Singing Be Thou My Vision in Saul Church, St. Patrick’s
first church in Ireland, with our missions team felt so special. Because I love
that old hymn, I wasn’t content with the first verse. I led out on all the
verses.
Fast forward nine years. I was in the same place with the
same team leader, this time on a friendship retreat. When it came time to sing,
she specified that we’d only sing the first verse.
I was crushed. Not just because of what she said, but
because of what she didn’t say. I felt like her request was a direct critique
of my choice the first time. A memory that had been full of peace and joy from
my first trip became tainted with regret.
Regret.
Such a beast it is, and so hard to get rid of once it takes
root in a memory.
This past week I’ve been wrestling that very beast. The
enemy’s been bringing up instances in which I didn’t do something perfectly or
did something wrong. To be honest, I can’t remember even one example other than
what I opened with.
I talked with my counselor about this on Friday, and he gave
me a good process to help work through those feelings: Identify the mixture
(Bad? Sad? Mad?), grieve as needed, confess sin to God, and forgive myself by agreeing
with God’s forgiveness of me.
Then on Saturday, Paraclete took a turn.
If I ask you what Romans 3:23 says, I’m quite sure you could
quote it:
“…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…”
But what if I ask you what the next verse says? Do you know
that one as well?
YouVersion had both verses as their verse of the day
on Saturday. And even though I know I’ve read Romans 3 multiple times in my
life, I was blown away by verse 24:
“…and are justified by His grace as a gift, through the
redemption that is in Christ Jesus…”
I put ellipses on both ends of each of those verses because
this section (vs. 21-26) is one of Paul’s famous run-on sentences. And it’s not
all about the bad news of vs. 23. It’s chock-full of amazing, good news!
Yes, the bad news is important to know. It’s valid to
teach to ‘children’ of all ages (including adults). But if we don’t give them
the rest of the passage – that God’s righteousness comes to us through belief
and faith in Christ’s redemption – vs. 23 alone is a depressing, guilt- and
regret-filled statement, that may lead to striving and legalism.
We need the whole passage:
21 But now the righteousness of
God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the
Prophets bear witness to it— 22 the righteousness
of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there
is no distinction: 23 for all have sinned and
fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are
justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in
Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward
as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to
show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed
over former sins. 26 It was to show his
righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier
of the one who has faith in Jesus.
Look at the repeated themes!
Vs. 23 is a blip on the screen, to shore up the argument
Paul develops that “there is no distinction” between Jews and Gentiles. Yes,
it’s an important, theologically sound blip. But this passage is about so much
more than the bad news. It’s full of hope, not of regret.
So the next time the enemy tries to rankle your soul with
thoughts of something you did wrong (or even just imperfectly) in the past,
listen for what the Holy Spirit says instead. You are righteous by Christ’s
redemption, received by faith. If Paraclete is the one prompting you to work
through something legitimate, do it! But don’t just wallow in regret like I
have for six years since that second trip to Ireland. Be free of past mistakes
in Christ!
When I was getting ready for the day yesterday, this song played on my Pandora. I'd heard it a few times before, but in the context of what I'd been learning, it really hit home!
In my car, the radio is pretty much always on to 94.9 KLTY, a local Christian station. It feels like in different seasons there's a song that plays every time I get in the car, even if it's just my 10-minute commute to work.
Recently, it's been this song:
Initially, I honestly resented this song a bit. The past three years have been challenging for me spiritually, not something I've usually been willing to rejoice & praise God in. And now, with my upcoming (Lord willing) visit to Uganda, all that heart crud that can usually hide beneath the surface is getting stirred up.
But on my way home from ministry group (church small group) this evening, as I got close to my parents' house where I needed to pick up a couple things, this song played again. And this time, Paraclete showered down grace---and I received the song with a heart of hope. As I listened to this song, I found myself hoping and praying. I found myself begging God, "Please let me see that song be true in my life next month!"
But then I wondered why I felt like I needed to beg God for that and plead with Him to make it come to pass. Isn't that exactly what He desires to do, to heal, to redeem?
And so by grace & in faith I intentionally shifted my prayer---"Lord, give me the humility to receive Your healing!" And I knew I needed to dust this blog off and report on what God is doing, the seed He is planting in my heart of positive change.
It's like the chives & hibiscus plant in my garden here at my new place. Last weekend when I went to plant the small hibiscus shrub I had bought several week before, I first cleared the area of weeds, mostly chives that had been allowed to run wild. Or at least I thought I cleared it!!
When I started digging the hole "as deep as and slightly larger than the pot," guess what I found right beneath the surface? A matted, entangled, enmeshed network of chives roots & bulbs. I threw away the top three inches of soil, because I knew I didn't want those roots back in the hole with my poor hibiscus plant!!
The lies I believed They got some roots that run deep
I let em take a hold of my life
I let em take control of my life
The same is true with secreted resentment and bitterness. They're like the chive roots that have already sprung back up all around my hibiscus plant, that parts where I didn't dig those three inches deep to dig them out.
But God.
Standing in Your presence Lord
I can feel You diggin' all the roots up
I can feel Ya healin' all my wounds up
All I can say is hallelujah
Look what You've done
It's my hope and prayer that in the next month, as I spend two weeks with my dearly loved Ugandan sisters (towards whom I hold no hard feelings) and the others (some of whom I have struggled to forgive), that God will do just this.
Will the process be fun? Probably not always.
Will it be worth it? I believe so, definitely.
Please join me in praying the truths of this song over me in the coming four weeks!!!
The past week has
brought yet another change, an unexpected turn. On Monday morning, facing what
had rather suddenly become my last day to go into the Lahash office, Paraclete
gave me a couple words that I knew must be a Bible verse—about God not letting
our feet be moved. A quick concordance search later, I found it in Psalm 66:9. That
branched out into a three-day study of the whole chapter. Here are my thoughts
on it :)
66:1 “Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!”
66:2 “Sing out the honor of His name; Make His praise
glorious.” I need these reminders today!!! I do praise You, Abba, and I pray
for the humility to praise You even
in the midst of challenges.
66:3 God’s works are
awesome, and even His enemies shall submit to Him!
66:4 All the earth—that
is phenomenal really!!! That there would be global
praise! The whole world can’t agree on anything else!
66:5 “Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His
doing toward the sons of men.” Amen, I know that is so true even though it doesn’t always feel good.
66:6 An example of God’s mighty deeds—not only once but
twice turning water into dry land—worthy of praise!
66:7 God’s power rules, and He sees all the nations! So the rebellious
should not exalt themselves!!!
66:8-9 “Oh bless our God, you peoples! And make the voice of
His praise to be heard, Who keeps our soul among the living, and does not allow
our feet to be moved.” Our call is to bless
God and praise Him! He keeps our
soul among the living (amen to that!!!) and does not allow our feet to be moved….or
to slip! I do praise You, O Lord, for Your amazing graciousness to me!
66:10 But the reason seems counterintuitive….an abrupt turn:
Because God has tested us and refined us! Which means being liquified by hot temperatures! Ouch, but I don’t like the truth of that
verse!!
66:11-12a gets even worse. These do NOT sound like things to
praise & bless God for—God bringing affliction on us??? Oh man! Going
through fire & water, I can certainly understand that feeling. But praise
& blessing is exactly what the Psalmist is calling us to!!! Oh help me,
Lord, to have that heart of submission!
66:12b “But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.” BUT
GOD!!!
66:13-15 Bringing offerings to God’s house, paying Him our
vows (promised deeds).
66:16-17 Please God, bring these verses to fulfillment in my
heart & life!!!!
66:18 If [when] I
regard iniquity, God won’t hear.
66:19 “But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to
the voice of my prayer.” I praise You, O God, for this truth!
66:20 “Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away my prayer, Nor His mercy from me!” So so so so very
true!!!
Caveat: This is something I’m in the process of learning….I
don’t really know yet what it looks like to practice applying it! So I write this not
because I have all the answers, but because I’m on the journey of discovery.
Recently, I had a heart-to-heart talk with one of my
sister-friends. As I was prayer-journaling for her afterwards, part of a verse
about broken cisterns came to mind…and I saw how it possibly related to her
situation, but how it definitely related to mine.
I didn’t look the verse up to read the whole thing right away. I should
have!!!!
Instead, I started writing about the process of repairing a
leaking cistern—something I experienced at my house in Kasana, Uganda earlier this
year. How the muck from years of use has to be cleaned out. How pick axes have
to hammer away at the old cement coating for hours and hours, causing
brokenness before the resurfacing can be done. How even after the repair work
is finished, the cement has to cure for a couple days before the pipes can be
reconnected for the cistern to start refilling. And how God has to send the
rain.
I thought it was a great analogy that I wanted to share with
all of you.
But then, the next morning when insomnia awakened me before
dawn, I pulled my Bible off the shelf and opened to the actual passage. I read
the whole chapter, but one verse is where I focused:
“For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, And hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold
no water.” Jeremiah 2:13
The problem is TWO-fold. It’s not just that the people are trying
to rely on broken cisterns that can’t hold water. It is ALSO that they forsook
God’s spring as the source that they SHOULD be relying on!!!
And so the real call here isn’t to put in the work and
effort to repair the broken cistern, like I had thought it was the night
before.
The call is to return
to HIM!!! See Jeremiah 3:1b:
“‘But you have played the harlot with many lovers; Yet return to Me,’ says the Lord.”
As I wrote in my quiet time journal, “The call is to leave
behind the cistern method [completely] and tap into a spring!!!”
Paraclete reminded me of a couple passages from John
where Jesus talked about a similar idea.
John 4:10 & 14 for one, of course! Jesus tells the
Samaritan woman that He could give her living water, springing up into everlasting
life.
And then John 7:37-39: The call for thirsty people to come
to Jesus, that He would make their hearts flow with rivers of living water. Not
the often nasty water from cisterns that isn’t safe to drink or cook with,
because frogs and snakes and who knows what else have lived and died in it.
As I wrote, “The new covenant ain’t about repairing our
broken cisterns!!! It’s about changing our water source completely. And John’s commentary on Jesus’ declaration is
important: vs. 39—the promised river of living water is the Spirit of God—it’s
a Person! Who indwells us and reminds and teaches us!!!”
That was all several days ago. What brought it back to mind
and spurred me on to blog about it was last night at the church accountability group
I’m part of. I can’t share about what was shared in the group, for
confidentiality reasons. But as I was praying in the car on the drive home,
Paraclete brought this concept back to mind.
Any time I am looking
to counseling or therapy or a book or medication or anything else physically external
to fix me, I’m trying to resurface my broken cistern and missing the real point.
That’s been a growing realization ever since I joined this
group back in September. I’m not saying that ANY of those things I listed above
are categorically bad. I am taking part in all of them, as I seek continued
mental health/healing. BUT! If my faith is in any one of those things, or even
in all of them collectively, that is misplaced
faith.
I believe that every one of those things can be powerful and
needed tools, like tools for gold working or surgical instruments. But it is
GOD who is the great Craftsman/Surgeon—it is HE who must be the force behind
doing the refining/healing work. And I must actively choose to surrender to Him
and to yield myself to the process—and yet also to take part and be involved in
it. God must do the work, but I must choose to practice applying what I’m
learning.
Praying in the car last night, I just thanked Jesus for His
amazing patience with me. Because I am such a slow learner!
Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where relationships with other
believers falls. I guess that it IS still a “mere” tool—but I think it is part
of a trifecta of the most powerful tools: Bible reading/study/meditation, intentional/conversational
prayer, and Spirit-led conversations with believers.
Because on Saturday, when I had spent the whole morning home
alone, spiraling down into a depressed state faster than a coin in the final stage
of a coin tornado,
it wasn’t prayer or Bible reading that pulled me out of it. {I was trying to
try those things, and they weren’t stopping the mental circles of self-talk.} It
was my host mom coming home, seeing my distress, grabbing me in a hug, and
praying for me. It was Lahash’s director and his wife coming over and spending
a couple hours listening to me share my struggle and praying for me. It was
talking to my accountability partner on the phone, sharing with her and
listening to her share with me. It was talking to my parents, also on the
phone, and sharing with them too.
Well….I didn’t know my blog post about cisterns vs. The Spring
was going to include those last two paragraphs too! But there they are :)
And honestly I’m out of words now. Except for this: Please
join me in praying for myself—and maybe for yourself too—that God will teach me
how to put this idea of changing the water source I rely on into practice. And
that I will do that hard work!!! Because it’s ME, making those moment-by-moment
decisions, that can change my life. OF COURSE, I cannot do that in my own
strength. It has to be Paraclete motivating and enabling me—just as John said
in 7:39, it is HE (the Spirit) who is the river of living water!
So here’s to practicing living out the tension/balance of
Philippians 2:12-13:
“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in
my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation
with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do
for His good pleasure.”
The first part of this
is something I initially journaled during my commute to work a couple weeks ago.
The latter part fell into place this morning during my extended reflective time
with God.
“Esther, let Me love you.”
Those words from our Triune God have been re-echoing again
and again in my mind since my birthday evening. And Paraclete {my favorite name
for the Holy Spirit} has been helping me realize that, in a way, I don’t even
know how to receive His unconditional love.
So it’s been something I have been praying/meditating about
some. This morning it came back to mind again as I was in my prayer closet, trying
not to fixate on a request I had read that morning via email. Paraclete took me
back, once again, to Jesus’ Valedictory Address {John 13-17} and 1 John.
John 15:9-10 came to mind:
“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My
love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My life, just as I have
kept my Father’s commandments and abide in His love.”
I found myself wishing very much that Jesus hadn’t put that
conditional statement in there!!! Because that’s what ends up becoming a trap
to me, again & again & again—trying to feel like I have earned or
deserve God’s love based on what I DO. It so easily becomes a point of pride
and/or legalism. But there’s another critically important part of that verse! “Just as….”
Jesus’ example and His obedience of the Father are to be our
model! And He doesn’t obey out of fear or because He is trying to earn God’s
love. Jesus obeys because He is in perfect relationship with the Father and
because of all the concepts we read about in Ministry in the Image of God: The Trinitarian Shape of Christian
Service! {The first book we read here as part of the Servant Teams
curriculum – somewhat dense, but really good with lots of practical application
too!}
It’s like the heptapod language—all an interwoven circle.*
So Jesus obeys the Father because He loves Him and because
They are eternally in perfect relationship {with Paraclete too, of course!!}.
So love should be the driving force of our obedience, not fear & torment (1
John 4:18). But why do we love God? The very next verse tells us—because He
first loved us (4:19)! And also 4:10—He showed His love for us by sending Jesus
to be our propitiation (the conciliation, the act of making God favorably
inclined, appeasing Him).
Abba’s love came to me through the death and sacrifice of
Jesus. In my prayer closet this morning, Paraclete showed me that when I’m
trying to earn/prove myself worthy of God’s love—by serving, going overseas,
etc. etc.—I am acting like Jesus’ love & sacrifice were not sufficient…I am
minimalizing the greatest act in all of history and acting like my filthy rags
of righteous deeds (Isaiah 64:6) are better.
Oh Abba, forgive me for that egregious misconstrued view!!!
So we abide in God’s love by keeping His commandments out of
a heart of love for Him, because He first loved us and reconciled us to
Himself. See how it’s like a heptapod* circle??!!! Love is the goal, the means,
and the catalyst!
And it’s all about You, Abba—it’s not about me or anything I
could ever do.
Abba, I don’t know how to practice and apply this! But I
know it is foundational and critically
important—I know it’s a game changer if this lesson could sink deep into my
heart and become my driving force! Again in my prayer closet, Paraclete
reminded me that I can’t give what I haven’t received….
{And at that point I arrived at my destination!}
About a month ago, I joined a small accountability group at
a local church here. We are going through a book called The Genesis Process together. It’s focused on helping people deal
with the root causes behind addictions or other self-destructive coping
behaviors. It keeps on bringing me back to this idea:
And then this morning I started working on the fourth process, and this is how it began:
I definitely learned this lesson the hard way in August
2016. That month, two men who were serving as leaders in both the organization
and the church each had to resign because of moral shortcomings. The first one
was an especially hard blow to me, as I had been welcomed into his home many times
by him and his wife.
I remember crying in the staff meeting when his resignation
was announced. And then I went home and sat on the floor of my room and sobbed
for probably around 10 minutes. Grieving the brokenness of sin. Grieving the
pain I was sure his wife was going through. Grieving my own hurt too. Fighting
feelings of a guilt too complex to explain without sharing details of other
peoples’ stories.
That day I was so tempted to make a vow of sorts—a vow never
again to get so close to another family that I would open myself up to that
kind of pain. A vow never to trust and admire someone as I had allowed myself
to do with him—because such Christian familial love had wounded me deeply.
I thank God that I stopped myself from making that decision.
I knew it was the wrong decision—a decision that would let the enemy win. And
so I continued to grow in relationship with many other sisters and couples. But
that wound still aches when I think of it. I think I allowed that and other
things which began developing around the same time to plant a seed of
hopelessness in my heart. I did my best to process and forgive….but somehow I
think I closed off a little cupboard of bitterness inside my soul.
Fast forward back to today. Later in the morning, as I was
outside processing through some other stuff, my mind made its way back to what
I had read in The Genesis Process.
I wrote:
Love & wounding—both are always two-way streets. Except for with God. He is the only One who loves perfectly and never wounds unjustly—with the one, all-important exception of Jesus on
the cross.
In a strange, miraculous way that only God could plan, that
moment in human history was both the most unjust (towards Jesus, who had done nothing wrong), and yet also the most
merciful & gracious & loving towards us—we who had broken all the
relationships, who have done all the
wounding, who deserve nothing but eternal judgment and yet receive nothing but
unconditional love. Such beauty & brokenness at the same time!!!
Now a few hours later, those words bring to mind Hebrews
12:1-3:
“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a
cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily
ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking
unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set
before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the
right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility
from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your
souls.”
And so I choose to continue opening myself up to love and,
yes, even to the risk of human woundedness, because in so doing I am following
in the footsteps of the most truly Human person who ever lived—our Savior,
Jesus Christ. May His love in and through me glorify and magnify HIS beauty!
*To fully understand this analogy, you have to watch Arrival – it’s an alien film, but I
found it to have deep theological undertones looking at it from a Biblical worldview!
But to semi-explain the circle bit: Basically in that film, the aliens
communicate through a written language made up of circles, with each circle
being a phrase/sentence with multiple words...or something like that! See below
for an example. The circle is formed by smoke from the heptapod's feet, and so
the language is written with foreknowledge of the phrase/sentence as a whole.
The Church is NOT a good works club, it IS a fellowship of grace! It’s NOT about what we do—period!
All we have to do is to receive, openly & vulnerably; to be loved by Jesus. Works-based
Christianity does NOT create sustainable faith!
The above paraphrase was the key point of the sermon I heard
this morning—a sermon so good I sat through it twice! (I’m attending church
with my hostess for the next several months, at Oak Hills Presbyterian Church
here on the outskirts of Portland.)
Currently, the church is going through a sermon series on
Acts, and this morning’s passage was about 4:32-5:11—the story of the early
Church’s lifestyle of radical giving and the death of Ananias and Saphira.
Jeremy (the pastor here) made the case that, at root, this passage is not
really about money or giving. It’s about a deeper lifestyle choice: Pretense or
Vulnerability.
The generous people, including Barnabas, showed their
vulnerability by giving up their earthly security for the sake of others –
demonstrating that the resurrection of Christ (4:33) had set them free from the
self-protective hoarding of resources. The beneficiaries of this generosity
also had to practice vulnerability, admitting to their church family that they
were facing needs that they couldn’t meet on their own.
The power of Christ created a culture of radical openness
and vulnerability for those who found their identity in HIM, rather than in
trying to project a false image of themselves to others. Ananias and Saphira,
however, made a show of spiritual heroism that was a lie – and for that they were severely punished….by death!
Jeremy talked about the word hypocrite, which comes from the Greek word for actor. In Greek
culture, stage actors would wear masks to show their emotions—happy for a
joyful scene, sad for a tragic scene, etc. With the masks, they projected what
the scene required, while hiding what was really going on underneath.
He concluded his sermon, “the only way to receive grace is
by being open and broken, trusting in
God’s grace and being real with one another.”
This sermon really struck a chord with me where I am at
spiritually right now. I have so very much to be thankful for, so very much to
praise God for. But this year, and the past several years before, have each been
the successively hardest year of my life. And so I want to share more about
that here than I have so far. Not to illicit pity. Definitely not to brag on
myself (quite the contrary!). But to testify of God’s Grace.
God has brought the above song to my mind multiple times in
the past few months. This is who I want to be. Real and raw, yes, but for the purpose of allowing God to shine His Glory through my brokenness.
As those close to me know, most of this year has been an
intense spiritual battle for me. In January I returned to my second home in
Uganda, excited for another term…though also with reservations. Before I could
even get back into my job at the office, I was hit simultaneously with insomnia,
depression, and worse.
For the next six plus months, many days it was a struggle
just to get out of bed. It felt like I was constantly fighting a losing battle
with hopelessness. After two months with little maintainable progress, I
resigned from my position in Uganda, said goodbye to the people who had become
my family there, and returned home to Dallas. I’ve become ok over these past
months with naming depression as one of my struggles. There were also other
struggles I’m still not comfortable naming this publicly.....shame can be a
strong enemy. [No physical or emotional harm was maliciously done to me.]
Suffice it to say, the fact that I am currently walking in
relationship with God is in itself a testimony to God’s abundant Grace, lavish
Love, and constant Pursuit towards me. He did this using so many amazing people
both in Uganda, Dallas, and other places who didn’t give up on me…who kept
loving me, praying for me, speaking truth to me, and fighting (spiritually) on
my behalf. If I started naming names I couldn’t quit…so I won’t start, except
to say that my parents are at the top of the list. :)
The fact that a month and a half ago I moved half way across
the country, to a place where I personally knew no one; that I am now in an
intense program of learning and serving, and that I am {mostly**} flourishing
here—that is an unimaginable miracle of Christ’s mercy and transforming power.
When people hear about my life since graduation from college
in May of 2013—most of that time spent rooted in the red soil of East Africa—they
can quickly and easily tend to put me on a pedestal. I’m here to tell you
today, I am NO super hero. I am not applying that title to myself—one well-meaning
person has told me that missionaries, me inclusive, are. On the contrary, I am
just as flawed and broken as anyone else….if not more so (in the spirit of Paul,
expressed in 1 Tim. 1:15). Any good that has come of my life is all God’s Grace.
Yesterday morning, I spent more than three hours journaling…processing…praying…grieving.
My Good Shepherd has led me on a road that has been full of both the very good and the very hard in these past five years, since I first
knocked on the door labelled “Uganda.” But He has been with me every single
step of the way, both on the sunny mountaintops and in the darkest of valleys.
This year’s breakdown didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s seeds
were sown from my personality and character flaws…from circumstances and
situations which affected me…from my failure to name what I needed and ask for
help (at least not until it was too late, humanly speaking)…from organizational
and personnel challenges. The pressure really started building in August of
2016…so it was a long time coming.
So that’s my practice at being open and vulnerable. And
maybe very few people will take the time to read this. But I process best by
writing, and so hopefully composing this blog post will better free my tongue
in personal dialogue. Please feel free to ask me questions. Christ’s healing of
my heart is finally bringing me to a place of being more willing to speak of
these things. But these previous paragraphs are not the whole story.
Here is the “My Story” version:
Hope that wouldn't
let go: My Savior never lost a grip on the wheel of my life, even when it
looked to me like it was chaotically spinning out of control. And HE has restored
my hope in Him, in His time and way.
Love that never gave
up: These past three weeks, my Lover has been calling my heart to be willing
to receive from Him and from others. Not that I should try to earn or deserve
anything, simply to receive…and THEN to give.
Life, but it wasn't
mine: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were
bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which
are God’s” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
The grace that is
greater than all my sin: If I spoke of God’s Grace—in loving me and
redeeming me from sin—for every hour of the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have
time to tell it all.
When justice was
served: But not to me; to the perfect, sinless Son of God. There are times I
want to call “FOUL!” on my life, times I say I wish there had been justice in a
given situation. But that’s only because I fail to remember what true justice
really demands.
Where mercy wins: Every
single day, every breath of my life, is as a result of the mercy of Christ.
The kindness of Jesus
that draws me in: The opposite of what I in myself deserve…but He showers
His kindness instead.
Victory over the
enemy: The victory has already been won!! It’s not my battle to fight—it’s
a gift the Christ already waged the war for, that I am simply to allow HIM to
apply to and live out in my life.
Freedom that was won
for me: Freedom from fear. Freedom from failure. Freedom to be known and to
know. To be loved and to love. To be served and to serve. Freedom as a gift
from Him, applied by Him, in and through this weak vessel.
Life overcome the
grave: Our Savior is RISEN!!! And that resurrection power is at work in each
and every one of His children!
This is my story,
this is my song,
Praising my Savior
all the day long.
One more thing that is finally getting through my thick skull:
There WILL be more challenges in my future. More twists & turns in the
road. More apparently deep, dark valleys. Maybe even tomorrow. But, Lord help
me, when those times come I want to turn more quickly to Your Truth. To root my
confidence deeply in You, not in my comfort or things going my way. To say with
Mary, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to Your
word” (Luke 1:38).
Please join me in praying that for me and, if you dare,
maybe for yourself as well.
**Three weeks ago, I heard I had to leave my initial/temporary
housing by the end of September. And that I couldn’t move into the house down
the street—that I was sure was ideal—because
of a logistical detail. My emotions and insecurities proceeded to throw an internal
hissy fit. A night of zero sleep followed, and for several days the fear and
despair and hopelessness came rolling back over me.
I’m so thankful to our team leaders and my team mates for
supporting me through that. And I can now say I’m thankful it happened, because
God used it as a catalyst to push me out of the comfortable coasting (from two
months of almost all great days) and back onto the road of proactive,
intentional healing. Also, in a stroke of divine irony, the new home I moved
to, where I initially didn’t want to be, has been an amazing fit and a real
gift. So I was fighting God, when of course He knew better all along!!
“‘Then you will know
the truth, and the truth will set you free……Very truly I tell you, everyone who
sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a
son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free
indeed” (John 8:32, 34-36).
It started a couple months ago when I was at Kobwin. When I
was hesitant and unsure, one of the family mothers spoke words that went
straight to my heart and embedded deeply there, beyond the surface details of
the situation. “Don’t be afraid,” she said. “Be free.”
Be free.
Such simple words. But so easy to forget. Since that day,
that same idea keeps popping up. So much so that my new bracelet became a
combination of hope and freedom. (I haven’t posted the story about my
bracelets. I’ll have to write that sometime soon.)
The Holy Spirit had been convicting me the past couple weeks
(ever since I thought about & shared my testimony with my Institute class)
that much of my life I have been bound by fear of one sort or another. Fear of
failure/imperfection, fear of rejection, fear of not being in control (fear of
misfortunes). And when fear is a major motivating factor in my life, it chases
peace and joy.
Of course, I know with my head that I can’t keep myself from
making mistakes in my own strength. I know that my identity must not be bound
by what other people think of me (what “they say”). And I know that there’s no
way I can prevent bad things from happening! But knowing the truth doesn’t
always mean I live by it, sadly.
Almost two weeks ago, there was a situation in which I was
trying to serve others out of my own strength, and probably for my own honor.
But when my strength ran out, I started behaving rudely to the people around me.
In those moments, I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t stop. I was exhausted,
shattered by the end of it. I’ve been feeling that shattered, exhausted feeling
a couple times since then….
Even as I was walking back to my house, I knew that I would
need to apologize to some people. I can’t remember if I confessed it to God in
prayer that night or the next morning……but as I thought about what had happened
the following day, I fell into the old habit of berating myself for falling
short of my own expectations. And God’s, right??
“You were behaving like such a brat!” I told myself, among
other things. But as my mind thought that last word, it flew to a story in a
childhood series I loved to read. At first, I wanted to ignore it as a rabbit
trail, away from what I thought was important at the moment. But I felt the
Spirit prompting me to remember the story.
{As a very brief explanation, the series is an allegory
about God’s Story in three parts: Tales of the Kingdom, the Resistance, and the
Restoration. The world is pictured in the first two as the Enchanted City,
under the control of an evil emperor. The true King spends the first book
living in exile, but he comes back to the city in the second book.}
In this particular chapter, young orphaned children are
forced to work underground keeping the city’s massive sewage and power systems
working. They are called Sewer Rats and Boiler Brats. And they live their lives
bound in fear: fear that the city’s infrastructure will grind to a halt on
their watch (as it often did), bringing a dreaded visit from the emperor or at
least his evil henchmen. Which always brought punishment for failing what was
really an impossible task.
But one night, the exiled King miraculously appears in their
dark underground world. He offers them love, acceptance, and freedom—and he
leads them out of the prison of fear back to his kingdom outside the borders of
the Enchanted City. In his kingdom, there are no orphans. There are adopted
sons and daughters.
I don’t know when I had last thought about that series—it
had been a while. But God used that story, along with other things He has been
reminding me of, to learn something “new” with my heart (of course, it’s not
really new. Rather, it’s an old lesson. But it’s something which has often been
stuck at a head knowledge level in my life).
So often, I fail. And when I fail, I mentally beat myself up
over it. And I feel like God must be so disappointed in me. When I turn to Him
and confess, I usually do so in an attitude of trying to humiliate myself
before Him like the prodigal son tried to do. And so often, I find myself met
with God’s grace and love and forgiveness and acceptance—not the condemnation I
know so well I deserve. I know this is because through Christ’s finish work—wonder
of wonders—God sees in me the righteousness of Christ.
That morning as I sat here thinking about my mistake, and
yet the freedom I have in Christ from guilt and condemnation, God taught my
heart in a deeper way than I had known before that the past is the past. It
does no good to wallow in guilt and to hold onto that feeling that I have
failed. I can never change the past. I can choose the present and hope for the future. But the choice is
not one I am required to make in my own strength – and the hope is not an
empty, wishful thinking. Both are guided and guarded by Christ. And the past?
Its mistakes are wiped clean by Christ.
I don’t by any means wish to cheapen God’s grace. That is,
of course, the danger with such a line of thinking. Paul felt the same tension
in Romans 5:20-6:1ff. But just yesterday I was part of a conversation in which
we were discussing the difference between conviction and guilt. My tendency is
definitely to guilt trip myself….and it’s a habit that I can see God calling me
out of.
Our Father does not want His beloved children bound by the
guilt of the past. Jesus Christ has dealt with the past, IT IS FINISHED (John
19:30). We are FREE from the guilt of the past (though not always all the
consequences—BUT GOD will use even them for good) because of HIS completed
work.
“Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose
sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count
against them” (Psalms 32:1-2, as quoted in Romans 4:8). The truth and beauty of
those verses swept over my soul amidst tears just a few days ago. I’ve often been
living under a cloud of guilt and fear for months and years. But thanks be to
God for His patience with me! He’s never giving up, and the light of His truth
and grace and FREEDOM are continuing to break through.
Because He is good, and His mercies are new every morning.
Great is His faithfulness.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011. It seemed like a perfectly normal
day, but I will forever mark it as the day God revolutionized my life. I stood
in chapel at my small, Christian college singing during the worship time. For
some reason I sat further back than normal—nearly under the shelter of the
upstairs balcony.
As I sang, surrounded by hundreds of my fellow students and
yet feeling alone, my mind returned to the questions I had asked so often
throughout high school and my first year and a half of college. “Why God? Why
is it that I feel like I want a deeper relationship with You and yet nothing
changes? Why do You seem so silent? I try so hard.”
There was no rending of the heavens, no vision of glorious
majesty. But there was a simple Thought, sent—I believe—by the Holy Spirit at
just the moment He had crafted in His infinite plan.
“What you do is not a
question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift,
based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no
matter what.”
Hearing that truth and truly realizing what it meant in my
life for the first time acted as a single beam of light into what had long been
the dark room of my spiritual strivings. Looking back now, I can see that I
have always tended toward attempting to earn assurance of others’ love and
affection for me by working as a people pleaser. I naturally brought that same
idea over to my relationship with God.
Yes, I knew intellectually that I could not earn my salvation.
And yet as a Christian I had spent the previous years of my life trying to make
myself worthy of God’s love and approval – lacking the faith that the Immanuel
who came to save people from sin could truly accept me with all of my
shortcomings and failings. In some ways it seems so simple and silly – it is in
Scripture…I learned those verses and I should have known that receiving
salvation did not suddenly mean that I must curry God’s favor (Gal. 3:1-3).
Nevertheless that was how I thought, and it is still a trap I often find myself
falling into.
I am still nowhere near the perfection I would love to
achieve. But the embedding of that truth deep into my spiritual psyche started
me on a journey of personal revival which God is still unfolding. The beauty of
it all is that there was nothing special about that day – no reason from my end
for the blessings I have since received. It is all Grace – God’s amazing Grace.
And that’s the whole point. Yes, it is tempting to question why not sooner. But
the answer goes right back to the lesson. God’s Grace is not bound by human
understanding. No, I didn’t deserve what happened on January 25th
any more than I had any other day. But that is the beauty of Grace.
{This was originally posted in September of 2012 on Thrive80, a Moody blog that I wrote for occasionally. It was part of a series about "Inciting Incidents"--moments which shape one's life and story--to promote a new book for them, and so this is the moment I wrote about.
Yesterday was the anniversary of the day this story is about, so I wanted to put a link on my Facebook page. But when I went back looking for this post, I discovered that the old blog, including my posts, is no longer online. So I re-post here what I wrote for them there, unedited.
Even four years after that day and almost two and a half years after writing this post, I am still learning Grace. And God has proved good and faithful and abundantly gracious during every step of that journey.}
I’ve been reading through the Old Testament all year (not
consistently enough….I’m only in 1 Chronicles!), and one of the things I’ve
been doing as I read is taking note of the names of God that are used. For
example, one of the first times God is referred to as “Father” is in 2 Samuel 7
when He promises to be a Father to David’s son.
I love that one of God’s names for Himself is Father. It’s
one of my favorites! But I actually want to talk about a different name of God
– one that I have become increasingly grateful for over the past couple of
years: God as Haggo’el (the Redeemer, in Hebrew).
If I remember right, my journey of learning this name
started one day in the fall of 2012, as I sat out in the woods reading through
Psalm 139. I was reading it out loud, my heart echoing ‘amen’ to each truth.
But suddenly, when I got to the verse “Marvelous are Your works, and that my
soul knows very well,” (vs. 14b) I came to a full stop. I couldn’t even read
it, let alone affirm the truth of it in my own life.
It was one of those moments when I realized there are still
areas in my life where I have a hard time trusting God….a hard time believing
that His plan and what He has allowed are good. There are old hurts and regrets
I still hold onto. It was that day I began to realize that I blamed God for
those things.
I wish I had all my journals here with me so that I could go
back and look at those entries. I think it took a couple weeks for me to think
about it and process it…..but I think later in that final JBU year I was able
to go back to that verse and read it aloud, instructing my heart to believe its
truth.
Perhaps that didn’t come until after this next bit. It was
in April of 2013, as a group of us were road tripping back from an academic
conference in Wisconsin, that the above concept took on a more concrete form. I
was reading through Joel at the time, and there in the backseat of the van I
read Joel 2:25, where the LORD says “I will restore to you the years that the swarming
locust has eaten…My great army which I sent among you.” It was like a light of
spiritual understanding went on in my mind.
God had sent the locust. He had allowed—no, He had caused—a calamity to happen to His
chosen people, in this case as a judgment for their sin. But when His people
repented and turned back to Him (2:12-17), He promised to forgive them and to
redeem the loss that they had endured.
During the nearly two years since that day, the concept of
God’s work as our Redeemer has become increasingly real and special to me. Of
course, a major aspect of God’s redemptive work is His sacrificing His Son to
buy us back (to redeem us) from the grasp of the devil. But I believe we can
see from passages such as Joel 2:25 and Romans 8:28 that God’s redeeming grace
does not apply only to eternity future….it applies to our lives here and now as
well.
There have been several times in the past year and a half
when I have been filled with regrets over how the choices I have made have
impacted others or even just my own outlook on things. It was actually thinking
about one of those occasions that has brought on this blog post. As I lay there
last night, tears running down my face as I wished things had turned out
differently, it was the truth of God’s redeeming power that brought peace to my
heart.
That is not to say that God’s redemption means what I did
was right or even good. God’s work as Redeemer also rarely works on my time
schedule! But when choices have been made in the past—when I can’t go back and
undo them, as much as I wish I could—then, after I have repented before God and
men my Father asks me to trust Him. To trust that He will redeem all things for
His glory and for the good of all of His children, in His time and in His way
(see this blog post for more about that).
I may not see the full outworking of that until I stand in
His presence. If that is the case, He calls me to go forward free from guilt,
counting on Him to work all things for good. Even those things that hurt me or
others, that the devil probably laughed with glee over when they happened. BUT
GOD – He takes each thing and uses it in the refining, molding process—and in
the end, every vessel (each one of us individually) will be beautiful.
A card from one of my special ladies back home that "just happened" to arrive yesterday, and that I opened this morning after writing this post :)
I actually woke up ahead of my alarm today.
These cool, foggy mornings we have been having here in Uganda recently always
make me think of Arkansas and miss my “family” there.
On Monday, I was thinking of other things
from back in my college days….and yesterday the thoughts kept tumbling around
in my brain….so this morning I am sitting down to put “pen to paper” and break
my blogging silence.
In the past 11 months that I have been
affiliated with New Hope Uganda, the organization has gone through a lot. In my
most recent newsletter, I wrote asking people for prayers as we here seem to be
in the midst of spiritual warfare. Thank you to each one who responded back
with words of encouragement! I really appreciated those.
Yesterday, we saw off one of our staff
members. This year she has been battling cancer, and last month (two days after
we lost a son to kidney failure) she was declared cancer free! But then other
health concerns arose, and more tests revealed tumors….inoperable tumors, which
are seriously affecting her quality of life. Yesterday she returned to Nairobi
(Kenya), where she had previously received radiation, for further tests and
care.
In my personal life, the past 18 months
since graduation have rarely gone as I expected them to. Every season seems to
bring another bend in the road, sometimes sending me on a trajectory I never
expected. While I am so blessed and grateful to have the opportunity to
minister here in this community, it was honestly never in my plans to move to Africa for most of 2014.
During these past months, there have been a
myriad of frustrations and discouragements. While none of them come close to
the struggles of so many of my brothers and sisters, it has still been often
challenging to maintain a proper perspective—eyes fixed on Christ—in these
times. Over and over, I have felt His call to trust Him and surrender my life
to His plan….and maybe, just maybe I am “slowly by slowly” learning that
lesson.
On Monday, it was one of my personal minor
letdowns which got me to thinking. I was tempted to be in a complaining mood
because of something which was not going as I had hoped/wished it might. And I
just felt Paraclete speaking to my heart: “Esther, you need to trust God in
this. To trust that what is happening is the best plan for all involved.”
It took me back to something a staff member
had forwarded the Wednesday before. A week after my supervisor had fallen and
broken her arm so seriously that she returned to her home in England for
surgery, it was a day when I felt totally overwhelmed. I read this devotional
and saw the truth in it, but I still allowed my human circumstances to dictate
my feelings.
The devotional concluded:
Remember this: If any other condition had
been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put
you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you
could choose your lot, you would soon cry, "Lord, choose my heritage for
me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows." Be
content with the things you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for
your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your
shoulder and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word
and work to the glory of God. Busy self and proud impatience must be put down;
it is not for them to choose, but for the Lord of Love!1
This idea of trusting the God who works ALL
THINGS for His glory and our sanctification, our good has been a theme in my
life for quite a while. But as I sat thinking and praying through it again on
Monday, another comparison came to mind.
Twice in college I read Candide, a satirical tale written by
Voltaire, an Enlightenment thinker of the 1700s. In it, Voltaire criticizes a
view from that period that this is the “best of all possible worlds” by taking
his characters through a ridiculous amount of challenges and suffering. The
teacher in the group reiterates over and over that even in the face of
everything, this still must be the best of all possible worlds. Even though Candide is a comedy because of the
absurdity of what the characters go through, it felt so much more like a
depressing tragedy to me, because on every page there are tales of woe.
But on Monday as I thought of trusting God
in my petty little problems—and in the bigger, serious concerns facing others I
know—that is the line that came back to me. That this is the “best of all
possible worlds.” Certainly NOT because everything that happens is perfect! Far
from it…there is much hurt and tragedy and brokenness in this world.
This is the best of all possible worlds,
however, because of the HOPE that I and my fellow believers have! We serve a
God who is an incarnational Redeemer—through Christ, He came down to us in our
mess, and He won the victory!!!!!!!!!
And because He rose from the dead, defeating Satan, death, and sin, we
can KNOW that He is able to work everything for good. Even the worst situation
I can imagine He can take that and turn it for His glory.
Of course, this doesn’t make life easy.
Yesterday, as we saw our sister off to Kenya there were tears in many hearts.
We prayed and are praying for a miracle. Last month, as we laid our son to
rest, there were sobs from his family and those close to him. We continue praying
for his widowed mother and his young siblings, who have lost one who could have
helped provide for them if he were still here. But through it all, we can
choose to stake our confidence in our Redeeming, Victorious Father. And we can
thank Him for everything that comes to pass in this, the best of all possible
worlds.
1 Taken from Morning and
Evening by C.H. Spurgeon, revised and updated by Alistair Begg.
{Warning – this is a rant that has been coming on for a
while.}
In three weeks, I’ll be getting on a plane to go back to the
bush of Uganda, and I couldn’t be more excited to do it! Yes, there will be
luxuries and conveniences that I will certainly miss…but I will also get to see
friends again, and I will get to be joining a ministry which seeks to help kids
know the Fatherhood of God by experiencing it through us.
Sometimes, though, the thoughts—thoughts of what I’m leaving
behind, thoughts of what I’m missing out on—are challenging to accept.
The other day, I received an email from a friend making a
referral of a job possibility for me. When I first read the email, I didn’t
think too much of it. I am committed to Uganda for at least 14 months, and I am
eager to fulfill that commitment, especially because I am confident Kasana is where
God is leading me!
But last night, when I opened up an email to let the person
know I wasn’t available, it hit me more. Here was a job opportunity. A “real,” “big-girl”
job. One in my degree field. One that would—I assume—allow me to provide for
myself financially….to be fully independent for the first time since
graduation.
In some ways, it was very tempting. It was a moment where I had
to let go of my desire to be self-sufficient on my own. A moment where I had to
once again trust God’s leading…trust Him to provide for me as I go into this
place where I will be 100% counting on the support and donations of friends.
Today, I sent the email refusing the job opportunity, and
there was no serious hesitation in that choice. But it did get me thinking.
Because it feels
so unfair. It seems as though I am
sacrificing a lot to go where I will have intermittent electricity and
internet. Where there is no air conditioning other than the breeze. Where my
freedom to move about will be somewhat hampered by basic safety concerns. Where
there are no washing machines, dryers, microwaves, or dishwashers. Where I must
count on people’s generosity for everything.
This is especially true when I think about other bigger missions
organizations I know about which pay their staff members comfortable incomes. My
mind goes to at least one “non-profit” whose president and handful of VPs each
make six-figure annual incomes. Yes, they do good, good work. But how many MORE
people could they help if those organizational leaders chose to live more
modest lives?
We Americans think—Iso often think—that we/I “deserve” a certain standard of living. We have a
huge sense of entitlement that honestly is a bunch of bologna.
One job I applied for last fall here in the States probably
would have paid me more in one year than some of my friends in Uganda—the better
employed ones!—could dream of making, even if they worked for 50 years (in a
country where the life expectancy is 58). I can go to a fast food place here
and blow more money on one meal than day laborers there can make in a week.
And when I think of that, it makes me sick. And it makes me
realize that I know nothing of sacrifice.
Sure, in the bush of
Uganda I will lack a lot of conveniences. But I will still be living the “good
life.” I have friends who live in the village who have no power at all. No
Internet, definitely no cable, probably no TV at all. Who probably do not have
bathroom facilities. Who probably have to walk a good distance just to fetch water.
I don’t write this so that you will pity them. They don’t
need your pity. Many of them know more about living an intentional,
communitarian life than most Americans. Relationally, I believe they lead much
richer lives. Because when someone has a need, they do what they can to help
fulfill it. They care for one another and help bear one another burdens on a
daily basis, and it is beautiful to witness.
Earlier today, as I was holding this rant in the recesses of
my own mind, a thought struck me.
I definitely do not really know anything of sacrifice. Even
my friends in Uganda do not know all there is of sacrifice.
We each know
different parts of sacrifice. They know what it is to truly be in want. But
they did not choose that station in life, and many of them wish to better their
circumstances. For me, I am choosing to give up certain things. But as I said,
I will still be living a comfortable life compared to parts of the world. What’s
more, I have the certain opportunity to return to my plush, fancy (albeit
middle-class) life in America.
But there is Another who knows everything that sacrifice
entails. One who gave up the riches of the universe for a peasant’s life—who during
His sojourn here did not even have a place to lay His heavenly head.
And that was only the beginning of the Truest Sacrifice.
Because not only was He poor. Not only was He misunderstood
and often rejected. Not only was He bound for the first time in eternity by the
constraints and weaknesses of a human body. On top of all these—each a
sacrifice bigger than any I could possibly make, even if I lost everything and went
to live in the poorest streets of the world—On top of all these, He willingly
chose to relinquish His right to command angel armies. His right to be
worshipped for Who He was. He gave up His
very life. For what? For His glory, yes. But it was also for His enemies that He made this sacrifice. For
you and me.
Because what do we as human beings actually, truly deserve?
We deserve to be destroyed, to be banished from God’s presence
forever. We deserve nothing other than the wrath and judgment of God. This very instant. Every breath any
human breathes—the fact that the world still exists and we are alive—is a gift
of God’s grace. But the fact that He has made me His own dear child—and that at
such a high cost……there are no words
for such grace and love.
The innumerable physical luxuries I am enjoying this very
moment? Sitting here in my room of a house, with lights, AC, laptop, music, a
closet full of clothes, a satisfied stomach, money in my purse, clean from a running
water shower…….Those are not things that I deserve. They are gifts. But at
worst, they can be horrible distractions.
And as I think of all this, I can’t wait to go back to
Uganda. To go back to a place where I am reminded on a daily basis that I must
depend on God for the strength to face each moment. Where I am confronted every
day with how enormously blessed I am.
What’s more, I’ll be following in the footsteps of my
Savior. Not because of how good I am, but because of His grace and mercy at
work in my life. And it’s all for His glory, for the sake of His great name.
{This is a continuation of my previous couple of posts}
So what is to be done with the burdens we all carry,
especially the burdens of sin Paul referred to in Galatians 6? As I thought
about all of this a couple weeks ago, a couple different thoughts and
connections flew through my mind.
One was a song I first remember hearing about a month ago at
church here. It hit me deep in my heart:
I’d trade these ashes in for beauty, And wear forgiveness like a crown; Coming to kiss the feet of mercy, I lay every burden down: At the foot of the cross.
The second (and closely related) was thinking about Pilgrim’s Progress – his heavy heavy
burden fell away off of his back as he worshipped at the cross.
It’s not like were expected to deal with our burdens on our
own! In fact, trying to do so will only end up in disappointment, because there
is no way that we can do this life—especially no way that we can lighten the
burden of our sin—on our own. The fact is that Jesus has already done that
work!
As Paul writes in another letter: “our old man was crucified
with Him, that the body of sin might be done
away with that we should no longer
be slaves of sin” (Rom. 6:6, emphasis mine). Christ came and lived and died and
rose again to take the burden away. The work is finished!!!
It’s like that old kid’s song I listened to as a child
(anyone else remember Donut Man? :D) “Cast your burden unto Jesus, for He cares
for you!”[1]
I’ve heard it a few times here in Uganda, so maybe that’s part of the reason it’s
on my mind J
The song mostly comes from 1 Peter 5:6, though it could also
partly come from Psalm 55:22. In 1 Peter 5, the verse (“casting all your care
upon Him, for He cares for you”) directly follows his admonition to submit to
one another and to “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you in due time” (1 Pet. 5:5 and 6). I heard a really good
message on this passage my junior year of college while resting in bed, and I’ve
always meant to go back and give it a listen when I have my full brain power…..
At any rate, another relevant passage to this topic is
Matthew 11:28-30, the oft quoted “come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest”—but don’t forget the next verses, the admonition to “Take
My yoke….for My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Now, I don’t claim to
have much theological training or to be an expert on interpreting Scripture….but
take a look at the rest of Matthew 11 that proceeds these verses (and yes, I
know chapter divisions aren’t inspired either…).
The chapter starts with John the Baptist sending two of his
disciples from prison. It continues with Jesus rebuking cities that did not
repent of their sin even after seeing the signs of Christ. The verses mentioned
in the previous paragraph, examined in this context could be seen in a new
light.
The beginning of the chapter shows that wearing the yoke of
being Christ’s messenger—while much better than bearing the weight of sin—is not
all happy-go-lucky. John was in prison…John was beheaded, simply for declaring God’s truth about sin. And we can
wonder at God’s wonders all we want, but unless we repent….we’re worse off than Tyre and Sidon, worse off even than
Sodom. That’s a pretty damning view of things, and it comes straight from what
Jesus said!
I guess my point here is that God doesn’t take our burden of
sins off of our shoulders for our own sakes or so that we can have an easy
life. He saves us for a reason: For HIS GLORY, and so that we may SERVE HIM and
His people. So YES, we should celebrate the fact that we are no longer burdened
by sin! But obviously, we should not use that freedom as license to run off and
do our own thing in our own way.
I would say that my general tendency has been to swing too
far on the side of still carrying around guilt for my sin….although I know
there have certainly been times when I have swung to the “then I’ll do what I
want!” extreme. I’ll talk about the former in my next post, and tie in a song
that’s currently pretty popular. Any guesses as to what song? ;-)
[1] If
you missed out on this classic of my childhood, you can check it out on YouTube
here.
This is exactly the version I watched on VHS who knows how many times, down to
the cute little girls at 1:00 and 1:45 :D
Since I know that God
is good, will I be willing to trust Him to do what is best—first for His glory,
but also for myself and each of His children?
That question has been developing in the background of my
mind a LOT over the past year. And in the past nine months—full of ups and
downs and unexpected turns—a lot of my times of tears and frustration (and
there have been many….) have resulted
from the answer to this very important question being “no” in my practical, daily
life/thoughts/attitude.
If you want all the background and the long explanation that
demonstrates my “context” strength,[1]
I was halfway done writing it before I remembered that looking back and being
stuck in the past can also be part of my problem. This blog started with Philippians 3….and part of that is “forgetting those things which are
behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the
goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (vs. 13b-14). At
the same time, God does tell His people over and over to “Remember” what He has
done. I’m just not always good at maintaining a balance there.
Enough about me. In this case (or at least for this post),
I’m going to work harder to error on the side of leaving the past behind and
just talk about the Truth and the present. But mentions of the past will creep
in, and I may post the “full” backstory another day.
A couple Saturdays ago, I was blessed with a beautiful time
of meditating on God’s Word and fellowshipping with/worshipping Him. We needed
to have a long talk, so I headed out to the Enterprise farm and stayed there
for a couple hours. During that time, He brought together ideas from a year ago
and ideas from the past couple months, and it’s like someone had fit a bunch of
tiny puzzle pieces together and then zoomed out to show a more complete picture
as a result. And today God brought me back to that picture again.
I struggle with demanding “why??” of God. Over the past
year, He has been in the process of calling me out on that and instructing me
to trust Him. And He has been bringing healing to some old, deep wounds that I
had tried to stuff and ignore for a long, long time.
To quote from my journal entry that Saturday morning, even
though mistakes and bad things will happen in life, “God will use and redeem all situations (past, present, and
future) for the Ultimate Good: His Glory.
We are called to walk in humility in
light of that truth (Micah 6:8 and the labyrinth walk almost exactly a year ago), and we do NOT have the right to demand “WHY?” in a
self-centered way.”
My mind flew to the verse about “does the clay have the
right to ask of the potter, ‘why have you made me like this?’” That’s the
Esther paraphrase, so it took a little searching to find it….but thankfully I
did, in Romans 9:20-21:
“But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will
the thing formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why have you made me like this?’
Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one
vessel for honor and another for dishonor?”
My journaling continued: “That’s the key. And suddenly so very many pieces from the past
months and years fall into place. Yes, that truth is very Calvinistic. But it
is true, and in the end it’s what
brings peace to my stirred-up heart….And it is in the Ultimate Truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty that I can
REJOICE,” referring to Philippians 4:4 which “just happened” to be printed on
that page of my journal.
Yesterday morning before church I had already felt that like
writing this post. And then in church, we sang this song that says, in part, “We love You Lord, we worship You / You are our God, You
alone are good.” That brought together so perfectly my Enterprise farm time and
my island reflections that I couldn’t not write about it.
Because it’s certainly not a mistake that those
passages—“all things work together for good,” we are predestined to be
“conformed to the image of His Son,” and “O man, who are you…?”—are in such
close proximity (Romans 8:28-29, 9:20-21). Paul recognized that this was a hard
thing! In fact, his topic in Romans 9 (Israel’s rejection of God) brought him
“great sorrow and continual grief in [his] heart” (9:2). He was probably
preaching to himself just as much as to his audience when he wrote about the
potter having power over the clay.
He longed and yearned with all his being for his brethren
and fellow countrymen to recognize the truth he wrote of in 8:37-39 – that
nothing can separate us from the love of God. In 1 Corinthians 9:19-27, which
was preached on yesterday, he talks about the lengths to which he was willing
to go for just such a purpose. {I confess that my life is deeply lacking of a
similar concern.}
So knowing the truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty does
NOT mean that suddenly I am happy-go-lucky and without a care in the world. It
also does NOT mean that my freewill decisions and actions are without effects/consequences.
Another part of the song above references this too:
You asked Your Son to carry this,
The heavy cross, our weight of sin.
I love You Lord, I worship You;
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.
I give my life to honor this:
The love of Christ, the Savior King.
My brain is kind of going in circles (that’s what happens
when I don’t plan these out before writing)…because that takes us right back to
Romans 8:37-39, which is why we can claim to be “more than conquerors through Him who loved us,” not through
our own striving, effort, or strength.
The past couple weeks, as it has felt like I have made a
huge mess of things, this is the only thing I know I can hold onto—that even
when I have acted in my own self-interest….or that even when trying my hardest
to do what is right and best has seemed to back fire instead—that even there in
the midst of my mess Christ is standing before God, who still sits on the
throne. And God sees in me Christ’s righteousness. And it is all undeserved
grace and forgiveness. And it is beautiful.
Do I wish I had made different decisions so that there would
be different results now? For sure. If I could rewind the clock and redo
things, I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t. What I am given charge of is the
present, going forward from this moment.
And in so many ways it’s depressing to know that tomorrow or the next day….or
even right now or later tonight….I will make mistakes again.
And I definitely do not want to be flippant and say “Who
cares if we sin! There’s grace!” (Romans 6:1, Esther paraphrase). But I do tend
to “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” and get stuck in guilt. Some second cousins
of mine taught me a great old-style song that combats the former so well. Give
it a listen here!
At the same time, I do need to be careful in what I say and
do, and I must rely on the Holy Spirit’s strength and wisdom and not my own….
So much harder to do in the moment than it is to say and know and believe. But,
by the grace of God, we “press on,” trusting the One who began the good work
and promises to complete it (Philippians 3:12, 1:6). And amazingly, He promises
to use all things for His glory and the good of each of His children—in His eternal economy.
That is where my faith and confidence and trust are to rest,
even if (when) the results do not look like I wish they did in this life. No
matter what, God is good all the time.
[1]
According to my results this summer from the Gallup “StrengthsQuest” inventory,
this is my #1 strength. The poll’s “Quick Reference Card” describes it as follows: “People especially talented in the Context theme enjoy
thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.”
