Broken Cisterns or The Spring

Caveat: This is something I’m in the process of learning….I don’t really know yet what it looks like to practice applying it! So I write this not because I have all the answers, but because I’m on the journey of discovery.

Recently, I had a heart-to-heart talk with one of my sister-friends. As I was prayer-journaling for her afterwards, part of a verse about broken cisterns came to mind…and I saw how it possibly related to her situation, but how it definitely related to mine.

I didn’t look the verse up to read the whole thing right away. I should have!!!!

Instead, I started writing about the process of repairing a leaking cistern—something I experienced at my house in Kasana, Uganda earlier this year. How the muck from years of use has to be cleaned out. How pick axes have to hammer away at the old cement coating for hours and hours, causing brokenness before the resurfacing can be done. How even after the repair work is finished, the cement has to cure for a couple days before the pipes can be reconnected for the cistern to start refilling. And how God has to send the rain.

I thought it was a great analogy that I wanted to share with all of you.

But then, the next morning when insomnia awakened me before dawn, I pulled my Bible off the shelf and opened to the actual passage. I read the whole chapter, but one verse is where I focused:

“For My people have committed two evils:
They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters,
And hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold no water.” Jeremiah 2:13

The problem is TWO-fold. It’s not just that the people are trying to rely on broken cisterns that can’t hold water. It is ALSO that they forsook God’s spring as the source that they SHOULD be relying on!!!

And so the real call here isn’t to put in the work and effort to repair the broken cistern, like I had thought it was the night before.

The call is to return to HIM!!! See Jeremiah 3:1b:

“‘But you have played the harlot with many lovers;
Yet return to Me,’ says the Lord.”

As I wrote in my quiet time journal, “The call is to leave behind the cistern method [completely] and tap into a spring!!!”

Paraclete reminded me of a couple passages from John where Jesus talked about a similar idea.

John 4:10 & 14 for one, of course! Jesus tells the Samaritan woman that He could give her living water, springing up into everlasting life.

And then John 7:37-39: The call for thirsty people to come to Jesus, that He would make their hearts flow with rivers of living water. Not the often nasty water from cisterns that isn’t safe to drink or cook with, because frogs and snakes and who knows what else have lived and died in it.

As I wrote, “The new covenant ain’t about repairing our broken cisterns!!! It’s about changing our water source completely. And John’s commentary on Jesus’ declaration is important: vs. 39—the promised river of living water is the Spirit of God—it’s a Person! Who indwells us and reminds and teaches us!!!”

That was all several days ago. What brought it back to mind and spurred me on to blog about it was last night at the church accountability group I’m part of. I can’t share about what was shared in the group, for confidentiality reasons. But as I was praying in the car on the drive home, Paraclete brought this concept back to mind.

Any time I am looking to counseling or therapy or a book or medication or anything else physically external to fix me, I’m trying to resurface my broken cistern and missing the real point.

That’s been a growing realization ever since I joined this group back in September. I’m not saying that ANY of those things I listed above are categorically bad. I am taking part in all of them, as I seek continued mental health/healing. BUT! If my faith is in any one of those things, or even in all of them collectively, that is misplaced faith.

I believe that every one of those things can be powerful and needed tools, like tools for gold working or surgical instruments. But it is GOD who is the great Craftsman/Surgeon—it is HE who must be the force behind doing the refining/healing work. And I must actively choose to surrender to Him and to yield myself to the process—and yet also to take part and be involved in it. God must do the work, but I must choose to practice applying what I’m learning.

Praying in the car last night, I just thanked Jesus for His amazing patience with me. Because I am such a slow learner!

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where relationships with other believers falls. I guess that it IS still a “mere” tool—but I think it is part of a trifecta of the most powerful tools: Bible reading/study/meditation, intentional/conversational prayer, and Spirit-led conversations with believers.

Because on Saturday, when I had spent the whole morning home alone, spiraling down into a depressed state faster than a coin in the final stage of a coin tornado, it wasn’t prayer or Bible reading that pulled me out of it. {I was trying to try those things, and they weren’t stopping the mental circles of self-talk.} It was my host mom coming home, seeing my distress, grabbing me in a hug, and praying for me. It was Lahash’s director and his wife coming over and spending a couple hours listening to me share my struggle and praying for me. It was talking to my accountability partner on the phone, sharing with her and listening to her share with me. It was talking to my parents, also on the phone, and sharing with them too.

Well….I didn’t know my blog post about cisterns vs. The Spring was going to include those last two paragraphs too! But there they are :)

And honestly I’m out of words now. Except for this: Please join me in praying for myself—and maybe for yourself too—that God will teach me how to put this idea of changing the water source I rely on into practice. And that I will do that hard work!!! Because it’s ME, making those moment-by-moment decisions, that can change my life. OF COURSE, I cannot do that in my own strength. It has to be Paraclete motivating and enabling me—just as John said in 7:39, it is HE (the Spirit) who is the river of living water!

So here’s to practicing living out the tension/balance of Philippians 2:12-13:

“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.”

May it ever be true of us.

The Love Circle

The first part of this is something I initially journaled during my commute to work a couple weeks ago. The latter part fell into place this morning during my extended reflective time with God.

“Esther, let Me love you.”

Those words from our Triune God have been re-echoing again and again in my mind since my birthday evening. And Paraclete {my favorite name for the Holy Spirit} has been helping me realize that, in a way, I don’t even know how to receive His unconditional love.

So it’s been something I have been praying/meditating about some. This morning it came back to mind again as I was in my prayer closet, trying not to fixate on a request I had read that morning via email. Paraclete took me back, once again, to Jesus’ Valedictory Address {John 13-17} and 1 John.

John 15:9-10 came to mind:

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My life, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in His love.”

I found myself wishing very much that Jesus hadn’t put that conditional statement in there!!! Because that’s what ends up becoming a trap to me, again & again & again—trying to feel like I have earned or deserve God’s love based on what I DO. It so easily becomes a point of pride and/or legalism. But there’s another critically important part of that verse! “Just as….”

Jesus’ example and His obedience of the Father are to be our model! And He doesn’t obey out of fear or because He is trying to earn God’s love. Jesus obeys because He is in perfect relationship with the Father and because of all the concepts we read about in Ministry in the Image of God: The Trinitarian Shape of Christian Service! {The first book we read here as part of the Servant Teams curriculum – somewhat dense, but really good with lots of practical application too!}

It’s like the heptapod language—all an interwoven circle.*

So Jesus obeys the Father because He loves Him and because They are eternally in perfect relationship {with Paraclete too, of course!!}. So love should be the driving force of our obedience, not fear & torment (1 John 4:18). But why do we love God? The very next verse tells us—because He first loved us (4:19)! And also 4:10—He showed His love for us by sending Jesus to be our propitiation (the conciliation, the act of making God favorably inclined, appeasing Him).

Abba’s love came to me through the death and sacrifice of Jesus. In my prayer closet this morning, Paraclete showed me that when I’m trying to earn/prove myself worthy of God’s love—by serving, going overseas, etc. etc.—I am acting like Jesus’ love & sacrifice were not sufficient…I am minimalizing the greatest act in all of history and acting like my filthy rags of righteous deeds (Isaiah 64:6) are better.

Oh Abba, forgive me for that egregious misconstrued view!!!

So we abide in God’s love by keeping His commandments out of a heart of love for Him, because He first loved us and reconciled us to Himself. See how it’s like a heptapod* circle??!!! Love is the goal, the means, and the catalyst!

And it’s all about You, Abba—it’s not about me or anything I could ever do.

Abba, I don’t know how to practice and apply this! But I know it is foundational and critically important—I know it’s a game changer if this lesson could sink deep into my heart and become my driving force! Again in my prayer closet, Paraclete reminded me that I can’t give what I haven’t received….

{And at that point I arrived at my destination!}

About a month ago, I joined a small accountability group at a local church here. We are going through a book called The Genesis Process together. It’s focused on helping people deal with the root causes behind addictions or other self-destructive coping behaviors. It keeps on bringing me back to this idea:

And then this morning I started working on the fourth process, and this is how it began:

I definitely learned this lesson the hard way in August 2016. That month, two men who were serving as leaders in both the organization and the church each had to resign because of moral shortcomings. The first one was an especially hard blow to me, as I had been welcomed into his home many times by him and his wife.

I remember crying in the staff meeting when his resignation was announced. And then I went home and sat on the floor of my room and sobbed for probably around 10 minutes. Grieving the brokenness of sin. Grieving the pain I was sure his wife was going through. Grieving my own hurt too. Fighting feelings of a guilt too complex to explain without sharing details of other peoples’ stories.

That day I was so tempted to make a vow of sorts—a vow never again to get so close to another family that I would open myself up to that kind of pain. A vow never to trust and admire someone as I had allowed myself to do with him—because such Christian familial love had wounded me deeply.

I thank God that I stopped myself from making that decision. I knew it was the wrong decision—a decision that would let the enemy win. And so I continued to grow in relationship with many other sisters and couples. But that wound still aches when I think of it. I think I allowed that and other things which began developing around the same time to plant a seed of hopelessness in my heart. I did my best to process and forgive….but somehow I think I closed off a little cupboard of bitterness inside my soul.

Fast forward back to today. Later in the morning, as I was outside processing through some other stuff, my mind made its way back to what I had read in The Genesis Process.

I wrote:

Love & wounding—both are always two-way streets. Except for with God. He is the only One who loves perfectly and never wounds unjustly—with the one, all-important exception of Jesus on the cross.

In a strange, miraculous way that only God could plan, that moment in human history was both the most unjust (towards Jesus, who had done nothing wrong), and yet also the most merciful & gracious & loving towards us—we who had broken all the relationships, who have done all the wounding, who deserve nothing but eternal judgment and yet receive nothing but unconditional love. Such beauty & brokenness at the same time!!!

Now a few hours later, those words bring to mind Hebrews 12:1-3:

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.”

And so I choose to continue opening myself up to love and, yes, even to the risk of human woundedness, because in so doing I am following in the footsteps of the most truly Human person who ever lived—our Savior, Jesus Christ. May His love in and through me glorify and magnify HIS beauty!

*To fully understand this analogy, you have to watch Arrival – it’s an alien film, but I found it to have deep theological undertones looking at it from a Biblical worldview! But to semi-explain the circle bit: Basically in that film, the aliens communicate through a written language made up of circles, with each circle being a phrase/sentence with multiple words...or something like that! See below for an example. The circle is formed by smoke from the heptapod's feet, and so the language is written with foreknowledge of the phrase/sentence as a whole.

Vulnerability, not Pretense

The Church is NOT a good works club, it IS a fellowship of grace! It’s NOT about what we do—period! All we have to do is to receive, openly & vulnerably; to be loved by Jesus. Works-based Christianity does NOT create sustainable faith!

The above paraphrase was the key point of the sermon I heard this morning—a sermon so good I sat through it twice! (I’m attending church with my hostess for the next several months, at Oak Hills Presbyterian Church here on the outskirts of Portland.)

Currently, the church is going through a sermon series on Acts, and this morning’s passage was about 4:32-5:11—the story of the early Church’s lifestyle of radical giving and the death of Ananias and Saphira. Jeremy (the pastor here) made the case that, at root, this passage is not really about money or giving. It’s about a deeper lifestyle choice: Pretense or Vulnerability.

The generous people, including Barnabas, showed their vulnerability by giving up their earthly security for the sake of others – demonstrating that the resurrection of Christ (4:33) had set them free from the self-protective hoarding of resources. The beneficiaries of this generosity also had to practice vulnerability, admitting to their church family that they were facing needs that they couldn’t meet on their own.

The power of Christ created a culture of radical openness and vulnerability for those who found their identity in HIM, rather than in trying to project a false image of themselves to others. Ananias and Saphira, however, made a show of spiritual heroism that was a lie – and for that they were severely punished….by death!

Jeremy talked about the word hypocrite, which comes from the Greek word for actor. In Greek culture, stage actors would wear masks to show their emotions—happy for a joyful scene, sad for a tragic scene, etc. With the masks, they projected what the scene required, while hiding what was really going on underneath.

He concluded his sermon, “the only way to receive grace is by being open and broken, trusting in God’s grace and being real with one another.”

This sermon really struck a chord with me where I am at spiritually right now. I have so very much to be thankful for, so very much to praise God for. But this year, and the past several years before, have each been the successively hardest year of my life. And so I want to share more about that here than I have so far. Not to illicit pity. Definitely not to brag on myself (quite the contrary!). But to testify of God’s Grace.

God has brought the above song to my mind multiple times in the past few months. This is who I want to be. Real and raw, yes, but for the purpose of allowing God to shine His Glory through my brokenness.

As those close to me know, most of this year has been an intense spiritual battle for me. In January I returned to my second home in Uganda, excited for another term…though also with reservations. Before I could even get back into my job at the office, I was hit simultaneously with insomnia, depression, and worse.

For the next six plus months, many days it was a struggle just to get out of bed. It felt like I was constantly fighting a losing battle with hopelessness. After two months with little maintainable progress, I resigned from my position in Uganda, said goodbye to the people who had become my family there, and returned home to Dallas. I’ve become ok over these past months with naming depression as one of my struggles. There were also other struggles I’m still not comfortable naming this publicly.....shame can be a strong enemy. [No physical or emotional harm was maliciously done to me.]

Suffice it to say, the fact that I am currently walking in relationship with God is in itself a testimony to God’s abundant Grace, lavish Love, and constant Pursuit towards me. He did this using so many amazing people both in Uganda, Dallas, and other places who didn’t give up on me…who kept loving me, praying for me, speaking truth to me, and fighting (spiritually) on my behalf. If I started naming names I couldn’t quit…so I won’t start, except to say that my parents are at the top of the list. :)

The fact that a month and a half ago I moved half way across the country, to a place where I personally knew no one; that I am now in an intense program of learning and serving, and that I am {mostly**} flourishing here—that is an unimaginable miracle of Christ’s mercy and transforming power.

When people hear about my life since graduation from college in May of 2013—most of that time spent rooted in the red soil of East Africa—they can quickly and easily tend to put me on a pedestal. I’m here to tell you today, I am NO super hero. I am not applying that title to myself—one well-meaning person has told me that missionaries, me inclusive, are. On the contrary, I am just as flawed and broken as anyone else….if not more so (in the spirit of Paul, expressed in 1 Tim. 1:15). Any good that has come of my life is all God’s Grace.

Yesterday morning, I spent more than three hours journaling…processing…praying…grieving. My Good Shepherd has led me on a road that has been full of both the very good and the very hard in these past five years, since I first knocked on the door labelled “Uganda.” But He has been with me every single step of the way, both on the sunny mountaintops and in the darkest of valleys.

This year’s breakdown didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s seeds were sown from my personality and character flaws…from circumstances and situations which affected me…from my failure to name what I needed and ask for help (at least not until it was too late, humanly speaking)…from organizational and personnel challenges. The pressure really started building in August of 2016…so it was a long time coming.

So that’s my practice at being open and vulnerable. And maybe very few people will take the time to read this. But I process best by writing, and so hopefully composing this blog post will better free my tongue in personal dialogue. Please feel free to ask me questions. Christ’s healing of my heart is finally bringing me to a place of being more willing to speak of these things. But these previous paragraphs are not the whole story.

Here is the “My Story” version:

Hope that wouldn't let go: My Savior never lost a grip on the wheel of my life, even when it looked to me like it was chaotically spinning out of control. And HE has restored my hope in Him, in His time and way.

Love that never gave up: These past three weeks, my Lover has been calling my heart to be willing to receive from Him and from others. Not that I should try to earn or deserve anything, simply to receive…and THEN to give.

Life, but it wasn't mine: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

The grace that is greater than all my sin: If I spoke of God’s Grace—in loving me and redeeming me from sin—for every hour of the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have time to tell it all.

When justice was served: But not to me; to the perfect, sinless Son of God. There are times I want to call “FOUL!” on my life, times I say I wish there had been justice in a given situation. But that’s only because I fail to remember what true justice really demands.

Where mercy wins: Every single day, every breath of my life, is as a result of the mercy of Christ.

The kindness of Jesus that draws me in: The opposite of what I in myself deserve…but He showers His kindness instead.

Victory over the enemy: The victory has already been won!! It’s not my battle to fight—it’s a gift the Christ already waged the war for, that I am simply to allow HIM to apply to and live out in my life.

Freedom that was won for me: Freedom from fear. Freedom from failure. Freedom to be known and to know. To be loved and to love. To be served and to serve. Freedom as a gift from Him, applied by Him, in and through this weak vessel.

Life overcome the grave: Our Savior is RISEN!!! And that resurrection power is at work in each and every one of His children!

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long.

One more thing that is finally getting through my thick skull: There WILL be more challenges in my future. More twists & turns in the road. More apparently deep, dark valleys. Maybe even tomorrow. But, Lord help me, when those times come I want to turn more quickly to Your Truth. To root my confidence deeply in You, not in my comfort or things going my way. To say with Mary, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to Your word” (Luke 1:38).

Please join me in praying that for me and, if you dare, maybe for yourself as well.

**Three weeks ago, I heard I had to leave my initial/temporary housing by the end of September. And that I couldn’t move into the house down the street—that I was sure was ideal—because of a logistical detail. My emotions and insecurities proceeded to throw an internal hissy fit. A night of zero sleep followed, and for several days the fear and despair and hopelessness came rolling back over me.

I’m so thankful to our team leaders and my team mates for supporting me through that. And I can now say I’m thankful it happened, because God used it as a catalyst to push me out of the comfortable coasting (from two months of almost all great days) and back onto the road of proactive, intentional healing. Also, in a stroke of divine irony, the new home I moved to, where I initially didn’t want to be, has been an amazing fit and a real gift. So I was fighting God, when of course He knew better all along!!

God's Love for Us

Yesterday was, I am afraid, another one of "those days."

Jill is back in the office with me starting Tuesday, which is wonderful! And I'm going home two weeks from today, which is also wonderful!! But yesterday, thanks to a few other things as well, the emotions started snowballing quickly and early.

I'm so thankful that God reminded me to lean on Him in that moment, because if He hadn't, I am not sure if I would have made it through the day. Without Him, I am so weak!

But I did make it through, all by His Grace.

When we got to our weekly staff fellowship in the evening, one of our staff members came to share with us what she had recently learned at a conference about how to counsel people. But instead of jumping in to a list of things we should do, she went back to the beginning: reminding us that love is the goal of counseling others, and that "We cannot do that unless we are receiving God's love into our hearts regularly."

So instead of talking at us about how to help others, she gave us verses to meditate on as we opened up our hearts to God's love for us. Afterwards, this is what I wrote:

I am a child of God--Beloved and Precious. The child of a Prodigal God,* One who will spare NO expense in redeeming His people. He did it at the time of the Exodus (Deut. 7:7-8), He pursued His people through generations (Jer. 31:3), and He did it again through Jesus (Rom. 5:8).

God spared no expense. He poured out the most precious thing in the entire Universe: the blood of His Son (John 3;16). Because He loved us, because He loved me. Not because of any righteousness I had done or could ever do---my father's father's father's father for generations existed only in God's foreknowledge when Christ chose & pledged to make that ultimate sacrifice (Eph. 2:4-5). It is ALL by grace, all by His lavished love (1 John 3:1).

Lord, open the floodgates of my soul to Your love. Saturate me with You--mind, heart, body & soul--so that when life squeezes me and jostles me, it is Your love which overflows.

*This idea comes from Tim Keller's book of the same name, in which he points out that the real meaning of "prodigal" is extravagant, although the "parable of the prodigal son" often makes us think of it in terms of wandering from home. In that book, Tim Keller shows how the parable is really about the Prodigal Father (God) who rejoices so much in us.

The Refiner’s Fire

{I just wrote this in my journal this morning, but felt I should share it here too. It’s all by His grace. Without Him, I am nothing.}

It’s been a month now since Jill fell and broke her arm. And it has been a hard, hard month. Of course there have been good moments and times when I have felt God’s blessings….but most of the time I have been stressed and/or frustrated.

I know that’s not the right response. I know I’ve got to trust GOD to work all things for Good and to {help me} live each moment righteously through Him….but my flesh so so so easily takes charge, I try to do it on my own, and I usually end up so angry that I’m nearly shaking {when things go wrong, when things happen that are outside of my control}.

Abba Father! I come to You because there is nowhere else to go. Abba, if there’s one thing I’m being confronted with every day here, it is that I am not in control. Father, I confess that my hunger for control is sin. It’s pride. It’s evidence of a failure to trust You.

God, I spent months {last year} asking You to break me, to strip away everything from my life that was not of You. I can feel the heat of the fire, Refiner of my soul. I can feel it and I want so badly to run away, to escape it.

Abba Father! Please don’t let me go! Please don’t let me pull away from Your sanctifying grasp. Abba, I beg You, please keep me – no, please make me to be humble and soft before You, my Master and my King of Glory.

For God, You are Good! And Father, I am thankful. Even though my flesh quivers as I write that….I am thankful to You. I thank You and praise You for Your grace, Your patience with my frail stumblings.

Jesus, You are the Christ. You alone have eternal life. And so, no matter what, help me soul to trust in You.

There is nowhere else—no one else to whom—I would rather turn.

Satisfy me in every moment with Your love, Your peace, Your grace. May Your indestructible Joy be my only strength.

For Your glory alone.

                Amen.

{As I finish typing this in and prepare to get ready for the day, I don’t want to leave this moment, this place of my soul. Because I know that there will be trials and temptations in this day, probably before I even reach the office and get this posted before starting work. And I forget so easily! But those next steps of physical life must be taken, and it’s an opportunity to trust God and to put my faith into practice. That’s how our Creator made life work. But He is also always there to turn to in prayer each moment. Live through me, Abba.}

God's Grace in my Brokenness

{I wrote this last Tuesday in the rawness of the moment. But I've kept coming back to in my mind...feeling that I should post it here. And so I share it with you, not because it puts me in a good light, but because it shows the Glory and Grace of my heavenly Father, that He would receive one such as me.}

It’s all gonna burn.

I can imagine myself torching my room in a moment of fed-up frustration and watching with a look of smug satisfaction as it all—every bit—gets reduced to ashes.

None of this STUFF lasts into eternity. And yet I’ve spent so so so much time in collecting this stuff. In organizing this stuff. In cleaning this stuff.

And for what end? Because in this stuff I trust? Because in this stuff I hold onto the past? Because this stuff carries my memories?

I’m struck again by the tension of living in the light of eternity vs. being too involved in the perishable things of this life.

It’s all gonna burn.

And as I try to answer the NHICF application question of what motivates me, the tears roll down my face. I reach out a tentative hand

“God, are You there?”

This time, this time at home. It’s supposed to be a time of preparation. It’s supposed to be a time of relating to people here, of reconnecting with them. Of gathering a support team so that I can return to ministry in Kasana.

But I’ve squandered so much. I wake with a headache so many mornings, because of staying up too late, usually binge watching my TV show addiction.

Last night I was watching as I finished cards…but the night before that, when I was up until 2 a.m.? There was no profit there.

“God, I want to stop running.” This is when the tears came. Because it feels like no matter how many times I come to this point, no matter how many times I say this, still I go back.

I am no different than the Israelites. They turn away. They forget the Lord who has done wonders among them. Even when it’s right in their face, still they question and go the way of their own stubborn hearts.

I say I want to go back to be in community with people. I say I want to touch the lives of others.

In the past two months, what have I done?

My life doesn’t start when my feet touch the Ugandan soil once more. My life is NOW.

And those choices I’ve been making NOW to indulge, to relax?

Those have been establishing patterns and addictions.

And yes, idols.

Distractions and stumbling blocks.

I know this. I know it all too well from years of experience.

And still. Still I go back. Still I wander away from the only One who is my root & anchor.

“Abba, please rip out this selfish heart of mine.”

“I’m sorry.”

There’s nothing else to say.

I feel the weakness of my own soul. I know the promises are vain on my lips.

How long until I fall back in? Maybe a week, maybe a day.

But the answer to that first question is yes. Yes, my God is here with me. He kneels beside me in my brokenness. He reaches out to touch my heaving shoulders.

Does He perhaps cry with me in my disappointment and regret?

But He doesn’t want me to stay there.

The broken self-heart turned to Him, yes. But not being stuck in the regret of the past.

Tomorrow is a new day, the next moment is a new opportunity.

And He extends that grace to me once more. Oh, but my heart trembles and fears the thought of taking unrighteous advantage of His grace.

I can do nothing.

I am no one.

But God.

But God offers unto us the resurrection power of Christ.

His work is available to change our hearts—to change my heart.

And each moment, every breath is a new chance to say no to self and yes to His conforming, redeeming work.

Abba, I confess my weakness to You. I confess that I am undeserving of Your grace. And yet I ask for it once again—I know there is no other place to stand. Paraclete, please renew Your Spirit within me. Guide me in Your ways, let me not go down my own selfish path.

Thank You that You can and will. To You be the glory.

{When I came back to my computer from eating lunch, I found this email waiting from a dear sister:

Hey,
I love you Esther Carey. I want to remind you that God's grace is enough today even in our weaknesses and mistakes. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1).
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7.
I'm telling this to myself too. Trust his power today.

My first thought was “wait, how did she know???” I hadn’t posted anything anywhere, but she spoke exactly the words I needed to hear. Praise the Lord J}

Sources of Satisfaction

In the past week/month, God has used a variety of things to call me out on something which has been an issue in my life for the past several years: Where am I looking for support & fulfillment & satisfaction?

Of course, I know what the answer ought to be – I should be looking to God for those things. But the reality is that over the last weeks/months/even a couple of years, I have been looking to the people around me. Back in high school, I was looking to myself—building walls keeping others out. Neither of these two personal realities is good on their own. I cannot satisfy myself, and other people cannot either. Only God can.

But that requires trusting Him, even when we know that His plans may take us through tough times. I don’t quite know how to articulate this….but in the past couple years my relational life has done a pendulum swing. I started in high school with not letting anyone in….in the middle of college I was maybe closer to a balanced center of finding love and satisfaction in the grace of God….and in the past year the pendulum swung to leaning too heavily on people around me.

Part of the latter is a symptom of the sinful distrust in God which has tried to sprout in my heart as things have not gone as I thought they should since graduation. It’s been a crazy year, full of roller coaster ups and downs. And especially in the months here in Uganda, I’ve been looking to individual people to fulfill my needs rather than truly finding my strength in God alone.

As I said in the first paragraph, God’s been giving me a wakeup call on that. He’s opened my eyes to better see the consequences of me seeking satisfaction primarily from other people. And writing this post isn’t to say I have it perfectly figured out. But I hope that in the coming weeks I will be less needy/demanding and more intentionally caring/loving toward those around me.

Early last month, I read the first chapter of a women’s devotional book[1] that I had “just happened” to find and download for my Kindle app. And it contained a message I greatly needed to hear…but even in the weeks between then and now I have been a very very slow learner in practicing what it taught/reminded me.

In that chapter, Beth Moore tells her readers that she has discovered “what makes life work.” Taking verses from Deuteronomy 7, Colossians 3, and Psalm 63, she challenges us to think about if we have truly taken God as our God, if He is truly our refuge and strength. We should yearn to have relationship and intimacy with Him, not out of a discipline or “have to” attitude, but because we hunger for Him.

“God made our souls to long for Him, and we are not fully satisfied without His presence in our lives,” she writes. She goes on to say that just because we have received salvation through Christ does not guarantee that we are choosing to receive our fulfillment from Him. We can be saved and yet still trying to “do life” by our own power.

She continues, “We are not satisfied by simply accepting salvation and then ascending to heaven when the time comes. Instead, God wants us to have a relationship with Him during our lifetime.” This is certainly something that I have struggled with, because (especially in high school) I often wished I could just escape this life and be done with it all. I just wanted to be home free, in God’s presence. But I’m not. I’m still here.

Rereading this chapter yesterday (when I wrote this) I was again convicted about how much I have tried the two “alternatives” she talks about: “subsistence living” (begging others to fill the vacuum only Christ was meant to fill) and “substitute living” (turning to idols rather than to Christ). Neither of which truly satisfies.

Her application is that we must daily make the choice to very intentionally seek the fulfillment of our needs from God, especially partaking of the food He has given us (His Word) and seeking to have that abide in us. It’s only then that we can be solid and secure, whether people are loving and helpful (which is still nice!) or whether people let us down (which they sometimes/often will, because they are human).

Beth Moore concludes that God’s love is totally unconditional and perfect, and it is better than life (Ps. 63:3). God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us – and that’s why we know that He can be trusted to supply our daily needs. All we need to do is ask!

The weekend before I read this chapter, I had come across this blog post about hungering for God. As I read this young woman’s raw writing, I felt my own heart convicted…and so I began to pray a similar prayer. But in the weeks since then, as God has allowed a variety of circumstances which have tested my response, over and over I have thrown self-pity parties or gone running to people rather than turning to Him. And that is a sin against Him (and others) which I have had to confess this week.

And even though this week has been another hard week, following up on weeks and months of challenges, changes, uncertainties….this time He got my priorities a little straighter. I went to God first. Did it still hurt/cause confusion? For sure. Did I still cry while talking to my mom on the phone about stuff? Oh yeah, I did. Is it still a battle not to be consumed with questioning “why???” or “what if?” and trying to figure out how to make things work my way? Yes, it definitely is.

But I was also able to come to a place—at least for one moment the other morning—where I submitted myself in prayer to whatever God has. And where I found peace in Him. And I pray that I can continue to abide in the Truth and security I found in that moment, no matter how the storms may rage. Because He is the only valid source of true satisfaction.

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[1] A Woman and Her God, ©2003 – each chapter by a different author

The Trust Test

Since I know that God is good, will I be willing to trust Him to do what is best—first for His glory, but also for myself and each of His children?

That question has been developing in the background of my mind a LOT over the past year. And in the past nine months—full of ups and downs and unexpected turns—a lot of my times of tears and frustration (and there have been many….) have resulted from the answer to this very important question being “no” in my practical, daily life/thoughts/attitude.

If you want all the background and the long explanation that demonstrates my “context” strength,[1] I was halfway done writing it before I remembered that looking back and being stuck in the past can also be part of my problem. This blog started with Philippians 3….and part of that is “forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (vs. 13b-14). At the same time, God does tell His people over and over to “Remember” what He has done. I’m just not always good at maintaining a balance there.

Enough about me. In this case (or at least for this post), I’m going to work harder to error on the side of leaving the past behind and just talk about the Truth and the present. But mentions of the past will creep in, and I may post the “full” backstory another day.

A couple Saturdays ago, I was blessed with a beautiful time of meditating on God’s Word and fellowshipping with/worshipping Him. We needed to have a long talk, so I headed out to the Enterprise farm and stayed there for a couple hours. During that time, He brought together ideas from a year ago and ideas from the past couple months, and it’s like someone had fit a bunch of tiny puzzle pieces together and then zoomed out to show a more complete picture as a result. And today God brought me back to that picture again.

I struggle with demanding “why??” of God. Over the past year, He has been in the process of calling me out on that and instructing me to trust Him. And He has been bringing healing to some old, deep wounds that I had tried to stuff and ignore for a long, long time.

To quote from my journal entry that Saturday morning, even though mistakes and bad things will happen in life, “God will use and redeem all situations (past, present, and future) for the Ultimate Good: His Glory. We are called to walk in humility in light of that truth (Micah 6:8 and the labyrinth walk almost exactly a year ago), and we do NOT have the right to demand “WHY?” in a self-centered way.”

My mind flew to the verse about “does the clay have the right to ask of the potter, ‘why have you made me like this?’” That’s the Esther paraphrase, so it took a little searching to find it….but thankfully I did, in Romans 9:20-21:

“But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why have you made me like this?’ Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor?”

My journaling continued: “That’s the key. And suddenly so very many pieces from the past months and years fall into place. Yes, that truth is very Calvinistic. But it is true, and in the end it’s what brings peace to my stirred-up heart….And it is in the Ultimate Truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty that I can REJOICE,” referring to Philippians 4:4 which “just happened” to be printed on that page of my journal.

Yesterday morning before church I had already felt that like writing this post. And then in church, we sang this song that says, in part, “We love You Lord, we worship You / You are our God, You alone are good.” That brought together so perfectly my Enterprise farm time and my island reflections that I couldn’t not write about it.

Because it’s certainly not a mistake that those passages—“all things work together for good,” we are predestined to be “conformed to the image of His Son,” and “O man, who are you…?”—are in such close proximity (Romans 8:28-29, 9:20-21). Paul recognized that this was a hard thing! In fact, his topic in Romans 9 (Israel’s rejection of God) brought him “great sorrow and continual grief in [his] heart” (9:2). He was probably preaching to himself just as much as to his audience when he wrote about the potter having power over the clay.

He longed and yearned with all his being for his brethren and fellow countrymen to recognize the truth he wrote of in 8:37-39 – that nothing can separate us from the love of God. In 1 Corinthians 9:19-27, which was preached on yesterday, he talks about the lengths to which he was willing to go for just such a purpose. {I confess that my life is deeply lacking of a similar concern.}

So knowing the truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty does NOT mean that suddenly I am happy-go-lucky and without a care in the world. It also does NOT mean that my freewill decisions and actions are without effects/consequences. Another part of the song above references this too:

You asked Your Son to carry this,
The heavy cross, our weight of sin.
I love You Lord, I worship You;
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.
I give my life to honor this:
The love of Christ, the Savior King.

My brain is kind of going in circles (that’s what happens when I don’t plan these out before writing)…because that takes us right back to Romans 8:37-39, which is why we can claim to be “more than conquerors through Him who loved us,” not through our own striving, effort, or strength.

The past couple weeks, as it has felt like I have made a huge mess of things, this is the only thing I know I can hold onto—that even when I have acted in my own self-interest….or that even when trying my hardest to do what is right and best has seemed to back fire instead—that even there in the midst of my mess Christ is standing before God, who still sits on the throne. And God sees in me Christ’s righteousness. And it is all undeserved grace and forgiveness. And it is beautiful.

Do I wish I had made different decisions so that there would be different results now? For sure. If I could rewind the clock and redo things, I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t. What I am given charge of is the present, going forward from this moment. And in so many ways it’s depressing to know that tomorrow or the next day….or even right now or later tonight….I will make mistakes again.

And I definitely do not want to be flippant and say “Who cares if we sin! There’s grace!” (Romans 6:1, Esther paraphrase). But I do tend to “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” and get stuck in guilt. Some second cousins of mine taught me a great old-style song that combats the former so well. Give it a listen here!

At the same time, I do need to be careful in what I say and do, and I must rely on the Holy Spirit’s strength and wisdom and not my own…. So much harder to do in the moment than it is to say and know and believe. But, by the grace of God, we “press on,” trusting the One who began the good work and promises to complete it (Philippians 3:12, 1:6). And amazingly, He promises to use all things for His glory and the good of each of His children—in His eternal economy.

That is where my faith and confidence and trust are to rest, even if (when) the results do not look like I wish they did in this life. No matter what, God is good all the time.

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[1] According to my results this summer from the Gallup “StrengthsQuest” inventory, this is my #1 strength. The poll’s “Quick Reference Card” describes it as follows: “People especially talented in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.”

Giving up CONTROL pt. 2

A week ago, I was in Siloam Springs visiting my college friends for a long weekend. I decided to go ahead and go to the Gathering, although I ended up coming in a little late. I “just happened” to find an empty seat right in front of Laura, one of my dearest JBU friends. God knew I needed to be there, and He made sure she was right there.

The student speaker talked about serving God, as a kick-off message for the JBU service groups. And honestly, it made me really frustrated. Not because of what he was saying, but because of what I was feeling.

Back in July and August, I felt like God was leading me toward something that was much much bigger than me. I had an idea of how I was going to serve God, and I really wanted it to work out in my timing. I knew it would be hard – really hard in many ways. But I also knew that if God opened those doors, He would provide the resources and the strength for me to carry it out.

I thought I was willing to make that sacrifice, to take that step of faith. Instead, the door closed—at least for now—just as the door to applying for the job I had been filling during my internship opened up. That was a huge process in and of itself! But by the time I sat in chapel last Sunday, it seemed obvious that God was leading me toward SP and not toward the other opportunity. Which is why the chapel talk annoyed me. Here I had been willing to put myself through a lot to go and serve God. And He had shut the door! What was up with that? We’re supposed to serve God and all that, so why did He close it down??

Yes, that feeling really is as immature and selfish as it sounds. I think part of it is that I wanted to serve God on my terms, in a way that would draw attention and praise to myself. I wasn’t consciously thinking that….but it probably played a subliminal role.

God had been clear though – that chance was a definite “not now.” So I had applied and interviewed for the job before I left my internship, two weeks before my visit to JBU. And in my mind, it was obvious what ought to happen next. God had clearly led me to the internship, and He had finally brought me to a place where I felt good about staying on there and looked forward to returning to the roots I had started putting down for the past two months.

When the speaker finished, the band came up and played “Oceans” by Hillsong. I had never heard the song before, but man it sure hit me right between the eyes. As I’ve said before, for quite a while God has been teaching me about trusting Him and surrendering my plans to His. And this song really summed it up. And I didn’t know whether or not I could sing it. I knew in the back of my head that I may or may not actually get the job from SP. And here God was, asking me to surrender my plans and expectations to Him, to come to a place “where my trust is without borders.” I didn’t want to say it, because I didn’t want to mean it.

I like knowing what’s going on and what I’m doing. I don’t like change, I despise the unknown. I want to be in control of my own future, partly as a defense mechanism from 10-year old baggage that I know is not healthy and that I’m trying to let go of. And this summer, God has been working in mighty ways to show me that I cling so hard to the control because I don’t trust Him to take care of me and protect me. I don’t trust Him to have my best at heart because of how He’s let things hurt me before. And that’s hard for me to admit out loud.

So I sat there as most everyone else stood and sang. I sat and I wrestled and I cried. Because I was not willing to give up my {albeit false} sense of control. I didn’t want to go “wherever You call me” – I wanted to go back to SP where I had finally become comfortable after two long, hard months.

But He kept asking—gently and yet insistently—for me to lay it down. And I was scared. Scared that if I did, He would just slam the SP door shut in my face too. But deeper down inside, I knew that His plan would be better—even if it wouldn’t be to my ideal liking.

As I wrestled, my mind flashed back to the previous night. I had gone to the Swing Dance Society’s first swing dance evening of the semester. I don’t really know how to dance – I don’t think of myself as a very well-coordinated dancer. But the several guys who had asked me to dance with them had all been patient teachers. They put me through the paces pretty quick, trying to teach me several of the basic moves. And I had to trust them. I didn’t know what I was doing, or where I was going when they initiated a step. I just had to pay close attention to their explanations and/or the signals they made by gently tugging on one arm or the other. A lot of times, I made mistakes. Many times, I also made assumptions about what their next moves were going to be, and sometimes that got me in trouble.

As those thoughts flashed through my mind, I could see the relation between the two—trying to learn swing dance and deciding to trust Christ’s plan for my life. Pardon the analogy, but it’s as though God was holding out His hand, asking me if I would like to dance. Would I trust Him enough to place my hands in His and listen to His leading and guiding? Or would I jump to conclusions and try to do things my way, which typically ends up in me being at the wrong place in the step?

In the end, I had to give in. God thankfully has a tight enough hold on my heart that I could not truly refuse His request, even though my fleshly desires didn’t want to let go of my supposed control. The second song we sang was “Rise,” also by Hillsong. It focuses on praising God. I didn’t want to stand up and sing that song either. I wanted to stay “stuck” in a place of pitying myself for what I had to lay down.

And that too was very selfish. Who do I think I am??? Even Jesus had to submit His desires to God. And even He didn’t think it was an easy or flippant thing (see the Garden of Gethsemane!). But even He—God’s own Son—humbled Himself and submitted to one of the hardest and cruelest forms of death man has ever created (see Phil. 2). And we’re right back to the same perspective thing I was talking about in my previous post.

It’s God’s glory that matters. And thanks be to His grace and patience – He’s not going to give up on me until He has stripped me down of my selfish ambitions and pride. And no, it’s not a fun process. But He is worth so very much more. And in the good moments, I can remember what truly matters. And it’s not what I’m going to be doing at any point in the future.

Laura was wonderful and sat with me for a while afterward – we talked about letting go of the past. She came up with several good analogies that helped explain how I was feeling J She’s the best J

And you know what? I was right. God did end up shutting the SP door too. I got the call Thursday that they picked someone else. Last Sunday night helped me be prepared for that, but it’s still been hard. Friday especially I was really frustrated with God for not coming through on this and doing things my way. There were definitely lots of tears and some internal yelling going on. And I don’t confess that lightly. I forget His lessons soooo easily……

But He is still faithful, and His plan remains unchanged—His plan to bring Himself glory and to conform me to the image of His Son. To the praise of His glorious name.

"Whatever You're Doing...."

I’m tired of travelling. I want to arrive already. To be mature. To know. To get to the peak.

And I know that’s not going to happen. I know that my life will continue to be a journey, that I will always always have more to learn and more areas to grow. But it’s hard to let go of that expectation that someday, finally, I’ll have arrived and not have to worry about learning and being willing to accept more changes.

If you’ve been following my life at all this summer, you know I’ve had a roller coaster time of it. Graduating. N.Ireland. Fast transition to North Carolina and SP internship. And now the rest of my life stands before me. I think that so far this calendar year I’ve literally been home in Dallas for less than a month. Well, maybe it’s been as much as six weeks. But especially since May, I’ve been constantly on the go. Four places I’ve come to call home, even for a short time. It’s a lot for someone who doesn’t much like change. And it’s definitely wearing on me.

And yes, this feeling is aggravated by the fact that I am currently sitting in an airport where I ended up with a three-hour wait time for my flight back to Dallas. And that there’s still so much I don’t know about the future. I’ve applied for a job with SP that I really hope to get (man was that ever a journey in itself!!!), but it will probably be several weeks before I find out if they decide to offer me the job or give it to someone else.

It’s been a hard summer in a lot of ways. Just crazy, really. And I can’t tell you how much I have appreciated the friends who have been there to listen to me trying to process through everything that’s been going on. It’s been a yo-yo time a lot, and I know that the prayers of many people are what helped bring me through.

God has been so incredibly, amazingly faithful. And I can recognize that. He has been at work in my life in mighty ways. But it hasn’t been easy. Last weekend I bought a decorative sign that says “FAITH makes things possible… not easy.” Boy, isn’t that the truth. And so I guess I’m writing all this for a couple reasons. One, to admit to the world what is obvious: That I don’t have a handle on life—that I’m still learning and growing, that I still have a long ways to go. Two, to remind myself of God’s faithfulness and how He has proved Himself over and over; that HE will continue to refine me through each step He brings. Three, to see how far God has brought me, and to give myself room for improvement and to have patience with the continuance of the process.

For months, I had been praying that God would break me, would refine me into who He wants me to be. I knew it was a “dangerous” prayer. But I knew it is what I was called to as a Christ-follower, and it really is the deepest, truest wish I have. I knew the process would be hard. And it has been. God has definitely been answering that prayer. I think maybe I expected to “graduate” from that lesson a lot quicker. And I’m realizing the only graduation that will ever come is when I truly get to go home, promoted to glory, to see God face to face.

Yesterday at work as I tried to process through all the last-day emotions which crowded my mind, one line of a song popped into my head: “Whatever You’re doing, fulfill it in me” is how I remembered it. I knew it was from a Christian song, that I must have heard a time or two on the radio or something. This afternoon sitting here in the airport, I looked it up to read the lyrics and then listened to it. And it so completely fits what I’m feeling right now.

Over the past year, and even yesterday afternoon, God has brought me to a place where He has shown me the areas in my life where I am still afraid to trust Him, because of a whole variety of factors, including some past baggage that I’d been stuffing for a long, long time. And it’s still hard to let go of that sense that I need to stay in control, that only I can bring about the “safety” I desire and the goals that I want to reach.

Yes, the attitude I subconsciously had about trusting God for a long time was not healthy. In fact, it is sin. And yesterday, thinking about the fact that when I left work for the last time at the end of my internship I didn’t know if I would come back….I had to admit to myself and to God that I did not want to trust His plan in that. There’s a plan that seems so right and perfect to me, but I cannot make that happen on my own.** It has to be God’s will in order for it to go forward. And I am not enjoying the waiting or the trusting that is, by necessity, involved in that process.

But you know what? God is good. And whatever He has, wherever He takes me, I know that will be good. Probably not easy, and not necessarily my first choice. But good. And I am thankful to Him that He has brought me to a place of at least recognizing my distrust as sin and reminding me again and again that in each moment, each situation, He calls for trust and surrender.

Because He is worthy. And that’s another piece of this that He has been bringing to my attention again and again in this season: The sin and selfishness of my natural tendency to focus on myself and what I will be doing rather than to be focused on Who God is, and the importance of focusing on His Person and Glory. I’m “lucky” (blessed) simply to be a tool, a channel. I’m not the source, I’m not the end goal. He is both.

To Him be the glory.

**sound vaguely familiar? Check out Prov 16:9, 25.

Building Confidence

I’ve been writing and rewriting this post in my head for several months. And somehow, tonight just feels right to actually write it. So here goes {deep breath}. But first, let me introduce you to two girls.

Eleanor was not a typical teenager. Sure, she had dreams and ambitions like any young person…but she had also been through a set of experiences which made her unique. Everyone has, but Eleanor’s life made her think that was more so the case in her instance than in the general populations. After all, how many “normal” 13-year-olds can lay claim to the adventure of living in a different country for 6+ months??

Of course, not all the experiences which shaped Eleanor’s personality were positive. She was a very reserved/withdrawn person. She was not inclined to go hang out with friends. She frankly hated the phone (I don’t know why). The friends she did have were all, like her, super focused on and rather overwhelmed by school. Eleanor was a pretty private person. She didn’t share herself—especially her weaknesses/failures—easily with anyone. Not anyone. If she knew I was sharing this, it would make her very uncomfortable.

On the other hand is Ellie. She just graduated from college. She’s also not a “regular” American 20-something. The ideas of either clothes shopping for fun or spending long periods of time getting hair and makeup perfect are—quite frankly—very confusing to her. Ellie is an introvert, and once in a while if she feels too lost in a big group of people she can just go into shut down mode. She’s a perfectionist, and expects a lot of herself—she wants to do things well. In some ways, Ellie is pretty similar to Eleanor.

But at the same time, they are dis-similar. Ellie needs her alone time, but she also needs time with her friends. And that can be either on Skype, texting, or in a phone conversation! In college (especially the last two years), Ellie frequently made the choice to toss her homework aside for “later” while she spent time with friends. That’s something Eleanor couldn’t conceive of. Ellie also values other people’s input, and she is more willing to share about what she struggles with. She often finds herself questioning what other people think of her—but she has close friends who she trusts completely and with whom she finds it easy to be open.

So here we have these two different people. But if you know me very well, you probably picked up on the fact that these are not actually two separate girls. It’s just me, though at two very different times of my life. It’s amazing what a difference 5+ years can make. And believe me, it’s been quite the process. And not always a fun one, that’s for sure. But as I look back, I am thankful for where God has brought me and how He has grown me.

I’ve noticed just in the past 6ish months that I have become a lot more confident—I think in a good way. Last summer, when I interned in DC, my supervisor’s main negative critique on a feedback form was that I was hesitant to step up and introduce myself to people. Now, I certainly don’t claim to have reached perfection on that. As I said above, I’m still an introvert. But I am currently on my second work trip where I go to a location and have the job of interviewing people most of whom I have never met before. (True, I was freaking out/worried about it before Joplin…but that trip went amazingly well and gave me a big confidence boost!) Not to mention that when I came to this job, I knew basically no one. Are there still moments when I am not as outgoing as I sometimes wish I were? Oh yeah, for sure. Ellie is still a perfectionist with high self-expectations! And it’s still an area where I can grow.

But that’s not the only type of confidence I’ve grown in. I’ve also learned to be more self-confident, especially in the area of opening up to the people I trust and sharing my bad times in addition to the good times. And I’ve learned the immense value of friends who will take time to meet you where you’re at and join you on the journey, wherever life has you at the moment. I didn’t have that before I came to college. It wasn’t the fault of the friends I had, it was much more my fault. I didn’t really let any of my friendships in high school get past a pretty shallow “safe zone,” because I didn’t trust people—not anyone specifically, I just didn’t trust anybody in general.

Including God. Which is still hard for me to admit. I only just realized that component of it in January, when the professor for my “Capstone Seminar in Christian Life” class asked us to write “Here I Am” papers discussing our spiritual biographies. Well…I had started to be aware of it a couple months prior when one day, reading through Psalm 139 I realized that I couldn’t say verses 14 and 16 with belief and conviction. Then in January I realized when the breakdown had begun. There was still a lot of hurt and pain I was holding onto—and still am sometimes—a truth I only started realizing fully in April. One day that month, tears flowed as I finally came to grips with and grieved the emotional/spiritual damage done nearly 10 years before to my young self.

To explain the source of that would take too long here…and it would require telling a tale that is 90% not mine to tell. Suffice it to say that although it was not my personal actions or choices which caused the vast majority of what happened, it 100% had an effect on shaping who I am. It deeply impacted me, my family, and other people. And it was hard. And it was painful. And I still feel the resulting wounds. No, I was not a helpless victim in the process. I chose how I responded and acted, and even though I was only 13 at the time and didn’t understand what was happening or how it was affecting me, I am still responsible for the choices I made. {Just to clarify, I was never directly targeted or physically harmed in any way. This was not a physical incident at all, it was “only” relational. And I was a fairly uninvolved bystander who was nevertheless heavily affected by the fallout.}

I now believe that it was my disappointment that God didn’t “fix” everything and put it back to the way that it had been which led to my spiritual “dark age” of 2003 and beyond. And I believe it was my resulting trickle-down distrust of people—in addition to personality tendencies such as perfection—that led to me building a fortress stronghold all around my heart. If I didn’t let anybody in, I couldn’t get hurt, right? If I guarded my emotions and didn’t tell anyone what I struggled with, I would be safer, wouldn’t I? Looking back, I think that’s what my unconscious thought process was.

This obviously affected my whole life—all of my relationships. God, parents, friends—I tried to keep all at a safe distance, tried to make sure that I always only put my best foot forward. It was emotionally and spiritually exhausting, and I felt so very lonely. But for such a long time, I didn’t realize where the breakdown had occurred. Oh, I knew there was a problem. I just didn’t know how to fix it. And my way (trying harder) was NOT working.

But God didn’t leave me there. Finally, on Jan. 25, 2011 His message of GRACE broke through loud and clear. It has still often seemed like a long/tedious/difficult/painful process since then…but once God got my vertical relationship onto the foundation that it should be on, my horizontal relationships also started shifting.

August 28, 2009 was my second day of classes at John Brown University as a pretty clueless freshman. It was also my first regular chapel, the first of many many in my undergraduate career! But I will always remember that chapel. President Pollard spoke, as he always does on the first chapel of the semester. He shared from John 9, about the miracle where Jesus spit, made mud to put on a blind guy’s eyes, and told him to go wash in the pool of Siloam. The name of the town that came to be a second home over the next four years is Siloam Springs, after that pool.

At that early date, I was still clueless about how much healing God was going to do in my life. In fact, I didn’t realize how much healing I needed. Looking back at John 9 tonight, I noticed something I hadn’t connected before. In verse 7, John tells us that “Siloam” meant “sent.” I don’t know that I’ve really blogged about it before…but I was definitely sent to JBU—even though I didn’t recognize it as that at the time. I honestly went to the school because a friend at church “just happened” to suggest I look into it, and it’s where I ended up receiving the best financial aid package from, plus having the major I wanted to pursue. I only applied to three schools – so it’s not like I really looked into that many options. But I firmly believe God sent me to exactly the right place!

During my last semester this past spring, as this realization was growing in my mind, I noticed a sign that perfectly summed up why JBU is now such an important part of my life. A couple days after graduation, a good friend of mine from church took me out to Fayetteville for breakfast. As we came back into town, I asked if we could stop to take a picture by the sign. She was kind enough to oblige J

So that’s my story. But it’s really not my story. It’s a story of what GOD has done in my life, through the work of a whole variety of influences. And I can now say that I am thankful for all of it—the parts which were good and beautiful, and even those parts that I don’t understand and which were/still are painful to remember.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And He is ALWAYS faithful to do His work!

Learning to Give Thanks for Trials

I am currently making my way through 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Myers. This morning, the selection I read was really important for me to hear....this is definitely something that is still very "in process" in my life.

Thank You, my gracious and sovereign God, that You have been with me and carried me from the day of my birth until today...that You have known my whole life, from beginning to end, since before I was born...and that You wrote in Your book all the days that You ordained for me before one of them came to be.

Thank You that in Your gracious plan to bless and use me, You've allowed me to go through hard times, through trials that many people go through in this fallen world. How glad I am that You're so good at reaching down and making something beautiful out of even the worst situations! How encouraged I am when I think how You did this for Joseph...how his brothers hated and abused and betrayed him, and how You worked these things out for blessing, both for Joseph and his family and for countless other people.

I praise You that the things that happened in my past, both enjoyable and painful, are raw materials for blessings, both in my life and in the lives of others. So I thank You for the specific family (or lack of family) into which I was born and the opportunities You did or did not provide. And thank You for the things in my past that appear to be limitations, hindrances, bad breaks...the wounds of old hurts, the unmet emotional needs, the mistakes or neglect of other people--even their cruelty to me, their abuse.

How comforting to know that in all my distresses You were distressed. And how I thank You, Lord Jesus, that on the cross You bore my griefs and carried my sorrows, as well as my sins...that I can kneel at the cross and worship You as the One who took on Yourself all my pain and experienced it to the full. And how comforting to know that in the present, day by day, You feel with me any pain, confusion, inner bondage, or struggles that stem from my past. Thank You that all those seeming disadvantages are a backdrop for the special, unfolding plan You have in mind for me...and that if my past still handicaps me, You are able to lead me to the kind of help I need.

I'm so grateful that all my past circumstances were permitted by You to make me see my need of You and prepare my heart for Your Word...to draw me to Yourself, and to work out Your good purposes for my life. I rejoice that You are the Blessed Controller of all things--You are now, You will be throughout the future, and You always were. All my days had Your touch of love and wisdom, whether or not I can as yet fully see it.

And Lord, I choose to look beyond my past and present troubles in this life--this temporary life--and fix my eyes on the unseen things that will last forever. I praise You for the eternal glory these things are piling up for me as I choose to trust You.

Good stuff.....may I remember and hold onto the truths contained in this.