BUT GOD.

On Thursday, by the help of Paraclete, I finally confessed & repented of the fear & distrust I’ve been harboring toward God for a few years now. If you’re surprised to hear me admit that, I think I’ve been a “horrifically ‘good’ hypocrite.” If you’re not surprised, consider yourself privileged that I didn’t try to hide it from you too.

The back story that led up to Thurs night will appear on the blog of my journey with bipolar later … but for now I wanted to leave this here as a testimony to God’s faithfulness.

Because He helped me to finally lift up my eyes from the deep hurt I was clinging to {the “that” of the 2nd line of the quote}. This is what I wrote in my journal as I chose with His enabling, helping hand to change perspective.

Sure, work is still hectic. Yes, I still have bipolar. But I’m done acting like an abused victim! I’m done charading around trying to cover over a heart full of pain & darkness.

 

BUT GOD.

But God, that is NOT what I want to choose to believe about You.

But God, those are the lies of the enemy rather than Your true truth.

But God, You have promised in Your Word to work all things for good to those who love You & are called by You.

But God, I believe I am called and redeemed by Your grace & mercy, regardless of how much I want to run away.

But God, please whisper Your truth into my soul; draw me back into abiding trust & sweet communion in You!

But God, I don’t want to live this lousy hypocritical life any more. I am not living with integrity before You!

But God, I confess this to You.

But God, cause my eyes to see You as You truly are and to repent in sackcloth & ashes.

But God, You ARE the Kintsugi Artist who redeems & restores that which You did not lightly allow to break.

But God, my hope & joy are in Jesus Christ, NOT in my circumstances!*

But God, YOU are worthy.

…

Praise You, Paraclete. Only You could turn something so big & scary into something so beautiful & sacred!

I declare that I am nothing without You in my life. You are worthy & I praise You for Your perfect goodness—and I choose to root my trust back into You. I cannot keep that commitment on my own, But God, You are exceedingly, abundantly able to equip me with the humility of surrender. I believe You!

 

*A paraphrase from one of Elizabeth’s prayers in the movie War Room.

 

I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I seek to replow the ground of my heart & mind. It’s been rutted pretty deeply over the past 3.5-5 years into some negative thought patterns – but NOTHING is impossible for my God!!!!!

Yesterday, for the first time in about six months, I pulled my Bible off my shelf for individual, personal Bible study. And it was sweet!

This morning, I fell back into the rut and didn’t think of doing that until after I had been at work for a few hours.

But tomorrow is a new day!! And I serve a patient, faithful God!!

"Look What You've Done"

In my car, the radio is pretty much always on to 94.9 KLTY, a local Christian station. It feels like in different seasons there's a song that plays every time I get in the car, even if it's just my 10-minute commute to work.

Recently, it's been this song:

Initially, I honestly resented this song a bit. The past three years have been challenging for me spiritually, not something I've usually been willing to rejoice & praise God in. And now, with my upcoming (Lord willing) visit to Uganda, all that heart crud that can usually hide beneath the surface is getting stirred up.

But on my way home from ministry group (church small group) this evening, as I got close to my parents' house where I needed to pick up a couple things, this song played again. And this time, Paraclete showered down grace---and I received the song with a heart of hope. As I listened to this song, I found myself hoping and praying. I found myself begging God, "Please let me see that song be true in my life next month!"

But then I wondered why I felt like I needed to beg God for that and plead with Him to make it come to pass. Isn't that exactly what He desires to do, to heal, to redeem?

And so by grace & in faith I intentionally shifted my prayer---"Lord, give me the humility to receive Your healing!" And I knew I needed to dust this blog off and report on what God is doing, the seed He is planting in my heart of positive change.

It's like the chives & hibiscus plant in my garden here at my new place. Last weekend when I went to plant the small hibiscus shrub I had bought several week before, I first cleared the area of weeds, mostly chives that had been allowed to run wild. Or at least I thought I cleared it!! 

When I started digging the hole "as deep as and slightly larger than the pot," guess what I found right beneath the surface? A matted, entangled, enmeshed network of chives roots & bulbs. I threw away the top three inches of soil, because I knew I didn't want those roots back in the hole with my poor hibiscus plant!!

The lies I believed They got some roots that run deep I let em take a hold of my life I let em take control of my life

The same is true with secreted resentment and bitterness. They're like the chive roots that have already sprung back up all around my hibiscus plant, that parts where I didn't dig those three inches deep to dig them out.

But God.

Standing in Your presence Lord I can feel You diggin' all the roots up I can feel Ya healin' all my wounds up All I can say is hallelujah Look what You've done

It's my hope and prayer that in the next month, as I spend two weeks with my dearly loved Ugandan sisters (towards whom I hold no hard feelings) and the others (some of whom I have struggled to forgive), that God will do just this.

Will the process be fun?
Probably not always.

Will it be worth it?
I believe so, definitely.

Please join me in praying the truths of this song over me in the coming four weeks!!!

The Joy of the Lord is Your Strength

 I was up at 3 a.m. this morning, making herbal "Sleep Tea" that I had bought from a friend-of-a-friend, after waking up at 2 and having a fruitless hour of trying to fall back asleep.

I grabbed this mug because of its large size, but seeing what it said reminded me of a post I've been meaning to write!

Back on Jan. 19th, I was responsible for leading the daily prayer time at my workplace. I had contacted some of our workers for prayer requests, but only received two responses - not enough to keep us occupied for half an hour.

Then I looked at my Verse-a-day calendar on my desk, and it had the verse above -- and so I went with a bit of a longer devotional before the prayer time.

So, Nehemiah 8:10 - we all know it, even if we don't know the reference. "The Joy of the Lord is your strength." A positive, encouraging verse, right? Yes, but even more so if you know the context!

Anyone out there know the context of this verse?

Anyone?

{There was silence when I asked this question in the devotional time.}

So I took us back to the context, something I had noticed a few years ago (probably when I was reading through Nehemiah!) and that has stuck with me every time I've seen or heard that verse since.

After Nehemiah and company had rebuilt the wall of Jerusalem, there came a day when Ezra read the law to the people from morning until midday, with other priests there to explain the meaning (Neh. 8:1-7).

Nehemiah continues: 

 

"They read from the book, from the Law of God, clearly, and they gave the sense, so that the people understood the reading. And Nehemiah, who was the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, 'This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn or weep.' For all the people wept as they heard the words of the Law" (8:8-9).

 

I don't know about for you, but this doesn't seem to me like the context for a go-to voice on Joy!

But that's not all - look at the majority of verse 10, the part that never gets quoted: 

 

"Then he said to them, 'Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength'" (Neh. 8:10).

Nehemiah and Ezra shared this line with a people who were grieving over the ways they had fallen short of what the law required!!

As New Covenant believers, we are no longer under the same set of laws and demands that the Israelites were. But what can we learn from their example?

I think too often we use this verse as a band aid or a somewhat trite expression to try and encourage someone. But what if, to really help our friends, we urged them to acknowledge and confess the ways they have fallen short, and then to find new strength in the joy of God’s forgiveness? What if we made confession like the Israelite's a regular practice among ourselves?

Then I walked through the definitions of 'confession,' from good ol' dictionary.com:

noun​

1. acknowledgment; avowal; admission: a confession of incompetence.​
2. acknowledgment or disclosure of sin or sinfulness, especially to a priest to obtain absolution.​
3. something that is confessed.​
4. a formal, usually written, acknowledgment of guilt by a person accused of a crime.​
5. Also called confession of faith: a formal profession of belief and acceptance of doctrines, as before being admitted to church membership.​

As a Protestant, I don't believe that confession to a priest is necessary to obtain absolution. And, I had forgotten about the positive sense of confession, indicated in the 5th point.

I then read the following prayer of confession from a church in Indiana, a combination of two separate ones the pastor had shared on the church's blog:

 

"Holy and merciful God, in your presence we confess our sinfulness, our shortcomings, and our offenses against you. You alone know how often we have sinned in wandering from your ways, in wasting your gifts, in forgetting your love. Have mercy on us, O Lord, for we are ashamed and sorry for all we have done to displease you. Cleanse us from all our offenses, and deliver us from proud thoughts and vain desires. With lowliness and meekness may we draw near to you, confessing our faults, confiding in your grace, and finding in you our refuge and strength; through Jesus Christ your Son. Amen."

And then I just opened up the floor for a couple people to pray their own personal prayers of confession, and then we launched into praying for a couple of our workers.

So, thanks for reading!! This is something that has been meaningful to me--as I said, for a couple years--and having thought through it a little more concretely recently, I wanted to share it on here!