On Thursday, by the help of Paraclete, I finally confessed & repented of the fear & distrust I’ve been harboring toward God for a few years now. If you’re surprised to hear me admit that, I think I’ve been a “horrifically ‘good’ hypocrite.” If you’re not surprised, consider yourself privileged that I didn’t try to hide it from you too.
The back story that led up to Thurs night will appear on the blog of my journey with bipolar later … but for now I wanted to leave this here as a testimony to God’s faithfulness.
Because He helped me to finally lift up my eyes from the deep hurt I was clinging to {the “that” of the 2nd line of the quote}. This is what I wrote in my journal as I chose with His enabling, helping hand to change perspective.
Sure, work is still hectic. Yes, I still have bipolar. But I’m done acting like an abused victim! I’m done charading around trying to cover over a heart full of pain & darkness.
But God, that is NOT what I want to choose to believe about You.
But God, those are the lies of the enemy rather than Your true truth.
But God, You have promised in Your Word to work all things for good to those who love You & are called by You.
But God, I believe I am called and redeemed by Your grace & mercy, regardless of how much I want to run away.
But God, please whisper Your truth into my soul; draw me back into abiding trust & sweet communion in You!
But God, I don’t want to live this lousy hypocritical life any more. I am not living with integrity before You!
But God, I confess this to You.
But God, cause my eyes to see You as You truly are and to repent in sackcloth & ashes.
But God, You ARE the Kintsugi Artist who redeems & restores that which You did not lightly allow to break.
But God, my hope & joy are in Jesus Christ, NOT in my circumstances!*
But God, YOU are worthy.
…
Praise You, Paraclete. Only You could turn something so big & scary into something so beautiful & sacred!
I declare that I am nothing without You in my life. You are worthy & I praise You for Your perfect goodness—and I choose to root my trust back into You. I cannot keep that commitment on my own, But God, You are exceedingly, abundantly able to equip me with the humility of surrender. I believe You!
*A paraphrase from one of Elizabeth’s prayers in the movie
War Room.
I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I seek to replow
the ground of my heart & mind. It’s been rutted pretty deeply over the past
3.5-5 years into some negative thought patterns – but NOTHING is impossible for
my God!!!!!
Yesterday, for the first time in about six months, I pulled
my Bible off my shelf for individual, personal Bible study. And it was sweet!
This morning, I fell back into the rut and didn’t think of
doing that until after I had been at work for a few hours.
But tomorrow is a new day!! And I serve a patient, faithful
God!!
