This song has been stuck re-echoing through my head the past several days, ever since I heard Brandon & Maverick City Music perform it live last Saturday at Life Surge (a "pep rally for Christians" as my mom termed it :)).
To be honest, it's been a challenging month for me.
In my previous post, I talked about the positive anniversary of Jan. 25th, 2011. What I left out mentioning was the negative 4th anniversary of Jan. 24, 2018 the day before. Between that date of my mental breakdown and my departure from Uganda on April 4, I was ..... in limbo I guess. I rarely consciously choose to think about those weeks, because they are still painful memories. But this post is not about that.
As I was saying, it's been a challenging month. BUT GOD. He continues to work, even in the midst of my brokenness, weakness, and failings. And this song has been calling me to shift my perspective from everything that is wrong to the MANY things I can praise God for.
"So I'll throw up my hands and praise You again and again."
Here's the beginnings of a list ... because I need to reinstitute this practice in my life!
Father God's constant love and grace toward me.
Our Savior's faithfulness, that He is gentle and lowly and understands us in our weakness from His 33-ish years of experience with temptation.
Paraclete, using Scripture passages and songs like this to woo back my heart.
Tom's excellent sermon on Sunday at CBC, talking about how the indwelling of Paraclete is the guarantee of our inheritance, the assurance of our salvation.
Life Surge was a really neat event - I had the opportunity to hear Nick Vujicic, Willie Robertson, Priscilla Shirer and other speakers in person. I am definitely glad I went!
I'm *immensely* grateful for my friends, my coworkers, my mentors, my counselor, my doctor, etc! They both support me in spite of my shortcomings, but also call me not to stay in that place. They shoot straight, not coddling me when what I need is a wakeup call.
This week, two negative things happened to my car, and my "Dallas grandpa" had to do a repair of an older fender bender in order for my car to hopefully pass inspection. But I'm grateful to one of the deacons from my church for helping me replace a flat tire Monday night, and to the said adoptive grandpa for working on my car for me yesterday.
On the same note, I'm thankful that the lady whose car I slid into this morning on the way to work is fine and that her car is too. Praying that once she sees that, she won't file anything with my insurance!
I appreciate the book we've been reading for our CBC Young Adults' Group, Gentle and Lowly which I "just happened" to read this morning before heading to work - and which is helping inform the second bullet point.
I'm grateful for my newest coworker, who is also a huge encourager and a great hugger!
Praising God for good sleep recently, that is certainly a blessing!!
As much as I gripe about my weight loss program internally, I'm thankful for the progress being made in that area.
That even when we are under spiritual attack, we can fight from a place of victory ALREADY won!!
For a fun time talking with my "sister" Sarah about her well-written book that she is sharing with me.
I could/should think of many many more things .... but for tonight I think that's enough of a starter :)
The Church is NOT a good works club, it IS a fellowship of grace! It’s NOT about what we do—period!
All we have to do is to receive, openly & vulnerably; to be loved by Jesus. Works-based
Christianity does NOT create sustainable faith!
The above paraphrase was the key point of the sermon I heard
this morning—a sermon so good I sat through it twice! (I’m attending church
with my hostess for the next several months, at Oak Hills Presbyterian Church
here on the outskirts of Portland.)
Currently, the church is going through a sermon series on
Acts, and this morning’s passage was about 4:32-5:11—the story of the early
Church’s lifestyle of radical giving and the death of Ananias and Saphira.
Jeremy (the pastor here) made the case that, at root, this passage is not
really about money or giving. It’s about a deeper lifestyle choice: Pretense or
Vulnerability.
The generous people, including Barnabas, showed their
vulnerability by giving up their earthly security for the sake of others –
demonstrating that the resurrection of Christ (4:33) had set them free from the
self-protective hoarding of resources. The beneficiaries of this generosity
also had to practice vulnerability, admitting to their church family that they
were facing needs that they couldn’t meet on their own.
The power of Christ created a culture of radical openness
and vulnerability for those who found their identity in HIM, rather than in
trying to project a false image of themselves to others. Ananias and Saphira,
however, made a show of spiritual heroism that was a lie – and for that they were severely punished….by death!
Jeremy talked about the word hypocrite, which comes from the Greek word for actor. In Greek
culture, stage actors would wear masks to show their emotions—happy for a
joyful scene, sad for a tragic scene, etc. With the masks, they projected what
the scene required, while hiding what was really going on underneath.
He concluded his sermon, “the only way to receive grace is
by being open and broken, trusting in
God’s grace and being real with one another.”
This sermon really struck a chord with me where I am at
spiritually right now. I have so very much to be thankful for, so very much to
praise God for. But this year, and the past several years before, have each been
the successively hardest year of my life. And so I want to share more about
that here than I have so far. Not to illicit pity. Definitely not to brag on
myself (quite the contrary!). But to testify of God’s Grace.
God has brought the above song to my mind multiple times in
the past few months. This is who I want to be. Real and raw, yes, but for the purpose of allowing God to shine His Glory through my brokenness.
As those close to me know, most of this year has been an
intense spiritual battle for me. In January I returned to my second home in
Uganda, excited for another term…though also with reservations. Before I could
even get back into my job at the office, I was hit simultaneously with insomnia,
depression, and worse.
For the next six plus months, many days it was a struggle
just to get out of bed. It felt like I was constantly fighting a losing battle
with hopelessness. After two months with little maintainable progress, I
resigned from my position in Uganda, said goodbye to the people who had become
my family there, and returned home to Dallas. I’ve become ok over these past
months with naming depression as one of my struggles. There were also other
struggles I’m still not comfortable naming this publicly.....shame can be a
strong enemy. [No physical or emotional harm was maliciously done to me.]
Suffice it to say, the fact that I am currently walking in
relationship with God is in itself a testimony to God’s abundant Grace, lavish
Love, and constant Pursuit towards me. He did this using so many amazing people
both in Uganda, Dallas, and other places who didn’t give up on me…who kept
loving me, praying for me, speaking truth to me, and fighting (spiritually) on
my behalf. If I started naming names I couldn’t quit…so I won’t start, except
to say that my parents are at the top of the list. :)
The fact that a month and a half ago I moved half way across
the country, to a place where I personally knew no one; that I am now in an
intense program of learning and serving, and that I am {mostly**} flourishing
here—that is an unimaginable miracle of Christ’s mercy and transforming power.
When people hear about my life since graduation from college
in May of 2013—most of that time spent rooted in the red soil of East Africa—they
can quickly and easily tend to put me on a pedestal. I’m here to tell you
today, I am NO super hero. I am not applying that title to myself—one well-meaning
person has told me that missionaries, me inclusive, are. On the contrary, I am
just as flawed and broken as anyone else….if not more so (in the spirit of Paul,
expressed in 1 Tim. 1:15). Any good that has come of my life is all God’s Grace.
Yesterday morning, I spent more than three hours journaling…processing…praying…grieving.
My Good Shepherd has led me on a road that has been full of both the very good and the very hard in these past five years, since I first
knocked on the door labelled “Uganda.” But He has been with me every single
step of the way, both on the sunny mountaintops and in the darkest of valleys.
This year’s breakdown didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s seeds
were sown from my personality and character flaws…from circumstances and
situations which affected me…from my failure to name what I needed and ask for
help (at least not until it was too late, humanly speaking)…from organizational
and personnel challenges. The pressure really started building in August of
2016…so it was a long time coming.
So that’s my practice at being open and vulnerable. And
maybe very few people will take the time to read this. But I process best by
writing, and so hopefully composing this blog post will better free my tongue
in personal dialogue. Please feel free to ask me questions. Christ’s healing of
my heart is finally bringing me to a place of being more willing to speak of
these things. But these previous paragraphs are not the whole story.
Here is the “My Story” version:
Hope that wouldn't
let go: My Savior never lost a grip on the wheel of my life, even when it
looked to me like it was chaotically spinning out of control. And HE has restored
my hope in Him, in His time and way.
Love that never gave
up: These past three weeks, my Lover has been calling my heart to be willing
to receive from Him and from others. Not that I should try to earn or deserve
anything, simply to receive…and THEN to give.
Life, but it wasn't
mine: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were
bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which
are God’s” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
The grace that is
greater than all my sin: If I spoke of God’s Grace—in loving me and
redeeming me from sin—for every hour of the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have
time to tell it all.
When justice was
served: But not to me; to the perfect, sinless Son of God. There are times I
want to call “FOUL!” on my life, times I say I wish there had been justice in a
given situation. But that’s only because I fail to remember what true justice
really demands.
Where mercy wins: Every
single day, every breath of my life, is as a result of the mercy of Christ.
The kindness of Jesus
that draws me in: The opposite of what I in myself deserve…but He showers
His kindness instead.
Victory over the
enemy: The victory has already been won!! It’s not my battle to fight—it’s
a gift the Christ already waged the war for, that I am simply to allow HIM to
apply to and live out in my life.
Freedom that was won
for me: Freedom from fear. Freedom from failure. Freedom to be known and to
know. To be loved and to love. To be served and to serve. Freedom as a gift
from Him, applied by Him, in and through this weak vessel.
Life overcome the
grave: Our Savior is RISEN!!! And that resurrection power is at work in each
and every one of His children!
This is my story,
this is my song,
Praising my Savior
all the day long.
One more thing that is finally getting through my thick skull:
There WILL be more challenges in my future. More twists & turns in the
road. More apparently deep, dark valleys. Maybe even tomorrow. But, Lord help
me, when those times come I want to turn more quickly to Your Truth. To root my
confidence deeply in You, not in my comfort or things going my way. To say with
Mary, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to Your
word” (Luke 1:38).
Please join me in praying that for me and, if you dare,
maybe for yourself as well.
**Three weeks ago, I heard I had to leave my initial/temporary
housing by the end of September. And that I couldn’t move into the house down
the street—that I was sure was ideal—because
of a logistical detail. My emotions and insecurities proceeded to throw an internal
hissy fit. A night of zero sleep followed, and for several days the fear and
despair and hopelessness came rolling back over me.
I’m so thankful to our team leaders and my team mates for
supporting me through that. And I can now say I’m thankful it happened, because
God used it as a catalyst to push me out of the comfortable coasting (from two
months of almost all great days) and back onto the road of proactive,
intentional healing. Also, in a stroke of divine irony, the new home I moved
to, where I initially didn’t want to be, has been an amazing fit and a real
gift. So I was fighting God, when of course He knew better all along!!
Happy Resurrection Sunday to all my brothers and sisters! :-)
Today, God has been working something in my heart and mind
that I want to share in case it can also encourage/convict others.
Pop Quiz about your knowledge of Bible stories: Which of the
two thieves who died on either side of Christ asked to be saved?
Thought about your answer yet? Ok, I’ll wait a minute ;-)
If you’re having trouble remembering, check out Luke
23:39-43 (emphasis mine):
Then one of the criminals who were hanged blasphemed Him,
saying "If you are the Christ, save Yourself and us." But the other, answering, rebuked him, saying, "Do
you not even fear God, seeing you are under the same condemnation? And we
indeed justly, for we receive the due reward of our deeds; but this Man has
done nothing wrong." Then he said to Jesus, "Lord, remember me when You come into Your kingdom." And Jesus said
to him, "Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise."
As you can see, it was the first thief—the blasphemous one—who
asked to be saved. I don’t know about you – but that’s not what I would have
thought the answer was to that question. If I were some Bible scholar, I would
maybe have a better understanding of what was implied by the second thief’s
request for Christ to “remember” him. But I’m not…so I don’t.
But this realization in church this morning followed on the
heels of a conviction this morning in my ‘prayer closet’ which was along
similar themes.
Let me first back up a bit. On Good Friday, I spent a couple
hours out under a tree at our Enterprise Farm journaling about something….. something
that came up about a year ago from my young childhood. I felt last year that I
needed to work through it more, but had delayed and delayed. God used a couple
different things to bring it up again last week, and a day off work provided a
good opportunity to prayerfully write about it.
As I sat down to write, I wanted to do it from the right
perspective and foundation. I didn’t want to write about it out of self-pity or
a ‘victim’ mentality. I wanted to write about it in a way to open my heart to
Christ’s healing and redemption, which He accomplished on the Cross 2,000 years
ago. And so even though I didn’t plan it that way, Good Friday helped me think
about it in that framework.
Then yesterday morning I was reading Psalm 67 in my
devotional time. I couldn’t help but notice, while I read, that the Psalm talks
about urging all nations to praise God…..but it begins and ends with the
expectation that God will bless us. So was the admonition to praise God based
in selfish motives, just wanting the blessings from Him? My mind noticed it,
but then I went on with my day. And when a friend later asked me what Jesus was
speaking to me that day, I couldn’t think of anything – I just said I wasn’t
listening well enough to hear.
Back to this morning’s conviction. I had been thinking of my
friend’s question off and on. And as I was there in my ‘prayer closet,’
Paraclete revealed a piece of my heart. On Friday I felt close to God in a way
I haven’t as much recently, because I was bringing to Him something that was
weighing on me. I recognized that I needed healing in an area, and I was asking
Him to do that in me.
In other words, my motivation was partly/primarily selfish.
So this morning, the question that came to my heart and mind
was “Have I been ‘loving’ and ‘worshipping’ God for who He is? Or for what I
receive from Him?” In other words, haven’t I been doing the same thing the
author of Psalm 67 appears to have been doing?
It’s such an easy trap to fall into. We do need God, desperately.
And because He is a loving God, He does enjoy lavishing His children with gifts
of His grace (Eph. 1:7-8). But our love for and worship of God should be so
much more than that….shouldn’t it?
Because the God we serve is indescribably glorious. Enthroned in Majesty. The Creator and
Sustainer of all things – in ways we can’t even imagine. He is the definition
of Awesome.
But our eyes are so very easily fixated on our own lives,
our own problems – the things we want God to fix in us or the material things
we want Him to bless us with.
Is that not asking God to save us for our own selfish
reasons, as the thief on the cross did? Is that not following Jesus for what we
can get out of Him, as Judas ended up doing (John 12:4-8)?
Shouldn’t we instead recognize Christ for who He is—the one
who “has done nothing wrong” and who has a Kingdom where He rules—as the second
thief did? Shouldn’t we pour out our most valuable and precious things simply
for the sake of anointing Christ, as Mary did (John 12:1-3)?
This morning, Uncle Jonnes pointed out that the two thieves
on the crosses show the two types of responses to Jesus, paralleling the contrasting
responses of Mary and Judas in John 12. But which category do I really fall
into? As a not-yet-fully-sanctified human, I need to be continually examining
my own heart and listening for the input of the Holy Spirit in this matter.
Because this morning, there in my prayer closet, the
question came to mind: “If you got NOTHING from God, would you still worship
Him?” And my selfish heart had to answer a quiet “no.”
All day today, when my thoughts have gone back to these
points, there’s a simple line from a song that keeps coming back to mind: “I will
worship You for who You are.” And that has been the cry of my heart today. To
worship both our Savior and our Father for who He is as God. Not only for what
I receive as a result.
To quote my college president, “May it ever be true of us.”
I know this is a few months early for my fellow Americans…..
But here at New Hope Uganda, tomorrow we will be having our annual Thanksgiving
Sunday service. And so in that spirit, I wanted to share some of the things I
am so very thankful for in this season of my life.
First of all, I am incredibly thankful for our Abba, Father –
the fact that He is present and active in the lives of His children is an incomprehensible gift!
I am thankful for our Savior, for His patience and undying
love for us. Words utterly fail to describe what He has done and continues to
do for the glory of God, of which we are beneficiaries!
“This is a faithful saying: For if we died with Him, we will
also live with Him. If we endure, we shall also reign with Him. If we deny Him,
He also will deny us. If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny
Himself.” 2 Timothy 2:11-13
I’m also thankful for Paraclete, the Holy Spirit, who lives
within God’s beloved sons & daughters and continues working and interceding
for our sanctification.
I’m so thankful that I am never alone, for this is the
Triune God who is ever-present with us.
I’m thankful for my biological family, especially my
parents. Their constant love and care and prayers and support mean more to me
than I can ever say.
I am also thankful for my massive spiritual family –
literally located around the globe. So many names I could mention here – names of
prayer supporters and encouragers, names of friends. Many of whom I have not
seen in recent months, but who I know care nonetheless.
I’m thankful for my New Hope family too – again, so many
names I could pull out of people who have invested in me in ways small and
large. People who have opened their hearts and homes to me; people I have been
able to stand with and work alongside. People who, while not perfect, seek to
serve God through loving His “least of these.”
I am thankful for the gift of fellowshipping for a week in
person with a friend & apartment-mate from college days. Her presence was
such a gift and she is part of the reason I am writing this right now!
I’m thankful for the beauty of God’s creation! For the
birds, the flowers, the stars my friend and I enjoyed during a dark night power
out. This world is so amazing in its variety and ingenious design.
This list could go on and on…..
When I choose gratitude and thankfulness as my glasses, I
see so much that is good and blessing in my life. Yes, there are hardships and
challenges. But I – we! – are called to give thanks in all things. And so this
evening, I praise God for the many gifts He has given me…..above them all,
Himself in relationship.
I’ve got to say, it’s not easy for me to think about writing
this post. Even simply typing the title made me pause.
I’m the kind of person who likes to be right—who needs to be right (or at least I think I
do). I want to be the one who’s dependable and got it all together.
But, truth is, I’m not – and I don’t.
God is at work in my heart and life. Often I wish He would hurry
up and finish so that I would just be good to go. But then I wouldn’t need Him
as desperately, would I?
In the past weeks and months, I’ve been wrestling with
apathy. Well, actually, a more accurate description would be that I’ve been
giving in to apathy without putting up a lot of fight.
I’ve been battling discouragement, hypocrisy, etc. You name
one of those inner struggles that’s so easy to put a mask over, I’ve probably
been dealing with it to some extent.
But God – He sees right through my masks. Jesus Christ sees
my heart with His eyes of blazing fire that our teacher talked about this
morning in church (from Revelations 2:18). And yet this same God doesn’t only
see in me what I so often focus on, the sin & failures, the guilt. God the
Father sees in me the righteousness of His Son, our Savior.
That’s what He reminded me of this afternoon as I knelt on
my bed, crying for shame & guilt of my shortcomings. And to my heart, three
simple words, yet so profound that it will take eternity to understand: He
loves me.
Yes, in myself I am weak – so very prone to give into the
temptation of the easy, selfish path. But in my weakness is the opportunity for
His strength to be displayed, for His glory.
Because if living the Christian life—a life that pleases God—is
something that I could work up to do in my own strength, there would have been
no need for Christ to come.
I need Him, He who has fought the war and won the victory;
He who has defeated the enemies of sin and Satan and death. The balance is
there: The war has been won, and yet I am called to fight the daily battles by
the power of the Victor flowing in and through me.
Yesterday as I worked on laundry, some of these same
thoughts which have been common these past weeks were already circling in my
mind. I shut off the podcast I was listening to, and prayed seeking to listen
to my God instead. And in that, I was reminded of the need to put to death my
old man, my fleshly desires, each day. But I can’t even crucify my own flesh –
that can only be done through the Spirit who brings life in the place of death
(Romans 8:13).
Thanks be to God, it is not that I must struggle against my
flesh in order to win God’s acceptance and approval. On the contrary, He has
adopted me as His daughter through Christ’s death – thereby giving the only
reason I have hope of choosing life over the sin and death which form our
natural, fallen state (Romans 8:12-17).
And yesterday, as He called me to the beginning of this
memory, my mind flew back to a little something I had started in March and
finished in June:
I say I started it in March. That’s not strictly true. March
is when I pulled some images of crosses from the Internet and selected a font,
all of which I began to combine and trace to make this image. But the story of
this picture started almost four years ago, on my 21st birthday at
JBU’s Sunday night chapel service. It was there that the words “I am Thine”
(referring to myself in relationship to my heavenly Lord, obviously) became
emblazoned on my mind. They’ve been there ever since, and often my heart has
repeated that cry.
The cross was added to the mental image later, in Northern
Ireland. That’s a story of its own, perhaps for another day. But over these
past two years since that trip, I’ve been wanting to draw this. Last month, the
image was finally completed. And yesterday, it suddenly took on even deeper
significance. Not only is the cross the symbol of Christ’s redemption of our
souls, it is also the symbol of what we are called to: To take up our cross
each day – not to earn our salvation, but because we have it (Luke 9:23-25,
Philippians 3:7-11).
These words, this symbol – they are far beyond anything I
can accomplish in and of myself. It is all Christ. Therefore, I will gladly
boast in my weakness, that through me the strength of His grace may be seen (2
Corinthians 12:9). For His glory alone.
{I’ve stolen/borrowed this title, as you’ll see later – so I
can’t take credit for it!}
This past Thursday evening, I hit a slump of discouragement.
There are several probable factors that created it, but in the end God used it
to once again remind me how constantly and desperately I need Him. He is
all-sufficient, if only I would have the faith to trust and rely on Him rather
than myself.
Since then, I have spent some time reading Nehemiah 8 and 9.
Those two chapters focus on the reading of the law to the Jews who had returned
after exile, and of their response to it. The people were grieved when the law
was read and explained by the Levites – and though they were encouraged to not
grieve because “the joy of the LORD
is your strength” (Neh. 8:10), they later returned to pour their hearts out in
confession before God.
During this gathering, the Levites stood up before the
people and recounted the history of Israel poetically – but what I found most
interesting as I read it this morning is that they started off by blessing God
and worshipping Him. The tale they told was one of Israelite rebellion and
unfaithfulness, but it was framed and laced throughout with the mercy of God
and His worthiness to be obeyed and praised.
As I closed my Bible and prepared to get ready for church, a
thought flitted through my mind; something about feeling as though I was just
slogging through, trying to do what I knew I should, but often without my heart
fully into it. Little did I know then how that very thought would tie into
church.
I arrived at church a little early. While sitting there
listening to the choir finishing their practice for the service, I watched as a
couple of our church leaders brought out the elements for communion. Somehow,
that simple sight awakened emotion in me, and a tear had to be wiped from my
cheek.
A little later in the service, the Scripture passage for the
day’s sermon was read, Revelations 2:1-7. The meat of those verses hit me right
between the eyes. Christ, speaking to the church in Ephesus, says:
“I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I
know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who
claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have
persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.
Yet I hold this against you: have forsaken the love you had at first” (Rev.
2:2-4).
Yes, I thought. Yes, that’s exactly it. That could nearly
just as well be speaking about me.
My mind flashed back to a recent group discussion in which I
was simultaneously frustrated and prideful. I found myself unduly frustrated with
others for not having a working understanding of theological principles which I’ve
had something of a grasp on for almost as long as I can remember. And thus the
pride came into play as well.
I try to work hard and perform well, often for the sake of
giving glory to Christ. I make an effort to hold fast to Scripture, making it my
foundation, learning so that I may I understand truth and discern the lie. I do
my best to press through times of discouragement.
But where is the love in my heart?
Do I do all these things merely because I am supposed to? Or
because my heart is on fire with a love and passion for God and His glory?
While I desire the latter, the former is often more
accurate. Just trying to slog through life, to get through one more day.
I don’t want to live like that.
I want to return to the first love of Christ. The love that
came, not because of anything I had done but because of what He did. The fresh
love, as the preacher put it, that flows from Him through me—of which I am
merely a channel, not a creator.
During the sermon, the pastor for the day clarified and
reechoed many of these thoughts which had recently been swirling, half-formed,
in my mind. In his conclusion, he read 1 Corinthians 13:1-8a. Reminding us that
without love, we are nothing. Reminding us of just what kind of love Christ has
for us.
As we took communion, our worship leader played a song that
had really struck me in church a couple weeks ago.
I munched my small square of bread and drank my small cup of juice, remembering
what Christ has done for me; remembering that all is by grace.
And so a new day continues, a new hour lies before me. May
it be filled with a fresh love for Christ and for others, by His grace.
On Saturday, when all those thoughts that became my previous
blog post were rumbling around in my head, I must confess that I was frustrated
and angry. I don’t know if it came through to you, my readers—I felt that I was
calmer about it when I actually put it all into words—but I know my heart &
mind had been vigorously and selfishly decrying the unfairness of it all.
I didn’t fully realize this until I was sitting in church
Sunday morning and the sermon “just happened” to be about Asaph and Psalm 73. I
sat there listening, and it suddenly hit me that I had been feeling and acting
a lot like Asaph, although the circumstances are different. But I was still jealous of others who seem to have a better life. Questioning why they get it
good while I have to give up more to follow where God is leading me.
Even on Saturday, the Lord had opened my eyes to the
selfishness of my attitude, as I wrote about at the end of my post. In light of
what our Savior did, I am sacrificing nothing. But the sermon on Sunday showed
me even more clearly the trap I had fallen into, and it pointed out that
nothing in this life tells the full story.
I was questioning God “why?” again, based on what I see in
the physical reality. And that’s wrong on two counts. One, I don’t have a right
to ask God why He acts in the way He does. Two, judging things based on what
happens in this life is like judging a book by its cover alone. In the light of
eternity, I am beyond blessed simply because I am a child of the King. That
should be more than enough satisfaction for me.
And so I have a new verse to remember, to keep me
perspective right:
But it is good for me to draw near to God;
I have put my trust in the Lord GOD,
That I may declare all Your works.
Psalm 73:28
Trust God and declare His goodness: that is to be sufficient
for me.
It’s so easy to forget. It’s so easy to slip back into old
habits, into old ruts. Over and over and over, God told the Israelites to
REMEMBER. To remember the wonders He had done in setting them free. To remember
His provision for them again and again.
It is the same today—it is the same in my life. God has
proven His faithfulness so many times, in so many ways, and yet so often I find
myself sliding back into the mentality that I have to take care of myself.
Fretting about the future. Worried that God won’t come through.
But the amazing thing is that God has ALREADY filled my MOST
ULTIMATE need. OUR deepest need! Because, obviously, this isn’t just about me.
From eternity past, God worked each piece of His plan, leading up to the
pinnacle moment of earthly history: the coming of God’s Son in flesh, His
sacrificial death, His victorious resurrection. It is all for His glory—and yet
amazingly it is simultaneously for our blessing, that we may be redeemed.
SO THAT we may then live our lives to the glory of our King,
serving for His sake, and that one day we may enjoy Him fully FOREVER. Because
HE IS AWESOME.
It is so amazing, so beautiful, SO PERFECT!
I know many of you who are likely to read this share this
great knowledge with me. And yet, as I said earlier, we so easily forget. We
rush from here to there, lost in the hustle and the bustle—gazing so hard at
the flurry of the snow globe that we miss the bigger picture. The better, the
more beautiful picture.
It happened to me yesterday morning. As I got up and started
getting ready for church, I was consumed with worry, fretting over the
financial needs and deadlines looming. I needed $2,000 by Dec. 1 to pay for my
plane ticket, and my NHU account had less than $500. I was wracking my brain
trying to figure out what I could do to make it work. And yes, I tried to pray
and remind myself to trust God for this too—after all, He’s the one who has
called me to Uganda, so He will provide—but my mind still went around and
around trying to logically figure it out.
I get to church, and within 30 minutes the amount of donations
I had received tripled. I was overwhelmed. But I’m sad to admit to you that it
was only after that happened that I woke up to how I had been acting. Our
worship service focused even more than usual on Christ’s redeeming work, and I
found myself ashamed of my morning behavior. I had been so focused on how
things didn’t seem to be working out on my timeline. And I had failed to
remember how undeservingly blessed I am simply to be a member of God’s family.
I’m thankful that God’s call through the worship service
reoriented me back to what matters most. I’m also grateful for His faithful and
generous servants who are coming forward to partner with me. But most of all, I
am hopeful that I will remember the lesson of that Sunday morning. I pray that
I’ll be focused on the truth of God’s provision, rather than on what I don’t
have. And I am so blessed by my Savior’s love. Amen.
So what does true success look like? As a Christian, what is
the goal at which I should be aiming? Most importantly, how does GOD define
success?
The past two weeks, the teaching elder at my church has been
especially “meddlesome” with his sermons. In a really really good way—it’s just
convicting rather than comfortable! (As it should be J) He is doing a topical series
in Proverbs, and the past two weeks have been about humility. Last week he
looked at how God defines pride and humility, while this week focused on the
application of humility in the Christian’s life—both towards God and towards
our fellow men. Good, but hard, stuff!
One of the things he emphasized this Sunday was that
Christ’s humility is to be our model—that is what God calls us to (see
Philippians 2 if you need a refresher on what that looks like). To paraphrase a
small section of his straight shooting sermon: The path Jesus paved for us
means that the cross comes before the crown. In our culture, people are always
racing to the top—trying to control things in their lives and trying to avoid
pain. In Christianity, it should be a race to the bottom. God leaves us on
earth, after He saves us, to suffer for the sake of Christ. He was despised by
men and suffered grievous injustice – it is only sinful pride which makes us
think we deserve better than that. We are called to have an audience of ONE –
protecting my own reputation is not to be my goal or concern.
His last sentence there ties into something I had already
been thinking about in the past week or two. As this topic of success—in
culture’s eyes vs. what God calls us to—had been ruminating in my brain, I
couldn’t help but think of Os Guinness’ book “Rising to the Call.” I first read
it four years ago in Honors Orientation, one of my favorite college classes,
and reviewed it twice more mentoring for the class. Having an audience of One
(God) is one of the things which Guinness discusses.
Another of his points which is especially relevant in this
discussion comes when he makes a distinction between the primary and secondary
calling of a Christian. “Our primary calling as followers of Christ is by Him,
to Him, and for Him,” Guinness said (pg. 24). In other words, calling becomes a
question of WHO I am called TO, not WHAT I am called to DO.
Even Guinness’ description of secondary calling does not
exactly paint a picture of success which lines up with what I talked about in
my previous post. Instead, Guinness wrote that “Our secondary calling,
considering who God is as sovereign, is that everyone, everywhere, and in
everything should think, speak, live, and act entirely for Him” (pg. 25).
Guinness’ definition of calling, and thus of what to aim for in our quest for
success, is entirely God-centered rather than self-focused.
Guinness ends his book with this quote from his last
paragraph: “Answering the call of Jesus is the greatest adventure, the deepest
romance, and the most fascinating journey of our lives….In giving up everything
for this one way, you will find yourself fulfilled in every way—until one day
when the ‘last call’ will sound and you will see the Caller face to face…” (pg.
99).
But stepping out on that journey feels a whole lot scarier
than the “safety” of pursuing a more typical American dream. Because it
requires sacrificing a lot more that I would so much rather cling to. I should
include the fact that Guinness is quick to point out this does not close off
any field of work. It does not mean that every Christian must drop what they
are doing and go translate the Bible. That is not what Guinness is saying at
all.
If God’s calling leads me to a job where I am writing, I am
to write in such a way that will bring glory to God rather than glorifying
self. Over the past several weeks, though, I have been sensing His leading in a
completely different direction. A direction asking me to lay down more of my
wants and myself—a direction requiring absolute faith in God to continue
guiding and providing. I don’t know yet exactly what that looks like. It
remains to be seen how God will work. And in some ways, that is scary to me.
I’m not in control. I don’t know what my life will look like
from one year to the next. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing (although I
must confess that my flesh certainly wishes it were otherwise) because lacking
that certainty forces me to be more in tune with God’s calling in my life.
Success is not really about what I do in an earthly sense. Success is knowing
God (John 17:3). Success is being conformed to the image of His Son (Rom.
8:29). Success is pressing on toward the upward call of Christ Jesus my Lord
(Phil. 3:12-14). Success is being available for His service (Is. 6:8, Luke
1:38). Success is joining the long line of His humble servants (Luke 17:10) who
serve for His glory and not their own.
It’s such a simple word, and yet it is so very deep. I
started realizing its vast importance less than two years ago, and yet it is
beginning to define my life.
Grace: God riches at Christ’s expense, God giving us what we
do not deserve – statements that try to explain an immeasurable divine
attribute in an understandable way. And yet until Jan. 25, 2011, I knew the right answers but not the trueness of God’s Grace in my life.
I’ve written about this a couple of other times earlier this
semester (here and here).
But I’m writing about it again because it’s still a lesson God is teaching me.
This morning, the sermon at my church in Dallas came from
Romans 8:1-13, one of my favorite passages of Scripture. The teaching focused
on the fact that we *can* have victory in the battles of our lives, reflective
of the victory that Christ has *already won* in the war. Our victory is already
AND not yet. And we can choose whether to live and walk according to the flesh
or according to the Spirit.
Mr. Wright focused in on the fact that positionally, our
fate as children of God is sealed: We are declared righteous in God’s sight
through justification. But in our daily lives, we have a choice to make: Practically,
we can choose to be slaves of God, sold out to Him, being sanctified – or we
can choose to continue trying to live in this world on our own.
God’s Grace does not change one iota either way. And yet my
decision of which man (old, fleshly man or new, spiritual man) to feed and
encourage makes a huge difference in my outlook on life. Learning to let go of
my attempts to improve myself and of the belief that I had to meet God’s
expectations of me before He would continue loving me has been, in some ways, a
slow process. God’s faithfulness throughout this time has been a huge testimony
to His continued Grace.
A couple of other comments Mr. Wright made that stood out to
me…
Christ *has already* fulfilled the requirements of the law. I do deserve
condemnation under the law – but He has fully removed that.
The Holy Spirit comes to indwell us so that we may more fully reflect God’s
character, NOT so that we can then fulfill the law.
The newness of our spiritual life is to be defined by Spirit-walking, not
Law-keeping.
Our walk and our mindset are closely connected. What is it that I focus on?
That heavily impacts how I will act.
Thanks for reading this rambly rant. I hope and pray that
you too may learn to experience the Grace of God, even in your moments of
personal failure and weakness. Seek to grow and to make choices that are
pleasing to God, YES. But never forget that there is nothing you can ever ever
do to earn God’s love. Through His Grace, His Love is constant – regardless of
how you feel about yourself.
I’ve written about this issue a couple of times in a couple
of places….. One was last November as I started looking back over the personal revival which God had been working
in my life over the past 11 months. The other is a post I wrote last month (posted a couple days ago) for Thrive80, a website by Moody
Publishing targeted at Millenials. In both of those posts, I focused on what
happened on the day God revolutionized my perspective. In this post, however, I
want to step back and look more at the big picture. So check those out for the
snapshot version/resolution of this issue J
I’ve always been a perfectionist. Partly as a result of
this, I also grew up focused on feeling the need to earn people’s
love/acceptance/approval/whatever. Yes, I knew my parents and other people
loved me no matter what. But I still put pressure on myself to behave in a way
that would impress them and ensure that I kept their love. I still worry far
too much about people’s opinions of me. This approach to my human relationships
affected how I approached God as well.
Sure, I knew I was saved by grace and not by what I did. But
that didn’t keep me from thinking that I needed to make sure I was behaving
myself properly so that He would keep on loving me and approving of me. Looking
back now it seems so simple and rather silly – but it was the trap I was stuck
in.
In Galatians 3:3, Paul asks “Are you so foolish? Having
begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?” And in Titus
3:4-5 he writes “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He
saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His
mercy.” I knew these verses. I had heard the latter one quoted often during a
season of Bible Quizzing.
But somehow, the truth of the former verse did not make its
way from my head to my heart. I tried to have a relationship with God in which
I earned His pleasure. I failed to recognize that Grace extends beyond
salvation, that it is at work in every moment of my life.
I knew I was a miserable failure at keeping myself “good
enough.” What I guess I didn’t realize or want to accept was that even in those
moments when I have messed up, God’s Grace covers that. No, this is not a
license to sin (Rom. 6:1ff). I know that very well. I want to live a life of
holiness, to seek to become more Christlike. My problem is that I often base my
self-acceptance and my idea of whether God is accepting me on my actions alone.
I tried to live by Rom. 6:1, but I forgot about Rom. 8:1.
Yes, there is a delicate balance here. It is easy to go to
either the extreme of pietistic legalism, as I tend to, or to go to the other
extreme of flippant licentiousness. God calls us to neither. We do not earn His
favor by what we do, but we are to constantly seek to draw closer to His will
for our lives.
This summer at Capitol Hill Baptist Church (see my first summer post for more about the church) they had a mini-series from Galatians 3.
It seemed as though every week after that there was some mention about how we
don’t earn God’s favor by our good deeds. Maybe it’s that I was finally at a
place where I believed that, but I don’t remember hearing that truth emphasized
in church very much ever before, if at all.
I’m thankful God spoke that truth over me 21 months ago. I
wish I had learned it sooner…I wish I had been able to hear it from my church.
That would have saved me some heart ache in high school. At the same time, I
know God knows what He is doing. If I had learned it without struggles, I
wouldn’t have the same testimony of God’s work in my life. It was the struggles
I lived through that made the lesson so real and applicable.
Well…..that was over a month ago now…but I am finally enough
into the swing of my semester that I am going to take some time off from school work and try to finish this up.
On our way back from D.C., my parents and I visited a church
in Virginia. We literally went to the town’s visitor center and asked the lady
there where a church was located. You can’t get much more random than that,
right?? But guess what? The God who created the Universe can orchestrate even
seemingly chance happenings. And the church we visited “just happened” to be
doing a sermon that relates to this same topic which has been the theme of my
summer.
The pastor used Matthew 6:24 as his jumping off point. His
sermon centered around the question of “Who is Your Master?” which tied in well
with both this summer’s main idea and the Spiritual Emphasis speaker from last
year (this post talks some about that).
Now, I have naturally heard about the whole idea of not
being able to serve two masters before. But God knows I can always use a
reminder! This pastor made a point of saying that there is no middle ground. “You
are not free,” he said. “You are owned by someone—either God OR Satan/Sin/Self.”
The question is not whether I will be a slave, but rather who I will be a slave
for.
Christ redeemed us from our enslavement to the world, the
flesh and the devil. The word redemption, he said, refers to purchasing a slave
out of the market. God is not an evil Master. He redeems so that we can have a
relationship with Him, not only so that He can benefit from our slave labor.
At the same time, the natural reaction of someone purchased
out of slavery to an evil master is to want to serve the giver of freedom, the
pastor said. We should be eager and willing to serve God because of everything which
He has done for us!
When we do not choose to put Christ first and above all
else, that means that there is something else to which we are giving that
priority. He pointed to Deut. 6:4-5 as a call that we cannot simply coast
through life. The choice to serve God must be an active choice throughout our
days, months, years.
He did also make a point of saying that what we receive from Christ (salvation plus!) is many times more valuable than anything we can ever bring to Him. This ties into another topic (the focus of my next post) which has been an issue for me and which I have finally heard this summer explicitly stated from a church pulpit for the first time that I can remember.
It’s a good thing I put at the end of my last post where I
was intending to take this series, because as you can see my month got away
from me! Now I am in the car in the middle if hilly Tennessee as my dad drives
us back to Dallas, through a rainstorm at the moment.
As I stated previously, this post will cover the sermon I
heard my first Sunday in the DC/Maryland area, which was June 10. The pastor
was finishing a series about Samson, and his focus was on Strength and Weakness
– the fact that our Failure can lead to Opportunities. Anyone who knows the
story of Samson knows he messed up plenty. (Sounds familiar to my life!) As the
pastor pointed out, Samson broke every part of the Nazarite vow that he was
supposed to live by.
Rather than conquering the Philistines, he ended up as their
slave. Rather than being a moral leader for the Israelites, he engaged in
almost every type of detrimental behavior possible. I can’t imagine how disappointed
and confused his parents were about all of this. Samson was a failure because
he did what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it rather than following God’s
leadership.
And so as a consequence of his failures and his focus on
himself, Samson found himself at the bottom, in a position of forced humility
and servitude. Samson had chosen not to submit to God, and as a result he
became enslaved and in a position of submission to the morally depraved
Philistines.* They naturally saw their sudden victory over him as a sign that
their god was more powerful than Yahweh.
BUT God was not done with Samson. Even though he had decided
to depend on himself (and to some extent on his hair perhaps?), God did not
write him off as useless. Yes, Samson’s actions had serious consequences, which
God did not save him from. He lost his eyes – he lost the freedom he thought he
had. During those long days circling around and around grinding the Philistines’
corn, Samson evidently came to a clearer understanding of how he should relate
to God.
What happened next was proof that God doesn’t force us to be
defined by our failures. Yes, failure impacts our relationship with God and
with other people – but it doesn’t confine us to fail forever. Instead, God
provides forgiveness and grace for those times when we depend on ourselves and
as a result fail. As the pastor said, “We cannot undo the bad things we have
done, but we can choose to be faithful from this point on” – though I would add
that choice cannot be something that we drum up based only on our own strength.
The whole point of this sermon was that depending on ourselves
leads only to disappointment. But at the end of the day, it is still so very
easy to look at ourselves as the solution! In reality, only God’s strength and
indwelling Paraclete Holy Spirit can save us from the failure into which we so
easily stumble. But that does take action on our part: We must recognize our
deep need of God and actively choose to submit – as contradictory as that
sounds sometimes.
At the end of Samson’s story, God got the glory. As the
pastor pointed out, Samson’s self-sacrificial choice to bring down the temple
on himself and the Philistines was a heavy blow to that nation. The Philistines
are not mentioned another single time in Judges. Through Samson, God brought an
end of an era to a people who had turned their backs on Him. Out of Samson’s
initial failure came an opportunity for God to be glorified. When Samson chose
to give up his faith in himself, God used him to bring about His plans and
purposes.
God can do the same for every one of us, and for anyone who surrenders.
*This ties in perfectly to the sermon I heard today, which
is what I will talk about next!
The sermon I talked about last time was, as I mentioned in
the first post, very convicting to me. It holds a lesson that I just need to
keep being reminded of over and over because I am a spiritually forgetful
being. I know good and well that God is the one with true authority over my
life. And yet again and again I find myself making my own plans and staking my
happiness on that rather than being willing to surrender to God’s will.
There are several areas of my life where this is
particularly difficult. God is awesomely patient with me. So often though, I
blame myself for having to surrender once again in an area that I thought I had
taken care of before.
I guess the big picture truth behind my frustration is my need
to accept the fact that I will never arrive at a perfect attitude here on
earth. Rather, the Christian life is a process. It’s that moment by moment handing
over of my will to His. But I am frequently too distracted to notice His
outstretched hand, waiting for me to let go of my flurried feelings and
childish plans.
As I was writing this, a song I had heard before but hadn’t
really paid attention to the words of came on my mp3 player. It’s so applicable
here {I love it when such “coincidences” happen J}.
So watch this video of it and think about the words J
Speaking of songs – as I mentioned before I love the music at CHBC! In my two Sunday
mornings of experience, they do a great job of picking songs that match with
the theme of the teaching. On June 17 we sang one called “Speak, O Lord” which
I appreciate. We also sang one I had never heard before but was absolutely
applicable: “O Great God.”
All of these songs so accurately describe how I so often
feel. I do want to listen and obey – and yet my tendency is to go on about my
own business as though God doesn’t have time to be involved in each moment of
my life and I have to do it on my own.
The offertory that morning was another great hymn – “Day by Day.” I’ve heard it in three different services this summer, I think. Must be
that God’s trying to get that lesson through my thick skull…. J
The next segment will be a bit of a spin-off of from the
sermon – something I’ve been thinking about for a couple of months but haven’t
gotten around to blogging.
Picking up from where we left off last time – summarizing
Leeman’s sermon...
He went on to discuss six attributes of God’s authority:
1.Protects the lowly, gives to the needy – so often
we think of authority as being involved in doing the opposite! Authority
figures should use their power to lift other people up, thus creating an
atmosphere of faith and trust.
2.God opposes those who oppose Him and shares the
plunder with His people – Government must be used to pursue justice, or God
will judge it! Any authority people have has been given by God, and we need to
remember that!
3.God shares His authority with His people! –
Christ is the center of God’s power on earth, and the church is God’s Kingdom.
When people submit to God, He demonstrates His character through them.
Under this point, Leeman talked about how Godly authority flows from Godly
obedience. People must first be in submission to God before they can use
authority in a God-honoring way (John 6:38-39). We need to learn to submit our
autonomy* to God and the leaders He has placed in our spiritual lives. Once we
are in submission, then God may trust us with more authority, as contradictory
as that sounds on the surface.
4.God’s authority saves and justifies! – So often
we think we can choose our own rule and determine our own path. We think that
is what authority means. But for Christ, authority meant laying down His life,
giving it up for others. We need to turn away from our false authority and
follow God’s rule!
5.God draws diverse people into united praise –
Here Leeman talked about the importance of worshiping together as a unified
body of Christ, regardless of social class, ethnicity, married vs. singleness,
etc. True freedom and true justice should be on display in God’s Kingdom.
6.Destroying those who hate God – God empowers
those who recognize their own helplessness, but He resists the proud! Leeman
encouraged us to ask ourselves whether we are acting as a foe towards God based
on two questions: Do I believe God has the right to judge? Did I spend the last
week rejecting/ignoring God’s rule, or did I rejoice in it?
Most importantly, Leeman concluded, God has used His
authority to conquer sin and death for all people, and that saving power is
available for all people (Eph. 4:7-8, 11, 15). In Ephesians 4, Paul quotes from
Psalm 68 – but with a slight twist.
Psalm 68:18 says:
“You have
ascended on high,You have led
captivity captive;You have received
gifts among men,Evenfromthe rebellious,That theLordGod might dwellthere.”
Ephesians 4:7-8:
“But to each one of us grace was
given according to the measure of Christ’s gift.Therefore He says:‘When He ascended on high,He led captivity captive,And gave gifts to men.’”
See it? Psalm 68 shows God
receiving gifts from men (which is
His due as God), while Paul changed the verse to show God giving gifts to men.
So that is a summary of the
sermon. Next time I’ll talk about its application to me personally.
*Interestingly, in the ethics class I’m taking we’ve been
discussing philosophical theories of ethics, and Kant’s big point in his
ethical formalism theory is that people are autonomous and it is immoral to do
anything that goes against their autonomy.
Well, it’s summer time so you would think I would have more
time to invest in writing…but the reality is that I am having a busy summer –
and also that there are times when I feel too lazy to take the time to write
about all the things I would love to share that God has been teaching me. I’ve been putting off writing something for
here for at least two weeks, and I’m finally going to do it!
The last several months have been hectically busy in all
areas of my life, and as a result I have a long list of topics I want to cover
in this blog but haven’t gotten around to writing yet. So here’s to a beginning to cover the list! This first group is going to be a short series simply because it’s on a couple of different
but connected topics.
I moved into an apartment in DC on June 10, and the next
week I visited a church that my aunt had suggested and that a family friend’s
son happened to also attend. I can
honestly say that the two Sundays I have been there have been my favorite
church services ever. The church is
Capitol Hill Baptist Church, and it is just a few blocks from the Capitol
building.
The service is two hours long. The first half, the worship section, is set
up slightly like a liturgy. We alternate
singing (mostly hymns – which I enjoy!), praying, and reading Scripture. The prayers are focused on a specific topic,
so there’s one for praise, one for confession, one for petition, and one for
thanksgiving. The offertory and the sermon
come next, followed by a closing hymn. Then we have a few moments of silent reflection before the service is
over.
The first week, one of the pastors was teaching on Ps. 68,
and I think it was one of the most convicting sermons I have ever heard. Both weeks the pastors have worked their way
exegetically through the text, but they are also very intentional at making the
sermon applicable to both believers and also those who are unsaved. It is such a blessing to have this service
available for the time I am here!
Anyway, back to June 17.
The speaker, Jonathan Leeman, emphasized God’s authority during the
sermon. The Psalm divides into several
sections
a prologue (1-6)
God leading His people out of captivity (7-10)
Routing the enemies of His people (11-14)
bigger mountains being jealous of
Zion because that is where God dwells (15-18)
God’s people vs. God’s enemies
(19-23)
God’s people entering in joy (24-27)
enemies either bringing tribute
or being scattered (28-31)
and an afterward focused on praise (32-35)
Leeman pointed out that we as humans tend to question
authority, and especially to want to take God’s place of authority. One of the
points that he made is that Christians should be living transparently and
authentically, both before God and before our fellow believers.
Tomorrow I’ll post the conclusion of a summary of Leeman’s sermon, looking
at six characteristics of God’s power.
Yesterday was a heavy day. It was a good day, but it was heavy.
The Lord’s showing me that there are some areas of my life where there is deep deep hurt. I’ve been praying that He will continue working in my life to bring healing to those areas, but I’m now being reminded that part of healing is admitting the pain and the problem.
Healing is not an easy process. When wounds are made, it takes much time and care to restore them to health. It’s so much easier to stuff things, to put a bandage on and pretend nothing’s wrong. That might work with minor physical injuries, but with emotional injuries it just allows infection to fester and the wound worsens.
I’ve been stuffing for a long time. And yesterday I finally saw that certain things in my life aren’t going to change by my just wishing that they would get better. The Lord showed me that I really need to work through the feelings and the hurt and the bitterness before it can be cleansed. And the scar will probably be worse because I’ve let it go so long.
My heart’s aching as I write this.
This isn’t something I can do. I’m a broken person. I’ve tried to fix it my way, and it ain’t working. It will have to be the Lord’s work in me to slowly and gradually bring healing. I’ve also realized yesterday that I need to be open to the Lord using other people as His tools in the process.
As humans, we like to think that we are perfect. We like to stay on an even keel, to make our way through life without too many upsets. Seeking out help is not our idea of a good plan. We want to do things all on our own. This is mainly due to our fallen nature (as TJ was talking about in Sunday School this morning!).
Asking for help is immensely humbling, because it requires that we admit that we are faced with a problem that we cannot fix. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to let others into my rather deep dark secrets because I’m afraid that I’ll then start relying on the people instead of relying on God. That’s a danger for me. But this isn’t something that’s going to fix itself, or that I can fix on my own. I know I need to look to God to guide the healing, and I think that’s going to include opening up to someone who’s trained in counseling.
Please pray for me. There’s a lot here. It’s way too big for me to handle. My eyes have finally been opened up to just what a big problem it is…to just how much damage I’ve done by ignoring it and trying to function without working through my feelings. I need to seek God’s truth rather than giving in to my faulty, selfish interpretations.
Last night I watched Facing the Giants. And I definitely identified with it. There are lots of things that are involved with this that I could fear if I allowed myself to do that. Working through the pain is not going to be easy. But I know that in order to flourish and to become the woman that God desires for me to be, it must happen.
Last night I also happened to see a friend’s Facebook post about Whitney Houston dying. They mentioned one of the songs she’s evidently famous for (not that I could have told you that before…): When You Believe from the Prince of Egypt. I listened to that song a lot my second semester here because I was part of a dance that used it. So I looked up the video and watched it again…..and although one could certainly argue it’s not explicitly theologically correct,* it was still an encouragement to me.
God can work miracles. He uses broken people. He looks past our brokenness and sees instead what He has for us to become. He’s an amazing God, in case you didn’t know. Perfectly just, perfectly merciful (one of the things Mark Galli talked about in chapel last week). When I fail (which happens often), He does not judge me for my failure. He sees me not as a dirty wreck of a person but as a person who has been washed clean. That being said, we must still deal with the consequences of our choices. And often that causes pain.
The part of the song that is sung in Hebrew is the most correct theologically. According to the lyrics that I looked at, the translation of this is as follows: “I will sing to the Lord, for He has triumphed gloriously. Who is like You, oh Lord, among the celestial? Who is like You, majestic in holiness? In Your love, You lead the people You redeemed. I will sing, I will sing, I will sing.” This comes from the song by the Red Sea in Exodus 15:1, 11, and 13.
I know God’s got me. I know I am His. I also know that He wants me to become more like Himself. He wants to make me into the image of His Son. And that process is not always easy. But through the pain comes healing.
I will sing.
*I say this because it talks about miracles as through people will them to happen by believing, and it rather leaves God out of the picture there. I don’t believe miracles happen just because I believe they will. God’s will is supreme, no matter what I try to make myself believe.
In my Integrated Theology class, we've been studying Soteriology the past couple of classes. Last Thursday we were talking about Atonement theories - what happened when Christ died for us - looking at how it works. Our main textbook is called The Mosaic of Christian Belief by Rogers Olson. He discuses four main theories which he says fall within the realm of orthodox Christianity. They are listed below.
Ransom/Satisfaction - Christ's death 'paid Satan off' to some extent so that we were freed from bondage to him. Mark 10:45, 1 Tim. 2:6, Heb. 9:15
Christ the Victor - At the cross, Christ forever defeated Satan, sin, and death. Rom. 8:2, 1 John 2:1
Substitution - Christ took the punishment that we deserved because of our sin. Gal. 3:10, 13, John 15:13, 2 Cor. 5:21, 1 Pet. 3:18
Moral Influence - Through His life, Christ became our model of how to return to a right relationship with God. Phil. 2:5, Rom. 7:4-6, Gal. 2:20
Now, I personally think that #4 is getting closer to the edge of what I would typically consider solid theology, but that may be because I don't entirely understand it.
One of the things that was mentioned in class was the question of "why does this really matter?" Although Christ's death on the cross is clearly one of the most important doctrines of Christianity, does it really matter how God accomplished our salvation through Christ's work?
While this was still somewhat in the back of my mind, that Sunday in church we sang a song by the Gettys called "Power of the Cross." {Can I just add that I appreciate their lyrics a lot?} As we were singing it, I couldn't help but compare it with the various theories we had talked about. I think this particular song lines up mostly with the Substitution theory, although it does refer some to a couple of the others.
In the end, the important thing to remember about Christ's death is what it accomplished, not necessarily how it was accomplished. At the same time, as we were encouraged in class, it is important to ask the how and why questions. Through searching for the answers to those deeper questions, we can come to know God's heart and His workings more fully.
So...I don't have any deep insight here to share with you, but I did just want to encourage you not to be afraid to search out why you believe what you believe. When approached from the understanding that God and His Word have the correct answers and are the final authority, I think it would be hard to go wrong on that quest.
This morning we sang this song in church. The lyrics are below.
As we were singing it, I couldn't help but wonder how much I really meant what I was singing. This evening as I was journaling I reflected on it some more.....here's some of what I wrote.
Christ wants me to be holy and broken and faithful. But do I really want to be broken? Am I really willing to do what it takes to be holy? Am I ready to sacrifice my will for the sake of being faithful to the One who owns me?
Even when my heart's cry wants to say yes, my flesh wants to run the other way. I do want to be all Christ's. I know that's the only way to truly live with any real meaning. And yet, so often I still want to do my own thing, be my own person, go my own direction. It's moment-by-moment relying on God and dying to myself. Dying is hard---but I must in order to LIVE in the resurrection power of my Savior!
On that glorious day when I bow before His throne, I certainly won't look back and wish I had done more things that only brought earthly pleasure. On the contrary, I will wish I had been a better steward of the talents with which my Lord has entrusted me. If only I could always live with that end in mind!
Last summer was a lot like a roller coaster. I had many high points and more lessons – but I also had some deep lows and griefs, mostly from my main job. I don’t talk about particulars because I feel that would be gossiping. Suffice it to say I am no longer under any illusion that parenting is an easy job. I did post about it on a general level here.
The big picture theme for my summer was that my home church services were alive in a way I had never experienced before. I actually felt that they were profitable – that I wasn’t just going through the motions to be there. Now, that is not to say that they weren’t good before. I think the change was more in me than it was in the church. But I was thankful for the new me who appreciated church at a deeper level than before. I posted about some of the church services here and here.
Also, while the spring semester’s lessons had focused around the fact that I am loved and accepted by God, the summer focused on what that means on a very practical level. Over and over again all summer, I heard the question in my head: “Do you trust Me?” No matter how bad I thought things might be, no matter how hard it was, that question was the center. And God never failed me. That doesn’t mean I didn’t fail, but God was always there for me when I was willing to turn to Him. At the beginning of August, I wrote a post about it that also started hinting at what the theme of the fall semester would be. Another post expanded more on the theme.
But as part of the summer, God had another reminder planned about His love. The college group at my church went through Tim Keller’s Prodigal God video series. We also spent a relaxing weekend with our leaders at a lake house. While there were still struggles even there, God led me to read 1 John 4 focusing on love. There’s so much in that chapter about God’s love for us – I would encourage you to read it if you’re ever discouraged…or even if you’re not. It’s a convicting reminder that we are called to love as we have been loved, and that we do not need to fear anything because “perfect love casts out fear.”
My summer ended with an emotional rollicking kaboom – and although I was somewhat excited to come back to college and see all my friends I was already starting to dread what will happen after I graduate. After all, I was half way done! Which is why this semester's lessons have been so perfect.
