Boasting in My Weakness

I’ve got to say, it’s not easy for me to think about writing this post. Even simply typing the title made me pause.

I’m the kind of person who likes to be right—who needs to be right (or at least I think I do). I want to be the one who’s dependable and got it all together.

But, truth is, I’m not – and I don’t.

God is at work in my heart and life. Often I wish He would hurry up and finish so that I would just be good to go. But then I wouldn’t need Him as desperately, would I?

In the past weeks and months, I’ve been wrestling with apathy. Well, actually, a more accurate description would be that I’ve been giving in to apathy without putting up a lot of fight.

I’ve been battling discouragement, hypocrisy, etc. You name one of those inner struggles that’s so easy to put a mask over, I’ve probably been dealing with it to some extent.

But God – He sees right through my masks. Jesus Christ sees my heart with His eyes of blazing fire that our teacher talked about this morning in church (from Revelations 2:18). And yet this same God doesn’t only see in me what I so often focus on, the sin & failures, the guilt. God the Father sees in me the righteousness of His Son, our Savior.

That’s what He reminded me of this afternoon as I knelt on my bed, crying for shame & guilt of my shortcomings. And to my heart, three simple words, yet so profound that it will take eternity to understand: He loves me.

Yes, in myself I am weak – so very prone to give into the temptation of the easy, selfish path. But in my weakness is the opportunity for His strength to be displayed, for His glory.

Because if living the Christian life—a life that pleases God—is something that I could work up to do in my own strength, there would have been no need for Christ to come.

I need Him, He who has fought the war and won the victory; He who has defeated the enemies of sin and Satan and death. The balance is there: The war has been won, and yet I am called to fight the daily battles by the power of the Victor flowing in and through me.

Yesterday as I worked on laundry, some of these same thoughts which have been common these past weeks were already circling in my mind. I shut off the podcast I was listening to, and prayed seeking to listen to my God instead. And in that, I was reminded of the need to put to death my old man, my fleshly desires, each day. But I can’t even crucify my own flesh – that can only be done through the Spirit who brings life in the place of death (Romans 8:13).

Thanks be to God, it is not that I must struggle against my flesh in order to win God’s acceptance and approval. On the contrary, He has adopted me as His daughter through Christ’s death – thereby giving the only reason I have hope of choosing life over the sin and death which form our natural, fallen state (Romans 8:12-17).

And yesterday, as He called me to the beginning of this memory, my mind flew back to a little something I had started in March and finished in June:

I say I started it in March. That’s not strictly true. March is when I pulled some images of crosses from the Internet and selected a font, all of which I began to combine and trace to make this image. But the story of this picture started almost four years ago, on my 21^st birthday at JBU’s Sunday night chapel service. It was there that the words “I am Thine” (referring to myself in relationship to my heavenly Lord, obviously) became emblazoned on my mind. They’ve been there ever since, and often my heart has repeated that cry.

The cross was added to the mental image later, in Northern Ireland. That’s a story of its own, perhaps for another day. But over these past two years since that trip, I’ve been wanting to draw this. Last month, the image was finally completed. And yesterday, it suddenly took on even deeper significance. Not only is the cross the symbol of Christ’s redemption of our souls, it is also the symbol of what we are called to: To take up our cross each day – not to earn our salvation, but because we have it (Luke 9:23-25, Philippians 3:7-11).

These words, this symbol – they are far beyond anything I can accomplish in and of myself. It is all Christ. Therefore, I will gladly boast in my weakness, that through me the strength of His grace may be seen (2 Corinthians 12:9). For His glory alone.

Learning to Live in Freedom

“‘Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free……Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:32, 34-36).

It started a couple months ago when I was at Kobwin. When I was hesitant and unsure, one of the family mothers spoke words that went straight to my heart and embedded deeply there, beyond the surface details of the situation. “Don’t be afraid,” she said. “Be free.”

Be free.

Such simple words. But so easy to forget. Since that day, that same idea keeps popping up. So much so that my new bracelet became a combination of hope and freedom. (I haven’t posted the story about my bracelets. I’ll have to write that sometime soon.)

The Holy Spirit had been convicting me the past couple weeks (ever since I thought about & shared my testimony with my Institute class) that much of my life I have been bound by fear of one sort or another. Fear of failure/imperfection, fear of rejection, fear of not being in control (fear of misfortunes). And when fear is a major motivating factor in my life, it chases peace and joy.

Of course, I know with my head that I can’t keep myself from making mistakes in my own strength. I know that my identity must not be bound by what other people think of me (what “they say”). And I know that there’s no way I can prevent bad things from happening! But knowing the truth doesn’t always mean I live by it, sadly.

Almost two weeks ago, there was a situation in which I was trying to serve others out of my own strength, and probably for my own honor. But when my strength ran out, I started behaving rudely to the people around me. In those moments, I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t stop. I was exhausted, shattered by the end of it. I’ve been feeling that shattered, exhausted feeling a couple times since then….

Even as I was walking back to my house, I knew that I would need to apologize to some people. I can’t remember if I confessed it to God in prayer that night or the next morning……but as I thought about what had happened the following day, I fell into the old habit of berating myself for falling short of my own expectations. And God’s, right??

“You were behaving like such a brat!” I told myself, among other things. But as my mind thought that last word, it flew to a story in a childhood series I loved to read. At first, I wanted to ignore it as a rabbit trail, away from what I thought was important at the moment. But I felt the Spirit prompting me to remember the story.

{As a very brief explanation, the series is an allegory about God’s Story in three parts: Tales of the Kingdom, the Resistance, and the Restoration. The world is pictured in the first two as the Enchanted City, under the control of an evil emperor. The true King spends the first book living in exile, but he comes back to the city in the second book.}

In this particular chapter, young orphaned children are forced to work underground keeping the city’s massive sewage and power systems working. They are called Sewer Rats and Boiler Brats. And they live their lives bound in fear: fear that the city’s infrastructure will grind to a halt on their watch (as it often did), bringing a dreaded visit from the emperor or at least his evil henchmen. Which always brought punishment for failing what was really an impossible task.

But one night, the exiled King miraculously appears in their dark underground world. He offers them love, acceptance, and freedom—and he leads them out of the prison of fear back to his kingdom outside the borders of the Enchanted City. In his kingdom, there are no orphans. There are adopted sons and daughters.

I don’t know when I had last thought about that series—it had been a while. But God used that story, along with other things He has been reminding me of, to learn something “new” with my heart (of course, it’s not really new. Rather, it’s an old lesson. But it’s something which has often been stuck at a head knowledge level in my life).

So often, I fail. And when I fail, I mentally beat myself up over it. And I feel like God must be so disappointed in me. When I turn to Him and confess, I usually do so in an attitude of trying to humiliate myself before Him like the prodigal son tried to do. And so often, I find myself met with God’s grace and love and forgiveness and acceptance—not the condemnation I know so well I deserve. I know this is because through Christ’s finish work—wonder of wonders—God sees in me the righteousness of Christ.

That morning as I sat here thinking about my mistake, and yet the freedom I have in Christ from guilt and condemnation, God taught my heart in a deeper way than I had known before that the past is the past. It does no good to wallow in guilt and to hold onto that feeling that I have failed. I can never change the past. I can choose the present and hope for the future. But the choice is not one I am required to make in my own strength – and the hope is not an empty, wishful thinking. Both are guided and guarded by Christ. And the past? Its mistakes are wiped clean by Christ.

I don’t by any means wish to cheapen God’s grace. That is, of course, the danger with such a line of thinking. Paul felt the same tension in Romans 5:20-6:1ff. But just yesterday I was part of a conversation in which we were discussing the difference between conviction and guilt. My tendency is definitely to guilt trip myself….and it’s a habit that I can see God calling me out of.

Our Father does not want His beloved children bound by the guilt of the past. Jesus Christ has dealt with the past, IT IS FINISHED (John 19:30). We are FREE from the guilt of the past (though not always all the consequences—BUT GOD will use even them for good) because of HIS completed work.

“Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them” (Psalms 32:1-2, as quoted in Romans 4:8). The truth and beauty of those verses swept over my soul amidst tears just a few days ago. I’ve often been living under a cloud of guilt and fear for months and years. But thanks be to God for His patience with me! He’s never giving up, and the light of His truth and grace and FREEDOM are continuing to break through.

Because He is good, and His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.

When Life Changes in a Moment

Tuesday, January 25, 2011. It seemed like a perfectly normal day, but I will forever mark it as the day God revolutionized my life. I stood in chapel at my small, Christian college singing during the worship time. For some reason I sat further back than normal—nearly under the shelter of the upstairs balcony.

As I sang, surrounded by hundreds of my fellow students and yet feeling alone, my mind returned to the questions I had asked so often throughout high school and my first year and a half of college. “Why God? Why is it that I feel like I want a deeper relationship with You and yet nothing changes? Why do You seem so silent? I try so hard.”

There was no rending of the heavens, no vision of glorious majesty. But there was a simple Thought, sent—I believe—by the Holy Spirit at just the moment He had crafted in His infinite plan.

“What you do is not a question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift, based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no matter what.”

Hearing that truth and truly realizing what it meant in my life for the first time acted as a single beam of light into what had long been the dark room of my spiritual strivings. Looking back now, I can see that I have always tended toward attempting to earn assurance of others’ love and affection for me by working as a people pleaser. I naturally brought that same idea over to my relationship with God.

Yes, I knew intellectually that I could not earn my salvation. And yet as a Christian I had spent the previous years of my life trying to make myself worthy of God’s love and approval – lacking the faith that the Immanuel who came to save people from sin could truly accept me with all of my shortcomings and failings. In some ways it seems so simple and silly – it is in Scripture…I learned those verses and I should have known that receiving salvation did not suddenly mean that I must curry God’s favor (Gal. 3:1-3). Nevertheless that was how I thought, and it is still a trap I often find myself falling into.

I am still nowhere near the perfection I would love to achieve. But the embedding of that truth deep into my spiritual psyche started me on a journey of personal revival which God is still unfolding. The beauty of it all is that there was nothing special about that day – no reason from my end for the blessings I have since received. It is all Grace – God’s amazing Grace. And that’s the whole point. Yes, it is tempting to question why not sooner. But the answer goes right back to the lesson. God’s Grace is not bound by human understanding. No, I didn’t deserve what happened on January 25^th any more than I had any other day. But that is the beauty of Grace.

{This was originally posted in September of 2012 on Thrive80, a Moody blog that I wrote for occasionally. It was part of a series about "Inciting Incidents"--moments which shape one's life and story--to promote a new book for them, and so this is the moment I wrote about.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day this story is about, so I wanted to put a link on my Facebook page. But when I went back looking for this post, I discovered that the old blog, including my posts, is no longer online. So I re-post here what I wrote for them there, unedited.

Even four years after that day and almost two and a half years after writing this post, I am still learning Grace. And God has proved good and faithful and abundantly gracious during every step of that journey.}

"Whatever You're Doing...."

I’m tired of travelling. I want to arrive already. To be mature. To know. To get to the peak.

And I know that’s not going to happen. I know that my life will continue to be a journey, that I will always always have more to learn and more areas to grow. But it’s hard to let go of that expectation that someday, finally, I’ll have arrived and not have to worry about learning and being willing to accept more changes.

If you’ve been following my life at all this summer, you know I’ve had a roller coaster time of it. Graduating. N.Ireland. Fast transition to North Carolina and SP internship. And now the rest of my life stands before me. I think that so far this calendar year I’ve literally been home in Dallas for less than a month. Well, maybe it’s been as much as six weeks. But especially since May, I’ve been constantly on the go. Four places I’ve come to call home, even for a short time. It’s a lot for someone who doesn’t much like change. And it’s definitely wearing on me.

And yes, this feeling is aggravated by the fact that I am currently sitting in an airport where I ended up with a three-hour wait time for my flight back to Dallas. And that there’s still so much I don’t know about the future. I’ve applied for a job with SP that I really hope to get (man was that ever a journey in itself!!!), but it will probably be several weeks before I find out if they decide to offer me the job or give it to someone else.

It’s been a hard summer in a lot of ways. Just crazy, really. And I can’t tell you how much I have appreciated the friends who have been there to listen to me trying to process through everything that’s been going on. It’s been a yo-yo time a lot, and I know that the prayers of many people are what helped bring me through.

God has been so incredibly, amazingly faithful. And I can recognize that. He has been at work in my life in mighty ways. But it hasn’t been easy. Last weekend I bought a decorative sign that says “FAITH makes things possible… not easy.” Boy, isn’t that the truth. And so I guess I’m writing all this for a couple reasons. One, to admit to the world what is obvious: That I don’t have a handle on life—that I’m still learning and growing, that I still have a long ways to go. Two, to remind myself of God’s faithfulness and how He has proved Himself over and over; that HE will continue to refine me through each step He brings. Three, to see how far God has brought me, and to give myself room for improvement and to have patience with the continuance of the process.

For months, I had been praying that God would break me, would refine me into who He wants me to be. I knew it was a “dangerous” prayer. But I knew it is what I was called to as a Christ-follower, and it really is the deepest, truest wish I have. I knew the process would be hard. And it has been. God has definitely been answering that prayer. I think maybe I expected to “graduate” from that lesson a lot quicker. And I’m realizing the only graduation that will ever come is when I truly get to go home, promoted to glory, to see God face to face.

Yesterday at work as I tried to process through all the last-day emotions which crowded my mind, one line of a song popped into my head: “Whatever You’re doing, fulfill it in me” is how I remembered it. I knew it was from a Christian song, that I must have heard a time or two on the radio or something. This afternoon sitting here in the airport, I looked it up to read the lyrics and then listened to it. And it so completely fits what I’m feeling right now.

Over the past year, and even yesterday afternoon, God has brought me to a place where He has shown me the areas in my life where I am still afraid to trust Him, because of a whole variety of factors, including some past baggage that I’d been stuffing for a long, long time. And it’s still hard to let go of that sense that I need to stay in control, that only I can bring about the “safety” I desire and the goals that I want to reach.

Yes, the attitude I subconsciously had about trusting God for a long time was not healthy. In fact, it is sin. And yesterday, thinking about the fact that when I left work for the last time at the end of my internship I didn’t know if I would come back….I had to admit to myself and to God that I did not want to trust His plan in that. There’s a plan that seems so right and perfect to me, but I cannot make that happen on my own.** It has to be God’s will in order for it to go forward. And I am not enjoying the waiting or the trusting that is, by necessity, involved in that process.

But you know what? God is good. And whatever He has, wherever He takes me, I know that will be good. Probably not easy, and not necessarily my first choice. But good. And I am thankful to Him that He has brought me to a place of at least recognizing my distrust as sin and reminding me again and again that in each moment, each situation, He calls for trust and surrender.

Because He is worthy. And that’s another piece of this that He has been bringing to my attention again and again in this season: The sin and selfishness of my natural tendency to focus on myself and what I will be doing rather than to be focused on Who God is, and the importance of focusing on His Person and Glory. I’m “lucky” (blessed) simply to be a tool, a channel. I’m not the source, I’m not the end goal. He is both.

To Him be the glory.

**sound vaguely familiar? Check out Prov 16:9, 25.

What Hath God Wrought? Pt. 1

{This was originally going to be a short Facebook status update, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it wouldn't be. So instead it became a blog post...and the words just kept coming, and it became a two-part post. The second installment will get posted tomorrow evening! J}

I am so very thankful to God for the work which He has been doing in my life this summer—and all the glory and honor and praise for that certainly goes to HIM and not to me, not at all. The last seven weeks have been hard – probably one of the hardest times of my life. And I haven’t always wanted to listen to God’s still small voice or to be willing to give Him thanks for what He was teaching me through the process.

Last week, I asked a bunch of friends to pray for me…I was at a low point with my internship, and finally realized that I needed to be willing to ask for help and not just try to keep pushing through and doing it all on my own. As I talked about in my last post, it hasn’t always been easy for me to admit my struggles to other people.

But today stands as a testimony to the fact that God honors the prayers of His people. J

Last Monday ended with me breaking down and crying at work. It came from a whole variety of reasons, primarily the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on this year (especially since graduation) and the adjustments I’ve had to make at work. I didn’t realize I had strong expectations coming into this internship, but I definitely did. And the reality has been a lot different than what I expected. Not in a bad way, it’s just a big transition.

I’ve also had the stress hanging over my head, especially since I got back from N.Ireland, about what I’m doing after August 23. I’ve got options, but they all have pros and cons, and none of them is a solid offer—at least not yet. I’m a planner, and it has been super hard to literally not be able to plan and to have no clue where I’ll be headed next (well, that is an exaggeration since I do have ideas…). Over the past couple weeks, I’ve had a few physical “attacks,” in a sense, of deep-seated nausea that I think is from my fretting about not knowing. As I thought about it, I remembered that happened a lot during my senior year of high school too.

There have been lots of people who have been very supportive of me throughout the process, both here at work (even during/after my crying fit) and friends in other places who are so willing to lend a listening ear. That has meant so very much to me!!! So Tuesday was a better day, and then Wednesday I headed out for a work trip to New York. I got back Saturday afternoon, and on Sunday God really did some important work on my soul/spirit, in His timing and His way. J Let me back up a bit before I get into that though.

Ever since the April of my junior year at JBU, trust has been a huge lesson for me. People tell me it always will be—and I believe it! But for me, it really started about 18 months ago. I got senioritis bad my junior year, and part of me was tired of being in school. Another part of me felt like God was asking me if I would be willing to drop out of school if He asked me to. And while I did want to be done with it, I also wanted to finish. I would feel too much like a failure otherwise. I went around and around in circles for months that spring.

In early April, things came to a head. I was just in turmoil. That Good Friday we didn’t have classes – so I took off on my bike and rode for an hour to get to a beautiful state park across the border in Oklahoma. I hiked and enjoyed being outdoors, and I sat and prayed and journaled. And God brought me to a place of showing me that what He wanted was my surrender and trust. The college thing was simply a method to show me that I was still trying to hold onto control, that I had too much fear to truly trust Him. I wrote a post that month with more of an explanation of that day.

For months and months after that, all the way up until last month, the question from that day would often re-echo in my head: “Do you trust Me?” God was so very patient throughout that process. For a while, I would say “yes” reflexively, because that was the “right” answer. Finally, due in part to what I wrote about in my post last week, He brought me to a point where I was more honest with myself and Him and would have to say “no.” Often, my heart’s cry would be Mark 9:24 – “Immediately the father of the [demon-possessed] child cried out and said with tears, ‘Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!’”

{So that's where I'll end tonight's post...it's the best breaking point there is in this thought process....}

Building Confidence

I’ve been writing and rewriting this post in my head for several months. And somehow, tonight just feels right to actually write it. So here goes {deep breath}. But first, let me introduce you to two girls.

Eleanor was not a typical teenager. Sure, she had dreams and ambitions like any young person…but she had also been through a set of experiences which made her unique. Everyone has, but Eleanor’s life made her think that was more so the case in her instance than in the general populations. After all, how many “normal” 13-year-olds can lay claim to the adventure of living in a different country for 6+ months??

Of course, not all the experiences which shaped Eleanor’s personality were positive. She was a very reserved/withdrawn person. She was not inclined to go hang out with friends. She frankly hated the phone (I don’t know why). The friends she did have were all, like her, super focused on and rather overwhelmed by school. Eleanor was a pretty private person. She didn’t share herself—especially her weaknesses/failures—easily with anyone. Not anyone. If she knew I was sharing this, it would make her very uncomfortable.

On the other hand is Ellie. She just graduated from college. She’s also not a “regular” American 20-something. The ideas of either clothes shopping for fun or spending long periods of time getting hair and makeup perfect are—quite frankly—very confusing to her. Ellie is an introvert, and once in a while if she feels too lost in a big group of people she can just go into shut down mode. She’s a perfectionist, and expects a lot of herself—she wants to do things well. In some ways, Ellie is pretty similar to Eleanor.

But at the same time, they are dis-similar. Ellie needs her alone time, but she also needs time with her friends. And that can be either on Skype, texting, or in a phone conversation! In college (especially the last two years), Ellie frequently made the choice to toss her homework aside for “later” while she spent time with friends. That’s something Eleanor couldn’t conceive of. Ellie also values other people’s input, and she is more willing to share about what she struggles with. She often finds herself questioning what other people think of her—but she has close friends who she trusts completely and with whom she finds it easy to be open.

So here we have these two different people. But if you know me very well, you probably picked up on the fact that these are not actually two separate girls. It’s just me, though at two very different times of my life. It’s amazing what a difference 5+ years can make. And believe me, it’s been quite the process. And not always a fun one, that’s for sure. But as I look back, I am thankful for where God has brought me and how He has grown me.

I’ve noticed just in the past 6ish months that I have become a lot more confident—I think in a good way. Last summer, when I interned in DC, my supervisor’s main negative critique on a feedback form was that I was hesitant to step up and introduce myself to people. Now, I certainly don’t claim to have reached perfection on that. As I said above, I’m still an introvert. But I am currently on my second work trip where I go to a location and have the job of interviewing people most of whom I have never met before. (True, I was freaking out/worried about it before Joplin…but that trip went amazingly well and gave me a big confidence boost!) Not to mention that when I came to this job, I knew basically no one. Are there still moments when I am not as outgoing as I sometimes wish I were? Oh yeah, for sure. Ellie is still a perfectionist with high self-expectations! And it’s still an area where I can grow.

But that’s not the only type of confidence I’ve grown in. I’ve also learned to be more self-confident, especially in the area of opening up to the people I trust and sharing my bad times in addition to the good times. And I’ve learned the immense value of friends who will take time to meet you where you’re at and join you on the journey, wherever life has you at the moment. I didn’t have that before I came to college. It wasn’t the fault of the friends I had, it was much more my fault. I didn’t really let any of my friendships in high school get past a pretty shallow “safe zone,” because I didn’t trust people—not anyone specifically, I just didn’t trust anybody in general.

Including God. Which is still hard for me to admit. I only just realized that component of it in January, when the professor for my “Capstone Seminar in Christian Life” class asked us to write “Here I Am” papers discussing our spiritual biographies. Well…I had started to be aware of it a couple months prior when one day, reading through Psalm 139 I realized that I couldn’t say verses 14 and 16 with belief and conviction. Then in January I realized when the breakdown had begun. There was still a lot of hurt and pain I was holding onto—and still am sometimes—a truth I only started realizing fully in April. One day that month, tears flowed as I finally came to grips with and grieved the emotional/spiritual damage done nearly 10 years before to my young self.

To explain the source of that would take too long here…and it would require telling a tale that is 90% not mine to tell. Suffice it to say that although it was not my personal actions or choices which caused the vast majority of what happened, it 100% had an effect on shaping who I am. It deeply impacted me, my family, and other people. And it was hard. And it was painful. And I still feel the resulting wounds. No, I was not a helpless victim in the process. I chose how I responded and acted, and even though I was only 13 at the time and didn’t understand what was happening or how it was affecting me, I am still responsible for the choices I made. {Just to clarify, I was never directly targeted or physically harmed in any way. This was not a physical incident at all, it was “only” relational. And I was a fairly uninvolved bystander who was nevertheless heavily affected by the fallout.}

I now believe that it was my disappointment that God didn’t “fix” everything and put it back to the way that it had been which led to my spiritual “dark age” of 2003 and beyond. And I believe it was my resulting trickle-down distrust of people—in addition to personality tendencies such as perfection—that led to me building a fortress stronghold all around my heart. If I didn’t let anybody in, I couldn’t get hurt, right? If I guarded my emotions and didn’t tell anyone what I struggled with, I would be safer, wouldn’t I? Looking back, I think that’s what my unconscious thought process was.

This obviously affected my whole life—all of my relationships. God, parents, friends—I tried to keep all at a safe distance, tried to make sure that I always only put my best foot forward. It was emotionally and spiritually exhausting, and I felt so very lonely. But for such a long time, I didn’t realize where the breakdown had occurred. Oh, I knew there was a problem. I just didn’t know how to fix it. And my way (trying harder) was NOT working.

But God didn’t leave me there. Finally, on Jan. 25, 2011 His message of GRACE broke through loud and clear. It has still often seemed like a long/tedious/difficult/painful process since then…but once God got my vertical relationship onto the foundation that it should be on, my horizontal relationships also started shifting.

August 28, 2009 was my second day of classes at John Brown University as a pretty clueless freshman. It was also my first regular chapel, the first of many many in my undergraduate career! But I will always remember that chapel. President Pollard spoke, as he always does on the first chapel of the semester. He shared from John 9, about the miracle where Jesus spit, made mud to put on a blind guy’s eyes, and told him to go wash in the pool of Siloam. The name of the town that came to be a second home over the next four years is Siloam Springs, after that pool.

At that early date, I was still clueless about how much healing God was going to do in my life. In fact, I didn’t realize how much healing I needed. Looking back at John 9 tonight, I noticed something I hadn’t connected before. In verse 7, John tells us that “Siloam” meant “sent.” I don’t know that I’ve really blogged about it before…but I was definitely sent to JBU—even though I didn’t recognize it as that at the time. I honestly went to the school because a friend at church “just happened” to suggest I look into it, and it’s where I ended up receiving the best financial aid package from, plus having the major I wanted to pursue. I only applied to three schools – so it’s not like I really looked into that many options. But I firmly believe God sent me to exactly the right place!

During my last semester this past spring, as this realization was growing in my mind, I noticed a sign that perfectly summed up why JBU is now such an important part of my life. A couple days after graduation, a good friend of mine from church took me out to Fayetteville for breakfast. As we came back into town, I asked if we could stop to take a picture by the sign. She was kind enough to oblige J

So that’s my story. But it’s really not my story. It’s a story of what GOD has done in my life, through the work of a whole variety of influences. And I can now say that I am thankful for all of it—the parts which were good and beautiful, and even those parts that I don’t understand and which were/still are painful to remember.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And He is ALWAYS faithful to do His work!

A Great Morning to be in Church :)

Oh my, today’s been AMAZING and it’s only 3:00 in the afternoon! My God is so gracious and so amazing and so patient. He just keeps opening my eyes wider and wider and teaching me more and more!!!!!!!!

It started with the worship service at church this morning. My church here has an open worship service, where any men in the body can stand up and share whatever is on their hearts. Typically in the past it hasn’t always been all that meaningful to me…but the problem has been with me and not with what is being shared. But this morning was different. I could see how what each man said fit together and applied to me. It had meaning and wasn’t just something that seemed lifeless.

Before I really get into today, let me back up and say that not too much exciting had happened spiritually in my life since my last post. Other than one weekend of conviction and regret turned to praise, my spiritual walk had hit the summer slump I had expected. I’m reading through a chronological Bible in a year, but I have mainly been just going through the motions. Today in church was different – it was alive.

Our opener started the meeting by reading Hebrews 10:11-22 about how animal sacrifices could never truly cleanse people from sin, but how Christ’s sacrifice does provide complete and final cleansing. I love Hebrews so much. It’s definitely one of my top five favorite books in the Bible. In this passage, I especially like verses 19 and 22: “Therefore brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus…let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” He also read from a hymn that summed it up nicely, though I can’t remember now which hymn it was!

The next man read from John 15:9 and talked some about how Christ loves us with the same love which the Father has for Him. We can’t begin to comprehend exactly what that love is like, but some of the words that came to my mind to describe it were: eternal—limitless—unchanging—perfect.

Another person shared a story from his childhood about how he broke his toe, an injury that took six months to heal. He kept limping even after it healed, however. He tied that idea into Hebrews 9:14—Even though we have been completely cleansed by Christ’s blood, we sometimes still walk with a limp of sin. But God has cleansed us in order that we may serve Him. This is how I feel a lot of the time, and I had a similar limping experience when I bruised my foot badly last month.

After he shared, it was as though I heard a voice inside of me whispering “Keep Listening. Keep Seeking. Yearn for Me and I will fulfill you.” It’s so easy to be distracted by our failures, our busy life, whatever. But the only solid place and the only place of no regrets is when our focus is on God and His will for our lives.

Referring to Exodus 14 and 15, the next man talked about how even though Israelites had just seen God perform amazing miracles in Egypt and the Red Sea, they put their focus on their physical needs rather than remembering that God could easily provide for them.

Another man read Jeremiah 31:27-34 (which I love!) about how God remains faithful even when we are not.

Lastly, we did a responsive reading that included Hebrews 10:14, and it struck me. The verse talks about how Christ has “perfected forever” (past tense/completed) those who “are being sanctified” (present tense/ongoing). It’s so hard for me to get my mind around that….I am completely perfect in Christ, and yet there is this daily, ongoing choice to live in it or not.

Looking back and trying to recapture that sense of what I was learning this morning is difficult. In some ways, it makes me worry that I’m turning into an experientialist… that I’m basing my spiritual health on these experiences that I’ve been having. I know that having the experiences isn’t enough. I believe that spiritual experiences are valid, but they must always be based in God’s Word and revealed truth. Also, I shouldn’t just live for the experiences. I should live out what I learn in my daily life. The practical application is always harder to accomplish than the feelings of joy and spiritual understanding. But as I choose to continue seeking my Savior’s face, I have faith in Him that I will grow in my knowledge and in my walk.

Who's doing it?

This morning I read 1 Thessalonians 5. A few years ago I had memorized this book for Bible Quizzing, but to my discredit I have not retained it very well. So I wanted to go back and re-read it. The last few verses are such a good reminder:

23 Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely;
and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved
blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
24 He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.

This comes right after a list of very good instructions:

16 Rejoice always,
17 pray without ceasing,
18 in everything give thanks;
for this is the will of God
in Christ Jesus for you.

19 Do not quench the Spirit.
20 Do not despise prophecies.
21 Test all things;
hold fast what is good.
22 Abstain from every form of evil.

But verse 23 should always remind us that GOD is the one who sanctifies us, not following a set of rules, and verse 24 reminds us that He will get it done. In other words, it is not up to us to follow a lot of rules in order to make ourselves perfect. God is working in our lives through whatever happens. He will accomplish His plan. Our task is to submit to His working in our lives and to truly live out what we say we believe.
Please pray for me, that I would live out what I have written here this morning. That I would submit to my Father’s training of me and that I would rely on His Spirit, not on my own strength.

Welcome!

Welcome to my new space in the world of the Internet! My goal for this blog is that it will be more than just a stating of what happened in my life (though there will be some of that too, and that's fine). My number one desire in life is to seek after God (at least that's what I want to be number one), and I would like this blog to reflect that aim.

In this light, the rest of my first post will be the essay that I wrote for a college application recently. The prompt question was "What does having a relationship with God mean to you?" In the process of writing that essay, Philippians 3:10 came to mind and, through an impromptu study of Philippians, came alive. Now to the essay:

To me, having a personal relationship with God is the most important goal of my life. Although there are others things that I want to do, I want that to be number one. By some definitions, I already have a relationship with God, because I have received His gift of eternal life which I did not deserve. A true relationship with God, however, is much more than that. It consists of a friendship, which would involve listening to God, talking with Him, and acting in ways which would please Him.

Hearing God comes through reading His word, but not just to do my duty. If my heart is truly seeking to know His will, I will do more than just read a few verses and go on my way, forgetting what I have just read. Earlier this month I went on a senior retreat with the homeschool group I will be graduating with. We had a youth pastor from a local church as our speaker, and his topic was hearing God’s voice. His main point was that listening to God does not only include reading the Bible, it also consists of meditating on what the Bible says, thus applying it to my daily life. I have found this advice helpful, since my Bible reading had typically been just that: reading without any real application. Last night I read through Philippians, and wrote about some of the verses. It amazed me what God showed me, especially since some of it dealt with having a relationship with God.

Although prayers is an important part of my relationship with God, I should not demand things of God, expecting Him to give me what I want when I want it. He knows what is best for me, and His plan is already in place to carry that out. God does tell me, however, to pray for what I desire, though I should do so submissively. Talking with God is not just for asking things of Him, even if it is done in the right attitude. Prayer is also a chance to express my worship, praise, and adoration to God, and to thank Him for all the ways He provides for me.

Besides communication with God, my actions are also an important part of our relationship. When I read through Philippians, God reminded me of several things having to do with how I live my life. One of the verses He used was Philippians 1:6, “He who has begun a good work in you will complete it.” This points out that God started the work, He is doing the work, and He will finish the work. Often times I think that I can do it, that I can help God fix me, but this is not the case. It is His work, not mine. I can’t, He can and will. Philippians 2:13, “For it is God who works in you, both to will and to do for His good pleasure,” demonstrates this same idea. He both plans and executes the work. I can take no credit for what He does in me, often despite my shortcomings.

Philippians 3:10 is what got me started yesterday evening. It says “That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.” I think that this verse really sums up the goal of my life. As I thought about it, I noticed that it talks about resurrection power. I can not have resurrection power if I have not died to self, been conformed to Christ’s death. This is the context of the popular verse “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). That strength is the resurrection power of Christ.

In the end, I can see that God is not through with me yet. I often do not utilize that resurrection power that is available to me, and when I rely on my own flesh I fail. I know, however, that God will continue to work out His plan in my life, and that the process will be easier if I submit to His Spirit. God continues to instruct me, even through answering this question. He has given me His word, He listens to my prayers, and He offers His strength and power to enable me to go out and live a life pleasing to Him. In light of all this, onward we go, “that I may know Him.”