I Know Nothing of Sacrifice

{Warning – this is a rant that has been coming on for a while.}

In three weeks, I’ll be getting on a plane to go back to the bush of Uganda, and I couldn’t be more excited to do it! Yes, there will be luxuries and conveniences that I will certainly miss…but I will also get to see friends again, and I will get to be joining a ministry which seeks to help kids know the Fatherhood of God by experiencing it through us.

Sometimes, though, the thoughts—thoughts of what I’m leaving behind, thoughts of what I’m missing out on—are challenging to accept.

The other day, I received an email from a friend making a referral of a job possibility for me. When I first read the email, I didn’t think too much of it. I am committed to Uganda for at least 14 months, and I am eager to fulfill that commitment, especially because I am confident Kasana is where God is leading me!

But last night, when I opened up an email to let the person know I wasn’t available, it hit me more. Here was a job opportunity. A “real,” “big-girl” job. One in my degree field. One that would—I assume—allow me to provide for myself financially….to be fully independent for the first time since graduation.

In some ways, it was very tempting. It was a moment where I had to let go of my desire to be self-sufficient on my own. A moment where I had to once again trust God’s leading…trust Him to provide for me as I go into this place where I will be 100% counting on the support and donations of friends.

Today, I sent the email refusing the job opportunity, and there was no serious hesitation in that choice. But it did get me thinking.

Because it feels so unfair. It seems as though I am sacrificing a lot to go where I will have intermittent electricity and internet. Where there is no air conditioning other than the breeze. Where my freedom to move about will be somewhat hampered by basic safety concerns. Where there are no washing machines, dryers, microwaves, or dishwashers. Where I must count on people’s generosity for everything.

This is especially true when I think about other bigger missions organizations I know about which pay their staff members comfortable incomes. My mind goes to at least one “non-profit” whose president and handful of VPs each make six-figure annual incomes. Yes, they do good, good work. But how many MORE people could they help if those organizational leaders chose to live more modest lives?

We Americans think—I so often think—that we/I “deserve” a certain standard of living. We have a huge sense of entitlement that honestly is a bunch of bologna.

One job I applied for last fall here in the States probably would have paid me more in one year than some of my friends in Uganda—the better employed ones!—could dream of making, even if they worked for 50 years (in a country where the life expectancy is 58). I can go to a fast food place here and blow more money on one meal than day laborers there can make in a week.

And when I think of that, it makes me sick. And it makes me realize that I know nothing of sacrifice.

 Sure, in the bush of Uganda I will lack a lot of conveniences. But I will still be living the “good life.” I have friends who live in the village who have no power at all. No Internet, definitely no cable, probably no TV at all. Who probably do not have bathroom facilities. Who probably have to walk a good distance just to fetch water.

I don’t write this so that you will pity them. They don’t need your pity. Many of them know more about living an intentional, communitarian life than most Americans. Relationally, I believe they lead much richer lives. Because when someone has a need, they do what they can to help fulfill it. They care for one another and help bear one another burdens on a daily basis, and it is beautiful to witness.

Earlier today, as I was holding this rant in the recesses of my own mind, a thought struck me.

I definitely do not really know anything of sacrifice. Even my friends in Uganda do not know all there is of sacrifice.

We each know different parts of sacrifice. They know what it is to truly be in want. But they did not choose that station in life, and many of them wish to better their circumstances. For me, I am choosing to give up certain things. But as I said, I will still be living a comfortable life compared to parts of the world. What’s more, I have the certain opportunity to return to my plush, fancy (albeit middle-class) life in America.

But there is Another who knows everything that sacrifice entails. One who gave up the riches of the universe for a peasant’s life—who during His sojourn here did not even have a place to lay His heavenly head.

And that was only the beginning of the Truest Sacrifice.

Because not only was He poor. Not only was He misunderstood and often rejected. Not only was He bound for the first time in eternity by the constraints and weaknesses of a human body. On top of all these—each a sacrifice bigger than any I could possibly make, even if I lost everything and went to live in the poorest streets of the world—On top of all these, He willingly chose to relinquish His right to command angel armies. His right to be worshipped for Who He was. He gave up His very life. For what? For His glory, yes. But it was also for His enemies that He made this sacrifice. For you and me.

Because what do we as human beings actually, truly deserve?

We deserve to be destroyed, to be banished from God’s presence forever. We deserve nothing other than the wrath and judgment of God. This very instant. Every breath any human breathes—the fact that the world still exists and we are alive—is a gift of God’s grace. But the fact that He has made me His own dear child—and that at such a high cost……there are no words for such grace and love.

The innumerable physical luxuries I am enjoying this very moment? Sitting here in my room of a house, with lights, AC, laptop, music, a closet full of clothes, a satisfied stomach, money in my purse, clean from a running water shower…….Those are not things that I deserve. They are gifts. But at worst, they can be horrible distractions.

And as I think of all this, I can’t wait to go back to Uganda. To go back to a place where I am reminded on a daily basis that I must depend on God for the strength to face each moment. Where I am confronted every day with how enormously blessed I am.

What’s more, I’ll be following in the footsteps of my Savior. Not because of how good I am, but because of His grace and mercy at work in my life. And it’s all for His glory, for the sake of His great name.

There’s nothing else to say to that.

A Reminder to Hold Loosely

I like my stuff.

I sit here, in this room that has been “mine” for nearly 11 years. My closet is filled with clothes (more are in a tub under my bed) and with storage drawers stuffed with my college apartment kitchen items.

Two bookshelves hold rows and rows of books, as well as knick knacks. My windowsill holds more of the latter, as does another tub under my bed.

So much stuff.

And sometimes I can feel it weighing me down. But the thought of getting rid of it all feels too big and hard. Besides, I like it. And I may want/need it sometime.

Spending five months in Uganda and my plans to go back in September serve as a constant reminder that all this stuff can’t go with me everywhere. Especially at the end of time, when much of it and what it represents will simply burn (1 Cor. 3:10-15).

This morning I decided to work on a project that is fairly mindless: Making “refrigerator” birthday cards for my teacher-boss to use for her new students. I decided I may as well listen to an audio book while I did, so I finally opened a folder I had put on my desktop back in November—Packing Light: Thoughts on Living Life with Less Baggage. 

I’m not sure what I was expecting…..but I guess I wasn’t expecting what I got: what felt like a personalized message just for me. I identify with a lot of what the author, Allison Vesterfelt, talks about. I’ve only listened to about a third of the book, but I can tell it will join the {long} list of influential/favorite books in my life.

What happens when a 20-something gets urged by a friend to drop her outwardly good/perfect life and embark on a road trip journey to all 50 states?  I don’t want to spoil the book for you (because you should read it!), so I won’t tell you much of the answer to that. Hey, you can even get the audio book for free if you subscribe to Moody Collective’s email list! Go do it here, I’ll wait J

I will share with you a little bit about how, in light of the tension between my stuff and my plans for the next year and a half, God’s using this book in my life today.

Early on in her book, Vesterfelt offers up an interesting take on the parable of the rich young ruler that I found applicable and compelling in my current situation. As I listened, I remembered wrestling with a similar feeling last fall as I contemplated giving up/putting on hold my desire to get settled down into what American culture seems to advertise as the good life of working a regular, salaried job. {You can read my posts about thinking through that here and here.}

Vesterfelt suggests that perhaps the rich young ruler wasn’t just looking for self-affirmation. Maybe he came to Jesus asking what he needed to inherit eternal life because he felt the emptiness of the life he was living. Maybe he felt like something was missing, even in the midst of keeping the commandments Jesus listed off for him.

Perhaps, even though he was doing everything he knew to do—even though he had material blessings—perhaps his life still felt lacking. Maybe he wanted to know why, maybe he wanted to change that.

Jesus basically told him to give up his hold on his possessions, to come join Christ in His ministry, to be willing to travel light except for the weight of a cross (Mark 10:21). But the young man couldn’t bring himself to commit to that. The thought of the sacrifice was too great.

I don’t know if Vesterfelt’s interpretation of this parable is any more or less correct than the more traditional picture of an arrogant young man with a moral that can tend toward “don’t be rich.” But when I quit working and listening to go make lunch, a question kept weighing on the back of my mind:

Esther, are you willing to pack light? Are you willing to leave baggage—both material and emotional—behind? Are you willing to be soft clay? To continue being stretched and kneaded and molded?

And, at the root of it all, are you willing to trust Me with and for everything?

These questions aren’t just for the next 18 months. They’re not just about this next step of going back to Uganda. These are questions that must be answered and decisions to trust that must be made every moment of every day for the rest of my earthly life.

Because, as much as I wish it were otherwise, life simply doesn’t automatically fall into a super dependable, easy pattern just because I graduated from college. And yes, I see now just how silly that assumption was. But somehow that’s what I wanted and expected a year ago.

I could have made choices that would have been more likely to get me on that route. But I felt God calling me to a different adventure. I felt a tug on my heart to places I didn’t expect and things I don’t feel equipped for. I don’t have the answers of where my life’s ship is sailing. The end harbor that I desire most of all…that I know God will bring me to…is to become like Him, to bring Him glory through His work in my life—to know, to love, and to serve Him and His people.

What route will that take me on? What will be the midpoint destinations between here and there? I don’t feel like I have a clue.

And my soul can feel the fearfulness of that lack of the ability to control my destiny on my own. But as I stood in the kitchen, stirring tuna, noodles, and sauce…I knew there was only one answer. That despite the fear of what sacrifice that choice would ask, there was only one thing I desired with my deepest being.

Yes Lord. Take me and make me Thine. There is nothing else I truly want more. Thine be the glory.

Sources of Satisfaction

In the past week/month, God has used a variety of things to call me out on something which has been an issue in my life for the past several years: Where am I looking for support & fulfillment & satisfaction?

Of course, I know what the answer ought to be – I should be looking to God for those things. But the reality is that over the last weeks/months/even a couple of years, I have been looking to the people around me. Back in high school, I was looking to myself—building walls keeping others out. Neither of these two personal realities is good on their own. I cannot satisfy myself, and other people cannot either. Only God can.

But that requires trusting Him, even when we know that His plans may take us through tough times. I don’t quite know how to articulate this….but in the past couple years my relational life has done a pendulum swing. I started in high school with not letting anyone in….in the middle of college I was maybe closer to a balanced center of finding love and satisfaction in the grace of God….and in the past year the pendulum swung to leaning too heavily on people around me.

Part of the latter is a symptom of the sinful distrust in God which has tried to sprout in my heart as things have not gone as I thought they should since graduation. It’s been a crazy year, full of roller coaster ups and downs. And especially in the months here in Uganda, I’ve been looking to individual people to fulfill my needs rather than truly finding my strength in God alone.

As I said in the first paragraph, God’s been giving me a wakeup call on that. He’s opened my eyes to better see the consequences of me seeking satisfaction primarily from other people. And writing this post isn’t to say I have it perfectly figured out. But I hope that in the coming weeks I will be less needy/demanding and more intentionally caring/loving toward those around me.

Early last month, I read the first chapter of a women’s devotional book[1] that I had “just happened” to find and download for my Kindle app. And it contained a message I greatly needed to hear…but even in the weeks between then and now I have been a very very slow learner in practicing what it taught/reminded me.

In that chapter, Beth Moore tells her readers that she has discovered “what makes life work.” Taking verses from Deuteronomy 7, Colossians 3, and Psalm 63, she challenges us to think about if we have truly taken God as our God, if He is truly our refuge and strength. We should yearn to have relationship and intimacy with Him, not out of a discipline or “have to” attitude, but because we hunger for Him.

“God made our souls to long for Him, and we are not fully satisfied without His presence in our lives,” she writes. She goes on to say that just because we have received salvation through Christ does not guarantee that we are choosing to receive our fulfillment from Him. We can be saved and yet still trying to “do life” by our own power.

She continues, “We are not satisfied by simply accepting salvation and then ascending to heaven when the time comes. Instead, God wants us to have a relationship with Him during our lifetime.” This is certainly something that I have struggled with, because (especially in high school) I often wished I could just escape this life and be done with it all. I just wanted to be home free, in God’s presence. But I’m not. I’m still here.

Rereading this chapter yesterday (when I wrote this) I was again convicted about how much I have tried the two “alternatives” she talks about: “subsistence living” (begging others to fill the vacuum only Christ was meant to fill) and “substitute living” (turning to idols rather than to Christ). Neither of which truly satisfies.

Her application is that we must daily make the choice to very intentionally seek the fulfillment of our needs from God, especially partaking of the food He has given us (His Word) and seeking to have that abide in us. It’s only then that we can be solid and secure, whether people are loving and helpful (which is still nice!) or whether people let us down (which they sometimes/often will, because they are human).

Beth Moore concludes that God’s love is totally unconditional and perfect, and it is better than life (Ps. 63:3). God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us – and that’s why we know that He can be trusted to supply our daily needs. All we need to do is ask!

The weekend before I read this chapter, I had come across this blog post about hungering for God. As I read this young woman’s raw writing, I felt my own heart convicted…and so I began to pray a similar prayer. But in the weeks since then, as God has allowed a variety of circumstances which have tested my response, over and over I have thrown self-pity parties or gone running to people rather than turning to Him. And that is a sin against Him (and others) which I have had to confess this week.

And even though this week has been another hard week, following up on weeks and months of challenges, changes, uncertainties….this time He got my priorities a little straighter. I went to God first. Did it still hurt/cause confusion? For sure. Did I still cry while talking to my mom on the phone about stuff? Oh yeah, I did. Is it still a battle not to be consumed with questioning “why???” or “what if?” and trying to figure out how to make things work my way? Yes, it definitely is.

But I was also able to come to a place—at least for one moment the other morning—where I submitted myself in prayer to whatever God has. And where I found peace in Him. And I pray that I can continue to abide in the Truth and security I found in that moment, no matter how the storms may rage. Because He is the only valid source of true satisfaction.

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[1] A Woman and Her God, ©2003 – each chapter by a different author

A Great Morning to be in Church :)

Oh my, today’s been AMAZING and it’s only 3:00 in the afternoon! My God is so gracious and so amazing and so patient. He just keeps opening my eyes wider and wider and teaching me more and more!!!!!!!!

It started with the worship service at church this morning. My church here has an open worship service, where any men in the body can stand up and share whatever is on their hearts. Typically in the past it hasn’t always been all that meaningful to me…but the problem has been with me and not with what is being shared. But this morning was different. I could see how what each man said fit together and applied to me. It had meaning and wasn’t just something that seemed lifeless.

Before I really get into today, let me back up and say that not too much exciting had happened spiritually in my life since my last post. Other than one weekend of conviction and regret turned to praise, my spiritual walk had hit the summer slump I had expected. I’m reading through a chronological Bible in a year, but I have mainly been just going through the motions. Today in church was different – it was alive.

Our opener started the meeting by reading Hebrews 10:11-22 about how animal sacrifices could never truly cleanse people from sin, but how Christ’s sacrifice does provide complete and final cleansing. I love Hebrews so much. It’s definitely one of my top five favorite books in the Bible. In this passage, I especially like verses 19 and 22: “Therefore brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus…let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” He also read from a hymn that summed it up nicely, though I can’t remember now which hymn it was!

The next man read from John 15:9 and talked some about how Christ loves us with the same love which the Father has for Him. We can’t begin to comprehend exactly what that love is like, but some of the words that came to my mind to describe it were: eternal—limitless—unchanging—perfect.

Another person shared a story from his childhood about how he broke his toe, an injury that took six months to heal. He kept limping even after it healed, however. He tied that idea into Hebrews 9:14—Even though we have been completely cleansed by Christ’s blood, we sometimes still walk with a limp of sin. But God has cleansed us in order that we may serve Him. This is how I feel a lot of the time, and I had a similar limping experience when I bruised my foot badly last month.

After he shared, it was as though I heard a voice inside of me whispering “Keep Listening. Keep Seeking. Yearn for Me and I will fulfill you.” It’s so easy to be distracted by our failures, our busy life, whatever. But the only solid place and the only place of no regrets is when our focus is on God and His will for our lives.

Referring to Exodus 14 and 15, the next man talked about how even though Israelites had just seen God perform amazing miracles in Egypt and the Red Sea, they put their focus on their physical needs rather than remembering that God could easily provide for them.

Another man read Jeremiah 31:27-34 (which I love!) about how God remains faithful even when we are not.

Lastly, we did a responsive reading that included Hebrews 10:14, and it struck me. The verse talks about how Christ has “perfected forever” (past tense/completed) those who “are being sanctified” (present tense/ongoing). It’s so hard for me to get my mind around that….I am completely perfect in Christ, and yet there is this daily, ongoing choice to live in it or not.

Looking back and trying to recapture that sense of what I was learning this morning is difficult. In some ways, it makes me worry that I’m turning into an experientialist… that I’m basing my spiritual health on these experiences that I’ve been having. I know that having the experiences isn’t enough. I believe that spiritual experiences are valid, but they must always be based in God’s Word and revealed truth. Also, I shouldn’t just live for the experiences. I should live out what I learn in my daily life. The practical application is always harder to accomplish than the feelings of joy and spiritual understanding. But as I choose to continue seeking my Savior’s face, I have faith in Him that I will grow in my knowledge and in my walk.