I don't know quite where to start - other than with the goodness of God's Grace :)
The back story to this post will be on my mental health journey blog, hopefully by mid-March. Then I'll link to it here. But I don't want to wait to celebrate what God is doing in the present.
This morning, I woke up around 4 a.m. and didn't fall back asleep. I was expecting this ... I am sharing a special devotional/spiritual object lesson with my coworkers and I really want it to go well!!!
But as a result, I made a good choice that it has taken me a long time (too long) to make consistently:
I read the next paragraph in Colossians 1. I had started the end of October, and had only done it twice since then. Personal devotions and prayer have been a struggle I have not been winning for many months. I've let other things crowd those two critical things out. On Saturday and yesterday evening I admitted this to one of my best friends and to my counselor ... and both of them are actively encouraging me to make a point of getting back into daily, personal relationship with God!!
This morning in Colossians, the verse that most stood out to me was 1:6b - "Since the day you heard and knew the grace of God in truth." That verse is especially poignant to me on today, January 25th. You see, it was 11 years ago today that Paraclete's light of GRACE broke into the cell of legalism where I had chained my heart. Click the link on "January 25th" above to read more about that :)
So it was very sweet of God to bring me back to just the paragraph that held that fragment of a verse.
I want to believe that God is continually doing a new thing in my life & soul. In some ways, it's been a long three years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and there are still things that I need to surrender back to God and trust Him with & leave it there. I hope and choose to trust that this morning is a baby step back in that direction!!!
Also, thanks to all the men who shared in our church service on Sunday at Community Bible Chapel - Paraclete definitely used each of you in working on my heart!!
I’m in a weekly study of joy, just going through the Bible
looking at each mention of the word and studying/reflecting on the context of
the rest of the chapter. I’ve definitely been enjoying this time with a couple
other ladies from my church!
This past Saturday we looked into Psalm 105. The mention of
joy is near the end of the chapter, but the verses before definitely lead up to
it. So here are my reflective notes on Psalm 105….
105:1-6 – The call/application: To be in relationship with
God! Speaking to Him and speaking about Him to others. Seeking Him out, and
remembering His marvelous works. And thus the rest of the Psalm!
105:7-12 – God’s character, specifically focused on the
promise He made and His commitment to keeping it.
105:13-15 – Historical overview: God’s protective hand over
His people—not allowing the kings of the nations to harm them.
105:16-22 – Joseph—tested by the LORD until the time was
right for him to take charge.
105:23-25 – Israel’s time in Egypt—numbers increased, but so
did hatred of them.
105:26-36 – The plagues sent against Egypt, to compel them
to let God’s people go.
105:37-41 – God’s provision for His people during the Exodus—booty,
a cloud/fire protection, food, and water.
Why all of this? Verse 42 points back to verse 8—God had
made a promise to Abraham, and He remembered it!
105:43 – Thus “He brought out His people with joy, His
chosen ones with gladness.” It took centuries
of time and apparent setbacks before the right time came for God’s plan and
purposes to be fulfilled. Joseph didn’t feel joy when he was sold into slavery,
but that was a step in the joyful Exodus. Four hundred years of Israelite
slaves didn’t experience the joy of release—but their descendants did.
105:44-45 – God did all that so His people would receive the
land of the Gentiles and keep His law
there [which they did NOT do very well!].
This chapter was a good reminder for me this week. Tomorrow marks
a year since I left Uganda, and that anniversary could get me stuck in grieving
what I miss and what I lost last year. But this chapter is a reminder to me
that God doesn’t just work joyful things through the good times. No, He is
working out His plan in ALL things, no matter how hard/bad they look or feel to
us at the time.
I find it interesting that, unlike a sermon, this Psalmist started
off with the application. Verse 1-6 are full of commands: to sing, to glory in
His name, to remember His wondrous works. And
yes, sometimes that includes remembering the hard times, as this Psalm does—but
to do so with eyes focused on the ways that God fulfills His promises and redeems
the suffering into joy!!!
So that’s my goal for tomorrow and this week: to remember
His faithfulness and the joy that He works out through the suffering and the
scars.
The Church is NOT a good works club, it IS a fellowship of grace! It’s NOT about what we do—period!
All we have to do is to receive, openly & vulnerably; to be loved by Jesus. Works-based
Christianity does NOT create sustainable faith!
The above paraphrase was the key point of the sermon I heard
this morning—a sermon so good I sat through it twice! (I’m attending church
with my hostess for the next several months, at Oak Hills Presbyterian Church
here on the outskirts of Portland.)
Currently, the church is going through a sermon series on
Acts, and this morning’s passage was about 4:32-5:11—the story of the early
Church’s lifestyle of radical giving and the death of Ananias and Saphira.
Jeremy (the pastor here) made the case that, at root, this passage is not
really about money or giving. It’s about a deeper lifestyle choice: Pretense or
Vulnerability.
The generous people, including Barnabas, showed their
vulnerability by giving up their earthly security for the sake of others –
demonstrating that the resurrection of Christ (4:33) had set them free from the
self-protective hoarding of resources. The beneficiaries of this generosity
also had to practice vulnerability, admitting to their church family that they
were facing needs that they couldn’t meet on their own.
The power of Christ created a culture of radical openness
and vulnerability for those who found their identity in HIM, rather than in
trying to project a false image of themselves to others. Ananias and Saphira,
however, made a show of spiritual heroism that was a lie – and for that they were severely punished….by death!
Jeremy talked about the word hypocrite, which comes from the Greek word for actor. In Greek
culture, stage actors would wear masks to show their emotions—happy for a
joyful scene, sad for a tragic scene, etc. With the masks, they projected what
the scene required, while hiding what was really going on underneath.
He concluded his sermon, “the only way to receive grace is
by being open and broken, trusting in
God’s grace and being real with one another.”
This sermon really struck a chord with me where I am at
spiritually right now. I have so very much to be thankful for, so very much to
praise God for. But this year, and the past several years before, have each been
the successively hardest year of my life. And so I want to share more about
that here than I have so far. Not to illicit pity. Definitely not to brag on
myself (quite the contrary!). But to testify of God’s Grace.
God has brought the above song to my mind multiple times in
the past few months. This is who I want to be. Real and raw, yes, but for the purpose of allowing God to shine His Glory through my brokenness.
As those close to me know, most of this year has been an
intense spiritual battle for me. In January I returned to my second home in
Uganda, excited for another term…though also with reservations. Before I could
even get back into my job at the office, I was hit simultaneously with insomnia,
depression, and worse.
For the next six plus months, many days it was a struggle
just to get out of bed. It felt like I was constantly fighting a losing battle
with hopelessness. After two months with little maintainable progress, I
resigned from my position in Uganda, said goodbye to the people who had become
my family there, and returned home to Dallas. I’ve become ok over these past
months with naming depression as one of my struggles. There were also other
struggles I’m still not comfortable naming this publicly.....shame can be a
strong enemy. [No physical or emotional harm was maliciously done to me.]
Suffice it to say, the fact that I am currently walking in
relationship with God is in itself a testimony to God’s abundant Grace, lavish
Love, and constant Pursuit towards me. He did this using so many amazing people
both in Uganda, Dallas, and other places who didn’t give up on me…who kept
loving me, praying for me, speaking truth to me, and fighting (spiritually) on
my behalf. If I started naming names I couldn’t quit…so I won’t start, except
to say that my parents are at the top of the list. :)
The fact that a month and a half ago I moved half way across
the country, to a place where I personally knew no one; that I am now in an
intense program of learning and serving, and that I am {mostly**} flourishing
here—that is an unimaginable miracle of Christ’s mercy and transforming power.
When people hear about my life since graduation from college
in May of 2013—most of that time spent rooted in the red soil of East Africa—they
can quickly and easily tend to put me on a pedestal. I’m here to tell you
today, I am NO super hero. I am not applying that title to myself—one well-meaning
person has told me that missionaries, me inclusive, are. On the contrary, I am
just as flawed and broken as anyone else….if not more so (in the spirit of Paul,
expressed in 1 Tim. 1:15). Any good that has come of my life is all God’s Grace.
Yesterday morning, I spent more than three hours journaling…processing…praying…grieving.
My Good Shepherd has led me on a road that has been full of both the very good and the very hard in these past five years, since I first
knocked on the door labelled “Uganda.” But He has been with me every single
step of the way, both on the sunny mountaintops and in the darkest of valleys.
This year’s breakdown didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s seeds
were sown from my personality and character flaws…from circumstances and
situations which affected me…from my failure to name what I needed and ask for
help (at least not until it was too late, humanly speaking)…from organizational
and personnel challenges. The pressure really started building in August of
2016…so it was a long time coming.
So that’s my practice at being open and vulnerable. And
maybe very few people will take the time to read this. But I process best by
writing, and so hopefully composing this blog post will better free my tongue
in personal dialogue. Please feel free to ask me questions. Christ’s healing of
my heart is finally bringing me to a place of being more willing to speak of
these things. But these previous paragraphs are not the whole story.
Here is the “My Story” version:
Hope that wouldn't
let go: My Savior never lost a grip on the wheel of my life, even when it
looked to me like it was chaotically spinning out of control. And HE has restored
my hope in Him, in His time and way.
Love that never gave
up: These past three weeks, my Lover has been calling my heart to be willing
to receive from Him and from others. Not that I should try to earn or deserve
anything, simply to receive…and THEN to give.
Life, but it wasn't
mine: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were
bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which
are God’s” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
The grace that is
greater than all my sin: If I spoke of God’s Grace—in loving me and
redeeming me from sin—for every hour of the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have
time to tell it all.
When justice was
served: But not to me; to the perfect, sinless Son of God. There are times I
want to call “FOUL!” on my life, times I say I wish there had been justice in a
given situation. But that’s only because I fail to remember what true justice
really demands.
Where mercy wins: Every
single day, every breath of my life, is as a result of the mercy of Christ.
The kindness of Jesus
that draws me in: The opposite of what I in myself deserve…but He showers
His kindness instead.
Victory over the
enemy: The victory has already been won!! It’s not my battle to fight—it’s
a gift the Christ already waged the war for, that I am simply to allow HIM to
apply to and live out in my life.
Freedom that was won
for me: Freedom from fear. Freedom from failure. Freedom to be known and to
know. To be loved and to love. To be served and to serve. Freedom as a gift
from Him, applied by Him, in and through this weak vessel.
Life overcome the
grave: Our Savior is RISEN!!! And that resurrection power is at work in each
and every one of His children!
This is my story,
this is my song,
Praising my Savior
all the day long.
One more thing that is finally getting through my thick skull:
There WILL be more challenges in my future. More twists & turns in the
road. More apparently deep, dark valleys. Maybe even tomorrow. But, Lord help
me, when those times come I want to turn more quickly to Your Truth. To root my
confidence deeply in You, not in my comfort or things going my way. To say with
Mary, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to Your
word” (Luke 1:38).
Please join me in praying that for me and, if you dare,
maybe for yourself as well.
**Three weeks ago, I heard I had to leave my initial/temporary
housing by the end of September. And that I couldn’t move into the house down
the street—that I was sure was ideal—because
of a logistical detail. My emotions and insecurities proceeded to throw an internal
hissy fit. A night of zero sleep followed, and for several days the fear and
despair and hopelessness came rolling back over me.
I’m so thankful to our team leaders and my team mates for
supporting me through that. And I can now say I’m thankful it happened, because
God used it as a catalyst to push me out of the comfortable coasting (from two
months of almost all great days) and back onto the road of proactive,
intentional healing. Also, in a stroke of divine irony, the new home I moved
to, where I initially didn’t want to be, has been an amazing fit and a real
gift. So I was fighting God, when of course He knew better all along!!
On Friday I was informed that my presence was needed (as the
minutes taker) at a meeting at our other center starting on Monday. Sunday after
church, I found out that the car I was riding in would be departing at 4 a.m.
the next morning. No, I wasn’t thrilled…as I’m sure you can imagine! But I’m
always excited to spend time with the Kobwin family so I was looking forward to
that.
As my mom says, “expectations will get you every time!” :P
I don’t remember when my cough had started this time. I know
I came down with congestion & a cough on May 13th after
reporting a long event. But thanks to the nasal adjustment my osteotherapist
gave me the next day, lots of vitamins and a few doses of Nyquil, I didn’t feel
too bad during my safari trip that Mon-Wed.
This past Sunday afternoon, I again ended up reporting a
long event. I came home absolutely exhausted, and at some point the cough had
come back. So I took it with me to Kobwin.
In the meantime, one of my sisters here had walked through
the painful loss of her first (early-term) pregnancy. She spent almost a week
in the hospital before the staff confirmed that the baby was no longer alive or
inside. Watching her and her husband walk through that was painful. But in the
last week and a half, I have also been encouraged by their example and
testimony. No, it’s not easy. It’s HARD. But I’ve seen them lean on God, give
their baby back to Him, and grow stronger in their relationship with one
another.
So on Monday of this week, I woke up really early and
boarded the car. It was packed, since
it was also serving as transport for a staff family moving back to that general
area. We ended up making three unplanned stops – two dealing with tires (one
tire went flat) and another for an hour and a half on the side of the road
after a hose pipe busted (or something along those lines). Instead of reaching
our destination at lunch time and starting meetings then, our van didn’t reach
there until around 6 p.m.
I was exhausted and ready to crash, despite having slept
some in the car. But the decision was made to meet from 8-10 p.m. that night.
And I was staying with a Ugandan staff member in her house rather than at the
guesthouse like I expected. Which was good, because otherwise I would have
hardly seen her at all, but it came with its own challenges (namely, bathroom
facilities).
I think it was that night that I felt how inadequate I was
for the situation – and I started praying for God’s grace to sustain me through
the next days. My hostess made apologies for the dust from the roof (papyrus
matting) and for the rats that lived in the roof. Thankfully I really didn’t
notice the latter, but I think the former exacerbated my cough.
A young boy who came with his dad in the van I was riding in
had slept almost all day on Monday. That night, he had a high fever. So as I
went to bed that night, that was my prayer focus – as well as thankfulness for
a very positive update I had heard in the meeting.
The health of my relationship with God has really been under
fire in the past months/year. I’ve kept trying to press through, and I’ve
talked about it with my mentor here. But nothing had seemed to be shifting noticeably.
In the past 2.5 weeks, I’ve been going through a Beth Moore Bible study, “Believing
God,” in preparation for co-leading it with another lady here starting next
week. Both this study and a book my mentor and I are reading through has been
bringing to life the reminders about God that I’ve needed to hear again.
So on Monday night as I prayed for the little boy, I was so
encouraged to notice a difference in my heart’s attitude. There’s not a
concrete way to explain it, but my belief and faith were stronger that God
could and would intervene, in His
time & way. That encouraged my heart, and I know it wasn’t because of ME.
It is God’s grace.
The next morning (yesterday), I was so blessed to hear that
he was doing ok, and that he and his father had slept well (one of my specific
prayer requests).
The meetings started at about 9 a.m. and continued with only
three 45-minute breaks until 9 p.m. The heat at Kobwin (especially inside
buildings during the day) meant that we met outside. Which also meant that my
computer battery life ended up being something of an issue. So during the last
two breaks I had to walk a few minutes away to the office, the only place with sockets
at the center.
By break time (10:30 a.m., which always includes tea and
snacks in Uganda), I noticed that I had a headache. Thankfully I always carry
ibuprofen with me, so I took one. And the rest of the day, I found myself
watching the clock for when I could take one again. Each one gave me about two
hours of relief, enough to carry on my responsibilities, but I was not feeling great.
The meetings finally wrapped up, and I was told we would be
getting up at 5 a.m. to leave for the long drive back home to Kasana. Oh
bother. I was sad that the hectic schedule meant I had barely said three
sentences to any of my friends there other than my hostess. Additionally, one
of the families that I’m closest to wasn’t even around, they were on leave
(vacation).
I went back to the house where I was staying, packed things
up, and got myself to bed as fast as I could since I was once again exhausted.
My cough kept me awake longer than I wanted, until the cough drop I took
started helping. Then just a few hours later, I awoke again. My skin was hot to
my own touch, but I was shivering in violent spurts. I pulled the heavy blanket
over me, and tried to pray and sleep again. Twice, as I prayed for peace, I
immediately felt my tense, shivering body relax. Thankfully it didn’t take too
long to fall back asleep.
We got on the road at around 6 this morning, and thankfully
the trip back was much less eventful. The van was also roomier, since obviously
we weren’t taking back the load we had carried on the way up. So I was able to
stretch out on a bench seat and sleep some. But coughing and the bumpy road
were not kind to my headache, in spite of still being on ibuprofen.
We safely reached home at about 2 p.m. This afternoon was
our weekly staff fellowship, and I went even though I still didn’t feel great.
As I forced myself to unpack to clear off my bed, I couldn’t help but think
about how the last time I felt healthy for an extended period of time was
probably in early March, before my last Kobwin trip and before rainy season
started.
Rainy season here for me brings frequent sneezing fits
(especially in the morning) and a drippy nose. Probably a reaction to the
cooler temperatures and mold.
An example of the latter: I have a pair of sandals I have
worn very frequently over the past year and a half. Recently, I didn’t put them
on for a couple weeks because I needed to do a bit of sewing on them to shorten
the elastic straps. In the meantime, mold started to grow on my sandals.
On Sunday I had given them a good scrubbing (Oh, maybe that’s
why my cough came back??), and they look so clean now! It’s funny how you don’t
fully realize just how dirty something has gradually gotten until you clean it
thoroughly.
Anyway, It’s been a rough three months, full of ups and
downs health-wise. In my room, I have a calendar with the names of God on it. Interestingly,
May’s name was Jehovah Rophe, “The God Who Heals.” As I looked at the calendar
this evening, preparing to flip it, I had just taken my temperature to find
that I have a slight fever for the third or fourth distinct time in the past
three months.
My heart wanted to scoff at the promise I had welcomed so
hopefully at the beginning of May. But then I re-read May’s verse: “Bless the
LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your
iniquity; who heals all your diseases” (Psalm 103:2-3). I was struck by the
order of that. It’s not God’s physical healing that has priority. No, it’s the spiritual healing that every believer
has received which is primary. And it’s on that basis that I can proclaim God’s
goodness tonight.
So even when I was struck by another fit of shivering as I
wrote this post, even though I still have a fever (101 now), I can and will
continue to proclaim God’s goodness. I can and will choose to be thankful for
the many blessings I have received from God, which are too innumerable to count.
And I can and will rest in my salvation by
grace. On our long journey north on Monday, we witnessed multiple evidences
of what a blessing that is. But that’s too long of a story for an
already-mammoth post. Check out my ministry Facebook page on Friday for that.
As I close tonight, yes I would appreciate your prayers. But
I find in my own heart the courage to pray “God, let Your will be done” rather
than demanding that I feel perfectly fine when I wake up in the morning. First
item on tomorrow’s agenda, sleep in.
Second item, go get a malaria test. For the third time in as many months. If it’s
like the other two times, the test will come back negative, but I’ll still feel
crummy for an unknown length of time. But God is still good, ALL the time.
Thursday evening update: The blood test for malaria did come back positive this time, but that was almost a relief as then the treatment is obvious. I took my second dose this evening, four more to go.
It’s a
normal Saturday for Esther in Uganda: laundry, pancakes, Institute homework,
thinking about trying to catch up on emails. The day always flies by too fast.
I went
outside to get Internet and check to see if my new laptop had arrived at its
Stateside destination for a returning staff member to bring it to Uganda early
next week. And that’s when it happened.
As I
checked Facebook, I found out about a major earthquake earlier in the day,
outside of Kathmandu, Nepal. A friend who was awakened by an early morning call
from her son to let her know he and his family were ok. A post from a
non-profit in the midst of building competitions and Stateside concerns.
And I had
just posted about being annoyed that mosquitoes were biting me because I had forgotten
to apply bug spray before going outside.
A minor
inconvenience to the trauma and tragedy hundreds of thousands of people are dealing
with right now in Nepal. The death toll, already nearing 900, will undoubtedly
rise. People, many injured, are/were scared to go back inside because
aftershocks continue rocking the buildings.
Somehow,
this time it’s sinking in further. So often, it’s easy to read about disasters
and just go about my life. But today, it hit home. As I went back inside,
thinking about how to spend the rest of my day, the incongruity and unfairness
of it all swept over me.
This
moment, there are probably people trapped in collapsed buildings, fighting for
their lives. There are thousands whose homes were destroyed, who will spend the
night outside in the cold. And I was debating what to have for dinner and whether
or not to watch a movie.
Incongruity.
It is only
by the Lord’s mercy that I am not suffering the same (Lamentations 3:22). That
I am instead enjoying innumerable comforts I still take for granted and resent
when I don’t have, even here in the bush of Uganda. Why them? Why not me? Why
suffering?
We were talking
about the sovereignty of God and the role of Satan in class last week. And then
this morning, hours before I became aware of all this, I read the part of
Romans 9 talking about how God prepares some for destruction and some for mercy
(vs. 14-29).
God could
have prevented this earthquake. He could have prevented all earthquakes, all
natural disasters. But He chooses not to – and the reason is always His plan
and His glory. Because He takes things meant for evil and turns them into good.
My brain can’t comprehend that, because for those hundreds and hundreds of
people who died it doesn’t seem like there can
be ANY good in it. But God knows. God loved and cared about every single one of
those people, each one as a unique and special creation of His.
It blows my
mind to try and think about this. Which is why God is the one in charge and not
me! And I am so thankful He is. As I sat on my bed trying to digest the discrepancy
between my “challenges” and the life-and-death situation of my fellow humanity
right now in Nepal, the tears came. How could I go on about my normal life in
the face of this disaster?
Thoughts
and ideas flitted through my mind, but the problem is so beyond anything I can
really do to affect it. Even prayer feels so small and helpless when looking at
things from the perspective of thousands wounded and/or homeless. But prayer is
the tool God has given us – and so I prayed. And I will keep on praying. Won’t
you join me?
Thankfully,
God also uses organizations and individuals to do things both small and big
which can help alleviate the hardship of some of these survivors in the coming
days and weeks. And just as it is the thought of the individuals who died which
makes this feel so overwhelming, so it is the thought of the individuals who
will be helped and sustained which brings hope and comfort.
Please pray
for Nepal. And please give to help with the relief efforts which will be taking
place. Samaritan’s Purse is one organization. I know there are others as well.
Don’t forget our fellow humanity in Nepal tomorrow, next week, even in the
coming months. They will still need your prayers and support.
On Friday afternoon, I received two pieces
of news: one that I had assumed for months was coming eventually and one that
caught me totally off guard. The latter was the conclusion of several weeks of
my choices in interactions with others. I should probably have been expecting
things to come to the point that they did. But I was being optimistic and so
wasn’t considering the potential “worst” outcome. The news left me hurting and
a bit shaken.
This week in Institute class has been all
about “Veritas,” a Bible study method. As I moved about our office block,
trying to let the news sink in and trying to adjust to the new reality thrust
upon me, a verse we had been looking at just before lunch came back to mind:
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you
were called to peace” (Col. 3:15).
“All right, God,” I prayed, “This situation
is what You have allowed to happen. And You have called me to peace. Please
teach my heart to trust You and rest in peace today, right now.” And He did! I
went about finishing my day in the office, and on my way home talked to my
mentor a bit about it all, since she’d been walking with me through the
situation the past month.
Last night, some of the young people put on
a concert. In the greeting and fellowshipping afterward, God allowed me to have
a special interaction with a friend. It gave me a glimpse of good things He is
doing through the situation, even though part of the outcome is not what I
would have chosen.
As I continued thinking about it back at my
house, I was reminded that peace is not “everything going my way” – and trust
is likewise not “God doing things my way.” Peace and trust are both choosing to
rest in God’s goodness, knowing that He loves everyone involved so much more
than I do! And that He is working out His plan, even when to my human view it
seems like things are falling apart rather than being renewed. As my mentor
reminded me, “sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.”
And God is the one directing that process in light of His sovereignty and
omniscience! That is where hope and peace and trust find their truest, deepest
roots.
This morning, I woke up earlier than I
intended to—so even after spending a chunk of time directly in God’s Word it
was too early to get ready and go to church. I thought about writing this post,
but was feeling a bit under the weather so didn’t want to yet. I ended up
deciding to pull out my Kindle version of a women’s devotional, because I
remembered I had one more chapter I hadn’t read yet.
Guess what it was about??? Yep, trusting
God. I took one look at the title (“Does God Deserve Our Trust?”) and almost
laughed. Several things in the chapter—discussing trying to put God in a box,
and God as the Potter from Romans 9, for example—have been on my mind already
the past year-plus. So many good quotes I could put in here from this chapter!
But here’s just a couple:
“The reality is that we often don’t want to
trust God until we’ve tried to fix the problem ourselves first….We really don’t
give God a second thought until something big comes up” (pg. 153).
“I believe that sometimes we are a little
cautious about trusting God because we’re afraid of what He may bring into our
lives in order to teach us something or to test us” (pg. 155).
“Does trusting God mean that everything
will work out just the way we want it to and that we’ll live happily ever
after? No, it doesn’t. That’s a God-box…..Whether you trust God with your life
does not change the fact that you still really have no control over your
circumstances” (pg. 158).
The authors (Beverly LaHaye and her
daughter Lori Scheck) went on to talk about how we must have both a proper view
of ourselves and a proper view of God if we are to grow in our trust for Him. It
was all such a good reminder, especially in light of everything this weekend!
Praise the Lord for His leading and timing :)
So there are no easy answers. I still wish,
and I am still tempted to hope, that things turn out differently in the
situation that instigated this whole post. But God is using these circumstances
that are mostly out of my control to remind me of what trust really means:
Resting in His plan, not because it is the same as mine but because He is good.
To God be the glory.
______
The quotes come from the last chapter of A Woman and Her God, edited by Beth Moore.
I’ve been reading through the Old Testament all year (not
consistently enough….I’m only in 1 Chronicles!), and one of the things I’ve
been doing as I read is taking note of the names of God that are used. For
example, one of the first times God is referred to as “Father” is in 2 Samuel 7
when He promises to be a Father to David’s son.
I love that one of God’s names for Himself is Father. It’s
one of my favorites! But I actually want to talk about a different name of God
– one that I have become increasingly grateful for over the past couple of
years: God as Haggo’el (the Redeemer, in Hebrew).
If I remember right, my journey of learning this name
started one day in the fall of 2012, as I sat out in the woods reading through
Psalm 139. I was reading it out loud, my heart echoing ‘amen’ to each truth.
But suddenly, when I got to the verse “Marvelous are Your works, and that my
soul knows very well,” (vs. 14b) I came to a full stop. I couldn’t even read
it, let alone affirm the truth of it in my own life.
It was one of those moments when I realized there are still
areas in my life where I have a hard time trusting God….a hard time believing
that His plan and what He has allowed are good. There are old hurts and regrets
I still hold onto. It was that day I began to realize that I blamed God for
those things.
I wish I had all my journals here with me so that I could go
back and look at those entries. I think it took a couple weeks for me to think
about it and process it…..but I think later in that final JBU year I was able
to go back to that verse and read it aloud, instructing my heart to believe its
truth.
Perhaps that didn’t come until after this next bit. It was
in April of 2013, as a group of us were road tripping back from an academic
conference in Wisconsin, that the above concept took on a more concrete form. I
was reading through Joel at the time, and there in the backseat of the van I
read Joel 2:25, where the LORD says “I will restore to you the years that the swarming
locust has eaten…My great army which I sent among you.” It was like a light of
spiritual understanding went on in my mind.
God had sent the locust. He had allowed—no, He had caused—a calamity to happen to His
chosen people, in this case as a judgment for their sin. But when His people
repented and turned back to Him (2:12-17), He promised to forgive them and to
redeem the loss that they had endured.
During the nearly two years since that day, the concept of
God’s work as our Redeemer has become increasingly real and special to me. Of
course, a major aspect of God’s redemptive work is His sacrificing His Son to
buy us back (to redeem us) from the grasp of the devil. But I believe we can
see from passages such as Joel 2:25 and Romans 8:28 that God’s redeeming grace
does not apply only to eternity future….it applies to our lives here and now as
well.
There have been several times in the past year and a half
when I have been filled with regrets over how the choices I have made have
impacted others or even just my own outlook on things. It was actually thinking
about one of those occasions that has brought on this blog post. As I lay there
last night, tears running down my face as I wished things had turned out
differently, it was the truth of God’s redeeming power that brought peace to my
heart.
That is not to say that God’s redemption means what I did
was right or even good. God’s work as Redeemer also rarely works on my time
schedule! But when choices have been made in the past—when I can’t go back and
undo them, as much as I wish I could—then, after I have repented before God and
men my Father asks me to trust Him. To trust that He will redeem all things for
His glory and for the good of all of His children, in His time and in His way
(see this blog post for more about that).
I may not see the full outworking of that until I stand in
His presence. If that is the case, He calls me to go forward free from guilt,
counting on Him to work all things for good. Even those things that hurt me or
others, that the devil probably laughed with glee over when they happened. BUT
GOD – He takes each thing and uses it in the refining, molding process—and in
the end, every vessel (each one of us individually) will be beautiful.
A card from one of my special ladies back home that "just happened" to arrive yesterday, and that I opened this morning after writing this post :)
I actually woke up ahead of my alarm today.
These cool, foggy mornings we have been having here in Uganda recently always
make me think of Arkansas and miss my “family” there.
On Monday, I was thinking of other things
from back in my college days….and yesterday the thoughts kept tumbling around
in my brain….so this morning I am sitting down to put “pen to paper” and break
my blogging silence.
In the past 11 months that I have been
affiliated with New Hope Uganda, the organization has gone through a lot. In my
most recent newsletter, I wrote asking people for prayers as we here seem to be
in the midst of spiritual warfare. Thank you to each one who responded back
with words of encouragement! I really appreciated those.
Yesterday, we saw off one of our staff
members. This year she has been battling cancer, and last month (two days after
we lost a son to kidney failure) she was declared cancer free! But then other
health concerns arose, and more tests revealed tumors….inoperable tumors, which
are seriously affecting her quality of life. Yesterday she returned to Nairobi
(Kenya), where she had previously received radiation, for further tests and
care.
In my personal life, the past 18 months
since graduation have rarely gone as I expected them to. Every season seems to
bring another bend in the road, sometimes sending me on a trajectory I never
expected. While I am so blessed and grateful to have the opportunity to
minister here in this community, it was honestly never in my plans to move to Africa for most of 2014.
During these past months, there have been a
myriad of frustrations and discouragements. While none of them come close to
the struggles of so many of my brothers and sisters, it has still been often
challenging to maintain a proper perspective—eyes fixed on Christ—in these
times. Over and over, I have felt His call to trust Him and surrender my life
to His plan….and maybe, just maybe I am “slowly by slowly” learning that
lesson.
On Monday, it was one of my personal minor
letdowns which got me to thinking. I was tempted to be in a complaining mood
because of something which was not going as I had hoped/wished it might. And I
just felt Paraclete speaking to my heart: “Esther, you need to trust God in
this. To trust that what is happening is the best plan for all involved.”
It took me back to something a staff member
had forwarded the Wednesday before. A week after my supervisor had fallen and
broken her arm so seriously that she returned to her home in England for
surgery, it was a day when I felt totally overwhelmed. I read this devotional
and saw the truth in it, but I still allowed my human circumstances to dictate
my feelings.
The devotional concluded:
Remember this: If any other condition had
been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put
you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you
could choose your lot, you would soon cry, "Lord, choose my heritage for
me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows." Be
content with the things you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for
your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your
shoulder and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word
and work to the glory of God. Busy self and proud impatience must be put down;
it is not for them to choose, but for the Lord of Love!1
This idea of trusting the God who works ALL
THINGS for His glory and our sanctification, our good has been a theme in my
life for quite a while. But as I sat thinking and praying through it again on
Monday, another comparison came to mind.
Twice in college I read Candide, a satirical tale written by
Voltaire, an Enlightenment thinker of the 1700s. In it, Voltaire criticizes a
view from that period that this is the “best of all possible worlds” by taking
his characters through a ridiculous amount of challenges and suffering. The
teacher in the group reiterates over and over that even in the face of
everything, this still must be the best of all possible worlds. Even though Candide is a comedy because of the
absurdity of what the characters go through, it felt so much more like a
depressing tragedy to me, because on every page there are tales of woe.
But on Monday as I thought of trusting God
in my petty little problems—and in the bigger, serious concerns facing others I
know—that is the line that came back to me. That this is the “best of all
possible worlds.” Certainly NOT because everything that happens is perfect! Far
from it…there is much hurt and tragedy and brokenness in this world.
This is the best of all possible worlds,
however, because of the HOPE that I and my fellow believers have! We serve a
God who is an incarnational Redeemer—through Christ, He came down to us in our
mess, and He won the victory!!!!!!!!!
And because He rose from the dead, defeating Satan, death, and sin, we
can KNOW that He is able to work everything for good. Even the worst situation
I can imagine He can take that and turn it for His glory.
Of course, this doesn’t make life easy.
Yesterday, as we saw our sister off to Kenya there were tears in many hearts.
We prayed and are praying for a miracle. Last month, as we laid our son to
rest, there were sobs from his family and those close to him. We continue praying
for his widowed mother and his young siblings, who have lost one who could have
helped provide for them if he were still here. But through it all, we can
choose to stake our confidence in our Redeeming, Victorious Father. And we can
thank Him for everything that comes to pass in this, the best of all possible
worlds.
1 Taken from Morning and
Evening by C.H. Spurgeon, revised and updated by Alistair Begg.
{In case you haven’t heard, last month I officially accepted
an offer from New Hope Uganda to come serve in the role of assistant
sponsorship coordinator at Kasana, Uganda. I plan to return the second week of
September. Like other foreign staff, I am responsible for providing my own
support.}
A couple weeks ago, after I had sent out a letter to my Uganda
updates mailing list about my upcoming return plans, I got a call from a friend
& trusted adviser. We chatted for a while, and then she asked me about how
God has called me to this particular opportunity, and how He has confirmed that
calling.
I didn’t really know what to tell her.
I had waited an entire month from the day I had been offered
the position to respond “yes!” even though I knew I wanted to say yes from the
moment, sitting in my hut, when I was invited back. I waited, saying I would
pray about it. Wanting to be sure. Hoping for a sign.
But if I’m being honest with myself and you, I didn’t really
spend dedicated time praying about it, and I hesitated because of fear and
distrust. If this is really what God wants me to do, then He’ll make it obvious
and plain, right?
The Sunday morning before I responded back to New Hope, as I
sat in church, I felt God saying that the choice was up to me. He had set
before me an open door, what more did I want? Last fall I had three doors I
wanted to go through, and all three ended up closing. Now I wanted to return to
Uganda, and God had used His people to open that door. It was my choice to walk
through it. I sent my acceptance email.
A couple days after having said “yes!” I found myself second
guessing. Thinking about other times over the years when I have set my hand at
something, only to have it fall through or not turn out as I wished. And I felt
God calling me again to trust Him—even if for some reason I didn’t end up back
in Uganda, as I expected to. Rejecting the rising fear, I prayed to Him—choosing
to trust whatever He had planned.
After my friend’s inquiry a few days later, I pondered how I
would answer the question. I knew I had fallen in love with Uganda and the
people I met at Kasana during the first five months of the year. I knew I yearned
to go back and be reunited with these friends, to continue growing in
relationship with them. But what calling did I have from God?
As I drove around Dallas, running errands, I asked Him—if He
wouldn’t mind—for confirmation of what I instinctively felt…of what felt like
the obvious “yes” answer to the opportunity.
Waiting at a Half Price Books moments later for a quote on
some textbooks I was trying to sell, I perused the newly-discovered clearance
section. Looking on the “nature” shelf, my eye fell on a thin booklet. Curious,
I pulled it out and read the title: “Black Eagle.” Flipping it open, I saw a
map of the western coast of Africa: Ghana and the surrounding countries. A
glance at the first page showed that whoever had shelved this book hadn’t paid
much attention—it appeared at first glance to be a book of African
parables/legends.
Turning forward from the back of the booklet, I read a
passage that nearly gave me goose bumps:
“Consider going to Ghana as a missionary when you have
completed your education. Ask God to guide you in making your decisions about
your future….the American young person considers his own life and God’s will
for him…”
It may seem a small thing, especially considering that my
plans are toward Uganda, not Ghana. But deep in my heart, I knew. It wasn’t an
accident that I had come across the clearance section after using the restroom.
It wasn’t an accident that this booklet about the history of Christian missions
in Ghana was mistakenly shelved with the books about birds. It wasn’t an
accident that it caught my eye, that I turned to that particular page. It was the
confirmation God sent in His grace and mercy for even my questioning heart.
And as I have thought about it all in the days since, I can
see so many other pointers…so many other heart nudges by which God has led me
to this point, even when I didn’t plan for this path a year ago.
Reading Kisses from
Katie in January 2012 – as I wrote in my diary, reading the book about this
young lady who moved to Uganda to volunteer made me “want to jump on the next
plane to some underprivileged place & start pouring my life into those
kids.”
Listening to missionaries from Africa share at my church
during my last semester of college – finding my heart strangely stirred and
even being brought to tears at the thought.
God shutting the doors I wanted open last summer and early
fall – I was so very frustrated, but I felt Him asking me to give up my hunger
to get a “good job” and live for the American version of “success.”
God opening the door I wouldn’t have seen: to go to Uganda
for five months in a short-term volunteer capacity.
Getting to meet so many wonderful, encouraging people. God
placing them—and the Ugandan kids in the Worcester family—into such a special
part of my heart.
Support from friends back home – and people telling
me that somehow, by God’s grace, what I write from there speaks to them too.
Just a couple days ago, getting an email from a friend I
met at Kasana, offering encouragement in my choice to go back.
There have been other moments as well. And though my life
the past year has so often felt like a roller coaster, with unexpected twists
and turns…I know that God is the one leading and guiding. And so I seek to take
one step at a time on this path He has given me, that all the glory may go to
Him.
{If you would like to receive more information about my
upcoming work with New Hope Uganda, or if you felt led to join me as a prayer
or financial partner, please contact me! If you do not have my email address or
phone number, you can leave a comment here or Facebook message me.}
{See also this Facebook note about how God has led me to missions}
In the past week/month, God has used a variety of things to
call me out on something which has been an issue in my life for the past several
years: Where am I looking for support & fulfillment & satisfaction?
Of course, I know what the answer ought to be – I should be
looking to God for those things. But the reality is that over the last
weeks/months/even a couple of years, I have been looking to the people around
me. Back in high school, I was looking to myself—building walls keeping others out. Neither of these two personal realities is good on their own. I
cannot satisfy myself, and other people cannot either. Only God can.
But that requires trusting Him, even when we
know that His plans may take us through tough times. I don’t quite know how to
articulate this….but in the past couple years my relational life has done a
pendulum swing. I started in high school with not letting anyone in….in the
middle of college I was maybe closer to a balanced center of finding love and
satisfaction in the grace of God….and in the past year the pendulum swung to
leaning too heavily on people around me.
Part of the latter is a symptom of the sinful distrust in
God which has tried to sprout in my heart as things have not gone as I thought they should since
graduation. It’s been a crazy year, full of roller coaster ups and downs. And
especially in the months here in Uganda, I’ve been looking to individual people
to fulfill my needs rather than truly finding my strength in God alone.
As I said in the first paragraph, God’s been giving me a
wakeup call on that. He’s opened my eyes to better see the consequences of me
seeking satisfaction primarily from other people. And writing this post isn’t
to say I have it perfectly figured out. But I hope that in the coming weeks I
will be less needy/demanding and more intentionally caring/loving toward those
around me.
Early last month, I read the first chapter of a women’s
devotional book[1]
that I had “just happened” to find and download for my Kindle app. And it
contained a message I greatly needed to hear…but even in the weeks between then
and now I have been a very very slow learner in practicing what it taught/reminded
me.
In that chapter, Beth Moore tells her readers that she has
discovered “what makes life work.” Taking verses from Deuteronomy 7, Colossians
3, and Psalm 63, she challenges us to think about if we have truly taken God as
our God, if He is truly our refuge and strength. We should yearn to have
relationship and intimacy with Him, not out of a discipline or “have to”
attitude, but because we hunger for Him.
“God made our souls to long for Him, and we are not fully
satisfied without His presence in our lives,” she writes. She goes on to say
that just because we have received salvation through Christ does not guarantee
that we are choosing to receive our fulfillment from Him. We can be saved and
yet still trying to “do life” by our own power.
She continues, “We are not satisfied by simply accepting
salvation and then ascending to heaven when the time comes. Instead, God wants
us to have a relationship with Him during our lifetime.” This is certainly
something that I have struggled with, because (especially in high school) I
often wished I could just escape this life and be done with it all. I just
wanted to be home free, in God’s presence. But I’m not. I’m still here.
Rereading this chapter yesterday (when I wrote this) I was again convicted about how
much I have tried the two “alternatives” she talks about: “subsistence living”
(begging others to fill the vacuum only Christ was meant to fill) and
“substitute living” (turning to idols rather than to Christ). Neither of which truly satisfies.
Her application is that we must daily make the choice to very intentionally seek the
fulfillment of our needs from God, especially partaking of the food He has
given us (His Word) and seeking to have that abide in us. It’s only then that
we can be solid and secure, whether people are loving and helpful (which is
still nice!) or whether people let us down (which they sometimes/often will, because they are
human).
Beth Moore concludes that God’s love is totally unconditional and perfect, and
it is better than life (Ps. 63:3). God loved us so much that He sent His Son to
die for us – and that’s why we know that He can be trusted to supply our daily
needs. All we need to do is ask!
The weekend before I read this chapter, I had come across
this blog post about hungering for God. As I read this
young woman’s raw writing, I felt my own heart convicted…and so I began to pray a
similar prayer. But in the weeks since then, as God
has allowed a variety of circumstances which have tested my response, over and
over I have thrown self-pity parties or gone running to people rather than
turning to Him. And that is a sin against Him (and others) which I have had to
confess this week.
And even though this week has been another hard week,
following up on weeks and months of challenges, changes, uncertainties….this
time He got my priorities a little straighter. I went to God first. Did it
still hurt/cause confusion? For sure. Did I still cry while talking to my mom on
the phone about stuff? Oh yeah, I did. Is it still a battle not to be consumed
with questioning “why???” or “what if?” and trying to figure out how to make
things work my way? Yes, it definitely is.
But I was also able to come to a place—at least for one moment the other morning—where I submitted myself in prayer to whatever God has. And where I found peace in Him. And I pray that I can continue to abide in the Truth and security I found in that moment, no matter how the storms may rage. Because He is the only valid source of true satisfaction.
Since I know that God
is good, will I be willing to trust Him to do what is best—first for His glory,
but also for myself and each of His children?
That question has been developing in the background of my
mind a LOT over the past year. And in the past nine months—full of ups and
downs and unexpected turns—a lot of my times of tears and frustration (and
there have been many….) have resulted
from the answer to this very important question being “no” in my practical, daily
life/thoughts/attitude.
If you want all the background and the long explanation that
demonstrates my “context” strength,[1]
I was halfway done writing it before I remembered that looking back and being
stuck in the past can also be part of my problem. This blog started with Philippians 3….and part of that is “forgetting those things which are
behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the
goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (vs. 13b-14). At
the same time, God does tell His people over and over to “Remember” what He has
done. I’m just not always good at maintaining a balance there.
Enough about me. In this case (or at least for this post),
I’m going to work harder to error on the side of leaving the past behind and
just talk about the Truth and the present. But mentions of the past will creep
in, and I may post the “full” backstory another day.
A couple Saturdays ago, I was blessed with a beautiful time
of meditating on God’s Word and fellowshipping with/worshipping Him. We needed
to have a long talk, so I headed out to the Enterprise farm and stayed there
for a couple hours. During that time, He brought together ideas from a year ago
and ideas from the past couple months, and it’s like someone had fit a bunch of
tiny puzzle pieces together and then zoomed out to show a more complete picture
as a result. And today God brought me back to that picture again.
I struggle with demanding “why??” of God. Over the past
year, He has been in the process of calling me out on that and instructing me
to trust Him. And He has been bringing healing to some old, deep wounds that I
had tried to stuff and ignore for a long, long time.
To quote from my journal entry that Saturday morning, even
though mistakes and bad things will happen in life, “God will use and redeem all situations (past, present, and
future) for the Ultimate Good: His Glory.
We are called to walk in humility in
light of that truth (Micah 6:8 and the labyrinth walk almost exactly a year ago), and we do NOT have the right to demand “WHY?” in a
self-centered way.”
My mind flew to the verse about “does the clay have the
right to ask of the potter, ‘why have you made me like this?’” That’s the
Esther paraphrase, so it took a little searching to find it….but thankfully I
did, in Romans 9:20-21:
“But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will
the thing formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why have you made me like this?’
Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one
vessel for honor and another for dishonor?”
My journaling continued: “That’s the key. And suddenly so very many pieces from the past
months and years fall into place. Yes, that truth is very Calvinistic. But it
is true, and in the end it’s what
brings peace to my stirred-up heart….And it is in the Ultimate Truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty that I can
REJOICE,” referring to Philippians 4:4 which “just happened” to be printed on
that page of my journal.
Yesterday morning before church I had already felt that like
writing this post. And then in church, we sang this song that says, in part, “We love You Lord, we worship You / You are our God, You
alone are good.” That brought together so perfectly my Enterprise farm time and
my island reflections that I couldn’t not write about it.
Because it’s certainly not a mistake that those
passages—“all things work together for good,” we are predestined to be
“conformed to the image of His Son,” and “O man, who are you…?”—are in such
close proximity (Romans 8:28-29, 9:20-21). Paul recognized that this was a hard
thing! In fact, his topic in Romans 9 (Israel’s rejection of God) brought him
“great sorrow and continual grief in [his] heart” (9:2). He was probably
preaching to himself just as much as to his audience when he wrote about the
potter having power over the clay.
He longed and yearned with all his being for his brethren
and fellow countrymen to recognize the truth he wrote of in 8:37-39 – that
nothing can separate us from the love of God. In 1 Corinthians 9:19-27, which
was preached on yesterday, he talks about the lengths to which he was willing
to go for just such a purpose. {I confess that my life is deeply lacking of a
similar concern.}
So knowing the truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty does
NOT mean that suddenly I am happy-go-lucky and without a care in the world. It
also does NOT mean that my freewill decisions and actions are without effects/consequences.
Another part of the song above references this too:
You asked Your Son to carry this,
The heavy cross, our weight of sin.
I love You Lord, I worship You;
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.
I give my life to honor this:
The love of Christ, the Savior King.
My brain is kind of going in circles (that’s what happens
when I don’t plan these out before writing)…because that takes us right back to
Romans 8:37-39, which is why we can claim to be “more than conquerors through Him who loved us,” not through
our own striving, effort, or strength.
The past couple weeks, as it has felt like I have made a
huge mess of things, this is the only thing I know I can hold onto—that even
when I have acted in my own self-interest….or that even when trying my hardest
to do what is right and best has seemed to back fire instead—that even there in
the midst of my mess Christ is standing before God, who still sits on the
throne. And God sees in me Christ’s righteousness. And it is all undeserved
grace and forgiveness. And it is beautiful.
Do I wish I had made different decisions so that there would
be different results now? For sure. If I could rewind the clock and redo
things, I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t. What I am given charge of is the
present, going forward from this moment.
And in so many ways it’s depressing to know that tomorrow or the next day….or
even right now or later tonight….I will make mistakes again.
And I definitely do not want to be flippant and say “Who
cares if we sin! There’s grace!” (Romans 6:1, Esther paraphrase). But I do tend
to “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” and get stuck in guilt. Some second cousins
of mine taught me a great old-style song that combats the former so well. Give
it a listen here!
At the same time, I do need to be careful in what I say and
do, and I must rely on the Holy Spirit’s strength and wisdom and not my own….
So much harder to do in the moment than it is to say and know and believe. But,
by the grace of God, we “press on,” trusting the One who began the good work
and promises to complete it (Philippians 3:12, 1:6). And amazingly, He promises
to use all things for His glory and the good of each of His children—in His eternal economy.
That is where my faith and confidence and trust are to rest,
even if (when) the results do not look like I wish they did in this life. No
matter what, God is good all the time.
[1]
According to my results this summer from the Gallup “StrengthsQuest” inventory,
this is my #1 strength. The poll’s “Quick Reference Card” describes it as follows: “People especially talented in the Context theme enjoy
thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.”
God is good. I am so very grateful that such a simple and
yet also profound statement is true, and that it never changes. In the past
year or so, there have been many times things haven’t gone as I would like them
to. I must admit, I often tend to complain in those times. But God has been
ever so consistently (and patiently) pointing me back to the fact that He is
good, no matter what.
God is also the same, wherever I am and whatever I am doing.
Because He is so much BIGGER than anything in my microscopic blip of a life on
the radar of eternity. And yet, at the same time, He cares. He sees our hearts,
and He feels our times of joy and our times of pain. Wonder of wonders, He
offers us a relationship with Him, and makes His power available to us. We can
worship Him in every choice and action, anywhere in the world.
I thought about that last bit this past weekend. The
Institute here in Uganda had the 14th and 17th off classes, so
several people went on mini vacations for the four-day break. I joined a
young couple in traveling to an island out in Lake Victoria, which was a huge
blessing! As I sat on the shore of the lake or under a tree higher up on the
island, I was able to once again come back to “base camp,” so to speak – to
reorient myself again to what matters most.
God blessed me with a beautiful time of meditating on His
Word and being able to worship Him, away from some of the routine of daily life
that can so often distract me from focusing as fully on Him. And as I did, I
was reminded of similar blessed times in Arkansas, N. Ireland, North Carolina,
and even Dallas (it’s harder in the big city though…). It struck me more fully
that no matter where I am, God is the same and He is just as present with and
in me. That is simply amazing for my human mind to comprehend!
Because God is a good God, He is committed to bringing glory
to Himself. In the past weeks, I have been reminded that one way He does this
is by working in the lives of His children to conform them to His image (Romans
8:29). Because He is all-powerful, He can do just that. What’s more, He works
in every situation so that—on an eternal scale—all things work together for the
good of each one who loves God (Romans 8:28). Even in situations which do not
seem ideal, He brings redemption and benefit.
I am so thankful for these truths, even though I so often
lose focus and need to be reminded of them once again. God continues to point
me back to Himself; and even if that is the only thing which I gain from what I
am experiencing, it is worth it because He receives the glory and praise He
deserves.
So what does true success look like? As a Christian, what is
the goal at which I should be aiming? Most importantly, how does GOD define
success?
The past two weeks, the teaching elder at my church has been
especially “meddlesome” with his sermons. In a really really good way—it’s just
convicting rather than comfortable! (As it should be J) He is doing a topical series
in Proverbs, and the past two weeks have been about humility. Last week he
looked at how God defines pride and humility, while this week focused on the
application of humility in the Christian’s life—both towards God and towards
our fellow men. Good, but hard, stuff!
One of the things he emphasized this Sunday was that
Christ’s humility is to be our model—that is what God calls us to (see
Philippians 2 if you need a refresher on what that looks like). To paraphrase a
small section of his straight shooting sermon: The path Jesus paved for us
means that the cross comes before the crown. In our culture, people are always
racing to the top—trying to control things in their lives and trying to avoid
pain. In Christianity, it should be a race to the bottom. God leaves us on
earth, after He saves us, to suffer for the sake of Christ. He was despised by
men and suffered grievous injustice – it is only sinful pride which makes us
think we deserve better than that. We are called to have an audience of ONE –
protecting my own reputation is not to be my goal or concern.
His last sentence there ties into something I had already
been thinking about in the past week or two. As this topic of success—in
culture’s eyes vs. what God calls us to—had been ruminating in my brain, I
couldn’t help but think of Os Guinness’ book “Rising to the Call.” I first read
it four years ago in Honors Orientation, one of my favorite college classes,
and reviewed it twice more mentoring for the class. Having an audience of One
(God) is one of the things which Guinness discusses.
Another of his points which is especially relevant in this
discussion comes when he makes a distinction between the primary and secondary
calling of a Christian. “Our primary calling as followers of Christ is by Him,
to Him, and for Him,” Guinness said (pg. 24). In other words, calling becomes a
question of WHO I am called TO, not WHAT I am called to DO.
Even Guinness’ description of secondary calling does not
exactly paint a picture of success which lines up with what I talked about in
my previous post. Instead, Guinness wrote that “Our secondary calling,
considering who God is as sovereign, is that everyone, everywhere, and in
everything should think, speak, live, and act entirely for Him” (pg. 25).
Guinness’ definition of calling, and thus of what to aim for in our quest for
success, is entirely God-centered rather than self-focused.
Guinness ends his book with this quote from his last
paragraph: “Answering the call of Jesus is the greatest adventure, the deepest
romance, and the most fascinating journey of our lives….In giving up everything
for this one way, you will find yourself fulfilled in every way—until one day
when the ‘last call’ will sound and you will see the Caller face to face…” (pg.
99).
But stepping out on that journey feels a whole lot scarier
than the “safety” of pursuing a more typical American dream. Because it
requires sacrificing a lot more that I would so much rather cling to. I should
include the fact that Guinness is quick to point out this does not close off
any field of work. It does not mean that every Christian must drop what they
are doing and go translate the Bible. That is not what Guinness is saying at
all.
If God’s calling leads me to a job where I am writing, I am
to write in such a way that will bring glory to God rather than glorifying
self. Over the past several weeks, though, I have been sensing His leading in a
completely different direction. A direction asking me to lay down more of my
wants and myself—a direction requiring absolute faith in God to continue
guiding and providing. I don’t know yet exactly what that looks like. It
remains to be seen how God will work. And in some ways, that is scary to me.
I’m not in control. I don’t know what my life will look like
from one year to the next. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing (although I
must confess that my flesh certainly wishes it were otherwise) because lacking
that certainty forces me to be more in tune with God’s calling in my life.
Success is not really about what I do in an earthly sense. Success is knowing
God (John 17:3). Success is being conformed to the image of His Son (Rom.
8:29). Success is pressing on toward the upward call of Christ Jesus my Lord
(Phil. 3:12-14). Success is being available for His service (Is. 6:8, Luke
1:38). Success is joining the long line of His humble servants (Luke 17:10) who
serve for His glory and not their own.
A week ago, I was in Siloam Springs visiting my college
friends for a long weekend. I decided to go ahead and go to the Gathering,
although I ended up coming in a little late. I “just happened” to find an empty
seat right in front of Laura, one of my dearest JBU friends. God knew I needed
to be there, and He made sure she was right there.
The student speaker talked about serving God, as a kick-off
message for the JBU service groups. And honestly, it made me really frustrated.
Not because of what he was saying, but because of what I was feeling.
Back in July and August, I felt like God was leading me
toward something that was much much bigger than me. I had an idea of how I was
going to serve God, and I really wanted it to work out in my timing. I knew it
would be hard – really hard in many ways. But I also knew that if God opened
those doors, He would provide the resources and the strength for me to carry it
out.
I thought I was willing to make that sacrifice, to take that
step of faith. Instead, the door closed—at least for now—just as the door to
applying for the job I had been filling during my internship opened up. That was
a huge process in and of itself! But by the time I sat in chapel last Sunday,
it seemed obvious that God was leading me toward SP and not toward the other
opportunity. Which is why the chapel talk annoyed me. Here I had been willing
to put myself through a lot to go and serve God. And He had shut the door! What
was up with that? We’re supposed to serve God and all that, so why did He close
it down??
Yes, that feeling really is as immature and selfish as it sounds.
I think part of it is that I wanted to serve God on my terms, in a way that
would draw attention and praise to myself. I wasn’t consciously thinking that….but
it probably played a subliminal role.
God had been clear though – that chance was a definite “not
now.” So I had applied and interviewed for the job before I left my internship,
two weeks before my visit to JBU. And in my mind, it was obvious what ought to
happen next. God had clearly led me to the internship, and He had finally
brought me to a place where I felt good about staying on there and looked
forward to returning to the roots I had started putting down for the past two
months.
When the speaker finished, the band came up and played “Oceans”
by Hillsong. I had never heard the song before, but man it sure hit me right
between the eyes. As I’ve said before, for quite a while God has been teaching
me about trusting Him and surrendering my plans to His. And this song really
summed it up. And I didn’t know whether or not I could sing it. I knew in the
back of my head that I may or may not actually get the job from SP. And here
God was, asking me to surrender my plans and expectations to Him, to come to a
place “where my trust is without borders.” I didn’t want to say it, because I
didn’t want to mean it.
I like knowing what’s going on and what I’m doing. I don’t
like change, I despise the unknown. I want to be in control of my own future,
partly as a defense mechanism from 10-year old baggage that I know is not
healthy and that I’m trying to let go of. And this summer, God has been working
in mighty ways to show me that I cling so hard to the control because I don’t
trust Him to take care of me and protect me. I don’t trust Him to have my best
at heart because of how He’s let things hurt me before. And that’s hard for me
to admit out loud.
So I sat there as most everyone else stood and sang. I sat
and I wrestled and I cried. Because I was not willing to give up my {albeit false}
sense of control. I didn’t want to go “wherever You call me” – I wanted to go
back to SP where I had finally become comfortable after two long, hard months.
But He kept asking—gently and yet insistently—for me to lay
it down. And I was scared. Scared that if I did, He would just slam the SP door
shut in my face too. But deeper down inside, I knew that His plan would be
better—even if it wouldn’t be to my ideal liking.
As I wrestled, my mind flashed back to the previous night. I
had gone to the Swing Dance Society’s first swing dance evening of the semester.
I don’t really know how to dance – I don’t think of myself as a very
well-coordinated dancer. But the several guys who had asked me to dance with
them had all been patient teachers. They put me through the paces pretty quick,
trying to teach me several of the basic moves. And I had to trust them. I didn’t
know what I was doing, or where I was going when they initiated a step. I just
had to pay close attention to their explanations and/or the signals they made
by gently tugging on one arm or the other. A lot of times, I made mistakes.
Many times, I also made assumptions about what their next moves were going to
be, and sometimes that got me in trouble.
As those thoughts flashed through my mind, I could see the
relation between the two—trying to learn swing dance and deciding to trust
Christ’s plan for my life. Pardon the analogy, but it’s as though God was
holding out His hand, asking me if I would like to dance. Would I trust Him
enough to place my hands in His and listen to His leading and guiding? Or would
I jump to conclusions and try to do things my way, which typically ends up in
me being at the wrong place in the step?
In the end, I had to give in. God thankfully has a tight
enough hold on my heart that I could not truly refuse His request, even though
my fleshly desires didn’t want to let go of my supposed control. The second
song we sang was “Rise,” also by Hillsong. It focuses on praising God. I didn’t
want to stand up and sing that song either. I wanted to stay “stuck” in a place
of pitying myself for what I had to lay down.
And that too was very selfish. Who do I think I am??? Even
Jesus had to submit His desires to God. And even He didn’t think it was an easy
or flippant thing (see the Garden of Gethsemane!). But even He—God’s own Son—humbled
Himself and submitted to one of the hardest and cruelest forms of death man has
ever created (see Phil. 2). And we’re right back to the same perspective thing
I was talking about in my previous post.
It’s God’s glory that matters. And thanks be to His grace
and patience – He’s not going to give up on me until He has stripped me down of
my selfish ambitions and pride. And no, it’s not a fun process. But He is worth
so very much more. And in the good moments, I can remember what truly matters.
And it’s not what I’m going to be doing at any point in the future.
Laura was wonderful and sat with me for a while afterward –
we talked about letting go of the past. She came up with several good analogies
that helped explain how I was feeling J
She’s the best J
And you know what? I was right. God did end up shutting the
SP door too. I got the call Thursday that they picked someone else. Last Sunday
night helped me be prepared for that, but it’s still been hard. Friday
especially I was really frustrated with God for not coming through on this and
doing things my way. There were definitely lots of tears and some internal
yelling going on. And I don’t confess that lightly. I forget His lessons soooo
easily……
But He is still faithful, and His plan remains unchanged—His
plan to bring Himself glory and to conform me to the image of His Son. To the
praise of His glorious name.
