The Elder Brother

Once upon a time, there was a man with two sons. The older son was dutifully obedient, but the younger son was willful and independent. One day, the younger son grew tired of living in his father’s home. After demanding his share of the family inheritance, he went away to a far country.

There he lived extravagantly for a time….until the money ran out. Then down to the depths he plunged, the depths of feeding pigs. Here he realized his folly and thought out a plan: to return and ask to serve his father as a servant.

As he neared home, his father came running to meet him. There was no criticism or judgment, only love and acceptance. A great party was quickly prepared to celebrate the son’s homecoming.

When the older brother came in after a long day in the fields, the festivities caught him by surprise. On finding out the reason, he utterly refused to join in. The father left the party to plead with him—but the son angrily responded,

“I’ve been serving you for years, never breaking a single command. But you never gave me even a little party with my friends. Then this rascal shows back up, having wasted everything you gave him, and you pull out all the stops—for him!”

The father answered,

“You are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It was right to rejoice at the homecoming of one who we thought was dead!”

How did the older son respond? What happened next? We don’t know for sure, because that’s where Jesus ended His parable of the Lost Son in Luke 15.

I’ve been thinking about this parable the past few days, because a Bible study group I am part of looked at Luke 15 last Thursday. Reading the chapter, listening to a children’s version of the story, and discussing it with the group recalled to my mind another study I had taken part in, years ago.

That book/video series was Tim Keller’s The Prodigal God. It’s been so long since the latter study, but some of the concepts have really stuck with me. I will try to specify which points I know come from Keller’s book – and hopefully I won’t miss any!

But my focus isn’t on what Keller shared about the story—as good as that was. My focus is on the personal application…for me, in this season.

As Keller points out, there’s not just one son in this story: there are two. A lot of the attention of the story and the readers is usually on the younger son, the prodigal* who returns home. But after his interrupted speech in verse 21, the younger son fades into the background of the story and a new dynamic takes center stage.

See, the older son was the ‘good kid’….or was he really? His response to the father in verses 29-30 reveals a heart that while outwardly obedient was inwardly resentful and even hateful. Some of us can easily see ourselves in the beginning of the story—a child living recklessly and thoughtlessly, who only later comes to his senses. But how many of us are willing to own up to the times we’ve been like the older son: self-righteous and angry that we don’t get what we “deserve”. {I believe one person can go through seasons of being either one of these.}

Keller argues that this story represented both of the groups of people Jesus was addressing (tax collectors & sinners vs. Pharisees & scribes – see vs. 1-2). The first group were like the younger son, and the elder son pictured the second group. Working hard to earn God’s favor and blessings. Angry that some people would just waltz in and get it regardless of the bad things they had done. Feeling like they deserved success and recognition for their stellar behavior.

[Well, it’s a week later and I’m just wrapping this up and finally posting it. I’ll do a separate post with the more personal application.]

*One of Keller’s excellent reminders is the original meaning of the word ‘prodigal,’ referring to extravagance (see verse 13). The way I typically think of this word (as a person who got off track) is because of this story—it’s changed the use of the word. Thus Keller’s title, The Prodigal [Extravagant] God.

The Love Circle

The first part of this is something I initially journaled during my commute to work a couple weeks ago. The latter part fell into place this morning during my extended reflective time with God.

“Esther, let Me love you.”

Those words from our Triune God have been re-echoing again and again in my mind since my birthday evening. And Paraclete {my favorite name for the Holy Spirit} has been helping me realize that, in a way, I don’t even know how to receive His unconditional love.

So it’s been something I have been praying/meditating about some. This morning it came back to mind again as I was in my prayer closet, trying not to fixate on a request I had read that morning via email. Paraclete took me back, once again, to Jesus’ Valedictory Address {John 13-17} and 1 John.

John 15:9-10 came to mind:

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My life, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in His love.”

I found myself wishing very much that Jesus hadn’t put that conditional statement in there!!! Because that’s what ends up becoming a trap to me, again & again & again—trying to feel like I have earned or deserve God’s love based on what I DO. It so easily becomes a point of pride and/or legalism. But there’s another critically important part of that verse! “Just as….”

Jesus’ example and His obedience of the Father are to be our model! And He doesn’t obey out of fear or because He is trying to earn God’s love. Jesus obeys because He is in perfect relationship with the Father and because of all the concepts we read about in Ministry in the Image of God: The Trinitarian Shape of Christian Service! {The first book we read here as part of the Servant Teams curriculum – somewhat dense, but really good with lots of practical application too!}

It’s like the heptapod language—all an interwoven circle.*

So Jesus obeys the Father because He loves Him and because They are eternally in perfect relationship {with Paraclete too, of course!!}. So love should be the driving force of our obedience, not fear & torment (1 John 4:18). But why do we love God? The very next verse tells us—because He first loved us (4:19)! And also 4:10—He showed His love for us by sending Jesus to be our propitiation (the conciliation, the act of making God favorably inclined, appeasing Him).

Abba’s love came to me through the death and sacrifice of Jesus. In my prayer closet this morning, Paraclete showed me that when I’m trying to earn/prove myself worthy of God’s love—by serving, going overseas, etc. etc.—I am acting like Jesus’ love & sacrifice were not sufficient…I am minimalizing the greatest act in all of history and acting like my filthy rags of righteous deeds (Isaiah 64:6) are better.

Oh Abba, forgive me for that egregious misconstrued view!!!

So we abide in God’s love by keeping His commandments out of a heart of love for Him, because He first loved us and reconciled us to Himself. See how it’s like a heptapod* circle??!!! Love is the goal, the means, and the catalyst!

And it’s all about You, Abba—it’s not about me or anything I could ever do.

Abba, I don’t know how to practice and apply this! But I know it is foundational and critically important—I know it’s a game changer if this lesson could sink deep into my heart and become my driving force! Again in my prayer closet, Paraclete reminded me that I can’t give what I haven’t received….

{And at that point I arrived at my destination!}

About a month ago, I joined a small accountability group at a local church here. We are going through a book called The Genesis Process together. It’s focused on helping people deal with the root causes behind addictions or other self-destructive coping behaviors. It keeps on bringing me back to this idea:

And then this morning I started working on the fourth process, and this is how it began:

I definitely learned this lesson the hard way in August 2016. That month, two men who were serving as leaders in both the organization and the church each had to resign because of moral shortcomings. The first one was an especially hard blow to me, as I had been welcomed into his home many times by him and his wife.

I remember crying in the staff meeting when his resignation was announced. And then I went home and sat on the floor of my room and sobbed for probably around 10 minutes. Grieving the brokenness of sin. Grieving the pain I was sure his wife was going through. Grieving my own hurt too. Fighting feelings of a guilt too complex to explain without sharing details of other peoples’ stories.

That day I was so tempted to make a vow of sorts—a vow never again to get so close to another family that I would open myself up to that kind of pain. A vow never to trust and admire someone as I had allowed myself to do with him—because such Christian familial love had wounded me deeply.

I thank God that I stopped myself from making that decision. I knew it was the wrong decision—a decision that would let the enemy win. And so I continued to grow in relationship with many other sisters and couples. But that wound still aches when I think of it. I think I allowed that and other things which began developing around the same time to plant a seed of hopelessness in my heart. I did my best to process and forgive….but somehow I think I closed off a little cupboard of bitterness inside my soul.

Fast forward back to today. Later in the morning, as I was outside processing through some other stuff, my mind made its way back to what I had read in The Genesis Process.

I wrote:

Love & wounding—both are always two-way streets. Except for with God. He is the only One who loves perfectly and never wounds unjustly—with the one, all-important exception of Jesus on the cross.

In a strange, miraculous way that only God could plan, that moment in human history was both the most unjust (towards Jesus, who had done nothing wrong), and yet also the most merciful & gracious & loving towards us—we who had broken all the relationships, who have done all the wounding, who deserve nothing but eternal judgment and yet receive nothing but unconditional love. Such beauty & brokenness at the same time!!!

Now a few hours later, those words bring to mind Hebrews 12:1-3:

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.”

And so I choose to continue opening myself up to love and, yes, even to the risk of human woundedness, because in so doing I am following in the footsteps of the most truly Human person who ever lived—our Savior, Jesus Christ. May His love in and through me glorify and magnify HIS beauty!

*To fully understand this analogy, you have to watch Arrival – it’s an alien film, but I found it to have deep theological undertones looking at it from a Biblical worldview! But to semi-explain the circle bit: Basically in that film, the aliens communicate through a written language made up of circles, with each circle being a phrase/sentence with multiple words...or something like that! See below for an example. The circle is formed by smoke from the heptapod's feet, and so the language is written with foreknowledge of the phrase/sentence as a whole.

God's Love for Us

Yesterday was, I am afraid, another one of "those days."

Jill is back in the office with me starting Tuesday, which is wonderful! And I'm going home two weeks from today, which is also wonderful!! But yesterday, thanks to a few other things as well, the emotions started snowballing quickly and early.

I'm so thankful that God reminded me to lean on Him in that moment, because if He hadn't, I am not sure if I would have made it through the day. Without Him, I am so weak!

But I did make it through, all by His Grace.

When we got to our weekly staff fellowship in the evening, one of our staff members came to share with us what she had recently learned at a conference about how to counsel people. But instead of jumping in to a list of things we should do, she went back to the beginning: reminding us that love is the goal of counseling others, and that "We cannot do that unless we are receiving God's love into our hearts regularly."

So instead of talking at us about how to help others, she gave us verses to meditate on as we opened up our hearts to God's love for us. Afterwards, this is what I wrote:

I am a child of God--Beloved and Precious. The child of a Prodigal God,* One who will spare NO expense in redeeming His people. He did it at the time of the Exodus (Deut. 7:7-8), He pursued His people through generations (Jer. 31:3), and He did it again through Jesus (Rom. 5:8).

God spared no expense. He poured out the most precious thing in the entire Universe: the blood of His Son (John 3;16). Because He loved us, because He loved me. Not because of any righteousness I had done or could ever do---my father's father's father's father for generations existed only in God's foreknowledge when Christ chose & pledged to make that ultimate sacrifice (Eph. 2:4-5). It is ALL by grace, all by His lavished love (1 John 3:1).

Lord, open the floodgates of my soul to Your love. Saturate me with You--mind, heart, body & soul--so that when life squeezes me and jostles me, it is Your love which overflows.

*This idea comes from Tim Keller's book of the same name, in which he points out that the real meaning of "prodigal" is extravagant, although the "parable of the prodigal son" often makes us think of it in terms of wandering from home. In that book, Tim Keller shows how the parable is really about the Prodigal Father (God) who rejoices so much in us.

Boasting in My Weakness

I’ve got to say, it’s not easy for me to think about writing this post. Even simply typing the title made me pause.

I’m the kind of person who likes to be right—who needs to be right (or at least I think I do). I want to be the one who’s dependable and got it all together.

But, truth is, I’m not – and I don’t.

God is at work in my heart and life. Often I wish He would hurry up and finish so that I would just be good to go. But then I wouldn’t need Him as desperately, would I?

In the past weeks and months, I’ve been wrestling with apathy. Well, actually, a more accurate description would be that I’ve been giving in to apathy without putting up a lot of fight.

I’ve been battling discouragement, hypocrisy, etc. You name one of those inner struggles that’s so easy to put a mask over, I’ve probably been dealing with it to some extent.

But God – He sees right through my masks. Jesus Christ sees my heart with His eyes of blazing fire that our teacher talked about this morning in church (from Revelations 2:18). And yet this same God doesn’t only see in me what I so often focus on, the sin & failures, the guilt. God the Father sees in me the righteousness of His Son, our Savior.

That’s what He reminded me of this afternoon as I knelt on my bed, crying for shame & guilt of my shortcomings. And to my heart, three simple words, yet so profound that it will take eternity to understand: He loves me.

Yes, in myself I am weak – so very prone to give into the temptation of the easy, selfish path. But in my weakness is the opportunity for His strength to be displayed, for His glory.

Because if living the Christian life—a life that pleases God—is something that I could work up to do in my own strength, there would have been no need for Christ to come.

I need Him, He who has fought the war and won the victory; He who has defeated the enemies of sin and Satan and death. The balance is there: The war has been won, and yet I am called to fight the daily battles by the power of the Victor flowing in and through me.

Yesterday as I worked on laundry, some of these same thoughts which have been common these past weeks were already circling in my mind. I shut off the podcast I was listening to, and prayed seeking to listen to my God instead. And in that, I was reminded of the need to put to death my old man, my fleshly desires, each day. But I can’t even crucify my own flesh – that can only be done through the Spirit who brings life in the place of death (Romans 8:13).

Thanks be to God, it is not that I must struggle against my flesh in order to win God’s acceptance and approval. On the contrary, He has adopted me as His daughter through Christ’s death – thereby giving the only reason I have hope of choosing life over the sin and death which form our natural, fallen state (Romans 8:12-17).

And yesterday, as He called me to the beginning of this memory, my mind flew back to a little something I had started in March and finished in June:

I say I started it in March. That’s not strictly true. March is when I pulled some images of crosses from the Internet and selected a font, all of which I began to combine and trace to make this image. But the story of this picture started almost four years ago, on my 21^st birthday at JBU’s Sunday night chapel service. It was there that the words “I am Thine” (referring to myself in relationship to my heavenly Lord, obviously) became emblazoned on my mind. They’ve been there ever since, and often my heart has repeated that cry.

The cross was added to the mental image later, in Northern Ireland. That’s a story of its own, perhaps for another day. But over these past two years since that trip, I’ve been wanting to draw this. Last month, the image was finally completed. And yesterday, it suddenly took on even deeper significance. Not only is the cross the symbol of Christ’s redemption of our souls, it is also the symbol of what we are called to: To take up our cross each day – not to earn our salvation, but because we have it (Luke 9:23-25, Philippians 3:7-11).

These words, this symbol – they are far beyond anything I can accomplish in and of myself. It is all Christ. Therefore, I will gladly boast in my weakness, that through me the strength of His grace may be seen (2 Corinthians 12:9). For His glory alone.

Fresh Love

{I’ve stolen/borrowed this title, as you’ll see later – so I can’t take credit for it!}

This past Thursday evening, I hit a slump of discouragement. There are several probable factors that created it, but in the end God used it to once again remind me how constantly and desperately I need Him. He is all-sufficient, if only I would have the faith to trust and rely on Him rather than myself.

Since then, I have spent some time reading Nehemiah 8 and 9. Those two chapters focus on the reading of the law to the Jews who had returned after exile, and of their response to it. The people were grieved when the law was read and explained by the Levites – and though they were encouraged to not grieve because “the joy of the LORD is your strength” (Neh. 8:10), they later returned to pour their hearts out in confession before God.

During this gathering, the Levites stood up before the people and recounted the history of Israel poetically – but what I found most interesting as I read it this morning is that they started off by blessing God and worshipping Him. The tale they told was one of Israelite rebellion and unfaithfulness, but it was framed and laced throughout with the mercy of God and His worthiness to be obeyed and praised.

As I closed my Bible and prepared to get ready for church, a thought flitted through my mind; something about feeling as though I was just slogging through, trying to do what I knew I should, but often without my heart fully into it. Little did I know then how that very thought would tie into church.

I arrived at church a little early. While sitting there listening to the choir finishing their practice for the service, I watched as a couple of our church leaders brought out the elements for communion. Somehow, that simple sight awakened emotion in me, and a tear had to be wiped from my cheek.

A little later in the service, the Scripture passage for the day’s sermon was read, Revelations 2:1-7. The meat of those verses hit me right between the eyes. Christ, speaking to the church in Ephesus, says:

“I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: have forsaken the love you had at first” (Rev. 2:2-4).

Yes, I thought. Yes, that’s exactly it. That could nearly just as well be speaking about me.

My mind flashed back to a recent group discussion in which I was simultaneously frustrated and prideful. I found myself unduly frustrated with others for not having a working understanding of theological principles which I’ve had something of a grasp on for almost as long as I can remember. And thus the pride came into play as well.

I try to work hard and perform well, often for the sake of giving glory to Christ. I make an effort to hold fast to Scripture, making it my foundation, learning so that I may I understand truth and discern the lie. I do my best to press through times of discouragement.

But where is the love in my heart?

Do I do all these things merely because I am supposed to? Or because my heart is on fire with a love and passion for God and His glory?

While I desire the latter, the former is often more accurate. Just trying to slog through life, to get through one more day.

I don’t want to live like that.

I want to return to the first love of Christ. The love that came, not because of anything I had done but because of what He did. The fresh love, as the preacher put it, that flows from Him through me—of which I am merely a channel, not a creator.

During the sermon, the pastor for the day clarified and reechoed many of these thoughts which had recently been swirling, half-formed, in my mind. In his conclusion, he read 1 Corinthians 13:1-8a. Reminding us that without love, we are nothing. Reminding us of just what kind of love Christ has for us.

As we took communion, our worship leader played a song that had really struck me in church a couple weeks ago. I munched my small square of bread and drank my small cup of juice, remembering what Christ has done for me; remembering that all is by grace.

And so a new day continues, a new hour lies before me. May it be filled with a fresh love for Christ and for others, by His grace.

Why Cast Your Burdens?

Last year about this time, I wrote a couple of posts about the idea of bearing one another’s burdens and casting one’s burdens onto Christ. I had more posts on my mind, but they never reached the stage of being written.

In the past couple months, that theme has been repeating itself in a couple different areas of my life….and so I may write some of those posts I was mulling on last year.

But first, I wanted to mention something else Uncle Jonnes talked about earlier this month after leading us on a journey to the cross, which I talked about in my previous post.

He used a term (Rutegga Mubegga) in his native language, which refers to someone who helps carry someone else’s burden. And he told a story of a man who used this term as a name for Jesus. When he faced troubles and challenges, he taught his daughter how to pray, bringing the burdens to Rutegga Mubegga.

After entrusting them to the shoulder of Jesus, this man was able to live out Christ’s grace and love because he was no longer carrying the weight of the injury done to him. He had entrusted it to the one who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23), and thus was able to serve as a channel of His love and grace.

I really appreciated that imagery, it struck a chord with me. And as I think about it again tonight, I’m reminded of what I wrote in one of my posts last year. We don’t carry our burdens to Christ so that we can have an easy life. No, we are called to surrender the burdens of our sin and our self-protection so that we can take up the burden of loving and caring for others.

Last year, I was going to write a whole post about the song “Let It Go” from Frozen. It resonated with me, because I identified with Elsa’s seeking to find safety by hiding her true self: “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.” But as I’ve thought about it more since then, I can see how misplaced her solution (running away to isolation in an ice castle) to that self-oppression was.

While that song is the one that went viral overnight, it’s not the high point of the movie. In fact, it’s closer to the low point. Elsa was indulging herself, not considering others and the effect her choices were having on them.

Her being bound by fear for all of those years, trying to control her powers herself had not worked, but neither did giving in and carrying out her whims with a wild abandon. It’s not a perfect analogy, but I see in the story a parallel to the Christian life. Isolation is never the answer. If you compare Elsa’s powers to humanity’s flesh, we can see the futility of both trying to stuff our desires and wantonly carrying them out.

Both lead to fear and bondage, not freedom.

So where is freedom found? The movie points in the right direction, but can’t give the full answer. Freedom is found in love – more specifically, the love of Christ. In Him removing our burdens as we choose to surrender to Him, by His grace and strength.

Once we have been transformed and released from fear by the self-sacrificial love of our Savior, then we can be truly free to use the gifts which He has given us: not for our selfish-gratification, but rather for the good of others.

Christ takes our burdens that we may be His servants in leading others to Him to have their burdens also lightened, and all for His glory. That is our mission in and through Him.

Learning to Live in Freedom

“‘Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free……Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:32, 34-36).

It started a couple months ago when I was at Kobwin. When I was hesitant and unsure, one of the family mothers spoke words that went straight to my heart and embedded deeply there, beyond the surface details of the situation. “Don’t be afraid,” she said. “Be free.”

Be free.

Such simple words. But so easy to forget. Since that day, that same idea keeps popping up. So much so that my new bracelet became a combination of hope and freedom. (I haven’t posted the story about my bracelets. I’ll have to write that sometime soon.)

The Holy Spirit had been convicting me the past couple weeks (ever since I thought about & shared my testimony with my Institute class) that much of my life I have been bound by fear of one sort or another. Fear of failure/imperfection, fear of rejection, fear of not being in control (fear of misfortunes). And when fear is a major motivating factor in my life, it chases peace and joy.

Of course, I know with my head that I can’t keep myself from making mistakes in my own strength. I know that my identity must not be bound by what other people think of me (what “they say”). And I know that there’s no way I can prevent bad things from happening! But knowing the truth doesn’t always mean I live by it, sadly.

Almost two weeks ago, there was a situation in which I was trying to serve others out of my own strength, and probably for my own honor. But when my strength ran out, I started behaving rudely to the people around me. In those moments, I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t stop. I was exhausted, shattered by the end of it. I’ve been feeling that shattered, exhausted feeling a couple times since then….

Even as I was walking back to my house, I knew that I would need to apologize to some people. I can’t remember if I confessed it to God in prayer that night or the next morning……but as I thought about what had happened the following day, I fell into the old habit of berating myself for falling short of my own expectations. And God’s, right??

“You were behaving like such a brat!” I told myself, among other things. But as my mind thought that last word, it flew to a story in a childhood series I loved to read. At first, I wanted to ignore it as a rabbit trail, away from what I thought was important at the moment. But I felt the Spirit prompting me to remember the story.

{As a very brief explanation, the series is an allegory about God’s Story in three parts: Tales of the Kingdom, the Resistance, and the Restoration. The world is pictured in the first two as the Enchanted City, under the control of an evil emperor. The true King spends the first book living in exile, but he comes back to the city in the second book.}

In this particular chapter, young orphaned children are forced to work underground keeping the city’s massive sewage and power systems working. They are called Sewer Rats and Boiler Brats. And they live their lives bound in fear: fear that the city’s infrastructure will grind to a halt on their watch (as it often did), bringing a dreaded visit from the emperor or at least his evil henchmen. Which always brought punishment for failing what was really an impossible task.

But one night, the exiled King miraculously appears in their dark underground world. He offers them love, acceptance, and freedom—and he leads them out of the prison of fear back to his kingdom outside the borders of the Enchanted City. In his kingdom, there are no orphans. There are adopted sons and daughters.

I don’t know when I had last thought about that series—it had been a while. But God used that story, along with other things He has been reminding me of, to learn something “new” with my heart (of course, it’s not really new. Rather, it’s an old lesson. But it’s something which has often been stuck at a head knowledge level in my life).

So often, I fail. And when I fail, I mentally beat myself up over it. And I feel like God must be so disappointed in me. When I turn to Him and confess, I usually do so in an attitude of trying to humiliate myself before Him like the prodigal son tried to do. And so often, I find myself met with God’s grace and love and forgiveness and acceptance—not the condemnation I know so well I deserve. I know this is because through Christ’s finish work—wonder of wonders—God sees in me the righteousness of Christ.

That morning as I sat here thinking about my mistake, and yet the freedom I have in Christ from guilt and condemnation, God taught my heart in a deeper way than I had known before that the past is the past. It does no good to wallow in guilt and to hold onto that feeling that I have failed. I can never change the past. I can choose the present and hope for the future. But the choice is not one I am required to make in my own strength – and the hope is not an empty, wishful thinking. Both are guided and guarded by Christ. And the past? Its mistakes are wiped clean by Christ.

I don’t by any means wish to cheapen God’s grace. That is, of course, the danger with such a line of thinking. Paul felt the same tension in Romans 5:20-6:1ff. But just yesterday I was part of a conversation in which we were discussing the difference between conviction and guilt. My tendency is definitely to guilt trip myself….and it’s a habit that I can see God calling me out of.

Our Father does not want His beloved children bound by the guilt of the past. Jesus Christ has dealt with the past, IT IS FINISHED (John 19:30). We are FREE from the guilt of the past (though not always all the consequences—BUT GOD will use even them for good) because of HIS completed work.

“Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them” (Psalms 32:1-2, as quoted in Romans 4:8). The truth and beauty of those verses swept over my soul amidst tears just a few days ago. I’ve often been living under a cloud of guilt and fear for months and years. But thanks be to God for His patience with me! He’s never giving up, and the light of His truth and grace and FREEDOM are continuing to break through.

Because He is good, and His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.

The Refiner’s Fire

{I just wrote this in my journal this morning, but felt I should share it here too. It’s all by His grace. Without Him, I am nothing.}

It’s been a month now since Jill fell and broke her arm. And it has been a hard, hard month. Of course there have been good moments and times when I have felt God’s blessings….but most of the time I have been stressed and/or frustrated.

I know that’s not the right response. I know I’ve got to trust GOD to work all things for Good and to {help me} live each moment righteously through Him….but my flesh so so so easily takes charge, I try to do it on my own, and I usually end up so angry that I’m nearly shaking {when things go wrong, when things happen that are outside of my control}.

Abba Father! I come to You because there is nowhere else to go. Abba, if there’s one thing I’m being confronted with every day here, it is that I am not in control. Father, I confess that my hunger for control is sin. It’s pride. It’s evidence of a failure to trust You.

God, I spent months {last year} asking You to break me, to strip away everything from my life that was not of You. I can feel the heat of the fire, Refiner of my soul. I can feel it and I want so badly to run away, to escape it.

Abba Father! Please don’t let me go! Please don’t let me pull away from Your sanctifying grasp. Abba, I beg You, please keep me – no, please make me to be humble and soft before You, my Master and my King of Glory.

For God, You are Good! And Father, I am thankful. Even though my flesh quivers as I write that….I am thankful to You. I thank You and praise You for Your grace, Your patience with my frail stumblings.

Jesus, You are the Christ. You alone have eternal life. And so, no matter what, help me soul to trust in You.

There is nowhere else—no one else to whom—I would rather turn.

Satisfy me in every moment with Your love, Your peace, Your grace. May Your indestructible Joy be my only strength.

For Your glory alone.

                Amen.

{As I finish typing this in and prepare to get ready for the day, I don’t want to leave this moment, this place of my soul. Because I know that there will be trials and temptations in this day, probably before I even reach the office and get this posted before starting work. And I forget so easily! But those next steps of physical life must be taken, and it’s an opportunity to trust God and to put my faith into practice. That’s how our Creator made life work. But He is also always there to turn to in prayer each moment. Live through me, Abba.}

I Know Nothing of Sacrifice

{Warning – this is a rant that has been coming on for a while.}

In three weeks, I’ll be getting on a plane to go back to the bush of Uganda, and I couldn’t be more excited to do it! Yes, there will be luxuries and conveniences that I will certainly miss…but I will also get to see friends again, and I will get to be joining a ministry which seeks to help kids know the Fatherhood of God by experiencing it through us.

Sometimes, though, the thoughts—thoughts of what I’m leaving behind, thoughts of what I’m missing out on—are challenging to accept.

The other day, I received an email from a friend making a referral of a job possibility for me. When I first read the email, I didn’t think too much of it. I am committed to Uganda for at least 14 months, and I am eager to fulfill that commitment, especially because I am confident Kasana is where God is leading me!

But last night, when I opened up an email to let the person know I wasn’t available, it hit me more. Here was a job opportunity. A “real,” “big-girl” job. One in my degree field. One that would—I assume—allow me to provide for myself financially….to be fully independent for the first time since graduation.

In some ways, it was very tempting. It was a moment where I had to let go of my desire to be self-sufficient on my own. A moment where I had to once again trust God’s leading…trust Him to provide for me as I go into this place where I will be 100% counting on the support and donations of friends.

Today, I sent the email refusing the job opportunity, and there was no serious hesitation in that choice. But it did get me thinking.

Because it feels so unfair. It seems as though I am sacrificing a lot to go where I will have intermittent electricity and internet. Where there is no air conditioning other than the breeze. Where my freedom to move about will be somewhat hampered by basic safety concerns. Where there are no washing machines, dryers, microwaves, or dishwashers. Where I must count on people’s generosity for everything.

This is especially true when I think about other bigger missions organizations I know about which pay their staff members comfortable incomes. My mind goes to at least one “non-profit” whose president and handful of VPs each make six-figure annual incomes. Yes, they do good, good work. But how many MORE people could they help if those organizational leaders chose to live more modest lives?

We Americans think—I so often think—that we/I “deserve” a certain standard of living. We have a huge sense of entitlement that honestly is a bunch of bologna.

One job I applied for last fall here in the States probably would have paid me more in one year than some of my friends in Uganda—the better employed ones!—could dream of making, even if they worked for 50 years (in a country where the life expectancy is 58). I can go to a fast food place here and blow more money on one meal than day laborers there can make in a week.

And when I think of that, it makes me sick. And it makes me realize that I know nothing of sacrifice.

 Sure, in the bush of Uganda I will lack a lot of conveniences. But I will still be living the “good life.” I have friends who live in the village who have no power at all. No Internet, definitely no cable, probably no TV at all. Who probably do not have bathroom facilities. Who probably have to walk a good distance just to fetch water.

I don’t write this so that you will pity them. They don’t need your pity. Many of them know more about living an intentional, communitarian life than most Americans. Relationally, I believe they lead much richer lives. Because when someone has a need, they do what they can to help fulfill it. They care for one another and help bear one another burdens on a daily basis, and it is beautiful to witness.

Earlier today, as I was holding this rant in the recesses of my own mind, a thought struck me.

I definitely do not really know anything of sacrifice. Even my friends in Uganda do not know all there is of sacrifice.

We each know different parts of sacrifice. They know what it is to truly be in want. But they did not choose that station in life, and many of them wish to better their circumstances. For me, I am choosing to give up certain things. But as I said, I will still be living a comfortable life compared to parts of the world. What’s more, I have the certain opportunity to return to my plush, fancy (albeit middle-class) life in America.

But there is Another who knows everything that sacrifice entails. One who gave up the riches of the universe for a peasant’s life—who during His sojourn here did not even have a place to lay His heavenly head.

And that was only the beginning of the Truest Sacrifice.

Because not only was He poor. Not only was He misunderstood and often rejected. Not only was He bound for the first time in eternity by the constraints and weaknesses of a human body. On top of all these—each a sacrifice bigger than any I could possibly make, even if I lost everything and went to live in the poorest streets of the world—On top of all these, He willingly chose to relinquish His right to command angel armies. His right to be worshipped for Who He was. He gave up His very life. For what? For His glory, yes. But it was also for His enemies that He made this sacrifice. For you and me.

Because what do we as human beings actually, truly deserve?

We deserve to be destroyed, to be banished from God’s presence forever. We deserve nothing other than the wrath and judgment of God. This very instant. Every breath any human breathes—the fact that the world still exists and we are alive—is a gift of God’s grace. But the fact that He has made me His own dear child—and that at such a high cost……there are no words for such grace and love.

The innumerable physical luxuries I am enjoying this very moment? Sitting here in my room of a house, with lights, AC, laptop, music, a closet full of clothes, a satisfied stomach, money in my purse, clean from a running water shower…….Those are not things that I deserve. They are gifts. But at worst, they can be horrible distractions.

And as I think of all this, I can’t wait to go back to Uganda. To go back to a place where I am reminded on a daily basis that I must depend on God for the strength to face each moment. Where I am confronted every day with how enormously blessed I am.

What’s more, I’ll be following in the footsteps of my Savior. Not because of how good I am, but because of His grace and mercy at work in my life. And it’s all for His glory, for the sake of His great name.

There’s nothing else to say to that.

Sources of Satisfaction

In the past week/month, God has used a variety of things to call me out on something which has been an issue in my life for the past several years: Where am I looking for support & fulfillment & satisfaction?

Of course, I know what the answer ought to be – I should be looking to God for those things. But the reality is that over the last weeks/months/even a couple of years, I have been looking to the people around me. Back in high school, I was looking to myself—building walls keeping others out. Neither of these two personal realities is good on their own. I cannot satisfy myself, and other people cannot either. Only God can.

But that requires trusting Him, even when we know that His plans may take us through tough times. I don’t quite know how to articulate this….but in the past couple years my relational life has done a pendulum swing. I started in high school with not letting anyone in….in the middle of college I was maybe closer to a balanced center of finding love and satisfaction in the grace of God….and in the past year the pendulum swung to leaning too heavily on people around me.

Part of the latter is a symptom of the sinful distrust in God which has tried to sprout in my heart as things have not gone as I thought they should since graduation. It’s been a crazy year, full of roller coaster ups and downs. And especially in the months here in Uganda, I’ve been looking to individual people to fulfill my needs rather than truly finding my strength in God alone.

As I said in the first paragraph, God’s been giving me a wakeup call on that. He’s opened my eyes to better see the consequences of me seeking satisfaction primarily from other people. And writing this post isn’t to say I have it perfectly figured out. But I hope that in the coming weeks I will be less needy/demanding and more intentionally caring/loving toward those around me.

Early last month, I read the first chapter of a women’s devotional book[1] that I had “just happened” to find and download for my Kindle app. And it contained a message I greatly needed to hear…but even in the weeks between then and now I have been a very very slow learner in practicing what it taught/reminded me.

In that chapter, Beth Moore tells her readers that she has discovered “what makes life work.” Taking verses from Deuteronomy 7, Colossians 3, and Psalm 63, she challenges us to think about if we have truly taken God as our God, if He is truly our refuge and strength. We should yearn to have relationship and intimacy with Him, not out of a discipline or “have to” attitude, but because we hunger for Him.

“God made our souls to long for Him, and we are not fully satisfied without His presence in our lives,” she writes. She goes on to say that just because we have received salvation through Christ does not guarantee that we are choosing to receive our fulfillment from Him. We can be saved and yet still trying to “do life” by our own power.

She continues, “We are not satisfied by simply accepting salvation and then ascending to heaven when the time comes. Instead, God wants us to have a relationship with Him during our lifetime.” This is certainly something that I have struggled with, because (especially in high school) I often wished I could just escape this life and be done with it all. I just wanted to be home free, in God’s presence. But I’m not. I’m still here.

Rereading this chapter yesterday (when I wrote this) I was again convicted about how much I have tried the two “alternatives” she talks about: “subsistence living” (begging others to fill the vacuum only Christ was meant to fill) and “substitute living” (turning to idols rather than to Christ). Neither of which truly satisfies.

Her application is that we must daily make the choice to very intentionally seek the fulfillment of our needs from God, especially partaking of the food He has given us (His Word) and seeking to have that abide in us. It’s only then that we can be solid and secure, whether people are loving and helpful (which is still nice!) or whether people let us down (which they sometimes/often will, because they are human).

Beth Moore concludes that God’s love is totally unconditional and perfect, and it is better than life (Ps. 63:3). God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us – and that’s why we know that He can be trusted to supply our daily needs. All we need to do is ask!

The weekend before I read this chapter, I had come across this blog post about hungering for God. As I read this young woman’s raw writing, I felt my own heart convicted…and so I began to pray a similar prayer. But in the weeks since then, as God has allowed a variety of circumstances which have tested my response, over and over I have thrown self-pity parties or gone running to people rather than turning to Him. And that is a sin against Him (and others) which I have had to confess this week.

And even though this week has been another hard week, following up on weeks and months of challenges, changes, uncertainties….this time He got my priorities a little straighter. I went to God first. Did it still hurt/cause confusion? For sure. Did I still cry while talking to my mom on the phone about stuff? Oh yeah, I did. Is it still a battle not to be consumed with questioning “why???” or “what if?” and trying to figure out how to make things work my way? Yes, it definitely is.

But I was also able to come to a place—at least for one moment the other morning—where I submitted myself in prayer to whatever God has. And where I found peace in Him. And I pray that I can continue to abide in the Truth and security I found in that moment, no matter how the storms may rage. Because He is the only valid source of true satisfaction.

---

[1] A Woman and Her God, ©2003 – each chapter by a different author

The Greatest Thing in the World

What is the greatest thing in the world {other than God Himself}? Some may say it is wealth, or beauty, or power. Christians might list off things such as joy, hope, faith, trust, etc. But what is truly the greatest thing in the world?

According to 1 Corinthians 13:13, it is LOVE which comes out on top: “Now abide faith, hope, love, theses three; but the greatest of these is love.” Love is greater, Paul says, than even the cornerstone of faith and the capstone of hope.

Today is Valentine’s Day – a day used to celebrate love throughout at least the western world. But is that feelings-oriented, romantic love the type of love which Paul was referring to? I think NOT. The preceding verses before his proclamation quoted above explain his definition of love. Go read it for yourself—it’s a short chapter!—and see if you think it matches up with what the world tries to sell as “love.”

Welcome back! If you read those verses very carefully, I think you would be quick to agree with me that living out everything Paul says love is seems like an impossible task. To mention just two, he says that love “is not self-seeking” and “always perseveres” (vs. 5b, 7d). I don’t know about you, but it’s pretty common for me to realize that I am focused on my own wishes, or that I’m wanting to give up on doing things that are difficult. But true love, by Paul’s definition, does not give in to either. So he seems, in this chapter, to set an unattainably high standard, yet states (in vs. 1-3) that without love we miss out big time.

Additionally, loving one another is a command. In the Upper Room Discourse, Jesus gave His disciples a new marching order: “that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another” (John 13:34). Jesus says in the next verse that this love will be a signifier of His followers to the rest of the world! On His last night with His disciples, Jesus took the time to urge—no, to command!—them to love one another.

The apostle John came back to this idea of love again in his first epistle. In 1 John 4:7-19, he reiterates the importance of loving one another. Just a few comments from this passage:

• God IS love (vs. 8, 16). His character is the definition of love, and love is an integral part of who He is.
• God loves us first (vs. 9-10). Even when we were running far away from God, He loved and wooed us.
• Our love is to picture the invisible God (vs. 12-16). When unbelievers see Christians loving one another, especially in unconditional and sacrificial ways, it is a testimony of God’s character.
• No fear in love (vs. 18). We believers can have confidence that when we face the potential of judgment we are covered by the blood of Christ because of His love for us.
• We love because He first loved us! (vs. 19).

The kind of love which Paul and John have described for us is a pretty tall order – it’s pretty intimidating. What’s more, Jesus told us to love as He has loved us (see Philippians 2:1-11 for a more in-depth picture of that!). Again, we are confronted with the impossibility of this task. BUT this is what God calls us to, and as He has loved us so His love is to overflow from us to others.

It can be easy to think of reasons for why we should not love this completely. What if I show people this love and they reject me? Or I’m too busy doing ____good thing to make that kind of sacrifice. Remember, though: Paul said the love he described in 1 Cor. 13 is greater and more important than anything else! What’s more, God has called us to do this. Therefore, we should follow His lead and leave the results up to Him.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:18-19).

**Last night the folks here at the Institute had our second weekly worship meeting. My roommate and I were asked to lead it this week by picking songs and sharing a little bit of a devotional. Since this is what has been frequently on my mind and heart the past couple of years, this is what I shared. It was only after I started considering talking about it that I thought of the Valentine’s Day tie-in. Which is why it is also getting posted on here!

I must mention here a book to which I am partly indebted for the inspiration of this post. I “just happened” to find a copy at a used book store in N. Ireland this summer, and as I read it while in North Carolina I couldn’t help but be impacted by it. It’s called Love: The Greatest Thing in the World, and it is not-too-long—but deep—investigation of 1 Cor. 13 and its application. I’ve been meaning to blog about it ever since and never have…so this is at least a hint of what it has brought to mind.

Beyond This Moment

Tonight, going through some old files, I came across one of my Word document rambles, written on March 3, 2012. I had never posted it, for some reason, though it had run in the campus newspaper as a column. Reading it, it was as though the Esther from 18 months ago--how much farther back that seems--was preaching to the Esther in the present. And it was a message I needed to hear.

For a bit of context, this older post came just a couple weeks before. Some things don't really change.... {sigh}

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I’m glad our college campus is located near a graveyard.  I don’t typically think about that fact, but this morning (March 2) I wanted to get out for a walk…a desire which ended up with me wandering through the cemetery on the roads.  It got me thinking (which really is a dangerous thing).

God has been working in my life a lot over the past 12-14 months – teaching/reminding me of many things about Him and about myself.  As I was meandering through the headstones spotted throughout the plot of land to our south, I couldn’t help but consider the question “What does my life really count for?”

Surrounded by stone monuments bearing the names of people who have lived and died—some more than a hundred years ago—it’s a relevant question.  There are probably few people who could tell you anything about some of the folks the older markers commemorate.  But they, like me, had hopes, plans, ambitions.  They, like me, probably had lives which they hoped to use to benefit the world somehow.

But for many of them, their only memorial is a slab of rock with some words chiseled into it.  So many people – so many stories – where does mine fit in the grand scheme of things?  My head knows the answer easily, and my heart echoes it with conviction: my life, as with each person’s, has some role to play in God’s grand plan.

I may not see it right now.  I may never understand it fully here on earth.  I will most likely end up someday like one of the people buried down the street – an unremembered name carved into stone which cannot even endure 200 years of weathering.  Nevertheless, my life does have a purpose.

But what is that purpose, I wondered as I walked, the cold wind blowing my face.  Life can seem so fleeting.  It comes and goes so fast – what am I doing that matters?  Throughout my walk, I noticed patches of small wildflowers which have sprung up with the wondrous coming of spring.  They too made me consider my life.

Those little flowers spend their whole existence trying to poke through the dead grass, searching for some sunlight.  Or they slowly develop from budded branches of trees.  They open up their small flower faces, for what purpose?  They may fall off of the tree and land on the ground, as the flowers I wore in my ponytail did.  Often, they get stepped on and trampled by beings much larger than themselves.  They may be eaten or simply shrivel up and die when their time is done.

And yet they bloom.  Their beauty is on display for those who take the time to see it.  And even if no person ever recognizes it, these small treasures serve a purpose: they carry on a gift to the next generation.  The Bible compares our lives to the lifecycle of flowers.  Isaiah 40:6-8 contrasts the transient nature of the plants with the everlasting Word of God.  In 1 Peter 1:22-25, Peter references the Isaiah passage and urges his readers to be incorruptible.

How?  What is it that I am called to do that will last beyond the short days of my life?

The answer is love.  And, surprisingly, this can be expressed using the lyrics of two pop songs, one old and one new.  Frequently when I listen to secular music, I find myself discovering a potential deeper, spiritual meaning.  Such is the case with these two.  Both were written to refer to sexual love (I would assume), but today they offered a broader lesson.

The first was “Who Wants to Live Forever?”, a 1986 song by the rock band Queen.  The lyrics remind the listener that people don’t live forever.  “Who dares to live forever?” the song asks, as it informs that “love must die.”  In the writer’s world view, that may be true.  But I believe that there is more to my existence than this brief life.  The love I have been given, I am to share with all people I come in contact with.  It then becomes like the little flowers – a gift that keeps on giving even when my short spring is over.

The second song that came to mind as I walked back to my last class of the week was Justin Bieber’s “I Just Need Somebody to Love.”  And there is some extent to which that is true.  I have been entrusted with a treasure, a gift.  To keep it to myself would be selfish and wasteful.  A self-preserving life is the epitome of a useless life.  I am called to follow in my Savior’s footsteps – to share the love which I have been given.

I don’t have to go out and change the world to make my life have meaning.  I do need simply to show individuals their importance and worth.  I am called to share God’s gift with others.  The rest is up to Him.

What I Learned in Ireland

It’s amazing how much impact one month can have. Just four weeks – but for me it really was the capstone (thus far) of almost 2.5 years of deep heart work that God has been doing. Writing the title of this post, I knew there’s no way I can truly do justice in trying to put down everything I learned….especially because a lot of it is just the fruit of a much longer process.

So what did I gain from my time in the “emerald isle”?

First off, the overarching theme through all of this is God's incredible faithfulness. Obviously, none of this could have happened without His working - and I am so immensely thankful to Him for that!

~~I learned again my own fallenness – in my own strength, I can do nothing. In my flesh, I am a me-focused, selfish, prideful person. Even writing this out and sharing it could be done in a way seeking self-gratification – but my desire here is to share what God’s GRACE has been at work doing in my life, often in spite of me.

~~For about a year, the idea of dying daily has been rolling around in my head. Songs such as “Lead Me to the Cross” and “King of My Life” have kept coming up in my mind. And I’ve been praying that Christ would bring me to a point of consistently crucifying my old man. In Ireland, I came to understand more how truly difficult and painful that can be – but so very worth it. The seed of this was planted way back in 2008, and created the foundation for the name of this blog.

~~Related to that is the concept of control and ownership. I’m a control freak, and very dependent on MY ownership of MY stuff. But during the past year and a half plus, surrender has been an important concept that God keeps bringing back to the forefront of my mind. This has come to be signified in my mind by the phrase “I am Thine,” a reminder that the God who redeemed me by shedding His Son’s blood is the only one who has any real claim on my life.

~~Another closely connected theme is that of TRUST. This is something else God’s been working on in my life for about 15 months. Part of surrender is choosing to trust God’s plan rather than trying to make my own work. The day I left Dallas for Boone, the teacher at my church in Dallas preached a message hitting this nail right on the head. I would encourage you to listen to it here.

~~Freedom – when I do come to a point of surrendering my own will and placing my trust in God, it does bring relief. Because suddenly, it’s His work that He will accomplish in His time and His way. In some ways, that takes all of the pressure off of me! Of course, it’s not an easy process at all to trust Him so completely (though I certainly wish it were – because He’s worthy of that). But I’m no longer the one who has to make something of myself. Instead, I simply have to make myself available to Him.

~~God’s GRACE and PATIENCE are truly boundless. I was reminded by this over and over again in Ireland. All those moments when I would be focused on my ideas and on myself, and His Spirit would catch me on it, pointing my perspective back to Him. He always stood by, waiting patiently for me to let go of myself and cling to Him. No matter how many times I stumbled, He was always right there.

~~Reality of fear. This is naturally related to trust…..for quite a while, God has asked me—often at the most inconvenient of moments—“Do you trust Me?” And oftentimes, if I’m being honest, I have to say no. Last semester I realized for the first time that my willingness to trust had been deeply injured by stuff that had happened…and I feared voluntarily relinquishing my sense of control because of that. It’s a long story…one I’ve been contemplating blogging about but haven’t yet.

~~The blessing of healing: I’ve been a very introverted person for a long time – and I still am. But this year God has finally brought me to a place where I am confident enough in who I am that I am willing to open up and share with others about what I struggle with. I’m finally beginning to learn to accept my flaws and imperfections—not as in allowing them to remain in my life, but as in being willing to honestly share about the challenges God has brought me through and the ways He is continuing to sanctify me.

~~The depths of love. Two summers ago, God taught me a lot about being willing to love unconditionally, from 1 John 4. Before we ever left for Ireland, I prayed—and asked people to pray for me—that God would fill me with His love for the kids of Killyleagh. And He did – so very much. Even though I was often annoyed at their apparent lack of listening abilities, and often discouraged by the feeling that I wasn’t getting through to them, I love them. I often wished I could just find ways to show them each just how much God cares for them.

~~Lessons for me…..  I learned on the very first day of ministry in Killyleagh that I needed to learn and be reminded of the importance of the characteristics of God that we were teaching just as much as the kids did. Compassion: meeting someone’s needs, not just shushing them to do your own thing. Humility: caring about others and putting their needs above your own. And so many others!

~~God answers prayer. I’ve already alluded to this a couple of times. Another “dangerous” prayer I’ve been praying for a while is that God would break me and strip me of myself. And there were definitely times in the past month where I have felt so very broken before Him. But He doesn’t leave me there. He brings cleansing and healing, building me up into a tool for His use, for His glory.

Coming back stateside has been a whole process in and of itself. The first couple of days I was honestly an emotional wreck. So many feelings and experiences I was trying to process, plus being tired from travelling. Over the weekend I just felt full – like I’d taken in everything I possibly could, like I couldn’t hold another drop. And now I’m in a whole new place with whole new lessons to learn, and it would be so easy to stay focused on the past. But the sanctification process doesn’t stop – God just keeps on refining. And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

At dinner the evening before we left Ireland, Becci asked several of us what were three words we would use to describe our time in Ireland. It wasn’t too hard for me to answer that: WRESTLING. BEAUTY. CRAZINESS. This whole post is an attempted explanation, a try at unwinding all three of those, but especially the first one. And that’s why, if you ask me how my trip to Ireland was, I’ll respond that it was wonderful and fantastic – really hard in some ways, but so very good. And if I seem reluctant to go into details, it’s because all of this whole post—or at least parts of it—are running through my mind. And I just don’t know how much you really want to know. But now you have the rest of the story. And yet even this is merely a scratch on the surface of the work God’s been doing in me. All praise goes to Him J

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

(Phil. 3:12-14)

God is Good - I'm still broken

God is good. I believe this with all of my mind. He is still teaching me to trust in that truth with all of my heart. My Savior is beautiful, and He loves me – regardless of anything. Because this was never about me. It’s about Him and His glorious, amazing character.

If you haven’t read my post about brokenness from this summer, you should go read it before you keep reading this…

I was in a dark place this evening…darker than any I’ve been in before. I’ve been in dark places before, but not for a while. This one caught me off guard and dragged me under deeper than I expected. And I felt stuck.

I was praying, I was begging God for His mercy and His grace. My head knew nothing had changed in Him – but my heart refused to accept it.

God knew I was getting a big head I guess. I felt as though I’d come a long way from high school, that I knew the truth and that the truth had freed me. But I was and am still holding on to that idea that I can make myself good, that I can make my life look like I expect it to. And when I fail, I still hesitate to accept His grace.

I can’t dig myself out. I can’t make my life “work.” He calls me to let go, to lose myself in Him.

Sarah pointed me toward this song, and it fit my situation perfectly. And since this post is still focusing way too much on me, we’re just going to end it here.

Lord God, You are grace. You are peace. Father, You see me. You know me more deeply than I will ever do. Break my selfishness, my self-sufficiency. God, You alone have the words – You alone are the way.

He gave me the rest of the post!

My Lord God is victorious. He has already overcome ALL THINGS. There is nothing I or anyone can do that has not already been dealt with and answered to by the sacrifice of Christ.

Tonight at the scholarship dinner, one of the speakers mentioned three things. I don’t remember quite the exact context…but she said that God looks at us and says three things about us:
1. I created you.
2. I love you.
3. I died for you, so that someday you shall live with Me.

And that someday isn’t now. It isn’t yet. “In this world you will have tribulation – but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world” (John 16:33)

We are not left here to earn our way. We’re not left until we deserve anything. We are left to learn trust, to learn grace.

Grace: I can’t even begin to define it. God is gracious. He has overwhelmed us with His grace, freeing us from our earthly guilt. He knows. He sees. And yet He loves just the same. Because of Grace. Because His sufferings wipe us clean. Because when He looks at us, He sees the beautiful end result of His plan – not the just-begun reconstruction.

Grace. Contentment. Trust. Giving up the control I think I have.

Love – undeserved, unearned, a free gift.

Called to Love

Well, break is over and I'm back at school. It was good to have a time without studying. I still worked a good bit, but I also had time to just relax and to reflect. God is continuing to remind me of things. One of the things in the past month has been what His call on the lives of His people is.

I've been spending time in Philippians for a little over a week now. The last couple days I've been in chapter 2, and God used it to remind me that each of us is called to love others sacrificially, as Christ loved us.

God's love for us is SO amazing and SO unconditional. But we should not keep that love for ourselves. He loves us so that we can in turn pour out love onto others. We are not here in this world for us. We are here to bring glory to God and to shine as His lights (Phil. 2:15).

Just today I was reading a chapel talk that Chip Pollard, the president of JBU, gave a while ago and put into his book May It Always Be True. This particular one was focusing on kindness, based on Mark 12:28-31 about the greatest commandment being to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves.

In the section about loving God, President Pollard writes:

"We should love the Lord our God with all aspects of our being. Our love for God should move us emotionally...tax us intellectually...stretch us physically...shape our spiritual character...define the inner core of our personality. There is no part of our being that should not respond to God's character. Moreover, to love God with all [of your being]...means being willing to surrender [all of your being]...to His calling." pg. 46

As often happens, God has been using multiple sources to remind me of His truth on this issue. Love is a powerful force. It can change the world - turn it upside down. And we have been given this "secret weapon" if you will. The devil doesn't understand love. How could he? It's antithetical to him and who he is. If Christians would only be willing to sacrifice our own self-pleasure enough to unleash the full power of God's love through us, we could be His tools to transform this globe.

Something else God reminded me of as I was out walking this afternoon is that it isn't enough for me to think about these things, or to write about them. I must act. So, you are more than welcome to keep me accountable on this. When you see me, you could ask me "what have you done to love someone else?" Thanks :)

God's Puzzle: Part 4

Last summer was a lot like a roller coaster. I had many high points and more lessons – but I also had some deep lows and griefs, mostly from my main job. I don’t talk about particulars because I feel that would be gossiping. Suffice it to say I am no longer under any illusion that parenting is an easy job. I did post about it on a general level here.

The big picture theme for my summer was that my home church services were alive in a way I had never experienced before. I actually felt that they were profitable – that I wasn’t just going through the motions to be there. Now, that is not to say that they weren’t good before. I think the change was more in me than it was in the church. But I was thankful for the new me who appreciated church at a deeper level than before. I posted about some of the church services here and here.

Also, while the spring semester’s lessons had focused around the fact that I am loved and accepted by God, the summer focused on what that means on a very practical level. Over and over again all summer, I heard the question in my head: “Do you trust Me?” No matter how bad I thought things might be, no matter how hard it was, that question was the center. And God never failed me. That doesn’t mean I didn’t fail, but God was always there for me when I was willing to turn to Him. At the beginning of August, I wrote a post about it that also started hinting at what the theme of the fall semester would be. Another post expanded more on the theme.

But as part of the summer, God had another reminder planned about His love. The college group at my church went through Tim Keller’s Prodigal God video series. We also spent a relaxing weekend with our leaders at a lake house. While there were still struggles even there, God led me to read 1 John 4 focusing on love. There’s so much in that chapter about God’s love for us – I would encourage you to read it if you’re ever discouraged…or even if you’re not. It’s a convicting reminder that we are called to love as we have been loved, and that we do not need to fear anything because “perfect love casts out fear.”

My summer ended with an emotional rollicking kaboom – and although I was somewhat excited to come back to college and see all my friends I was already starting to dread what will happen after I graduate. After all, I was half way done! Which is why this semester's lessons have been so perfect.

God's Puzzle: Part 1

{Checkout the prologue from last night if you haven't seen it :) }

It started, oddly enough, with homework for a class. I took the Student Leadership class, and we read a book by Henri Nouwen entitled “In the Name of Jesus.” I wrote in my journal about it on Jan. 23 – and although it caused me to end up crying again this time the tears were not tears of frustration that God didn’t seem to be meeting me where I was. Instead, this time the tears were more of repentance for my sin that was blocking me from the good God had in store for me. I was finally beginning to gain a more correct perspective. It is never a question of if God loves me. He does! “Only He is capable of loving me despite my failings,” I wrote. “Not even I can do that. Only He is capable of keeping me out of my deep, self-made rut.”

Two days later, Jill Briscoe came to speak in chapel for Spiritual Renewal Week. She talked about people losing their spiritual edge. As I had been standing there singing (I think before she talked…but I’m not positive), the thought had come to my mind – “What I do is not a question of earning God’s love. I don’t need to earn it. He already loves me, no matter what. Salvation really is a gift – I really can’t earn it. Anything I do for Him is a gift of love.” That reminder/realization was the beginning of my personal revival. Yes, of course I knew that in my head before that moment. But I hadn’t been living it out.

From there, everything kind of started happening at once. There’s no way I can compile a record here of everything I feel God has taught me in the months since then. Early on, when I was first intending to write this post, I wanted to call it “God doesn’t work in a vacuum.” On a frequent basis throughout last spring, I would have what I’ve come to call “Lessons of the Day” (LotD) that usually get put onto my Twitter account (Esther0925). Although it seems odd now looking back that such a drastic change would happen so quickly, I kept thinking of things that applied to what I was going through and that I believe have been promptings of the Holy Spirit. I kind of feel as though I’m walking a thin line here, because I don’t believe I have received some sort of “special revelation.” At the same time, I think God has been teaching me and I want to share what I have learned with others in the hope that God may use it in their lives as well.

The only bad thing about my Twitter LotD’s is that when I look back at them I frequently have no context. But on Feb. 24 I tweeted: “Lord, teach me how to love You. First and foremost, You alone. My life will never truly work out until You are at the center.” That weekend was the women’s retreat that I talked about a bit earlier. It was the next big step in the process. The subject was authenticity. I’m not going to write much about it here because it was an intensely personal and reflective time that, frankly, I’m not willing to be vulnerable enough with the world wide web to put here. Suffice it to say I filled up 8.5 pages with notes in my chapel notebook and another 8.5 pages of reflection in my journal. Again, I closed with a prayer that September’s rereading showed had been answered. “I pray that You would continue to quicken my awareness of You….Refresh me with Your presence each moment, I pray.” And as the days and weeks continued, He did.