BUT GOD.

On Thursday, by the help of Paraclete, I finally confessed & repented of the fear & distrust I’ve been harboring toward God for a few years now. If you’re surprised to hear me admit that, I think I’ve been a “horrifically ‘good’ hypocrite.” If you’re not surprised, consider yourself privileged that I didn’t try to hide it from you too.

The back story that led up to Thurs night will appear on the blog of my journey with bipolar later … but for now I wanted to leave this here as a testimony to God’s faithfulness.

Because He helped me to finally lift up my eyes from the deep hurt I was clinging to {the “that” of the 2nd line of the quote}. This is what I wrote in my journal as I chose with His enabling, helping hand to change perspective.

Sure, work is still hectic. Yes, I still have bipolar. But I’m done acting like an abused victim! I’m done charading around trying to cover over a heart full of pain & darkness.

 

BUT GOD.

But God, that is NOT what I want to choose to believe about You.

But God, those are the lies of the enemy rather than Your true truth.

But God, You have promised in Your Word to work all things for good to those who love You & are called by You.

But God, I believe I am called and redeemed by Your grace & mercy, regardless of how much I want to run away.

But God, please whisper Your truth into my soul; draw me back into abiding trust & sweet communion in You!

But God, I don’t want to live this lousy hypocritical life any more. I am not living with integrity before You!

But God, I confess this to You.

But God, cause my eyes to see You as You truly are and to repent in sackcloth & ashes.

But God, You ARE the Kintsugi Artist who redeems & restores that which You did not lightly allow to break.

But God, my hope & joy are in Jesus Christ, NOT in my circumstances!*

But God, YOU are worthy.

…

Praise You, Paraclete. Only You could turn something so big & scary into something so beautiful & sacred!

I declare that I am nothing without You in my life. You are worthy & I praise You for Your perfect goodness—and I choose to root my trust back into You. I cannot keep that commitment on my own, But God, You are exceedingly, abundantly able to equip me with the humility of surrender. I believe You!

 

*A paraphrase from one of Elizabeth’s prayers in the movie War Room.

 

I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I seek to replow the ground of my heart & mind. It’s been rutted pretty deeply over the past 3.5-5 years into some negative thought patterns – but NOTHING is impossible for my God!!!!!

Yesterday, for the first time in about six months, I pulled my Bible off my shelf for individual, personal Bible study. And it was sweet!

This morning, I fell back into the rut and didn’t think of doing that until after I had been at work for a few hours.

But tomorrow is a new day!! And I serve a patient, faithful God!!

Praising God, Even in Trials

The past week has brought yet another change, an unexpected turn. On Monday morning, facing what had rather suddenly become my last day to go into the Lahash office, Paraclete gave me a couple words that I knew must be a Bible verse—about God not letting our feet be moved. A quick concordance search later, I found it in Psalm 66:9. That branched out into a three-day study of the whole chapter. Here are my thoughts on it :)

66:1 “Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!”

66:2 “Sing out the honor of His name; Make His praise glorious.” I need these reminders today!!! I do praise You, Abba, and I pray for the humility to praise You even in the midst of challenges.

66:3 God’s works are awesome, and even His enemies shall submit to Him!

66:4 All the earth—that is phenomenal really!!! That there would be global praise! The whole world can’t agree on anything else!

66:5 “Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men.” Amen, I know that is so true even though it doesn’t always feel good.

66:6 An example of God’s mighty deeds—not only once but twice turning water into dry land—worthy of praise!

66:7 God’s power rules, and He sees all the nations! So the rebellious should not exalt themselves!!!

66:8-9 “Oh bless our God, you peoples! And make the voice of His praise to be heard, Who keeps our soul among the living, and does not allow our feet to be moved.” Our call is to bless God and praise Him! He keeps our soul among the living (amen to that!!!) and does not allow our feet to be moved….or to slip! I do praise You, O Lord, for Your amazing graciousness to me!

66:10 But the reason seems counterintuitive….an abrupt turn: Because God has tested us and refined us! Which means being liquified by hot temperatures! Ouch, but I don’t like the truth of that verse!!

66:11-12a gets even worse. These do NOT sound like things to praise & bless God for—God bringing affliction on us??? Oh man! Going through fire & water, I can certainly understand that feeling. But praise & blessing is exactly what the Psalmist is calling us to!!! Oh help me, Lord, to have that heart of submission!

66:12b “But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.” BUT GOD!!!

66:13-15 Bringing offerings to God’s house, paying Him our vows (promised deeds). 

66:16-17 Please God, bring these verses to fulfillment in my heart & life!!!!

66:18 If [when] I regard iniquity, God won’t hear.

66:19 “But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer.” I praise You, O God, for this truth!

66:20 “Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer, Nor His mercy from me!” So so so so very true!!!

Broken Cisterns or The Spring

Caveat: This is something I’m in the process of learning….I don’t really know yet what it looks like to practice applying it! So I write this not because I have all the answers, but because I’m on the journey of discovery.

Recently, I had a heart-to-heart talk with one of my sister-friends. As I was prayer-journaling for her afterwards, part of a verse about broken cisterns came to mind…and I saw how it possibly related to her situation, but how it definitely related to mine.

I didn’t look the verse up to read the whole thing right away. I should have!!!!

Instead, I started writing about the process of repairing a leaking cistern—something I experienced at my house in Kasana, Uganda earlier this year. How the muck from years of use has to be cleaned out. How pick axes have to hammer away at the old cement coating for hours and hours, causing brokenness before the resurfacing can be done. How even after the repair work is finished, the cement has to cure for a couple days before the pipes can be reconnected for the cistern to start refilling. And how God has to send the rain.

I thought it was a great analogy that I wanted to share with all of you.

But then, the next morning when insomnia awakened me before dawn, I pulled my Bible off the shelf and opened to the actual passage. I read the whole chapter, but one verse is where I focused:

“For My people have committed two evils:
They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters,
And hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold no water.” Jeremiah 2:13

The problem is TWO-fold. It’s not just that the people are trying to rely on broken cisterns that can’t hold water. It is ALSO that they forsook God’s spring as the source that they SHOULD be relying on!!!

And so the real call here isn’t to put in the work and effort to repair the broken cistern, like I had thought it was the night before.

The call is to return to HIM!!! See Jeremiah 3:1b:

“‘But you have played the harlot with many lovers;
Yet return to Me,’ says the Lord.”

As I wrote in my quiet time journal, “The call is to leave behind the cistern method [completely] and tap into a spring!!!”

Paraclete reminded me of a couple passages from John where Jesus talked about a similar idea.

John 4:10 & 14 for one, of course! Jesus tells the Samaritan woman that He could give her living water, springing up into everlasting life.

And then John 7:37-39: The call for thirsty people to come to Jesus, that He would make their hearts flow with rivers of living water. Not the often nasty water from cisterns that isn’t safe to drink or cook with, because frogs and snakes and who knows what else have lived and died in it.

As I wrote, “The new covenant ain’t about repairing our broken cisterns!!! It’s about changing our water source completely. And John’s commentary on Jesus’ declaration is important: vs. 39—the promised river of living water is the Spirit of God—it’s a Person! Who indwells us and reminds and teaches us!!!”

That was all several days ago. What brought it back to mind and spurred me on to blog about it was last night at the church accountability group I’m part of. I can’t share about what was shared in the group, for confidentiality reasons. But as I was praying in the car on the drive home, Paraclete brought this concept back to mind.

Any time I am looking to counseling or therapy or a book or medication or anything else physically external to fix me, I’m trying to resurface my broken cistern and missing the real point.

That’s been a growing realization ever since I joined this group back in September. I’m not saying that ANY of those things I listed above are categorically bad. I am taking part in all of them, as I seek continued mental health/healing. BUT! If my faith is in any one of those things, or even in all of them collectively, that is misplaced faith.

I believe that every one of those things can be powerful and needed tools, like tools for gold working or surgical instruments. But it is GOD who is the great Craftsman/Surgeon—it is HE who must be the force behind doing the refining/healing work. And I must actively choose to surrender to Him and to yield myself to the process—and yet also to take part and be involved in it. God must do the work, but I must choose to practice applying what I’m learning.

Praying in the car last night, I just thanked Jesus for His amazing patience with me. Because I am such a slow learner!

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where relationships with other believers falls. I guess that it IS still a “mere” tool—but I think it is part of a trifecta of the most powerful tools: Bible reading/study/meditation, intentional/conversational prayer, and Spirit-led conversations with believers.

Because on Saturday, when I had spent the whole morning home alone, spiraling down into a depressed state faster than a coin in the final stage of a coin tornado, it wasn’t prayer or Bible reading that pulled me out of it. {I was trying to try those things, and they weren’t stopping the mental circles of self-talk.} It was my host mom coming home, seeing my distress, grabbing me in a hug, and praying for me. It was Lahash’s director and his wife coming over and spending a couple hours listening to me share my struggle and praying for me. It was talking to my accountability partner on the phone, sharing with her and listening to her share with me. It was talking to my parents, also on the phone, and sharing with them too.

Well….I didn’t know my blog post about cisterns vs. The Spring was going to include those last two paragraphs too! But there they are :)

And honestly I’m out of words now. Except for this: Please join me in praying for myself—and maybe for yourself too—that God will teach me how to put this idea of changing the water source I rely on into practice. And that I will do that hard work!!! Because it’s ME, making those moment-by-moment decisions, that can change my life. OF COURSE, I cannot do that in my own strength. It has to be Paraclete motivating and enabling me—just as John said in 7:39, it is HE (the Spirit) who is the river of living water!

So here’s to practicing living out the tension/balance of Philippians 2:12-13:

“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.”

May it ever be true of us.

I Am Free

This morning, I rode a boda from Kasana all the way to Luwero (about a 30 minute trip) for the first time. It was still early, and so the wind was cold. But all the way, there was a song ringing through my mind as the wind whipped my friend’s hair into my face:

“I am free to run,
I am free to dance,
I am free to live for You,
Yes, I am free."

{from the Newsboys’ “I am Free”}

We sang this song and another similar one at Envisioning in January, and I loved both songs immediately because they parallel what God has been speaking into my heart the past couple months. I talked about it in an internal way in a blog post early last month.

On the last day of Envisioning, our New Hope staff had communion together. After we finished, the pastor who had led asked the worship band to play “Jailbreak” again. He called on one of the men to carry a medium-sized cross displayed in our church around the outside perimeter of our meeting area. And he encouraged all of us to parade after it, celebrating the freedom we have in Christ because of His finished work.

Because of the work God had been doing in my life that week, I was eager for an opportunity to express my thankfulness. I tried dancing and singing at the same time, which just made me breathless. For the first time in my life, I worshipped with true abandon….not caring if I made a fool of myself. The memory almost brings tears of joy to my eyes :)

So why do I write all of this now, almost two months later? Because God, in His faithfulness, is continuing to bring home the application of these glorious truths in my life. A big tool for that has been the Institute – it is an amazing, challenging, soul-searching journey rightly compared to heart surgery :) And the past week has been another big step in that process.

Uncle Jonnes, the Ugandan cofounder of New Hope Uganda, did most of the teaching this week about heart wounds, what causes them, and how to deal with them. He has been teaching from Isaiah 53 and Mark 15 about how Christ came to bear and set us free from our sorrows and grief as well as our sin. Yesterday, the week culminated in a journey to the cross.

During an hour of reflection, we each read through some Scripture passages Uncle Jonnes had given us and then spent time thinking about some of the things which have hurt us, the wounds of which we were still carrying. He told us to write them down, then bring them and nail them to the same cross I mentioned earlier.

“Don’t keep a copy!” he instructed. “We’re going to write on each of these papers Jesus’ words: ‘It is finished,’ and then we are going to do with them what needs to be done.” The hour flew by too fast, probably because I was writing more detail than he intended us to. Forgiving a boy for an act of immaturity that I have been subconsciously letting define me for nearly two decades. Losses that I have never grieved properly. Wounds which, though I have been processing them, have still been affecting me. I went onto a second page and was late going back to class. The tears flowed, sometimes at surprising moments.

Finally I made my way back, and with the others nailed the folded paper onto a representation of our Savior’s cross. Uncle Jonnes reminded us that if we keep on carrying these things which Jesus came to put to death with Himself, then we are acting out a belief that His work is not sufficient. A word of prayer, and then the papers were removed.

Uncle Jonnes carried them outside, to where a sigiri waited with hot charcoal on it. And there, as we watched, the papers burned—a sweet smelling offering to the Lord. Those things do not define us: Christ’s righteousness and wholeness does. It. Is. FINISHED. And in our Savior, we are FREE.

The peace and quietness dwelling in my heart since yesterday has been a sweet blessing. Of course, I know there will obviously be more challenges in my life ahead. Even those things I wrote down may continue to haunt and shape me…..IF I LET THEM. As Uncle Jonnes reminded us, this is a journey. And yesterday was just one step of the journey.

But it was a beautiful step, and one I am still rejoicing in today :)

The Trust Test

Since I know that God is good, will I be willing to trust Him to do what is best—first for His glory, but also for myself and each of His children?

That question has been developing in the background of my mind a LOT over the past year. And in the past nine months—full of ups and downs and unexpected turns—a lot of my times of tears and frustration (and there have been many….) have resulted from the answer to this very important question being “no” in my practical, daily life/thoughts/attitude.

If you want all the background and the long explanation that demonstrates my “context” strength,[1] I was halfway done writing it before I remembered that looking back and being stuck in the past can also be part of my problem. This blog started with Philippians 3….and part of that is “forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (vs. 13b-14). At the same time, God does tell His people over and over to “Remember” what He has done. I’m just not always good at maintaining a balance there.

Enough about me. In this case (or at least for this post), I’m going to work harder to error on the side of leaving the past behind and just talk about the Truth and the present. But mentions of the past will creep in, and I may post the “full” backstory another day.

A couple Saturdays ago, I was blessed with a beautiful time of meditating on God’s Word and fellowshipping with/worshipping Him. We needed to have a long talk, so I headed out to the Enterprise farm and stayed there for a couple hours. During that time, He brought together ideas from a year ago and ideas from the past couple months, and it’s like someone had fit a bunch of tiny puzzle pieces together and then zoomed out to show a more complete picture as a result. And today God brought me back to that picture again.

I struggle with demanding “why??” of God. Over the past year, He has been in the process of calling me out on that and instructing me to trust Him. And He has been bringing healing to some old, deep wounds that I had tried to stuff and ignore for a long, long time.

To quote from my journal entry that Saturday morning, even though mistakes and bad things will happen in life, “God will use and redeem all situations (past, present, and future) for the Ultimate Good: His Glory. We are called to walk in humility in light of that truth (Micah 6:8 and the labyrinth walk almost exactly a year ago), and we do NOT have the right to demand “WHY?” in a self-centered way.”

My mind flew to the verse about “does the clay have the right to ask of the potter, ‘why have you made me like this?’” That’s the Esther paraphrase, so it took a little searching to find it….but thankfully I did, in Romans 9:20-21:

“But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why have you made me like this?’ Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor?”

My journaling continued: “That’s the key. And suddenly so very many pieces from the past months and years fall into place. Yes, that truth is very Calvinistic. But it is true, and in the end it’s what brings peace to my stirred-up heart….And it is in the Ultimate Truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty that I can REJOICE,” referring to Philippians 4:4 which “just happened” to be printed on that page of my journal.

Yesterday morning before church I had already felt that like writing this post. And then in church, we sang this song that says, in part, “We love You Lord, we worship You / You are our God, You alone are good.” That brought together so perfectly my Enterprise farm time and my island reflections that I couldn’t not write about it.

Because it’s certainly not a mistake that those passages—“all things work together for good,” we are predestined to be “conformed to the image of His Son,” and “O man, who are you…?”—are in such close proximity (Romans 8:28-29, 9:20-21). Paul recognized that this was a hard thing! In fact, his topic in Romans 9 (Israel’s rejection of God) brought him “great sorrow and continual grief in [his] heart” (9:2). He was probably preaching to himself just as much as to his audience when he wrote about the potter having power over the clay.

He longed and yearned with all his being for his brethren and fellow countrymen to recognize the truth he wrote of in 8:37-39 – that nothing can separate us from the love of God. In 1 Corinthians 9:19-27, which was preached on yesterday, he talks about the lengths to which he was willing to go for just such a purpose. {I confess that my life is deeply lacking of a similar concern.}

So knowing the truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty does NOT mean that suddenly I am happy-go-lucky and without a care in the world. It also does NOT mean that my freewill decisions and actions are without effects/consequences. Another part of the song above references this too:

You asked Your Son to carry this,
The heavy cross, our weight of sin.
I love You Lord, I worship You;
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.
I give my life to honor this:
The love of Christ, the Savior King.

My brain is kind of going in circles (that’s what happens when I don’t plan these out before writing)…because that takes us right back to Romans 8:37-39, which is why we can claim to be “more than conquerors through Him who loved us,” not through our own striving, effort, or strength.

The past couple weeks, as it has felt like I have made a huge mess of things, this is the only thing I know I can hold onto—that even when I have acted in my own self-interest….or that even when trying my hardest to do what is right and best has seemed to back fire instead—that even there in the midst of my mess Christ is standing before God, who still sits on the throne. And God sees in me Christ’s righteousness. And it is all undeserved grace and forgiveness. And it is beautiful.

Do I wish I had made different decisions so that there would be different results now? For sure. If I could rewind the clock and redo things, I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t. What I am given charge of is the present, going forward from this moment. And in so many ways it’s depressing to know that tomorrow or the next day….or even right now or later tonight….I will make mistakes again.

And I definitely do not want to be flippant and say “Who cares if we sin! There’s grace!” (Romans 6:1, Esther paraphrase). But I do tend to “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” and get stuck in guilt. Some second cousins of mine taught me a great old-style song that combats the former so well. Give it a listen here!

At the same time, I do need to be careful in what I say and do, and I must rely on the Holy Spirit’s strength and wisdom and not my own…. So much harder to do in the moment than it is to say and know and believe. But, by the grace of God, we “press on,” trusting the One who began the good work and promises to complete it (Philippians 3:12, 1:6). And amazingly, He promises to use all things for His glory and the good of each of His children—in His eternal economy.

That is where my faith and confidence and trust are to rest, even if (when) the results do not look like I wish they did in this life. No matter what, God is good all the time.

---

[1] According to my results this summer from the Gallup “StrengthsQuest” inventory, this is my #1 strength. The poll’s “Quick Reference Card” describes it as follows: “People especially talented in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.”

Giving up CONTROL pt. 2

A week ago, I was in Siloam Springs visiting my college friends for a long weekend. I decided to go ahead and go to the Gathering, although I ended up coming in a little late. I “just happened” to find an empty seat right in front of Laura, one of my dearest JBU friends. God knew I needed to be there, and He made sure she was right there.

The student speaker talked about serving God, as a kick-off message for the JBU service groups. And honestly, it made me really frustrated. Not because of what he was saying, but because of what I was feeling.

Back in July and August, I felt like God was leading me toward something that was much much bigger than me. I had an idea of how I was going to serve God, and I really wanted it to work out in my timing. I knew it would be hard – really hard in many ways. But I also knew that if God opened those doors, He would provide the resources and the strength for me to carry it out.

I thought I was willing to make that sacrifice, to take that step of faith. Instead, the door closed—at least for now—just as the door to applying for the job I had been filling during my internship opened up. That was a huge process in and of itself! But by the time I sat in chapel last Sunday, it seemed obvious that God was leading me toward SP and not toward the other opportunity. Which is why the chapel talk annoyed me. Here I had been willing to put myself through a lot to go and serve God. And He had shut the door! What was up with that? We’re supposed to serve God and all that, so why did He close it down??

Yes, that feeling really is as immature and selfish as it sounds. I think part of it is that I wanted to serve God on my terms, in a way that would draw attention and praise to myself. I wasn’t consciously thinking that….but it probably played a subliminal role.

God had been clear though – that chance was a definite “not now.” So I had applied and interviewed for the job before I left my internship, two weeks before my visit to JBU. And in my mind, it was obvious what ought to happen next. God had clearly led me to the internship, and He had finally brought me to a place where I felt good about staying on there and looked forward to returning to the roots I had started putting down for the past two months.

When the speaker finished, the band came up and played “Oceans” by Hillsong. I had never heard the song before, but man it sure hit me right between the eyes. As I’ve said before, for quite a while God has been teaching me about trusting Him and surrendering my plans to His. And this song really summed it up. And I didn’t know whether or not I could sing it. I knew in the back of my head that I may or may not actually get the job from SP. And here God was, asking me to surrender my plans and expectations to Him, to come to a place “where my trust is without borders.” I didn’t want to say it, because I didn’t want to mean it.

I like knowing what’s going on and what I’m doing. I don’t like change, I despise the unknown. I want to be in control of my own future, partly as a defense mechanism from 10-year old baggage that I know is not healthy and that I’m trying to let go of. And this summer, God has been working in mighty ways to show me that I cling so hard to the control because I don’t trust Him to take care of me and protect me. I don’t trust Him to have my best at heart because of how He’s let things hurt me before. And that’s hard for me to admit out loud.

So I sat there as most everyone else stood and sang. I sat and I wrestled and I cried. Because I was not willing to give up my {albeit false} sense of control. I didn’t want to go “wherever You call me” – I wanted to go back to SP where I had finally become comfortable after two long, hard months.

But He kept asking—gently and yet insistently—for me to lay it down. And I was scared. Scared that if I did, He would just slam the SP door shut in my face too. But deeper down inside, I knew that His plan would be better—even if it wouldn’t be to my ideal liking.

As I wrestled, my mind flashed back to the previous night. I had gone to the Swing Dance Society’s first swing dance evening of the semester. I don’t really know how to dance – I don’t think of myself as a very well-coordinated dancer. But the several guys who had asked me to dance with them had all been patient teachers. They put me through the paces pretty quick, trying to teach me several of the basic moves. And I had to trust them. I didn’t know what I was doing, or where I was going when they initiated a step. I just had to pay close attention to their explanations and/or the signals they made by gently tugging on one arm or the other. A lot of times, I made mistakes. Many times, I also made assumptions about what their next moves were going to be, and sometimes that got me in trouble.

As those thoughts flashed through my mind, I could see the relation between the two—trying to learn swing dance and deciding to trust Christ’s plan for my life. Pardon the analogy, but it’s as though God was holding out His hand, asking me if I would like to dance. Would I trust Him enough to place my hands in His and listen to His leading and guiding? Or would I jump to conclusions and try to do things my way, which typically ends up in me being at the wrong place in the step?

In the end, I had to give in. God thankfully has a tight enough hold on my heart that I could not truly refuse His request, even though my fleshly desires didn’t want to let go of my supposed control. The second song we sang was “Rise,” also by Hillsong. It focuses on praising God. I didn’t want to stand up and sing that song either. I wanted to stay “stuck” in a place of pitying myself for what I had to lay down.

And that too was very selfish. Who do I think I am??? Even Jesus had to submit His desires to God. And even He didn’t think it was an easy or flippant thing (see the Garden of Gethsemane!). But even He—God’s own Son—humbled Himself and submitted to one of the hardest and cruelest forms of death man has ever created (see Phil. 2). And we’re right back to the same perspective thing I was talking about in my previous post.

It’s God’s glory that matters. And thanks be to His grace and patience – He’s not going to give up on me until He has stripped me down of my selfish ambitions and pride. And no, it’s not a fun process. But He is worth so very much more. And in the good moments, I can remember what truly matters. And it’s not what I’m going to be doing at any point in the future.

Laura was wonderful and sat with me for a while afterward – we talked about letting go of the past. She came up with several good analogies that helped explain how I was feeling J She’s the best J

And you know what? I was right. God did end up shutting the SP door too. I got the call Thursday that they picked someone else. Last Sunday night helped me be prepared for that, but it’s still been hard. Friday especially I was really frustrated with God for not coming through on this and doing things my way. There were definitely lots of tears and some internal yelling going on. And I don’t confess that lightly. I forget His lessons soooo easily……

But He is still faithful, and His plan remains unchanged—His plan to bring Himself glory and to conform me to the image of His Son. To the praise of His glorious name.

Giving up CONTROL

Just read over my posts on here from the last couple months. And am reminded again of the truths God has been teaching me.

And this time, I’m going to start this in the right place: Focused on HIM.

GOD’S GLORY. That’s what is number one, that’s what is MOST important. But this morning I have had to confess to Him, once again, that my focus is often consumed with myself and what I am doing.

God’s plan is so vast and so huge, and it is centered around one thing: His Person and His work of bringing Himself glory, and of redeeming the world. It sounds so prideful and selfish of Him – but that’s the big difference. God OUGHT to be “prideful” and “selfish,” because He is the ONE who is worthy of being at the center of ALL THINGS.

It’s hard for us humans (or at least for this human….) to not be so very self-focused. I think that my life and what I am doing with it is so very important – and it’s just not. Certainly not in comparison with all of human history. I’m one teensy tiny piece of the much bigger puzzle. But I blow that little piece way way out of proportion.

But isn’t that the earliest human sin? To want to be like God, to have the freedom to choose whatever we want. To do things OUR WAY, rather than surrendering to God’s plan and trusting in what He has commanded us. This may be reading a little bit into Genesis 3, but I definitely think that selfishness is the most basic human sin. Selfishness and independence. Because when Adam and Eve chose to eat the fruit, they were making the choice to not trust what God had chosen. They wanted to know for themselves. They wanted to be independent operators, to have the right to be like God.

And that foundational sin still plagues us. We lose perspective on the big picture of GOD’S holiness and worth and awesomeness, and we become consumed with our little insignificant lives. Because it’s annoying that He can be focused on His own glory, but all the rest of us are supposed to be serving Him. And yes, that attitude is a very very dangerous sin. But if I look at my own life carefully, that’s what I’m doing so much of the time…though not necessarily with an outright rebellious attitude, but that’s what is at the core of it.

It’s scary to recognize that in myself, and I have to get down on my knees and confess that to God.

But in that moment, I am reminded that in some ways this is all a big circle. Christ Jesus came to the world and died for all sinners. The payment has been made, the sin has been atoned for. Christ has won the victory. I cannot fight in my own strength and overcome the core sin in my life—but I don’t need to: because Jesus already did. And so the choice which stands before me is to trust in His completed work, to place Him on the throne of my heart, and to bare my soul to His redemption and sanctification. A big part of which is daily dying to myself and making the decision to live for HIM.

God is good. God is faithful. God alone is worthy. I am called to “simple” surrender and trust, faith and obedience. And I can rest in Christ, knowing that He has triumphed. For the sake of His own glory! J

"Whatever You're Doing...."

I’m tired of travelling. I want to arrive already. To be mature. To know. To get to the peak.

And I know that’s not going to happen. I know that my life will continue to be a journey, that I will always always have more to learn and more areas to grow. But it’s hard to let go of that expectation that someday, finally, I’ll have arrived and not have to worry about learning and being willing to accept more changes.

If you’ve been following my life at all this summer, you know I’ve had a roller coaster time of it. Graduating. N.Ireland. Fast transition to North Carolina and SP internship. And now the rest of my life stands before me. I think that so far this calendar year I’ve literally been home in Dallas for less than a month. Well, maybe it’s been as much as six weeks. But especially since May, I’ve been constantly on the go. Four places I’ve come to call home, even for a short time. It’s a lot for someone who doesn’t much like change. And it’s definitely wearing on me.

And yes, this feeling is aggravated by the fact that I am currently sitting in an airport where I ended up with a three-hour wait time for my flight back to Dallas. And that there’s still so much I don’t know about the future. I’ve applied for a job with SP that I really hope to get (man was that ever a journey in itself!!!), but it will probably be several weeks before I find out if they decide to offer me the job or give it to someone else.

It’s been a hard summer in a lot of ways. Just crazy, really. And I can’t tell you how much I have appreciated the friends who have been there to listen to me trying to process through everything that’s been going on. It’s been a yo-yo time a lot, and I know that the prayers of many people are what helped bring me through.

God has been so incredibly, amazingly faithful. And I can recognize that. He has been at work in my life in mighty ways. But it hasn’t been easy. Last weekend I bought a decorative sign that says “FAITH makes things possible… not easy.” Boy, isn’t that the truth. And so I guess I’m writing all this for a couple reasons. One, to admit to the world what is obvious: That I don’t have a handle on life—that I’m still learning and growing, that I still have a long ways to go. Two, to remind myself of God’s faithfulness and how He has proved Himself over and over; that HE will continue to refine me through each step He brings. Three, to see how far God has brought me, and to give myself room for improvement and to have patience with the continuance of the process.

For months, I had been praying that God would break me, would refine me into who He wants me to be. I knew it was a “dangerous” prayer. But I knew it is what I was called to as a Christ-follower, and it really is the deepest, truest wish I have. I knew the process would be hard. And it has been. God has definitely been answering that prayer. I think maybe I expected to “graduate” from that lesson a lot quicker. And I’m realizing the only graduation that will ever come is when I truly get to go home, promoted to glory, to see God face to face.

Yesterday at work as I tried to process through all the last-day emotions which crowded my mind, one line of a song popped into my head: “Whatever You’re doing, fulfill it in me” is how I remembered it. I knew it was from a Christian song, that I must have heard a time or two on the radio or something. This afternoon sitting here in the airport, I looked it up to read the lyrics and then listened to it. And it so completely fits what I’m feeling right now.

Over the past year, and even yesterday afternoon, God has brought me to a place where He has shown me the areas in my life where I am still afraid to trust Him, because of a whole variety of factors, including some past baggage that I’d been stuffing for a long, long time. And it’s still hard to let go of that sense that I need to stay in control, that only I can bring about the “safety” I desire and the goals that I want to reach.

Yes, the attitude I subconsciously had about trusting God for a long time was not healthy. In fact, it is sin. And yesterday, thinking about the fact that when I left work for the last time at the end of my internship I didn’t know if I would come back….I had to admit to myself and to God that I did not want to trust His plan in that. There’s a plan that seems so right and perfect to me, but I cannot make that happen on my own.** It has to be God’s will in order for it to go forward. And I am not enjoying the waiting or the trusting that is, by necessity, involved in that process.

But you know what? God is good. And whatever He has, wherever He takes me, I know that will be good. Probably not easy, and not necessarily my first choice. But good. And I am thankful to Him that He has brought me to a place of at least recognizing my distrust as sin and reminding me again and again that in each moment, each situation, He calls for trust and surrender.

Because He is worthy. And that’s another piece of this that He has been bringing to my attention again and again in this season: The sin and selfishness of my natural tendency to focus on myself and what I will be doing rather than to be focused on Who God is, and the importance of focusing on His Person and Glory. I’m “lucky” (blessed) simply to be a tool, a channel. I’m not the source, I’m not the end goal. He is both.

To Him be the glory.

**sound vaguely familiar? Check out Prov 16:9, 25.

Who's doing it?

This morning I read 1 Thessalonians 5. A few years ago I had memorized this book for Bible Quizzing, but to my discredit I have not retained it very well. So I wanted to go back and re-read it. The last few verses are such a good reminder:

23 Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely;
and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved
blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
24 He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.

This comes right after a list of very good instructions:

16 Rejoice always,
17 pray without ceasing,
18 in everything give thanks;
for this is the will of God
in Christ Jesus for you.

19 Do not quench the Spirit.
20 Do not despise prophecies.
21 Test all things;
hold fast what is good.
22 Abstain from every form of evil.

But verse 23 should always remind us that GOD is the one who sanctifies us, not following a set of rules, and verse 24 reminds us that He will get it done. In other words, it is not up to us to follow a lot of rules in order to make ourselves perfect. God is working in our lives through whatever happens. He will accomplish His plan. Our task is to submit to His working in our lives and to truly live out what we say we believe.
Please pray for me, that I would live out what I have written here this morning. That I would submit to my Father’s training of me and that I would rely on His Spirit, not on my own strength.