“‘Then you will know
the truth, and the truth will set you free……Very truly I tell you, everyone who
sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a
son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free
indeed” (John 8:32, 34-36).
It started a couple months ago when I was at Kobwin. When I
was hesitant and unsure, one of the family mothers spoke words that went
straight to my heart and embedded deeply there, beyond the surface details of
the situation. “Don’t be afraid,” she said. “Be free.”
Be free.
Such simple words. But so easy to forget. Since that day,
that same idea keeps popping up. So much so that my new bracelet became a
combination of hope and freedom. (I haven’t posted the story about my
bracelets. I’ll have to write that sometime soon.)
The Holy Spirit had been convicting me the past couple weeks
(ever since I thought about & shared my testimony with my Institute class)
that much of my life I have been bound by fear of one sort or another. Fear of
failure/imperfection, fear of rejection, fear of not being in control (fear of
misfortunes). And when fear is a major motivating factor in my life, it chases
peace and joy.
Of course, I know with my head that I can’t keep myself from
making mistakes in my own strength. I know that my identity must not be bound
by what other people think of me (what “they say”). And I know that there’s no
way I can prevent bad things from happening! But knowing the truth doesn’t
always mean I live by it, sadly.
Almost two weeks ago, there was a situation in which I was
trying to serve others out of my own strength, and probably for my own honor.
But when my strength ran out, I started behaving rudely to the people around me.
In those moments, I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t stop. I was exhausted,
shattered by the end of it. I’ve been feeling that shattered, exhausted feeling
a couple times since then….
Even as I was walking back to my house, I knew that I would
need to apologize to some people. I can’t remember if I confessed it to God in
prayer that night or the next morning……but as I thought about what had happened
the following day, I fell into the old habit of berating myself for falling
short of my own expectations. And God’s, right??
“You were behaving like such a brat!” I told myself, among
other things. But as my mind thought that last word, it flew to a story in a
childhood series I loved to read. At first, I wanted to ignore it as a rabbit
trail, away from what I thought was important at the moment. But I felt the
Spirit prompting me to remember the story.
{As a very brief explanation, the series is an allegory
about God’s Story in three parts: Tales of the Kingdom, the Resistance, and the
Restoration. The world is pictured in the first two as the Enchanted City,
under the control of an evil emperor. The true King spends the first book
living in exile, but he comes back to the city in the second book.}
In this particular chapter, young orphaned children are
forced to work underground keeping the city’s massive sewage and power systems
working. They are called Sewer Rats and Boiler Brats. And they live their lives
bound in fear: fear that the city’s infrastructure will grind to a halt on
their watch (as it often did), bringing a dreaded visit from the emperor or at
least his evil henchmen. Which always brought punishment for failing what was
really an impossible task.
But one night, the exiled King miraculously appears in their
dark underground world. He offers them love, acceptance, and freedom—and he
leads them out of the prison of fear back to his kingdom outside the borders of
the Enchanted City. In his kingdom, there are no orphans. There are adopted
sons and daughters.
I don’t know when I had last thought about that series—it
had been a while. But God used that story, along with other things He has been
reminding me of, to learn something “new” with my heart (of course, it’s not
really new. Rather, it’s an old lesson. But it’s something which has often been
stuck at a head knowledge level in my life).
So often, I fail. And when I fail, I mentally beat myself up
over it. And I feel like God must be so disappointed in me. When I turn to Him
and confess, I usually do so in an attitude of trying to humiliate myself
before Him like the prodigal son tried to do. And so often, I find myself met
with God’s grace and love and forgiveness and acceptance—not the condemnation I
know so well I deserve. I know this is because through Christ’s finish work—wonder
of wonders—God sees in me the righteousness of Christ.
That morning as I sat here thinking about my mistake, and
yet the freedom I have in Christ from guilt and condemnation, God taught my
heart in a deeper way than I had known before that the past is the past. It
does no good to wallow in guilt and to hold onto that feeling that I have
failed. I can never change the past. I can choose the present and hope for the future. But the choice is
not one I am required to make in my own strength – and the hope is not an
empty, wishful thinking. Both are guided and guarded by Christ. And the past?
Its mistakes are wiped clean by Christ.
I don’t by any means wish to cheapen God’s grace. That is,
of course, the danger with such a line of thinking. Paul felt the same tension
in Romans 5:20-6:1ff. But just yesterday I was part of a conversation in which
we were discussing the difference between conviction and guilt. My tendency is
definitely to guilt trip myself….and it’s a habit that I can see God calling me
out of.
Our Father does not want His beloved children bound by the
guilt of the past. Jesus Christ has dealt with the past, IT IS FINISHED (John
19:30). We are FREE from the guilt of the past (though not always all the
consequences—BUT GOD will use even them for good) because of HIS completed
work.
“Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose
sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count
against them” (Psalms 32:1-2, as quoted in Romans 4:8). The truth and beauty of
those verses swept over my soul amidst tears just a few days ago. I’ve often been
living under a cloud of guilt and fear for months and years. But thanks be to
God for His patience with me! He’s never giving up, and the light of His truth
and grace and FREEDOM are continuing to break through.
Because He is good, and His mercies are new every morning.
Great is His faithfulness.
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