chapter, he turns to the “shadow side” of one’s personality. His point is that people can tend to start thinking that their own personality type is the “best”/”right”/”only” way to do things. As a result, we can start thinking about the opposite way of doing things as wrong and maybe even evil (pg. 55-56).

Reading through the first section, I couldn’t initially figure out where I landed on the sensing/intuition category or the thinking/feeling one. But then he went on to discuss the dangers of the “one-sided spirituality” which can result from the problem mentioned in the previous paragraph. When we only stick to what we are familiar with, to what feels safe and comfortable for our personality type, our spiritual practices can end up disintegrating (pg. 62). Mulholland points out that this can happen in two ways – either people fall away from their faith, or they continue through the motions of spiritual practices but face feelings of stagnation (pg. 63).

Yep, stagnation – that’s the same word I used over a year ago to describe how I felt in high school. From what I’ve read so far of Mulholland, I now think this was primarily because I was only feeding the “thinking” side of processing data (pg. 52), and I was starving the “feeling” side to death. But it wouldn’t die. Instead, it filled my heart with cravings that I couldn’t satisfy through my typical “thinking” approach. It took a year and a half of college, but when the moment was right God stepped in and started pouring out His love and fulfilling that need of my heart.

Anyway, that’s not the direction I had intended this post to take {don’t you love when God hijacks something and takes it a completely different direction? J}. I thought I was just sitting down to write about the two books I read/started reading over break that helped verify for me that seeking and desiring a more experiential relationship with God wasn’t just me going off the deep end into some mystical something or other. And no, Mulholland’s books wasn’t one of the two I had in mind!

The first is Heart’s Cry: Principles of Prayer, a book about how to develop a prayerful relationship with God. While most of the chapters do focus on aspects of prayer, it’s also a wonderful, encouraging, challenging book about deepening one’s relationship with God in general. Even the fact that I have the book is a testimony to God’s leading and faithfulness. One day in October, I was taking some time in the prayer room to try to process something that had happened the night before. Afterward, I “randomly” decided to go into the JBU bookstore and look at their bargain books. As soon as I laid eyes on this one, I knew I should get it.

God knew what He was doing {obviously} because He has been using it to guide me into a very intentional growing of how I relate to Him. I’ve known for a while that my prayer practices could use improvement and growth, and this is what God is using to bring that about!

The other book was Night with a Perfect Stranger: The Conversation that Changed Everything, a fictional book by David Gregory. It is a sequel to his book Dinner with a Perfect Stranger, in which a typical modern businessman receives an invitation to have a dinner with Jesus – Christ in the flesh. The first book is more about Christianity in general, while the second is focused on how to practically live out a relationship with God.

As I said earlier, both of these books have been very encouraging to me over Christmas break. I read Gregory’s two books in one morning (they are very easy reads), and I’ve been working my way through Heart’s Cry a chapter a day as a devotional. I’ve also been reading through Ephesians, which has been filled with great reminders.

So God has been once again proving His faithfulness to me by encouraging me. He’s pretty good at that JHeaH

Looking back.....

Clearly the increasing work load of the semester caught up to me and I allowed it to prevent me from writing more posts for this blog.  Last semester was the hardest semester of my life for a variety of reasons......but in many ways it was also the best semester.  Throughout all the tough stuff that I went through, God proved His faithfulness and His abundant grace over and over and over again.  He led me on a path of working through a variety of things, a process which included lots of thinking and journaling.  So just because a cataloging of the journey sadly didn't make it into my small corner of the web here does not mean nothing was happening.  I would like to write some more posts about this process, but becoming an increasingly independent adult and bearing the resultingly greater responsibilities of life makes it more challenging.  If you want the bite-sized, more frequently updated version of what God is doing in my life, check out my Twitter feed.  My posts from that are linked to also show up as Facebook statuses :)

What Happened at the Cross?

In my Integrated Theology class, we've been studying Soteriology the past couple of classes. Last Thursday we were talking about Atonement theories - what happened when Christ died for us - looking at how it works. Our main textbook is called The Mosaic of Christian Belief by Rogers Olson. He discuses four main theories which he says fall within the realm of orthodox Christianity. They are listed below.

1. Ransom/Satisfaction - Christ's death 'paid Satan off' to some extent so that we were freed from bondage to him. Mark 10:45, 1 Tim. 2:6, Heb. 9:15
2. Christ the Victor - At the cross, Christ forever defeated Satan, sin, and death. Rom. 8:2, 1 John 2:1
3. Substitution - Christ took the punishment that we deserved because of our sin. Gal. 3:10, 13, John 15:13, 2 Cor. 5:21, 1 Pet. 3:18
4. Moral Influence - Through His life, Christ became our model of how to return to a right relationship with God. Phil. 2:5, Rom. 7:4-6, Gal. 2:20

Now, I personally think that #4 is getting closer to the edge of what I would typically consider solid theology, but that may be because I don't entirely understand it.

One of the things that was mentioned in class was the question of "why does this really matter?" Although Christ's death on the cross is clearly one of the most important doctrines of Christianity, does it really matter how God accomplished our salvation through Christ's work?

While this was still somewhat in the back of my mind, that Sunday in church we sang a song by the Gettys called "Power of the Cross." {Can I just add that I appreciate their lyrics a lot?} As we were singing it, I couldn't help but compare it with the various theories we had talked about. I think this particular song lines up mostly with the Substitution theory, although it does refer some to a couple of the others.

In the end, the important thing to remember about Christ's death is what it accomplished, not necessarily how it was accomplished. At the same time, as we were encouraged in class, it is important to ask the how and why questions. Through searching for the answers to those deeper questions, we can come to know God's heart and His workings more fully.

So...I don't have any deep insight here to share with you, but I did just want to encourage you not to be afraid to search out why you believe what you believe. When approached from the understanding that God and His Word have the correct answers and are the final authority, I think it would be hard to go wrong on that quest.

Called to Love

Well, break is over and I'm back at school. It was good to have a time without studying. I still worked a good bit, but I also had time to just relax and to reflect. God is continuing to remind me of things. One of the things in the past month has been what His call on the lives of His people is.

I've been spending time in Philippians for a little over a week now. The last couple days I've been in chapter 2, and God used it to remind me that each of us is called to love others sacrificially, as Christ loved us.

God's love for us is SO amazing and SO unconditional. But we should not keep that love for ourselves. He loves us so that we can in turn pour out love onto others. We are not here in this world for us. We are here to bring glory to God and to shine as His lights (Phil. 2:15).

Just today I was reading a chapel talk that Chip Pollard, the president of JBU, gave a while ago and put into his book May It Always Be True. This particular one was focusing on kindness, based on Mark 12:28-31 about the greatest commandment being to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves.

In the section about loving God, President Pollard writes:

"We should love the Lord our God with all aspects of our being. Our love for God should move us emotionally...tax us intellectually...stretch us physically...shape our spiritual character...define the inner core of our personality. There is no part of our being that should not respond to God's character. Moreover, to love God with all [of your being]...means being willing to surrender [all of your being]...to His calling." pg. 46

As often happens, God has been using multiple sources to remind me of His truth on this issue. Love is a powerful force. It can change the world - turn it upside down. And we have been given this "secret weapon" if you will. The devil doesn't understand love. How could he? It's antithetical to him and who he is. If Christians would only be willing to sacrifice our own self-pleasure enough to unleash the full power of God's love through us, we could be His tools to transform this globe.

Something else God reminded me of as I was out walking this afternoon is that it isn't enough for me to think about these things, or to write about them. I must act. So, you are more than welcome to keep me accountable on this. When you see me, you could ask me "what have you done to love someone else?" Thanks :)

God's Puzzle: Part 6

October and November have been tough months for me. I’ve allowed myself to stress about nearly everything. I’ve not done a couple of [small] homework assignments. Most papers have been done the night before or day that they are due. For a multiplicity of various reasons, I didn’t go to a single church service at my church here in Siloam Springs between Sept. 11 and Nov. 6. Most of those weekends I was out of town, but a couple of times I chose not to attend.

The lesson from these trying past couple of months—although I am only just now recognizing it—is that it is not enough to say “yes” when I hear the question “Do you trust Me?” or to say “I am Thine.” I must make the choice, through God’s strength, to live that out in my actions if I am to find the rest and the satisfaction in life that I learned last spring is possible.

The process of learning this hasn’t been easy…October’s musings filled 16 pages of my journal…but standing here I am thankful to be able to look back and finally see that there has been a lesson in all the hiccups I feel like I’ve been through. Again, I don’t feel like talking about it in detail here…it’s still too recent I guess. To some extent, God used spring semester to ground me in His love—the summer to teach me that He is trustworthy—September to show me what He calls me to—and October and November have been something of a test to see if I am ready to live it out.

And frankly, I’ve failed quite a few times. Because even with the past 11 months of learning, I still forget. The weekends of Oct. 9 and Nov. 5 were, honestly, horrible. Last weekend was amazing. This weekend may not be so great because I have one paper due Sunday night and two others due Monday. But I have the tools to succeed – well, one tool really: God’s strength. If I choose to trust Him and to work diligently, I can do well. I don’t have to be stressed. God is faithful – it is up to me to live in recognition of His faithfulness.

God's Puzzle: Part 2

About a week later, the next event came, again, from my Student Leadership class. I had just gone through a couple of crazy homework weeks, evidently. I was getting use to working as News Editor for the campus newspaper (which involves working in the office for 7-9 hours every Tuesday night), so that was a big adjustment. Anyhow, I had failed to do any of the reading for the Wednesday afternoon class – which was, ironically enough, about the dangers of over-committing ourselves. And so, to put that into practice, I proceeded to skip the small group time of the class and instead go out to the 100 stairs—one of my best retreat places on campus—and think, pray, journal, etc.

God had already rescued me from a bit of my own craziness and volunteering to stretch myself too far. I had applied to be an RA and to be the HSP secretary, but by God’s grace I thankfully received neither position. Most of my journal entry that day (March 9) was praying that I would focus on God and on what was truly important rather than all the stuff I thought I could do to make the world a better place. The lesson was simple and clear: “Be Still & Know.”

Spring Break came and went, much too fast for my liking. But even in that, there was a lesson, which I blogged about. It was one of the rough patches that have still come up even in this Spring of my relationship with God. To use something more recent to explain it – last week I read through papers on C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters as part of my work study TA job. One of the temptations many students referred to was what Lewis had Screwtape label the “Law of Undulation” – that our lives are full of peaks and troughs. It is in the troughs, Screwtape wrote, that humans can learn the most and that the most danger to a demon’s plan can occur.

So yes - I have still had rough times since January. But now there is a deep underlying peace and certainty of God's love and involvement in my life that I didn't feel as much before. I especially came to realize that the next month when the full weight of a series of tragedies hit me.

God's Puzzle: Part 1

{Checkout the prologue from last night if you haven't seen it :) }

It started, oddly enough, with homework for a class. I took the Student Leadership class, and we read a book by Henri Nouwen entitled “In the Name of Jesus.” I wrote in my journal about it on Jan. 23 – and although it caused me to end up crying again this time the tears were not tears of frustration that God didn’t seem to be meeting me where I was. Instead, this time the tears were more of repentance for my sin that was blocking me from the good God had in store for me. I was finally beginning to gain a more correct perspective. It is never a question of if God loves me. He does! “Only He is capable of loving me despite my failings,” I wrote. “Not even I can do that. Only He is capable of keeping me out of my deep, self-made rut.”

Two days later, Jill Briscoe came to speak in chapel for Spiritual Renewal Week. She talked about people losing their spiritual edge. As I had been standing there singing (I think before she talked…but I’m not positive), the thought had come to my mind – “What I do is not a question of earning God’s love. I don’t need to earn it. He already loves me, no matter what. Salvation really is a gift – I really can’t earn it. Anything I do for Him is a gift of love.” That reminder/realization was the beginning of my personal revival. Yes, of course I knew that in my head before that moment. But I hadn’t been living it out.

From there, everything kind of started happening at once. There’s no way I can compile a record here of everything I feel God has taught me in the months since then. Early on, when I was first intending to write this post, I wanted to call it “God doesn’t work in a vacuum.” On a frequent basis throughout last spring, I would have what I’ve come to call “Lessons of the Day” (LotD) that usually get put onto my Twitter account (Esther0925). Although it seems odd now looking back that such a drastic change would happen so quickly, I kept thinking of things that applied to what I was going through and that I believe have been promptings of the Holy Spirit. I kind of feel as though I’m walking a thin line here, because I don’t believe I have received some sort of “special revelation.” At the same time, I think God has been teaching me and I want to share what I have learned with others in the hope that God may use it in their lives as well.

The only bad thing about my Twitter LotD’s is that when I look back at them I frequently have no context. But on Feb. 24 I tweeted: “Lord, teach me how to love You. First and foremost, You alone. My life will never truly work out until You are at the center.” That weekend was the women’s retreat that I talked about a bit earlier. It was the next big step in the process. The subject was authenticity. I’m not going to write much about it here because it was an intensely personal and reflective time that, frankly, I’m not willing to be vulnerable enough with the world wide web to put here. Suffice it to say I filled up 8.5 pages with notes in my chapel notebook and another 8.5 pages of reflection in my journal. Again, I closed with a prayer that September’s rereading showed had been answered. “I pray that You would continue to quicken my awareness of You….Refresh me with Your presence each moment, I pray.” And as the days and weeks continued, He did.

God's Puzzle: Prologue

I’ve been meaning to do this post for at least six months. This is going to be a {hopefully} brief post {imagine that red text is crossed out – brief...who was I kidding!} simply tracing what God has been teaching me over the past year – because it’s been an amazing time of growth for me.

First, a bit of background. This isn’t easy for me to admit – but I’d have to say that during most of high school and the first year and a half of college my spiritual life was, for the most part, stagnant. I had plenty of head knowledge about God, but I felt an almost complete lack of any real relationship with Him. And I desperately wanted that relationship. There were plenty of times I would shut myself into my room and cry at nights because I didn’t feel God and I wanted to so badly. It never made any sense to me. God wants a relationship with me, right??? Then why don’t I seem to have one if He wants it and I want it? I don’t have the answer to that question – but this post is going to focus on the growth I have had since then to a time when I have felt that relationship in a more real and tangible way than ever before. Yes, I know feelings aren’t everything. But I am human and feelings are part of the equation.

This next part is a bit out of place, but it will help explain things. In February of last year, one of the JBU professors spoke at the campus women’s retreat. She talked about knowing God in three ways: Intellectually, Experientially, and Affectively (Emotionally). As I wrote in my journal reflecting on that, “I’ve known about God intellectually all my life, in a growing sense. I would say that I started to know Him experientially when we went to China. I saw and experienced how He provided for us in the years afterward, and there were things like the NO, LA {New Orleans, Louisiana} trip too. I’d say I really started knowing God affectively once I came to JBU and especially this semester. Things like chapel and The Furnace and then everything this semester has shown me a side of God I hadn’t really thought about or connected with before.”

So anyway, in September 2010 I wrote my first post on this blog after a year of silence. It’s like the prologue to everything that has happened since. Let me just say here that it has been so important for me personally to write about what God is doing in my life. It can be so encouraging to go back and look through what I was thinking and feeling and see how God has been faithful in answering my heart’s cry – even when I felt at the time as though He wasn’t listening.

I didn’t blog or really journal much again until December. When I finally did journal, it was an entry full of the frustration I expressed in my “background” paragraph above. My sophomore fall was a tough semester – not because of difficult school work, but because of apathy…about everything. I ended with a plea to God that He would “grant me the ability to rest & trust in You and to STOP trying to live it out on my own.” When I reread that in September, it struck me that God answered that cry the next semester – Spring 2011, the semester that has honestly changed my spiritual life.

[Please note – all of this was written late night/early morning of Nov. 16/17. I’m just breaking it up into sections and posting it during the next week or so, so that maybe people won’t feel as overwhelmed by it….

The title comes from the fact that it seems each lesson and event has been a puzzle piece that has fit perfectly into the bigger picture of what God has been doing in my life.]