tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63010937990338901202024-03-13T04:47:24.592-07:00On a Quest...A Quest to know HIMEstherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.comBlogger115125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-91707034628544784692022-03-21T18:16:00.000-07:002022-03-21T18:16:08.080-07:00My Heart-ostat<p>Today my counselor and I got onto the subject of regulating and expressing emotions.</p><p>{I love my counselor, she is very much a Biblical Counselor, not just a nominally Christian counselor like some of the ones I have gone to in the past. Ellen actually uses Scripture with me, every time - and she opens and closes us in prayer, every time. She is also incredibly affirming and encouraging ... at least most of the time. But she's also not afraid to call me out on something when she senses the need!}</p><p>This evening, after we'd been talking about some various life circumstances, she took us to James 4:1-3. I won't say this nearly as eloquently as she did, but I'm going to try and share with you the lesson that she shared with me from that passage. And yes, I do have her permission to blog about and publish this! :)</p><p>Our regulator as believers is the Spirit of Christ indwelling in us, she shared. And by Him indwelling us, it doesn't just mean that He lives inside of us; but also that He fills every part of us.</p><p>In James 4, the author paints a picture of people who were very *dys*regulated. They were fighting and quarreling because of the {fleshly} desires battling within them. They were going to the extent of killing {I would guess in a Matthew 5:22-sense} just because they could not get what they desired. Their covetousness led to fights and quarrels. Why? Because they weren't asking God for what they desired; or when they did ask, they asked selfishly (with wrong motives), wanting to spend what they got on their {fleshly} pleasures.</p><p>It is a serious inditement, and all the more so because James wrote this strong warning to believers!!</p><p>Ellen pointed out that just because the Spirit of Christ indwells us, does not guarantee that we'll be surrendered to Him and subject to His controlling influence. He does not force Himself upon us, but rather waits for us to call upon Him. {Sometimes I wish that were the other way around!!}</p><p>When she asked me what I was hearing from what she said, as she often does, I said that it made me think of a thermostat {thus the title - a thermostat for our inner emotional hearts is a heart-ostat, right?}.</p><p>To further tease out the analogy I was thinking of, Paraclete is like a thermostat because unless I tap into Him, He doesn't regulate my emotional climate. But when I do turn toward Him and ask for help {setting the thermostat}, He is so very capable of controlling the entire HVAC system of my heart.</p><p>People without Christ's Spirit indwelling them don't have that heart-ostat available to them. They may be able to regulate their own emotions somewhat, but nothing can replace the divine regulation that is available to believers in whom the Holy Spirit resides.</p><p>When I choose to allow Paraclete to regulate the expression of my emotions, it's not just about me! It's also a witness to the watching spiritual hosts, and quite probably also a witness to people around me too. I don't want to be someone who stuffs all my emotions OR blows them all out of proportion. I need Him in me, the hope of glory, that HIS power may show forth in and through my weaknesses!</p><p>So, that's what I have to share tonight. Thanks for reading and caring! :)</p>Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-26278537880221353102022-02-23T17:42:00.001-08:002022-02-23T17:42:26.049-08:00Beginning a Gratitude List<p>This song has been stuck re-echoing through my head the past several days, ever since I heard Brandon & Maverick City Music perform it live last Saturday at Life Surge (a "pep rally for Christians" as my mom termed it :)).</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dQdfs5S6jyA" width="320" youtube-src-id="dQdfs5S6jyA"></iframe></div><br /><p>To be honest, it's been a challenging month for me. </p><p>In my previous post, I talked about the positive anniversary of Jan. 25th, 2011. What I left out mentioning was the negative 4th anniversary of <a href="https://bipolar-journey-elc.blogspot.com/2021/03/chapter-1-breakdown-jan-24-2018.html" target="_blank">Jan. 24, 2018</a> the day before. Between that date of my mental breakdown and my departure from Uganda on April 4, I was ..... in limbo I guess. I rarely consciously choose to think about those weeks, because they are still painful memories. But this post is not about that. </p><p>As I was saying, it's been a challenging month. <br />BUT GOD.<br />He continues to work, even in the midst of my brokenness, weakness, and failings.<br />And this song has been calling me to shift my perspective from everything that is wrong to the MANY things I can praise God for.</p><p>"So I'll throw up my hands and praise You again and again."</p><p>Here's the beginnings of a list ... because I need to reinstitute this practice in my life!</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Father God's constant love and grace toward me.</li><li>Our Savior's faithfulness, that He is gentle and lowly and understands us in our weakness from His 33-ish years of experience with temptation.</li><li>Paraclete, using Scripture passages and songs like this to woo back my heart.</li><li>Tom's excellent <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEhlh8S_ncg" target="_blank">sermon</a> on Sunday at CBC, talking about how the indwelling of Paraclete is the guarantee of our inheritance, the assurance of our salvation.</li><li>Life Surge was a really neat event - I had the opportunity to hear Nick Vujicic, Willie Robertson, Priscilla Shirer and other speakers in person. I am definitely glad I went!</li><li>I'm *immensely* grateful for my friends, my coworkers, my mentors, my counselor, my doctor, etc! They both support me in spite of my shortcomings, but also call me not to stay in that place. They shoot straight, not coddling me when what I need is a wakeup call.</li><li>This week, two negative things happened to my car, and my "Dallas grandpa" had to do a repair of an older fender bender in order for my car to hopefully pass inspection. But I'm grateful to one of the deacons from my church for helping me replace a flat tire Monday night, and to the said adoptive grandpa for working on my car for me yesterday.</li><li>On the same note, I'm thankful that the lady whose car I slid into this morning on the way to work is fine and that her car is too. Praying that once she sees that, she won't file anything with my insurance!</li><li>I appreciate the book we've been reading for our CBC Young Adults' Group, <i>Gentle and Lowly</i> which I "just happened" to read this morning before heading to work - and which is helping inform the second bullet point.</li><li>I'm grateful for my newest coworker, who is also a huge encourager and a great hugger!</li><li>Praising God for good sleep recently, that is certainly a blessing!!</li><li>As much as I gripe about my weight loss program internally, I'm thankful for the progress being made in that area.</li><li>That even when we are under spiritual attack, we can fight from a place of victory ALREADY <u><b>won</b></u>!!</li><li>For a fun time talking with my "sister" Sarah about her well-written book that she is sharing with me.</li></ul><div>I could/should think of many many more things .... but for tonight I think that's enough of a starter :)</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><p></p>Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-81775468258212767632022-01-25T04:00:00.003-08:002022-02-24T14:25:55.799-08:00Of Anniversaries and Confession/Renewal<p>I don't know quite where to start - other than with the goodness of God's Grace :)</p><p><br /></p><p>The back story to this post will be on my mental health journey blog, hopefully by mid-March. Then I'll link to it here. But I don't want to wait to celebrate what God is doing in the present.</p><p><br /></p><p>This morning, I woke up around 4 a.m. and didn't fall back asleep. I was expecting this ... I am sharing a special devotional/spiritual object lesson with my coworkers and I really want it to go well!!!</p><p><br /></p><p>But as a result, I made a good choice that it has taken me a long time (too long) to make consistently:</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEij0sykU2JAQM0mLz9a8uLKr4qKt5ZlXSd7ZUf1UsdS2YLU_gHD-yOoQTRNPWEVH6ituaDRvsZw33y3yzvR7Ck5A-RRjEsv5OnKX9guQGAj6It9URtR05g1j6FeFXPPHVHwE42weimNIyTVKFRvwe7y-y_pnHDOKCcM7GJ8AY3aQyAzNIbHfqcyyxJOnQ=s3264" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="2448" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEij0sykU2JAQM0mLz9a8uLKr4qKt5ZlXSd7ZUf1UsdS2YLU_gHD-yOoQTRNPWEVH6ituaDRvsZw33y3yzvR7Ck5A-RRjEsv5OnKX9guQGAj6It9URtR05g1j6FeFXPPHVHwE42weimNIyTVKFRvwe7y-y_pnHDOKCcM7GJ8AY3aQyAzNIbHfqcyyxJOnQ=s320" width="240" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>I read the next paragraph in Colossians 1. I had started the end of October, and had only done it twice since then. Personal devotions and prayer have been a struggle I have not been winning for many months. I've let other things crowd those two critical things out. On Saturday and yesterday evening I admitted this to one of my best friends and to my counselor ... and both of them are actively encouraging me to make a point of getting back into daily, personal relationship with God!!</p><p></p><p><br /></p><p>This morning in Colossians, the verse that most stood out to me was 1:6b - "Since the day you heard and knew the grace of God in truth." That verse is especially poignant to me on today, <a href="http://yearningfor-philippians3-10.blogspot.com/2015/01/when-life-changes-in-moment.html" target="_blank">January 25th</a>. You see, it was 11 years ago today that Paraclete's light of GRACE broke into the cell of legalism where I had chained my heart. Click the link on "January 25th" above to read more about that :)</p><p><br /></p><p>So it was very sweet of God to bring me back to just the paragraph that held that fragment of a verse.</p><p><br /></p><p>I want to believe that God is continually doing a new thing in my life & soul. In some ways, it's been a long three years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and there are still things that I need to surrender back to God and trust Him with & <i>leave it there</i>. I hope and choose to trust that this morning is a baby step back in that direction!!!</p><p><br /></p><p>Also, thanks to all the men who shared in our church service on Sunday at Community Bible Chapel - Paraclete definitely used each of you in working on my heart!!<br /><br /></p>Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-59438956530256059222021-11-01T19:56:00.003-07:002021-11-01T20:06:18.676-07:00BUT GOD.<p>On Thursday, by the help of <a href="http://yearningfor-philippians3-10.blogspot.com/2012/05/celebrating-pentecost.html174776/6199378635194208873" target="_blank">Paraclete</a>, I finally confessed
& repented of the fear & distrust I’ve been harboring toward God for a
few years now. If you’re surprised to hear me admit that, I think I’ve been a “horrifically
‘good’ hypocrite.” If you’re not surprised, consider yourself privileged that I
didn’t try to hide it from you too.</p><p><br /></p><p>The back story that led up to Thurs night will appear on the
blog of my journey with bipolar later … but for now I wanted to leave this here
as a testimony to God’s faithfulness.</p><p><br /></p><p>Because He helped me to finally lift up my eyes from the deep
hurt I was clinging to {the “that” of the 2nd line of the quote}. This is what
I wrote in my journal as I chose with His enabling, helping hand to <i>change
perspective</i>.</p><p><br /></p><p>Sure, work is still hectic. Yes, I still have bipolar. But I’m
done acting like an abused victim! I’m done charading around trying to cover
over a heart full of pain & darkness.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://www.christar.org/butgod" target="_blank">BUT GOD.</a><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, that is NOT what I want to <i>choose</i> to believe
about You.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, those are the lies of the enemy rather than Your
true truth.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>But God,</i> You have <i>promised </i>in Your Word to
work <u>all</u> things for good to those who love You & are called by You.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, I believe I am called and redeemed by Your grace
& mercy, regardless of how much I want to run away.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>But God</i>, please whisper Your truth into my soul; draw
me back into abiding trust & sweet communion in You!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, I don’t want to live this lousy hypocritical life any
more. I am not living with integrity before You!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, I confess this to You.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, cause my eyes to <i>see</i> You <i>as You truly are</i>
and to repent in sackcloth & ashes.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, You ARE the Kintsugi Artist who redeems & restores
that which You did not lightly allow to break.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, my hope & joy are in <i>Jesus Christ</i>, NOT
in my circumstances!*<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But God, <i>YOU are worthy</i>.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">…<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Praise You, Paraclete. </i>Only <i>You</i> could turn something
so big & scary into something so beautiful & sacred!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I declare that I am <i>nothing</i> without You in my life.
You are worthy & I praise You for Your <i>perfect goodness</i>—and I choose
to root my trust back into You. I cannot keep that commitment on my own, But
God, You are <i>exceedingly, abundantly</i> able to equip me with the <i>humility
of surrender</i>. <i>I believe You!</i></p></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><i><o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">*A paraphrase from one of Elizabeth’s prayers in the movie
War Room.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I seek to replow
the ground of my heart & mind. It’s been rutted pretty deeply over the past
3.5-5 years into some negative thought patterns – but NOTHING is impossible for
my God!!!!!<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yesterday, for the first time in about six months, I pulled
my Bible off my shelf for individual, personal Bible study. And it was sweet!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">This morning, I fell back into the rut and didn’t think of
doing that until after I had been at work for a few hours.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">But tomorrow is a new day!! And I serve a patient, faithful
God!!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Um7MYdxrXmA" width="320" youtube-src-id="Um7MYdxrXmA"></iframe></div><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-73860858969764842712021-07-25T20:56:00.009-07:002021-07-25T20:59:13.931-07:00"Look What You've Done"<p>In my car, the radio is pretty much always on to 94.9 KLTY, a local Christian station. It feels like in different seasons there's a song that plays every time I get in the car, even if it's just my 10-minute commute to work.</p><p><br /></p><p>Recently, it's been this song:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ZyfUdwGBjtk" width="320" youtube-src-id="ZyfUdwGBjtk"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Initially, I honestly resented this song a bit. The past three years have been challenging for me spiritually, not something I've usually been willing to rejoice & praise God in. And now, with my upcoming (Lord willing) visit to Uganda, all that heart crud that can usually hide beneath the surface is getting stirred up.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But on my way home from ministry group (church small group) this evening, as I got close to my parents' house where I needed to pick up a couple things, this song played again. And this time, Paraclete showered down grace---and I received the song with a heart of <i>hope</i>. As I listened to this song, I found myself hoping and praying. I found myself begging God, "Please let me see that song be true in my life next month!"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But then I wondered why I felt like I needed to beg God for that and plead with Him to make it come to pass. Isn't that exactly what He desires to do, to heal, to redeem?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And so by grace & in faith I intentionally shifted my prayer---"Lord, give me the humility to receive Your healing!" And I knew I needed to dust this blog off and report on what God is doing, the seed He is planting in my heart of <i>positive change</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><p>It's like the chives & hibiscus plant in my garden here at my new place. Last weekend when I went to plant the small hibiscus shrub I had bought several week before, I first cleared the area of weeds, mostly chives that had been allowed to run wild. Or at least I thought I cleared it!! </p><p><br /></p><p>When I started digging the hole "as deep as and slightly larger than the pot," guess what I found right beneath the surface? A matted, entangled, enmeshed network of chives roots & bulbs. I threw away the top three inches of soil, because I knew I didn't want those roots back in the hole with my poor hibiscus plant!!</p><p><br /></p><p><span face="Roboto, Arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #030303; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><blockquote>The lies I believed They got some roots that run deep
I let em take a hold of my life
I let em take control of my life</blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>The same is true with secreted resentment and bitterness. They're like the chive roots that have already sprung back up all around my hibiscus plant, that parts where I didn't dig those three inches deep to dig them out.</p><p><br /></p><p>But God.</p><p><br /></p><p><span face="Roboto, Arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #030303; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><blockquote>Standing in Your presence Lord
I can feel You diggin' all the roots up
I can feel Ya healin' all my wounds up
All I can say is hallelujah
Look what You've done</blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>It's my hope and prayer that in the next month, as I spend two weeks with my dearly loved Ugandan sisters (towards whom I hold no hard feelings) and the others (some of whom I have struggled to forgive), that God will do just this.</p><p><br /></p><p>Will the process be fun?<br />Probably not always.</p><p><br /></p><p>Will it be worth it?<br />I believe so, definitely.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>Please join me in praying the truths of this song over me in the coming four weeks!!!</b></p><p><b><br /></b></p><p><b><br /></b></p>Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-74079379674007675192021-01-31T09:02:00.006-08:002021-01-31T09:05:32.769-08:00The Joy of the Lord is Your Strength<p> I was up at 3 a.m. this morning, making herbal "Sleep Tea" that I had bought from a friend-of-a-friend, after waking up at 2 and having a fruitless hour of trying to fall back asleep.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0b0LgdvcUVY/YBbKWJ51rkI/AAAAAAAAA2E/q4TYuKICu24RCXGshjC2mCwAeKsR77QqQCLcBGAsYHQ/s755/Screenshot%2B2021-01-31%2B091739.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="755" data-original-width="508" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0b0LgdvcUVY/YBbKWJ51rkI/AAAAAAAAA2E/q4TYuKICu24RCXGshjC2mCwAeKsR77QqQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Screenshot%2B2021-01-31%2B091739.jpg" /></a></div><p></p><p><br /></p><p>I grabbed this mug because of its large size, but seeing what it said reminded me of a post I've been meaning to write!</p><p><br /></p><p>Back on Jan. 19th, I was responsible for leading the daily prayer time at my workplace. I had contacted some of our workers for prayer requests, but only received two responses - not enough to keep us occupied for half an hour.</p><p><br /></p><p>Then I looked at my Verse-a-day calendar on my desk, and it had the verse above -- and so I went with a bit of a longer devotional before the prayer time.</p><p><br /></p><p>So, Nehemiah 8:10 - we all know it, even if we don't know the reference. "The Joy of the Lord is your strength." A positive, encouraging verse, right? Yes, but even more so if you know the context!</p><p><br /></p><p>Anyone out there know the context of this verse?</p><p><br /></p><p>Anyone?</p><p><br /></p><p>{There was silence when I asked this question in the devotional time.}</p><p><br /></p><p>So I took us back to the context, something I had noticed a few years ago (probably when I was reading through Nehemiah!) and that has stuck with me every time I've seen or heard that verse since.</p><p><br /></p><p>After Nehemiah and company had rebuilt the wall of Jerusalem, there came a day when Ezra read the law to the people from morning until midday, with other priests there to explain the meaning (Neh. 8:1-7).</p><p><br /></p><p>Nehemiah continues: </p><p></p><p> </p><blockquote>"They read from the book, from the Law of God, clearly, and they gave the sense, so that the people understood the reading. And Nehemiah, who was the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, 'This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn or weep.' For all the people wept as they heard the words of the Law" (8:8-9).</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><p>I don't know about for you, but this doesn't seem to me like the context for a go-to voice on Joy!</p><p><br /></p><p>But that's not all - look at the majority of verse 10, the part that never gets quoted: </p><p></p><p> </p><blockquote>"Then he said to them, 'Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. <b>And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength</b>'" (Neh. 8:10).</blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>Nehemiah and Ezra shared this line with a people who were grieving over the ways they had fallen short of what the law required!!</p><p><br /></p><p>As New Covenant believers, we are no longer under the same set of laws and demands that the Israelites were. But what can we learn from their example?<br /></p><p><br /></p><p>I think too often we use this verse as a band aid or a somewhat trite expression to try and encourage someone. But what if, to really help our friends, we urged them to acknowledge and confess the ways they have fallen short, and then to find new strength in the joy of God’s forgiveness? What if we made confession like the Israelite's a regular practice among ourselves?</p><p><br /></p><p>Then I walked through the definitions of 'confession,' from good ol' dictionary.com:</p><p><i>noun</i></p><p></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>acknowledgment; avowal; admission: a confession of incompetence.</li><li>acknowledgment or disclosure of sin or sinfulness, especially to a priest to obtain absolution.</li><li>something that is confessed.</li><li>a formal, usually written, acknowledgment of guilt by a person accused of a crime.</li><li>Also called confession of faith: a formal profession of belief and acceptance of doctrines, as before being admitted to church membership.</li></ol><div><br /></div><div>As a Protestant, I don't believe that confession to a priest is necessary to obtain absolution. And, I had forgotten about the positive sense of confession, indicated in the 5th point.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I then read the following prayer of confession from a church in Indiana, a combination of two separate ones the pastor had shared on the church's blog:</div><div><p> </p><blockquote>"Holy and merciful God, in your presence we confess our sinfulness, our shortcomings, and our offenses against you. You alone know how often we have sinned in wandering from your ways, in wasting your gifts, in forgetting your love. Have mercy on us, O Lord, for we are ashamed and sorry for all we have done to displease you. Cleanse us from all our offenses, and deliver us from proud thoughts and vain desires. With lowliness and meekness may we draw near to you, confessing our faults, confiding in your grace, and finding in you our refuge and strength; through Jesus Christ your Son. Amen."</blockquote></div><div><br /></div><div>And then I just opened up the floor for a couple people to pray their own personal prayers of confession, and then we launched into praying for a couple of our workers.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>So, thanks for reading!! This is something that has been meaningful to me--as I said, for a couple years--and having thought through it a little more concretely recently, I wanted to share it on here!</div><div><br /></div><p></p>Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-79749021332628579602019-05-03T14:27:00.000-07:002019-05-03T14:27:48.846-07:00Resentment & Repentance<br />
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I don’t know exactly how this post is going to come
out…….I’m still in the messiness of processing this, and writing is usually my
best way of processing. So here goes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It was a couple weeks ago, the day I read Luke 15 in
preparation for Bible Study that evening, and thinking about what I wrote in my
previous blog post. I went out for a walk with the baby I’m nannying, and it
wasn’t long before Paraclete walloped me on the side of the head with it:
You’ve been acting a lot like the older son this past year.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And it’s true. There have been various moments in the past year+
when I’ve internally cried out the questions to God…“I was doing what I thought
You called me to do. What happened?? What more do You want from me? Why did You
take it all away? I don’t deserve…”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Do you hear the voice of the elder son there? ‘All these
years I have served you, and you never even gave me a small party.’ As if
service and outward obedience earn the right to demand fair recompense.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Part of me wishes we knew more of this story—how long had
the elder son harbored such bitterness and resentment in his heart? How did he
respond to his father after this? Did he stay the same, hard and unforgiving?
Or did he repent?<o:p></o:p></div>
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But Jesus had evidently done what He intended with the story
as is.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We know that His hearers at the time, the Pharisees, didn’t
take to heart the application of the story. They didn’t change their attitude –
they still hated Jesus for what He claimed and preached, and they still ended
up killing Him as their attempted solution.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But what about someone like me, who never set out to harbor
resentment and feelings of injustice towards God? Someone who comes to see the
folly and selfishness of such a heart attitude? What am I to do to change and
not be like that anymore?<o:p></o:p></div>
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I think the answer to that question actually takes us back
to the other two parables in Luke 15, which each follow a very similar pattern.
Something is lost, the owner searches and finds it, a celebration ensues, and
the parables end with the statement “I say to you, there is joy in the presence
of the angels of God over one sinner who repents” (vs. 10, vs. 7 is similar). <o:p></o:p></div>
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But really, what did a sheep and a coin do to repent? What
could they do? They don’t even have enough sense to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">try</b> to be found. It was all up to the owner to find what was lost,
and yet the final verse compares them to a repentant sinner.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Maybe repentance has a lot less to do with me and my ability
to return to God than I would like to think.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So how should I respond when the Holy Spirit points out
something like this?<o:p></o:p></div>
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I guess the first step would be to confess it—to agree with
God that what He said is true. And then to repent of it—to trust God for the
grace and strength to stop resenting Him for what I don’t have and instead
believe His promises of all the good things He has given me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Easy to say, hard for my prideful flesh to be willing to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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At the root of such bitterness as the elder brother showed
is belief in a falsehood: That I deserve commendation and reward for my good
behavior. What is the truth about every single one of us? What do we truly
deserve? Only God’s condemnation and punishment for our sins against a
perfectly righteous God. All else is only by grace.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I want and expect promises of comfort and ease—but that’s
not what Christ gave. He promised that we would have trouble in this life (John
16:33), and yet in the same breath He promised His peace. So why do I try to
stiff arm the challenges? In so doing, I also reject the lessons God has for me
in those experiences.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Can I learn and choose instead to embrace whatever He has
for me, knowing that He is a good Father and so whatever He sends must also be
for my good? Not a journey that my heart has made much progress on….though I
know and believe it to be true.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Like I said – I’m still in the midst of processing this. I
don’t have the application all neatly packaged up and ready to be implemented….Lord
help me to have the humility to submit to You and repent!<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-92118260875463180942019-04-24T13:38:00.000-07:002019-05-01T13:41:15.229-07:00The Elder Brother<br />
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Once upon a time, there was a man with two sons. The older
son was dutifully obedient, but the younger son was willful and independent.
One day, the younger son grew tired of living in his father’s home. After
demanding his share of the family inheritance, he went away to a far country.<o:p></o:p></div>
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There he lived extravagantly for a time….until the money ran
out. Then down to the depths he plunged, the depths of feeding pigs. Here he
realized his folly and thought out a plan: to return and ask to serve his father
as a servant.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As he neared home, his father came running to meet him.
There was no criticism or judgment, only love and acceptance. A great party was
quickly prepared to celebrate the son’s homecoming.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When the older brother came in after a long day in the
fields, the festivities caught him by surprise. On finding out the reason, he
utterly refused to join in. The father left the party to plead with him—but the
son angrily responded,<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I’ve been serving you for years, never breaking a single
command. But you never gave me even a little party with my friends. Then this
rascal shows back up, having wasted everything you gave him, and you pull out
all the stops—for him!”</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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The father answered, <o:p></o:p></div>
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“You are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It
was right to rejoice at the homecoming of one who we thought was dead!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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How did the older son respond? What happened next? We don’t
know for sure, because that’s where Jesus ended His parable of the Lost Son in
Luke 15.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve been thinking about this parable the past few days,
because a Bible study group I am part of looked at Luke 15 last Thursday.
Reading the chapter, listening to a children’s version of the story, and
discussing it with the group recalled to my mind another study I had taken part
in, years ago. <o:p></o:p></div>
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That book/video series was Tim Keller’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Prodigal God</i>. It’s been so long since the latter study, but
some of the concepts have really stuck with me. I will try to specify which
points I know come from Keller’s book – and hopefully I won’t miss any!<o:p></o:p></div>
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But my focus isn’t on what Keller shared about the story—as
good as that was. My focus is on the personal application…for me, in this
season.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As Keller points out, there’s not just one son in this
story: there are two. A lot of the attention of the story and the readers is
usually on the younger son, the prodigal* who returns home. But after his
interrupted speech in verse 21, the younger son fades into the background of
the story and a new dynamic takes center stage.<o:p></o:p></div>
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See, the older son was the ‘good kid’….or was he really? His
response to the father in verses 29-30 reveals a heart that while outwardly
obedient was inwardly resentful and even hateful. Some of us can easily see
ourselves in the beginning of the story—a child living recklessly and
thoughtlessly, who only later comes to his senses. But how many of us are
willing to own up to the times we’ve been like the older son: self-righteous
and angry that we don’t get what we “deserve”. {I believe one person can go
through seasons of being either one of these.}<o:p></o:p></div>
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Keller argues that this story represented both of the groups
of people Jesus was addressing (tax collectors & sinners vs. Pharisees
& scribes – see vs. 1-2). The first group were like the younger son, and
the elder son pictured the second group. Working hard to earn God’s favor and
blessings. Angry that some people would just waltz in and get it regardless of
the bad things they had done. Feeling like they deserved success and
recognition for their stellar behavior.<o:p></o:p></div>
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[Well, it’s a week later and I’m just wrapping this up and
finally posting it. I’ll do a separate post with the more personal
application.]<o:p></o:p></div>
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*One of Keller’s excellent reminders is the original meaning
of the word ‘prodigal,’ referring to extravagance (see verse 13). The way I
typically think of this word (as a person who got off track) is because of this
story—it’s changed the use of the word. Thus Keller’s title, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Prodigal </i>[Extravagant]<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> God</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-25268144122371298312019-04-02T06:15:00.000-07:002019-04-02T06:15:49.790-07:00Joy Doesn't Come from Smooth Sailing<br />
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I’m in a weekly study of joy, just going through the Bible
looking at each mention of the word and studying/reflecting on the context of
the rest of the chapter. I’ve definitely been enjoying this time with a couple
other ladies from my church!<o:p></o:p></div>
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This past Saturday we looked into Psalm 105. The mention of
joy is near the end of the chapter, but the verses before definitely lead up to
it. So here are my reflective notes on Psalm 105….<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:1-6 – The call/application: To be in relationship with
God! Speaking to Him and speaking about Him to others. Seeking Him out, and
remembering His marvelous works. And thus the rest of the Psalm!<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:7-12 – God’s character, specifically focused on the
promise He made and His commitment to keeping it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:13-15 – Historical overview: God’s protective hand over
His people—not allowing the kings of the nations to harm them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:16-22 – Joseph—tested by the LORD until the time was
right for him to take charge.<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:23-25 – Israel’s time in Egypt—numbers increased, but so
did hatred of them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:26-36 – The plagues sent against Egypt, to compel them
to let God’s people go.<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:37-41 – God’s provision for His people during the Exodus—booty,
a cloud/fire protection, food, and water.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Why all of this? Verse 42 points back to verse 8—God had
made a promise to Abraham, and He remembered it!<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:43 – Thus “He brought out His people with joy, His
chosen ones with gladness.” It took <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">centuries</i>
of time and apparent setbacks before the right time came for God’s plan and
purposes to be fulfilled. Joseph didn’t feel joy when he was sold into slavery,
but that was a step in the joyful Exodus. Four hundred years of Israelite
slaves didn’t experience the joy of release—but their descendants did.<o:p></o:p></div>
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105:44-45 – God did all that so His people would receive the
land of the Gentiles and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">keep His law
there</i> [which they did NOT do very well!]. <o:p></o:p></div>
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This chapter was a good reminder for me this week. Tomorrow marks
a year since I left Uganda, and that anniversary could get me stuck in grieving
what I miss and what I lost last year. But this chapter is a reminder to me
that God doesn’t just work joyful things through the good times. No, He is
working out His plan in ALL things, no matter how hard/bad they look or feel to
us at the time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I find it interesting that, unlike a sermon, this Psalmist started
off with the application. Verse 1-6 are full of commands: to sing, to glory in
His name, to <a href="https://philosophical-esther.blogspot.com/2018/10/to-remember-or-to-forget.html" target="_blank">remember His wondrous works</a>. And
yes, sometimes that includes remembering the hard times, as this Psalm does—but
to do so with eyes focused on the ways that God fulfills His promises and redeems
the suffering into joy!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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So that’s my goal for tomorrow and this week: to remember
His faithfulness and the joy that He works out through the suffering and the
scars.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-171968107379126062019-02-08T08:00:00.000-08:002019-02-08T08:00:42.958-08:00The Fruit of SufferingA friend and I hung out for several hours on Wednesday afternoon. It was a fun time, but we also talked some about heart-level things. One of the verses she reminded me of was the one about Christ's promise to follow suffering with restoration.<br />
<br />
Yesterday and today, I have been wrestling with my emotions yet again. I'm still not sleeping the best, waking up around 3 each morning and unable to fall back asleep. After two weeks of this, it is beginning to take a toll emotionally. And yesterday, a praying, supportive, encouraging friend from church finished her earthly race. She was ready to go, but I am still grieving our loss--which of course is heaven's gain!<br />
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All that to say, I needed this passage this morning. And I wanted to share it in case it encourages anyone else too.<br />
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1 Peter 5:5-11 - Submit to God, Resist the Devil<br />
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5:5 The calling for each of us is to humbly submit to one another. The motivation is that God gives grace to the humble!<br />
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5:6-7 So we should humble ourselves under God's hand & cast all our cares on Him--that He may exalt us at the proper time.<br />
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5:8 A strong warning: we most definitely do have an adversary, who is out to get us & <i>devour</i> us. So we must be sober (self-controlled) & vigilant (watchful), looking out for his traps.<br />
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5:9 <i>Resist him!!!</i> How? By <i>FAITH</i>! Knowing that I am <i>not alone</i> in experiencing the sufferings of temptation...my brothers and sisters throughout the world face the same.<br />
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5:10 The God of all <i>grace</i> is the answer! He called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus! Yes, He allows us to suffer for a while. <i>BUT</i>, He <u>promises</u> to <i>perfect</i> (restore), <i>establish</i> (confirm), <i>strengthen</i>, and <i>settle </i>(establish) us.<br />
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5:11 Yes, Lord, to You be all glory and all dominion, <i>forever and ever!</i><br />
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I wanted to look a little more at those four words of promise in verse 10, so I checked them out using the Strong's numbers on Biblehub.com.<br />
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<i>perfect</i> - #2675, which means <i>to complete</i> or <i>prepare</i>. It implies doing an action to something to "bring into its proper condition (whether for the first time, or after a lapse)." The same Greek word is the one used in Matthew 4:21, when James and John were mending their father's nets.<br />
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<i>establish</i> - #4741, which means <i>to make fast</i>. It implies buttressing, propping up, or supporting something. This is the Greek word used of Jesus in Luke 9:51 when He set His face towards Jerusalem.<br />
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<i>strengthen</i> - #4599, which basically just has the one meaning. But it also implies a strengthening that still allows for mobility "i.e. able to move in a way that <i>achieves </i>something in the <i>most effective way</i>." Interestingly, 1 Peter 5:10 is the only use of this Greek word!<br />
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<i>settle</i> - #2311, which means <i>to lay the foundation of</i>. Two other usages of the Greek word bear mentioning here: Matthew 7:25 (the house that did not fall because it was <i>founded</i> on the rock), and Ephesians 3:17 (Paul's prayer that the believers would be <i>grounded</i> in love).<br />
<i><br /></i>
These words are the promised fruit of our enduring the suffering of temptation by the enemy. Because no matter what I face from our adversary, God is greater, and--spoiler alert--He wins!!Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-33491763953097765022019-01-16T07:01:00.000-08:002019-01-16T07:01:03.514-08:00Praising God, Even in Trials<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The past week has
brought yet another change, an unexpected turn. On Monday morning, facing what
had rather suddenly become my last day to go into the Lahash office, Paraclete
gave me a couple words that I knew must be a Bible verse—about God not letting
our feet be moved. A quick concordance search later, I found it in Psalm 66:9. That
branched out into a three-day study of the whole chapter. Here are my thoughts
on it :)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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66:1 “Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:2 “Sing out the honor of His name; Make His praise
glorious.” I need these reminders today!!! I do praise You, Abba, and I pray
for the humility to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">praise You</i> even
in the midst of challenges.<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:3 God’s works <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i>
awesome, and even His enemies shall submit to Him!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:4 <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">All</i> the earth—that
is phenomenal really!!! That there would be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">global</i>
praise! The whole world can’t agree on anything else!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:5 “Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His
doing toward the sons of men.” Amen, I know that is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">so true</i> even though it doesn’t always feel good.<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:6 An example of God’s mighty deeds—not only once but
twice turning water into dry land—worthy of praise!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:7 God’s power rules, and He sees all the nations! So the rebellious
should not exalt themselves!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:8-9 “Oh bless our God, you peoples! And make the voice of
His praise to be heard, Who keeps our soul among the living, and does not allow
our feet to be moved.” Our call is to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bless
God</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">praise Him</i>! He keeps our
soul among the living (amen to that!!!) and does not allow our feet to be moved….or
to slip! I do praise You, O Lord, for Your amazing graciousness to me!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:10 But the reason seems counterintuitive….an abrupt turn:
Because God has tested us and refined us! Which means being <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">liquified</i> by <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>hot</u></i> temperatures! Ouch, but I don’t like the truth of that
verse!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:11-12a gets even worse. These do NOT sound like things to
praise & bless God for—God bringing affliction on us??? Oh man! Going
through fire & water, I can certainly understand that feeling. But praise
& blessing is exactly what the Psalmist is calling us to!!! Oh help me,
Lord, to have that heart of submission!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:12b “But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.” BUT
GOD!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:13-15 Bringing offerings to God’s house, paying Him our
<a href="https://philosophical-esther.blogspot.com/2018/11/my-new-covenant-vow.html" target="_blank">vows</a> (promised deeds). </div>
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66:16-17 Please God, bring these verses to fulfillment in my
heart & life!!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:18 If <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">[when]</i> I
regard iniquity, God won’t hear.<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:19 “But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to
the voice of my prayer.” I praise You, O God, for this truth!<o:p></o:p></div>
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66:20 “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blessed be God</i>,
Who has not turned away my prayer, Nor His mercy from me!” So so so so very
true!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-17372500550499300322019-01-04T15:10:00.000-08:002019-01-04T15:11:05.166-08:00A Short Study in Peace<br />
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Last night, I had a vague feeling trying to settle over my
soul. The cloud of depression was trying to make a comeback after a week of
doing really well mood-wise. This time, I was determined to fight it. I told
God, “I don’t trust myself. But I do trust You. Please lead me & guide me
in this fight.” And He has and I believe He will continue to do so!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yesterday the verse He brought to mind was “You will keep him
in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">he trusts in You</i>” (Isaiah 26:3, emphasis mine).<o:p></o:p></div>
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So this morning, still feeling a bit apprehensive, I decided
to spend my quiet time looking at some verses about peace. {All italics are my
own emphasis.}<o:p></o:p></div>
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Jesus’ comments about that in His valedictory address (John
13-17) immediately came to mind:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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John 14:27 – “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to
you; not as the world gives do I give to you. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.</i>” Yes
Lord, Yes! Please let Your peace rule in my heart!<o:p></o:p></div>
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John 16:33 – “These things I have spoken to you, that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in Me</i> you may have peace. In the world
you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will have</i> tribulation, but be of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">good cheer, I</i> have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">overcome</i> the world”!!! We don’t have peace in ourselves or in our
circumstances—we have peace<a href="https://yearningfor-philippians3-10.blogspot.com/2018/07/being-in-christ.html" target="_blank"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in Christ</i></a>. Amen!!! Jesus <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never</i> promised
an easy/comfortable life—He actually promised trouble. But He <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">also</i> promised peace.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next I thought of a verse about peace passing understanding.
I had to use a concordance to find it, as it wasn’t in Ephesians like I
initially thought.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Philippians 4:6-7 – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Don’t
be anxious!!</i> Make your requests known to God, by praying <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with thanksgiving</i>. “And the peace of
God, which surpasses all understanding, will <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">guard</i> your hearts and minds <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">through
Christ Jesus.</i>” And then of course that is followed by vs. 8, all about
meditating on the things that are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">true</i>
and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">noble</i>!!! Verse 9 is the command
to the Philippians to follow Paul’s example, and then the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">God of peace</i> will be with them!<o:p></o:p></div>
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I then pulled out a little notebook taking note of some various
key words and tracing them through Scripture. Under the Psalms section, I found
a couple relevant ones:<o:p></o:p></div>
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Psalm 4:8 – “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You alone</i>, O Lord, make me dwell in
safety.” As someone who has struggled off and on with insomnia in the past year,
sometimes severely, this verse is especially meaningful!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Psalm 55:18 – “He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle
that was against me, for there were many against me.” As I have before, I think
You, O Lord, that my enemies are not and have not been the people around me.
They care about me and want my best! But I believe that there are enemies in
the spiritual realm who would love <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothing</i>
more than to get me down and discouraged again. BUT GOD!!! You are <a href="https://yearningfor-philippians3-10.blogspot.com/2014/12/haggoel.html" target="_blank">Haggo'el, myRedeemer,</a> and I praise You!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Coming full circle, I went back to the verse that had
started me on this little journey:<o:p></o:p></div>
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Isaiah 26:3 – Please, Lord, strengthen again my trust in You
in the coming days and weeks! As my pastor’s wife said at breakfast yesterday,
please help me to send off my team with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">grace</i>
and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">joy</i>. And help me to give You all
the glory for that—for I know that in myself I cannot do that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Peace</i> is NOT the
absence of trouble, but rather the fruit of trusting God in the midst of it.</div>
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Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-55069503335041302682018-11-29T07:34:00.000-08:002018-11-29T07:34:36.393-08:00Broken Cisterns or The Spring<br />
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Caveat: This is something I’m in the process of learning….I
don’t really know yet what it looks like to practice applying it! So I write this not
because I have all the answers, but because I’m on the journey of discovery.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Recently, I had a heart-to-heart talk with one of my
sister-friends. As I was prayer-journaling for her afterwards, part of a verse
about broken cisterns came to mind…and I saw how it possibly related to her
situation, but how it definitely related to mine. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I didn’t look the verse up to read the whole thing right away. I should
have!!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Instead, I started writing about the process of repairing a
leaking cistern—something I experienced at my house in Kasana, Uganda earlier this
year. How the muck from years of use has to be cleaned out. How pick axes have
to hammer away at the old cement coating for hours and hours, causing
brokenness before the resurfacing can be done. How even after the repair work
is finished, the cement has to cure for a couple days before the pipes can be
reconnected for the cistern to start refilling. And how God has to send the
rain.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I thought it was a great analogy that I wanted to share with
all of you.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But then, the next morning when insomnia awakened me before
dawn, I pulled my Bible off the shelf and opened to the actual passage. I read
the whole chapter, but one verse is where I focused:<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“For My people have committed two evils:<br />They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters,<br />And hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold
no water.” Jeremiah 2:13</blockquote>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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The problem is TWO-fold. It’s not just that the people are trying
to rely on broken cisterns that can’t hold water. It is ALSO that they forsook
God’s spring as the source that they SHOULD be relying on!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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And so the real call here isn’t to put in the work and
effort to repair the broken cistern, like I had thought it was the night
before.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The call is to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">return
to HIM</b>!!! See Jeremiah 3:1b:<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“‘But you have played the harlot with many lovers;<br />Yet return to Me,’ says the Lord.”</blockquote>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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As I wrote in my quiet time journal, “The call is to leave
behind the cistern method [completely] and tap into a spring!!!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://yearningfor-philippians3-10.blogspot.com/2012/05/celebrating-pentecost.html" target="_blank">Paraclete</a> reminded me of a couple passages from John
where Jesus talked about a similar idea.<o:p></o:p></div>
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John 4:10 & 14 for one, of course! Jesus tells the
Samaritan woman that He could give her living water, springing up into everlasting
life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And then John 7:37-39: The call for thirsty people to come
to Jesus, that He would make their hearts flow with rivers of living water. Not
the often nasty water from cisterns that isn’t safe to drink or cook with,
because frogs and snakes and who knows what else have lived and died in it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As I wrote, “The new covenant ain’t about repairing our
broken cisterns!!! It’s about changing our water source <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">completely</i>. And John’s commentary on Jesus’ declaration is
important: vs. 39—the promised river of living water is the Spirit of God—it’s
a Person! Who indwells us and reminds and teaches us!!!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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That was all several days ago. What brought it back to mind
and spurred me on to blog about it was last night at the church accountability group
I’m part of. I can’t share about what was shared in the group, for
confidentiality reasons. But as I was praying in the car on the drive home,
Paraclete brought this concept back to mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Any time I am looking
to counseling or therapy or a book or medication or anything else physically external
to fix me, I’m trying to resurface my broken cistern and missing the real point.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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That’s been a growing realization ever since I joined this
group back in September. I’m not saying that ANY of those things I listed above
are categorically bad. I am taking part in all of them, as I seek continued
mental health/healing. BUT! If my faith is in any one of those things, or even
in all of them collectively, that is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">misplaced</b>
faith.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I believe that every one of those things can be powerful and
needed tools, like tools for gold working or surgical instruments. But it is
GOD who is the great Craftsman/Surgeon—it is HE who must be the force behind
doing the refining/healing work. And I must actively choose to surrender to Him
and to yield myself to the process—and yet also to take part and be involved in
it. God must do the work, but I must choose to practice applying what I’m
learning.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Praying in the car last night, I just thanked Jesus for His
amazing patience with me. Because I am such a slow learner!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where relationships with other
believers falls. I guess that it IS still a “mere” tool—but I think it is part
of a trifecta of the most powerful tools: Bible reading/study/meditation, intentional/conversational
prayer, and Spirit-led conversations with believers.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Because on Saturday, when I had spent the whole morning home
alone, spiraling down into a depressed state faster than a coin in the final stage
of a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hayvSnT4n9Q" target="_blank">coin tornado</a>,
it wasn’t prayer or Bible reading that pulled me out of it. {I was trying to
try those things, and they weren’t stopping the mental circles of self-talk.} It
was my host mom coming home, seeing my distress, grabbing me in a hug, and
praying for me. It was Lahash’s director and his wife coming over and spending
a couple hours listening to me share my struggle and praying for me. It was
talking to my accountability partner on the phone, sharing with her and
listening to her share with me. It was talking to my parents, also on the
phone, and sharing with them too.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Well….I didn’t know my blog post about cisterns vs. The Spring
was going to include those last two paragraphs too! But there they are :)<o:p></o:p></div>
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And honestly I’m out of words now. Except for this: Please
join me in praying for myself—and maybe for yourself too—that God will teach me
how to put this idea of changing the water source I rely on into practice. And
that I will do that hard work!!! Because it’s ME, making those moment-by-moment
decisions, that can change my life. OF COURSE, I cannot do that in my own
strength. It has to be Paraclete motivating and enabling me—just as John said
in 7:39, it is HE (the Spirit) who is the river of living water! <o:p></o:p></div>
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So here’s to practicing living out the tension/balance of
Philippians 2:12-13:<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in
my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation
with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do
for His good pleasure.”</blockquote>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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May it ever be true of us.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-1633164053220717152018-10-27T21:54:00.000-07:002018-10-27T22:52:09.129-07:00The Love Circle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<i>The first part of this
is something I initially journaled during my commute to work a couple weeks ago.
The latter part fell into place this morning during my extended reflective time
with God.</i><br />
<br />
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“Esther, let Me love you.”</div>
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Those words from our Triune God have been re-echoing again
and again in my mind since my birthday evening. And Paraclete {my favorite name
for the Holy Spirit} has been helping me realize that, in a way, I don’t even
know how to receive His unconditional love.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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So it’s been something I have been praying/meditating about
some. This morning it came back to mind again as I was in my prayer closet, trying
not to fixate on a request I had read that morning via email. Paraclete took me
back, once again, to Jesus’ Valedictory Address {John 13-17} and 1 John.<o:p></o:p></div>
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John 15:9-10 came to mind:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My
love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My life, just as I have
kept my Father’s commandments and abide in His love.”</blockquote>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
I found myself wishing very much that Jesus hadn’t put that
conditional statement in there!!! Because that’s what ends up becoming a trap
to me, again & again & again—trying to feel like I have earned or
deserve God’s love based on what I DO. It so easily becomes a point of pride
and/or legalism. But there’s another critically important part of that verse! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Just as….”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
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Jesus’ example and His obedience of the Father are to be our
model! And He doesn’t obey out of fear or because He is trying to earn God’s
love. Jesus obeys because He is in perfect relationship with the Father and
because of all the concepts we read about in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ministry in the Image of God: The Trinitarian Shape of Christian
Service</i>! {The first book we read here as part of the Servant Teams
curriculum – somewhat dense, but really good with lots of practical application
too!}<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s like the heptapod language—all an interwoven circle.* <o:p></o:p></div>
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So Jesus obeys the Father because He loves Him and because
They are eternally in perfect relationship {with Paraclete too, of course!!}.
So love should be the driving force of our obedience, not fear & torment (1
John 4:18). But why do we love God? The very next verse tells us—because He
first loved us (4:19)! And also 4:10—He showed His love for us by sending Jesus
to be our propitiation (the conciliation, the act of making God favorably
inclined, appeasing Him).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Abba’s love came to me through the death and sacrifice of
Jesus. In my prayer closet this morning, Paraclete showed me that when I’m
trying to earn/prove myself worthy of God’s love—by serving, going overseas,
etc. etc.—I am acting like Jesus’ love & sacrifice were not sufficient…I am
minimalizing the greatest act in all of history and acting like my filthy rags
of righteous deeds (Isaiah 64:6) are better.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh Abba, forgive me for that egregious misconstrued view!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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So we abide in God’s love by keeping His commandments out of
a heart of love for Him, because He first loved us and reconciled us to
Himself. See how it’s like a heptapod* circle??!!! Love is the goal, the means,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> the catalyst!<o:p></o:p></div>
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And it’s all about You, Abba—it’s not about me or anything I
could ever do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Abba, I don’t know how to practice and apply this! But I
know it is foundational and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">critically</i>
important—I know it’s a game changer if this lesson could sink deep into my
heart and become my driving force! Again in my prayer closet, Paraclete
reminded me that I can’t give what I haven’t received….<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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{And at that point I arrived at my destination!}<o:p></o:p></div>
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About a month ago, I joined a small accountability group at
a local church here. We are going through a book called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Genesis Process</i> together. It’s focused on helping people deal
with the root causes behind addictions or other self-destructive coping
behaviors. It keeps on bringing me back to this idea:<o:p></o:p><br />
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And then this morning I started working on the fourth process, and this is how it began:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
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I definitely learned this lesson the hard way in August
2016. That month, two men who were serving as leaders in both the organization
and the church each had to resign because of moral shortcomings. The first one
was an especially hard blow to me, as I had been welcomed into his home many times
by him and his wife.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember crying in the staff meeting when his resignation
was announced. And then I went home and sat on the floor of my room and sobbed
for probably around 10 minutes. Grieving the brokenness of sin. Grieving the
pain I was sure his wife was going through. Grieving my own hurt too. Fighting
feelings of a guilt too complex to explain without sharing details of other
peoples’ stories.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That day I was so tempted to make a vow of sorts—a vow never
again to get so close to another family that I would open myself up to that
kind of pain. A vow never to trust and admire someone as I had allowed myself
to do with him—because such Christian familial love had wounded me deeply.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I thank God that I stopped myself from making that decision.
I knew it was the wrong decision—a decision that would let the enemy win. And
so I continued to grow in relationship with many other sisters and couples. But
that wound still aches when I think of it. I think I allowed that and other
things which began developing around the same time to plant a seed of
hopelessness in my heart. I did my best to process and forgive….but somehow I
think I closed off a little cupboard of bitterness inside my soul.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fast forward back to today. Later in the morning, as I was
outside processing through some other stuff, my mind made its way back to what
I had read in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Genesis Process</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wrote:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love & wounding—both are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> two-way streets. Except for with God. He is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the only One</i> who loves perfectly and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never</i> wounds unjustly—with the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">one, </i>all-important exception of Jesus on
the cross.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In a strange, miraculous way that only God could plan, that
moment in human history was both the most unjust (towards Jesus, who had done <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothing</i> wrong), and yet also the most
merciful & gracious & loving towards us—we who had broken all the
relationships, who have done <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all</i> the
wounding, who deserve nothing but eternal judgment and yet receive nothing but
unconditional love. Such beauty & brokenness at the same time!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now a few hours later, those words bring to mind Hebrews
12:1-3:<br />
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a
cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily
ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking
unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set
before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the
right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility
from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your
souls.”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And so I choose to continue opening myself up to love and,
yes, even to the risk of human woundedness, because in so doing I am following
in the footsteps of the most truly Human person who ever lived—our Savior,
Jesus Christ. May His love in and through me glorify and magnify HIS beauty!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*To fully understand this analogy, you have to watch <i>Arrival</i> – it’s an alien film, but I
found it to have deep theological undertones looking at it from a Biblical worldview!
But to semi-explain the circle bit: Basically in that film, the aliens
communicate through a written language made up of circles, with each circle
being a phrase/sentence with multiple words...or something like that! See below
for an example. The circle is formed by smoke from the heptapod's feet, and so
the language is written with foreknowledge of the phrase/sentence as a whole.<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-4979492643965912882018-10-14T20:23:00.000-07:002018-10-14T23:03:05.645-07:00Vulnerability, not Pretense<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The Church is NOT a good works club, it IS a fellowship of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">grace</i>! It’s NOT about what we do—period!
All we have to do is to receive, openly & vulnerably; to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be loved by Jesus</i>. Works-based
Christianity does NOT create sustainable faith!</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
The above paraphrase was the key point of the sermon I heard
this morning—a sermon so good I sat through it twice! (I’m attending church
with my hostess for the next several months, at Oak Hills Presbyterian Church
here on the outskirts of Portland.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Currently, the church is going through a sermon series on
Acts, and this morning’s passage was about 4:32-5:11—the story of the early
Church’s lifestyle of radical giving and the death of Ananias and Saphira.
Jeremy (the pastor here) made the case that, at root, this passage is not
really about money or giving. It’s about a deeper lifestyle choice: Pretense or
Vulnerability.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The generous people, including Barnabas, showed their
vulnerability by giving up their earthly security for the sake of others –
demonstrating that the resurrection of Christ (4:33) had set them free from the
self-protective hoarding of resources. The beneficiaries of this generosity
also had to practice vulnerability, admitting to their church family that they
were facing needs that they couldn’t meet on their own. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The power of Christ created a culture of radical openness
and vulnerability for those who found their identity in HIM, rather than in
trying to project a false image of themselves to others. Ananias and Saphira,
however, made a show of spiritual heroism that was a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lie</i> – and for that they were severely punished….by death!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jeremy talked about the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hypocrite</i>, which comes from the Greek word for actor. In Greek
culture, stage actors would wear masks to show their emotions—happy for a
joyful scene, sad for a tragic scene, etc. With the masks, they projected what
the scene required, while hiding what was really going on underneath.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He concluded his sermon, “the only way to receive grace is
by being open and broken, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">trusting in
God’s grace</i> and being real with one another.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This sermon really struck a chord with me where I am at
spiritually right now. I have so very much to be thankful for, so very much to
praise God for. But this year, and the past several years before, have each been
the successively hardest year of my life. And so I want to share more about
that here than I have so far. Not to illicit pity. Definitely not to brag on
myself (quite the contrary!). But to testify of God’s Grace.</div>
<br />
<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/1TKAN-nAsu8" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God has brought the above song to my mind multiple times in
the past few months. This is who I want to be. Real and raw, yes, but for the purpose of allowing God to shine His Glory through my brokenness.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As those close to me know, most of this year has been an
intense spiritual battle for me. In January I returned to my second home in
Uganda, excited for another term…though also with reservations. Before I could
even get back into my job at the office, I was hit simultaneously with insomnia,
depression, and worse.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For the next six plus months, many days it was a struggle
just to get out of bed. It felt like I was constantly fighting a losing battle
with hopelessness. After two months with little maintainable progress, I
resigned from my position in Uganda, said goodbye to the people who had become
my family there, and returned home to Dallas. I’ve become ok over these past
months with naming depression as one of my struggles. There were also other
struggles I’m still not comfortable naming this publicly.....shame can be a
strong enemy. [No physical or emotional harm was maliciously done to me.]<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Suffice it to say, the fact that I am currently walking in
relationship with God is in itself a testimony to God’s abundant Grace, lavish
Love, and constant Pursuit towards me. He did this using so many amazing people
both in Uganda, Dallas, and other places who didn’t give up on me…who kept
loving me, praying for me, speaking truth to me, and fighting (spiritually) on
my behalf. If I started naming names I couldn’t quit…so I won’t start, except
to say that my parents are at the top of the list. :)<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fact that a month and a half ago I moved half way across
the country, to a place where I personally knew no one; that I am now in an
intense program of learning and serving, and that I am {mostly**} flourishing
here—that is an unimaginable miracle of Christ’s mercy and transforming power.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When people hear about my life since graduation from college
in May of 2013—most of that time spent rooted in the red soil of East Africa—they
can quickly and easily tend to put me on a pedestal. I’m here to tell you
today, I am NO super hero. I am not applying that title to myself—one well-meaning
person has told me that missionaries, me inclusive, are. On the contrary, I am
just as flawed and broken as anyone else….if not more so (in the spirit of Paul,
expressed in 1 Tim. 1:15). Any good that has come of my life is all God’s Grace.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday morning, I spent more than three hours journaling…processing…praying…grieving.
My Good Shepherd has led me on a road that has been full of both the very good and the very hard in these past five years, since I first
knocked on the door labelled “Uganda.” But He has been with me every single
step of the way, both on the sunny mountaintops and in the darkest of valleys.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This year’s breakdown didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s seeds
were sown from my personality and character flaws…from circumstances and
situations which affected me…from my failure to name what I needed and ask for
help (at least not until it was too late, humanly speaking)…from organizational
and personnel challenges. The pressure really started building in August of
2016…so it was a long time coming.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So that’s my practice at being open and vulnerable. And
maybe very few people will take the time to read this. But I process best by
writing, and so hopefully composing this blog post will better free my tongue
in personal dialogue. Please feel free to ask me questions. Christ’s healing of
my heart is finally bringing me to a place of being more willing to speak of
these things. But these previous paragraphs are not the whole story.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here is the “My Story” version:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hope that wouldn't
let go: </b>My Savior never lost a grip on the wheel of my life, even when it
looked to me like it was chaotically spinning out of control. And HE has restored
my hope in Him, in His time and way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Love that never gave
up: </b>These past three weeks, my Lover has been calling my heart to be willing
to receive from Him and from others. Not that I should try to earn or deserve
anything, simply to receive…and THEN to give.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Life, but it wasn't
mine: </b>“Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were
bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which
are God’s” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The grace that is
greater than all my sin: </b>If I spoke of God’s Grace—in loving me and
redeeming me from sin—for every hour of the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have
time to tell it all.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">When justice was
served:</b> But not to me; to the perfect, sinless Son of God. There are times I
want to call “FOUL!” on my life, times I say I wish there had been justice in a
given situation. But that’s only because I fail to remember what true justice
really demands.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Where mercy wins: </b>Every
single day, every breath of my life, is as a result of the mercy of Christ. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The kindness of Jesus
that draws me in:</b> The opposite of what I in myself deserve…but He showers
His kindness instead.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Victory over the
enemy:</b> The victory has already been won!! It’s not my battle to fight—it’s
a gift the Christ already waged the war for, that I am simply to allow HIM to
apply to and live out in my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Freedom that was won
for me:</b> Freedom from fear. Freedom from failure. Freedom to be known and to
know. To be loved and to love. To be served and to serve. Freedom as a gift
from Him, applied by Him, in and through this weak vessel.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Life overcome the
grave: </b>Our Savior is RISEN!!! And that resurrection power is at work in each
and every one of His children!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">This is my story,
this is my song,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Praising my Savior
all the day long.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
One more thing that is finally getting through my thick skull:
There WILL be more challenges in my future. More twists & turns in the
road. More apparently deep, dark valleys. Maybe even tomorrow. But, Lord help
me, when those times come I want to turn more quickly to Your Truth. To root my
confidence deeply in You, not in my comfort or things going my way. To say with
Mary, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to Your
word” (Luke 1:38).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Please join me in praying that for me and, if you dare,
maybe for yourself as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
**Three weeks ago, I heard I had to leave my initial/temporary
housing by the end of September. And that I couldn’t move into the house down
the street—that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> was sure was ideal—because
of a logistical detail. My emotions and insecurities proceeded to throw an internal
hissy fit. A night of zero sleep followed, and for several days the fear and
despair and hopelessness came rolling back over me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I’m so thankful to our team leaders and my team mates for
supporting me through that. And I can now say I’m thankful it happened, because
God used it as a catalyst to push me out of the comfortable coasting (from two
months of almost all great days) and back onto the road of proactive,
intentional healing. Also, in a stroke of divine irony, the new home I moved
to, where I initially didn’t want to be, has been an amazing fit and a real
gift. So I was fighting God, when of course He knew better all along!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-61554005662780295682018-08-22T16:39:00.000-07:002018-08-22T16:39:51.528-07:00Confidence<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Confidence.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is a word that has been coming to my mind a lot the
past week or so. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Usually, thinking about it makes me think of that song from
Sound of Music. You know, the one where a nervous Maria is coming to the Von
Trapp family home for the first time. “I have confidence in confidence alone; Besides
which you see, I have confidence in me!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there’s a pretty big problem with that song. And I have
been experiencing it a lot this year. If my confidence is in myself, I set
myself up for trouble.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As Paul said in Philippians 3:3-4, we should have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no confidence</i> in the flesh, even if
humanly speaking we have lots of good reasons to.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning I did a brief study about what the Bible says
about confidence. And it was both encouraging and convicting! These passages
point to having confidence in Christ and in His work in us, not in ourselves.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here are the passages that my study brought to light. I hope
they encourage you as they do me!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Psalm 118:8 – “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put
confidence in man”—including myself!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1 John 3:21 – Our confidence is toward God, not toward
ourselves.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Proverbs 3:25-26 – “Do not be afraid of sudden terror, nor
of trouble from the wicked when it comes; [<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">when</i>,
not if!] For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from
being caught.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Proverbs 14:16, 26 – The fool is self-confident, but strong
confidence is in the fear of the Lord, a place of refuge to His children.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2 Corinthians 5:5-9 – Our confidence is not in this physical
life, but in our spiritual future with Christ. Our aim is to please HIM!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1 John 2:28 – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Abiding
in Christ</i> gives us confidence!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hebrews 10:32-39 – Don’t allow suffering and hardship to
make you cast away your confidence! Don’t draw back, but continue believing unto
salvation!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ephesians 3:11-13 – Our boldness and confidence come through
faith in Christ!! And that enables us to not lose heart in tribulations.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Philippians 1:6 – Be confident in the work that HE is doing
in you! It is a good work, one that continues up to His completion.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hebrews 3:6, 14 – We are called to hold fast our confidence
to the end!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2 Thessalonians 3:3-4 – The Lord is faithful to establish
and guard us! And so our confidence is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in
Him.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Psalm 27:1, 3 – “The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom
shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?....In
this I will be confident”!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1 John 5:14 – We can have confidence that God hears us when
we ask according to His will.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so I’m asking Him to renew my confidence in Him. That I
would be steadfast and certain, not in my own talents or abilities—but in His
faithfulness and strength. Humbly abiding in Him, not relying in myself.
Because “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence
shall be your strength” (Isaiah 30:15).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-86660930078132344442018-07-28T11:38:00.001-07:002018-07-28T11:39:15.759-07:00Being IN CHRIST<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is something that God has been bringing me back around
to the past several months….and I am finally sitting down to flesh it out and
share it!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It started when the Holy Spirit brought 2 Cor. 5:17 to my
mind:<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things
have passed away, behold all things have become new.”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At first I didn’t really think about the conditional that
starts out the verse…“IF anyone is IN CHRIST.” But when I noticed it I realized
that is the crux! I can’t make myself be renewed or transformed! That is what
the Holy Spirit does in me as I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">rest </i>in
and yield to Him!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I was spiritually chewing on that, the first verse that
came to mind was Phil. 3:9—</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“and be found IN HIM, not having my own
righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith IN
CHRIST, the righteousness which is from God by faith.”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The verse before that gives the context:<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Yet indeed I also count <u>all things</u> loss for the
excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered
the loss of <u>all things</u>, and count them as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">rubbish</i>, that I may gain <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Christ</i>.”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All my achievements, all my striving, all my idols—I am to
count them <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all</i> as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">loss & rubbish</i>, so that I may gain
Christ and be found IN HIM!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So often I fail at that. But the verse that brought this
whole idea back to my mind this morning speaks to that!</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“There is therefore now <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no
condemnation</i> to those who are IN CHRIST JESUS, who do not walk according to
the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” (Rom. 8:1)</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The following three verses speak to the freedom from the law
of sin & death that the Spirit of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">life
</i>IN CHRIST JESUS brings us. This is because Jesus already fulfilled the
righteous requirement in us!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So how do we practice being IN CHRIST? My mind immediately
jumped to John 15!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Verse four tells us that we can only bear fruit when we are
abiding IN CHRIST! And how do we abide in Him? By keeping His commandments (vs.
10). What commandments? Loving one another (vs. 12)!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So love of one another is central to abiding IN CHRIST,
which is where freedom is found! But I cannot rightly love others in my own
strength…it requires practicing humility, looking out for the interests of
others (Phil. 2:4). The next verses command us to have the same mind as was IN
CHRIST JESUS: making Himself <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothing</i>
to serve others. But again, there is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no
way</i> that I can continually do that in my own strength!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Holy Spirit next took me to Ephesians, where Paul
frequently talks about what is positionally true of us IN CHRIST.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li>1:3 We are blessed with every spiritual blessing</li>
<li>1:4 We are chosen to be holy and blameless before Him in
love.</li>
<li>1:6 We are made accepted IN THE BELOVED</li>
<li>1:7 We are redeemed and forgiven through His blood,
according to the <u>riches</u> of His grace!</li>
<li>1:11-12 We obtain an inheritance, one of praising and
glorifying Him!</li>
<li>1:13-14 Trusting and believing IN HIM seals us with the Holy
Spirit, the guarantee of our inheritance</li>
<li>1:19-20 IN CHRIST’s resurrection, God works His mighty power…power
that is now directed toward us!</li>
<li>2:6 We are raised and seated in the heavenly places</li>
<li>2:7 We are shown the exceeding riches of His grace and
kindness</li>
<li>2:10 We are created for good works prepared beforehand</li>
<li>2:13 By His blood, we who were far off have been brought near!</li>
<li>2:18 <i>through Him</i>
(and His <i>finished</i> work), we have
access to the Father by the Spirit</li>
<li>3:12 We have boldness and access with confidence through
faith IN HIM</li>
</ul>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These are beautiful, precious promises that I want to cling
tightly to…especially the next time life throws me a curve ball!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One more passage to finish off with:<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power,
and of love and of a sound mind. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Therefore,
</i>do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">share</i> with me in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sufferings</i> for the gospel according to
the power of God who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> according to our works, but
according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us IN CHRIST JESUS
before time began…” (2 Tim. 1:7-9)</blockquote>
<br />
Please pray for me in the coming weeks and months, that I would be submitted to Christ, allowing Him to live His life in and through me!!<br />
<br />Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-33366729248789427342016-06-01T11:49:00.000-07:002016-06-02T10:43:22.622-07:00Waiting on God<div class="MsoNormal">
God is good – All the time;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the time – God is good.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While this can be a cliché statement in the church, and thus
carries the danger of minimization that clichés can have, it doesn’t change the
fact that it is TRUE. And it’s a statement that my mind is reminding my heart
of tonight and will continue to do so in the days to come.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On Friday I was informed that my presence was needed (as the
minutes taker) at a meeting at our other center starting on Monday. Sunday after
church, I found out that the car I was riding in would be departing at 4 a.m.
the next morning. No, I wasn’t thrilled…as I’m sure you can imagine! But I’m
always excited to spend time with the Kobwin family so I was looking forward to
that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As my mom says, “expectations will get you every time!” :P<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t remember when my cough had started this time. I know
I came down with congestion & a cough on May 13<sup>th</sup> after
reporting a long event. But thanks to the nasal adjustment my osteotherapist
gave me the next day, lots of vitamins and a few doses of Nyquil, I didn’t feel
too bad during my safari trip that Mon-Wed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This past Sunday afternoon, I again ended up reporting a
long event. I came home absolutely exhausted, and at some point the cough had
come back. So I took it with me to Kobwin.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the meantime, one of my sisters here had walked through
the painful loss of her first (early-term) pregnancy. She spent almost a week
in the hospital before the staff confirmed that the baby was no longer alive or
inside. Watching her and her husband walk through that was painful. But in the
last week and a half, I have also been encouraged by their example and
testimony. No, it’s not easy. It’s HARD. But I’ve seen them lean on God, give
their baby back to Him, and grow stronger in their relationship with one
another.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So on Monday of this week, I woke up really early and
boarded the car. It was <i>packed</i>, since
it was also serving as transport for a staff family moving back to that general
area. We ended up making three unplanned stops – two dealing with tires (one
tire went flat) and another for an hour and a half on the side of the road
after a hose pipe busted (or something along those lines). Instead of reaching
our destination at lunch time and starting meetings then, our van didn’t reach
there until around 6 p.m.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was exhausted and ready to crash, despite having slept
some in the car. But the decision was made to meet from 8-10 p.m. that night.
And I was staying with a Ugandan staff member in her house rather than at the
guesthouse like I expected. Which was good, because otherwise I would have
hardly seen her at all, but it came with its own challenges (namely, bathroom
facilities).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think it was that night that I felt how inadequate I was
for the situation – and I started praying for God’s grace to sustain me through
the next days. My hostess made apologies for the dust from the roof (papyrus
matting) and for the rats that lived in the roof. Thankfully I really didn’t
notice the latter, but I think the former exacerbated my cough.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A young boy who came with his dad in the van I was riding in
had slept almost all day on Monday. That night, he had a high fever. So as I
went to bed that night, that was my prayer focus – as well as thankfulness for
a very positive update I had heard in the meeting.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The health of my relationship with God has really been under
fire in the past months/year. I’ve kept trying to press through, and I’ve
talked about it with my mentor here. But nothing had seemed to be shifting noticeably.
In the past 2.5 weeks, I’ve been going through a Beth Moore Bible study, “Believing
God,” in preparation for co-leading it with another lady here starting next
week. Both this study and a book my mentor and I are reading through has been
bringing to life the reminders about God that I’ve needed to hear again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So on Monday night as I prayed for the little boy, I was so
encouraged to notice a difference in my heart’s attitude. There’s not a
concrete way to explain it, but my belief and faith were stronger that God
could <i>and would</i> intervene, in His
time & way. That encouraged my heart, and I know it wasn’t because of ME.
It is God’s grace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next morning (yesterday), I was so blessed to hear that
he was doing ok, and that he and his father had slept well (one of my specific
prayer requests). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The meetings started at about 9 a.m. and continued with only
three 45-minute breaks until 9 p.m. The heat at Kobwin (especially inside
buildings during the day) meant that we met outside. Which also meant that my
computer battery life ended up being something of an issue. So during the last
two breaks I had to walk a few minutes away to the office, the only place with sockets
at the center.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By break time (10:30 a.m., which always includes tea and
snacks in Uganda), I noticed that I had a headache. Thankfully I always carry
ibuprofen with me, so I took one. And the rest of the day, I found myself
watching the clock for when I could take one again. Each one gave me about two
hours of relief, enough to carry on my responsibilities, but I was <i>not</i> feeling great.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The meetings finally wrapped up, and I was told we would be
getting up at 5 a.m. to leave for the long drive back home to Kasana. Oh
bother. I was sad that the hectic schedule meant I had barely said three
sentences to any of my friends there other than my hostess. Additionally, one
of the families that I’m closest to wasn’t even around, they were on leave
(vacation). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went back to the house where I was staying, packed things
up, and got myself to bed as fast as I could since I was once again exhausted.
My cough kept me awake longer than I wanted, until the cough drop I took
started helping. Then just a few hours later, I awoke again. My skin was hot to
my own touch, but I was shivering in violent spurts. I pulled the heavy blanket
over me, and tried to pray and sleep again. Twice, as I prayed for peace, I
immediately felt my tense, shivering body relax. Thankfully it didn’t take too
long to fall back asleep.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We got on the road at around 6 this morning, and thankfully
the trip back was much less eventful. The van was also roomier, since obviously
we weren’t taking back the load we had carried on the way up. So I was able to
stretch out on a bench seat and sleep some. But coughing and the bumpy road
were not kind to my headache, in spite of still being on ibuprofen.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We safely reached home at about 2 p.m. This afternoon was
our weekly staff fellowship, and I went even though I still didn’t feel great.
As I forced myself to unpack to clear off my bed, I couldn’t help but think
about how the last time I felt healthy for an extended period of time was
probably in early March, before my last Kobwin trip and before rainy season
started.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rainy season here for me brings frequent sneezing fits
(especially in the morning) and a drippy nose. Probably a reaction to the
cooler temperatures and mold. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
An example of the latter: I have a pair of sandals I have
worn very frequently over the past year and a half. Recently, I didn’t put them
on for a couple weeks because I needed to do a bit of sewing on them to shorten
the elastic straps. In the meantime, mold started to grow on my sandals.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On Sunday I had given them a good scrubbing (Oh, maybe that’s
why my cough came back??), and they look so clean now! It’s funny how you don’t
fully realize just how dirty something has gradually gotten until you clean it
thoroughly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, It’s been a rough three months, full of ups and
downs health-wise. In my room, I have a calendar with the names of God on it. Interestingly,
May’s name was Jehovah Rophe, “The God Who Heals.” As I looked at the calendar
this evening, preparing to flip it, I had just taken my temperature to find
that I have a slight fever for the third or fourth distinct time in the past
three months. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart wanted to scoff at the promise I had welcomed so
hopefully at the beginning of May. But then I re-read May’s verse: “Bless the
LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your
iniquity; who heals all your diseases” (Psalm 103:2-3). I was struck by the
order of that. It’s not God’s physical healing that has priority. No, it’s the <i>spiritual</i> healing that every believer
has received which is primary. And it’s on that basis that I can proclaim God’s
goodness tonight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So even when I was struck by another fit of shivering as I
wrote this post, even though I still have a fever (101 now), I can and will
continue to proclaim God’s goodness. I can and will choose to be thankful for
the many blessings I have received from God, which are too innumerable to count.
And I can and will rest in my salvation <i>by
grace</i>. On our long journey north on Monday, we witnessed multiple evidences
of what a blessing that is. But that’s too long of a story for an
already-mammoth post. Check out my ministry Facebook page on Friday for that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I close tonight, yes I would appreciate your prayers. But
I find in my own heart the courage to pray “God, let Your will be done” rather
than demanding that I feel perfectly fine when I wake up in the morning. First
item on tomorrow’s agenda, <i>sleep in</i>.
Second item, go get a malaria test. For the third time in as many months. If it’s
like the other two times, the test will come back negative, but I’ll still feel
crummy for an unknown length of time. But God is still good, ALL the time.<b><o:p></o:p></b><br />
<br />
Thursday evening update: The blood test for malaria did come back positive this time, but that was almost a relief as then the treatment is obvious. I took my second dose this evening, four more to go.</div>
Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-62490326558710938302016-03-27T11:46:00.000-07:002016-03-27T12:02:47.015-07:00Why Do I Love & Worship?<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy Resurrection Sunday to all my brothers and sisters! :-)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, God has been working something in my heart and mind
that I want to share in case it can also encourage/convict others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pop Quiz about your knowledge of Bible stories: Which of the
two thieves who died on either side of Christ asked to be saved?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thought about your answer yet? Ok, I’ll wait a minute ;-)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you’re having trouble remembering, check out Luke
23:39-43 (emphasis mine):<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Then one of the criminals who were hanged blasphemed Him,
saying "If you are the Christ, save Yourself <i><u>and us</u></i>." But the other, answering, rebuked him, saying, "Do
you not even fear God, seeing you are under the same condemnation? And we
indeed justly, for we receive the due reward of our deeds; but this Man has
done nothing wrong." Then he said to Jesus, "Lord, <i><u>remember me</u></i> when You come into Your kingdom." And Jesus said
to him, "Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise."</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
As you can see, it was the first thief—the blasphemous one—who
asked to be saved. I don’t know about you – but that’s not what I would have
thought the answer was to that question. If I were some Bible scholar, I would
maybe have a better understanding of what was implied by the second thief’s
request for Christ to “remember” him. But I’m not…so I don’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this realization in church this morning followed on the
heels of a conviction this morning in my ‘prayer closet’ which was along
similar themes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me first back up a bit. On Good Friday, I spent a couple
hours out under a tree at our Enterprise Farm journaling about something….. something
that came up about a year ago from my young childhood. I felt last year that I
needed to work through it more, but had delayed and delayed. God used a couple
different things to bring it up again last week, and a day off work provided a
good opportunity to prayerfully write about it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I sat down to write, I wanted to do it from the right
perspective and foundation. I didn’t want to write about it out of self-pity or
a ‘victim’ mentality. I wanted to write about it in a way to open my heart to
Christ’s healing and redemption, which He accomplished on the Cross 2,000 years
ago. And so even though I didn’t plan it that way, Good Friday helped me think
about it in that framework.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then yesterday morning I was reading Psalm 67 in my
devotional time. I couldn’t help but notice, while I read, that the Psalm talks
about urging all nations to praise God…..but it begins and ends with the
expectation that God will bless us. So was the admonition to praise God based
in selfish motives, just wanting the blessings from Him? My mind noticed it,
but then I went on with my day. And when a friend later asked me what Jesus was
speaking to me that day, I couldn’t think of anything – I just said I wasn’t
listening well enough to hear.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back to this morning’s conviction. I had been thinking of my
friend’s question off and on. And as I was there in my ‘prayer closet,’
Paraclete revealed a piece of my heart. On Friday I felt close to God in a way
I haven’t as much recently, because I was bringing to Him something that was
weighing on me. I recognized that I needed healing in an area, and I was asking
Him to do that in me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In other words, my motivation was partly/primarily selfish.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So this morning, the question that came to my heart and mind
was “Have I been ‘loving’ and ‘worshipping’ God for who He is? Or for what I
receive from Him?” In other words, haven’t I been doing the same thing the
author of Psalm 67 appears to have been doing?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s such an easy trap to fall into. We do need God, desperately.
And because He is a loving God, He does enjoy lavishing His children with gifts
of His grace (Eph. 1:7-8). But our love for and worship of God should be so
much more than that….shouldn’t it?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because the God we serve is <i>indescribably</i> glorious. Enthroned in Majesty. The Creator and
Sustainer of all things – in ways we can’t even imagine. He is the definition
of Awesome.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But our eyes are so very easily fixated on our own lives,
our own problems – the things we want God to fix in us or the material things
we want Him to bless us with.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is that not asking God to save us for our own selfish
reasons, as the thief on the cross did? Is that not following Jesus for what we
can get out of Him, as Judas ended up doing (John 12:4-8)?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shouldn’t we instead recognize Christ for who He is—the one
who “has done nothing wrong” and who has a Kingdom where He rules—as the second
thief did? Shouldn’t we pour out our most valuable and precious things simply
for the sake of anointing Christ, as Mary did (John 12:1-3)?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning, Uncle Jonnes pointed out that the two thieves
on the crosses show the two types of responses to Jesus, paralleling the contrasting
responses of Mary and Judas in John 12. But which category do I really fall
into? As a not-yet-fully-sanctified human, I need to be continually examining
my own heart and listening for the input of the Holy Spirit in this matter.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because this morning, there in my prayer closet, the
question came to mind: “If you got NOTHING from God, would you still worship
Him?” And my selfish heart had to answer a quiet “no.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All day today, when my thoughts have gone back to these
points, there’s a simple line from a song that keeps coming back to mind: “I will
worship You for who You are.” And that has been the cry of my heart today. To
worship both our Savior and our Father for who He is as God. Not only for what
I receive as a result.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To quote my college president, “May it ever be true of us.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-20475030717366546832016-03-03T22:11:00.000-08:002016-03-03T22:13:42.219-08:00Trusting God in Unwanted Circumstances<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been reading through the Psalms recently. Yesterday
morning, one of the ones I read was Psalm 53.<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The fool has said in his heart, “There is no God.”<br />
They are corrupt, and have done abominable iniquity,<br />
There is none who does good.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
God looks down from heaven upon the children of men,<br />
To see if there are any who understand, who seek God.<br />
Every one of them has turned aside;<br />
They have together become corrupt;<br />
There is none who does good, no not one. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Have the workers of iniquity no knowledge,<br />
Who eat up my people as they eat bread,<br />
And do not call upon God?<br />
There they are in great fear where no fear was,<br />
For God has scattered the bones of him who encamps against you;<br />
You have put them to shame,<br />
Because God has despised them. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Oh, that the salvation of Israel would come out of Zion!<br />
When God brings back the captivity of His people,<br />
Let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad.</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
At the first read through, this Psalm kind of seemed
disjointed. I didn’t initially see the thread of connection and flow through it
all. But after looking at it for a bit, I could see it. Basically, the summary
of this Psalm could be “Foolish men no match against God’s salvation.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It made me smile as I saw it, and I thought about how
encouraging that is. So often, we get focused on the rascals who seem to be
able to do whatever they want. And yes, sometimes God allows evil men to have
sway for a while. But in the end, they will be filled with great fear, “For God
has scattered the bones of him who encamps against you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not long after reading that, as I was walking to work, one
of my fellow staff members stopped me. He asked me what other names I go
by…..and I thought I knew where this was headed. When I told him my Luganda
name, he told me that he had met a stranger on our campus – that spot being
only a one minute walk from my house – who was looking for me by that name.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The stranger who talked to me once in the nearby town.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The creeper who has been stalking me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He had been onsite, and not far from my place.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was evidently a couple weeks ago. I think before he got
my number and called me, and I told him “Do NOT call me again.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On Wednesday, my fellow staff member had been in the nearby
town, and three people had walked up to him and blamed him for keeping their
friend (the creeper) from seeing “his friend” at New Hope (me – though I would
NOT call someone “my friend” after one brief encounter).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My fellow staff member made the comment “I didn’t know I had
any enemies in [the nearby town], but now I guess I do.” I explained the
situation to him, and told him I was sorry he had gotten involved in it. And I
did (and do) feel somehow guilty for it. The number of times my mind has tried
to go back through that initial interaction, to see why this creeper thinks he
can be so persistent…. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I have to keep reminding myself that I am not to blame
for his unwarranted actions. My mom always says “you can’t ‘should have’
anything” – but I think it’s just human for us to think that way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel like my privacy has been violated by this creeper.
And now at least two of my staff members have been a bit hassled by the local
people because of it. And yes, it is so tempting to be afraid.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t until I lay down to go to sleep last night that my
mind suddenly put two and two together. All day, the worry would try to come
pressing back in. All day, I was waiting to talk to the church elder who has
been walking through this situation with me. All day, I had been trying to
remind myself not to let fear control me. But all day, I had forgotten the
Truth that I read that morning:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“For God has scattered the bones of him who encamps against
you”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so last night, I finally prayed a Bible-based prayer
about it – for the first time in all the weeks this has been going on. I prayed
that God would scatter these outside ‘enemies’ who seem to be bent on getting
me and this creeper together. That God would place a hedge of protection around
my friends and around me. That God would place a fear of HIM into the heart of
this creeper. I have no idea where he stands spiritually – and I do pray that
God would work in his heart….not only to cause fear, but even to cause
repentance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
So often, I fail to connect what I read in the Bible to real
life. But this morning, as I read a couple more Psalms, the Spirit gave me the
eyes to see it. And so I begin a new day, choosing to rest and trust in the God
of my salvation. The One who can and will hear my prayers; the One who can grant
me deliverance. Selah.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-19663112215949379112015-11-04T20:28:00.000-08:002015-11-04T20:28:44.523-08:00God's Love for UsYesterday was, I am afraid, another one of "those days."<br />
<br />
Jill is back in the office with me starting Tuesday, which is wonderful! And I'm going home two weeks from today, which is also wonderful!! But yesterday, thanks to a few other things as well, the emotions started snowballing quickly and early.<br />
<br />
I'm so thankful that God reminded me to lean on Him in that moment, because if He hadn't, I am not sure if I would have made it through the day. Without Him, I am so weak!<br />
<br />
But I did make it through, all by His Grace.<br />
<br />
When we got to our weekly staff fellowship in the evening, one of our staff members came to share with us what she had recently learned at a conference about how to counsel people. But instead of jumping in to a list of things we should do, she went back to the beginning: reminding us that love is the goal of counseling others, and that "We cannot do that unless we are receiving God's love into our hearts regularly."<br />
<br />
So instead of talking at us about how to help others, she gave us verses to meditate on as we opened up our hearts to God's love for us. Afterwards, this is what I wrote:<br />
<br />
I am a child of God--Beloved and Precious. The child of a Prodigal God,* One who will spare NO expense in redeeming His people. He did it at the time of the Exodus (Deut. 7:7-8), He pursued His people through <i>generations</i> (Jer. 31:3), and He did it again through Jesus (Rom. 5:8).<br />
<br />
God spared <i>no expense</i>. He <i>poured out</i> the most precious thing in the entire Universe: the blood of His Son (John 3;16). Because He loved us, because He loved me. Not because of any righteousness I had done or could ever do---my father's father's father's father for generations existed only in God's foreknowledge when Christ chose & pledged to make that ultimate sacrifice (Eph. 2:4-5). It is ALL by grace, all by His <u>lavished</u> love (1 John 3:1).<br />
<br />
Lord, open the floodgates of my soul to Your love. Saturate me with You--mind, heart, body & soul--so that when life squeezes me and jostles me, it is Your love which overflows.<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*This idea comes from Tim Keller's book of the same name, in which he points out that the real meaning of "prodigal" is extravagant, although the "parable of the prodigal son" often makes us think of it in terms of wandering from home. In that book, Tim Keller shows how the parable is really about the Prodigal Father (God) who rejoices so much in us.</span><br />
<br />
<br />Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-73771935933869335182015-10-08T11:06:00.000-07:002015-10-08T11:06:39.412-07:00Of Mango Juice & Broom Trees<div class="MsoNormal">
Today was one of “those days” – days when one feels
overloaded & overwhelmed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I travelled back on Tuesday from a week of vacationing out
at Musana Camps, NHU’s beautiful property on the shores of Lake Victoria. But
by this afternoon, any rest during that week seemed hardly worth the piles of
work I came back to.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So many things to do, chiefly reading & processing
300ish letters from our primary & senior students to their sponsors. But so
many other things too, pressing things that I just can’t seem to make time for.
Budgets & emails & new sponsorships, and a pile of Christmas packages
for kids just waiting to be opened & checked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was tired and frustrated and on edge this afternoon. One
of my friends had stopped by several times to do various things at the admin
offices. So we had greeted & chatted a bit, and she could see I was tired.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trying to get some of the letters read, I could just feel my
frustration building. A class where the teacher had written a letter and just
had all the students copy it (true, it’s a young class, but they should still
be able to answer simple questions for themselves). Other things that hadn’t
gone quite like I expected.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was about ready to throw in the towel and go for a run to
vent my pent up feelings, even though it was 3 p.m. and I was nearly sweating
just sitting still in my office.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then my friend showed up again. She handed me a manila
envelope, strangely shaped. Inside was a box of cold mango juice she had bought
for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Such a seemingly small thing – but to me it was not a small
thing: it was a big thing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because as she turned and left before I had even finished
opening it and thanking her, my mind flew back to Tuesday night.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That night, we women here at Kasana had started a
video-based Bible study: “Walking with God in the Desert,” by Ray Vander Laan.
He’s a Bible teacher who takes people out to the Holy Land and creates studies
about Christian history & heritage and lessons to be learned from that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There have definitely been times in the past year and in the
past months when I have felt the blasting heat of a metaphorical desert wind.
Moving & living half way around the world from everything familiar isn’t
easy. Carrying a lot of responsibility for months can be a draining challenge.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, as Ray reminded us, it’s in the desert we often are
reminded that it is God who is faithful and sufficient, and it is in the desert
times that we can learn to fall in love with Him all over again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the second video lesson we watched, Ray talked about the
concept in the Bible of God being the shade at our right hand. He said the Hebrew
word refers to what we call a broom tree. It’s more like a shrub or a bush:
something which can give relief from the heat, but not like an oak tree that
more completely blocks out the burning sunlight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God doesn’t promise us that He will magically make all of
our problems disappear! But He does promise us that He will give us the shade
and relief at all times when we need Him. And His grace is sufficient for us to
take the next step, to make it through the next challenge. What’s more, God
often uses the community of His people to bring that shade to one another. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This afternoon, God used my friend to remind me about what I
had already so quickly forgotten. That box of mango juice was my broom tree for
the afternoon. I thank God for my friends here, including this one who’s “small”
act of kindness honestly turned around my whole frame of mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only way to explain it is God. A box of mango juice
doesn’t really turn me from someone who’s frustrated and fed up into someone
who can take the next step and the next step and make progress in reading
letters. It was just a practical object lesson & reminder that God is
enough and He will provide the strength I need. I had written those same words
just a couple hours before, because I knew with my head they were true. But God
in His grace sent my friend with a box of mango juice because He knew I needed
to remember and feel it with my heart this afternoon.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because of what my friend did for me, I was also able to
reach out to other friends and hopefully be a bit of God’s shade for them too.
That’s how God’s grace works. It’s not just something I take and keep for
myself. It’s something that I receive in order to pass it on to others – for the
glory of our loving Father.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So as you go about your day, maybe think about how you can
be God’s broom tree for others in their struggles. And don’t forget that God is
always there for you in your desert, no farther away than you can reach your
right hand.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-70069117718629420452015-08-15T09:28:00.000-07:002015-08-15T09:28:35.407-07:00Thanksgiving<div class="MsoNormal">
I know this is a few months early for my fellow Americans…..
But here at New Hope Uganda, tomorrow we will be having our annual Thanksgiving
Sunday service. And so in that spirit, I wanted to share some of the things I
am so very thankful for in this season of my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First of all, I am incredibly thankful for our Abba, Father –
the fact that He is present and active in the lives of His children is an incomprehensible gift!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am thankful for our Savior, for His patience and undying
love for us. Words utterly fail to describe what He has done and continues to
do for the glory of God, of which we are beneficiaries!<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“This is a faithful saying: For if we died with Him, we will
also live with Him. If we endure, we shall also reign with Him. If we deny Him,
He also will deny us. If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny
Himself.” 2 Timothy 2:11-13</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m also thankful for Paraclete, the Holy Spirit, who lives
within God’s beloved sons & daughters and continues working and interceding
for our sanctification.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m so thankful that I am never alone, for this is the
Triune God who is ever-present with us.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m thankful for my biological family, especially my
parents. Their constant love and care and prayers and support mean more to me
than I can ever say. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am also thankful for my massive spiritual family –
literally located around the globe. So many names I could mention here – names of
prayer supporters and encouragers, names of friends. Many of whom I have not
seen in recent months, but who I know care nonetheless.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m thankful for my New Hope family too – again, so many
names I could pull out of people who have invested in me in ways small and
large. People who have opened their hearts and homes to me; people I have been
able to stand with and work alongside. People who, while not perfect, seek to
serve God through loving His “least of these.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am thankful for the gift of fellowshipping for a week in
person with a friend & apartment-mate from college days. Her presence was
such a gift and she is part of the reason I am writing this right now!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m thankful for the beauty of God’s creation! For the
birds, the flowers, the stars my friend and I enjoyed during a dark night power
out. This world is so amazing in its variety and ingenious design.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This list could go on and on…..<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I choose gratitude and thankfulness as my glasses, I
see so much that is good and blessing in my life. Yes, there are hardships and
challenges. But I – we! – are called to give thanks in all things. And so this
evening, I praise God for the many gifts He has given me…..above them all,
Himself in relationship.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
To God be the Glory, great things He has done!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-67066942846501756252015-07-12T12:41:00.000-07:002015-07-12T12:41:05.453-07:00Boasting in My Weakness<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve got to say, it’s not easy for me to think about writing
this post. Even simply typing the title made me pause.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m the kind of person who likes to be right—who <i>needs</i> to be right (or at least I think I
do). I want to be the one who’s dependable and got it all together.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, truth is, I’m not – and I don’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God is at work in my heart and life. Often I wish He would hurry
up and finish so that I would just be good to go. But then I wouldn’t need Him
as desperately, would I?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the past weeks and months, I’ve been wrestling with
apathy. Well, actually, a more accurate description would be that I’ve been
giving in to apathy without putting up a lot of fight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been battling discouragement, hypocrisy, etc. You name
one of those inner struggles that’s so easy to put a mask over, I’ve probably
been dealing with it to some extent.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But God – He sees right through my masks. Jesus Christ sees
my heart with His eyes of blazing fire that our teacher talked about this
morning in church (from Revelations 2:18). And yet this same God doesn’t only
see in me what I so often focus on, the sin & failures, the guilt. God the
Father sees in me the righteousness of His Son, our Savior.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s what He reminded me of this afternoon as I knelt on
my bed, crying for shame & guilt of my shortcomings. And to my heart, three
simple words, yet so profound that it will take eternity to understand: He
loves me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, in myself I am weak – so very prone to give into the
temptation of the easy, selfish path. But in my weakness is the opportunity for
His strength to be displayed, for His glory.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because if living the Christian life—a life that pleases God—is
something that I could work up to do in my own strength, there would have been
no need for Christ to come.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I need Him, He who has fought the war and won the victory;
He who has defeated the enemies of sin and Satan and death. The balance is
there: The war has been won, and yet I am called to fight the daily battles by
the power of the Victor flowing in and through me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yesterday as I worked on laundry, some of these same
thoughts which have been common these past weeks were already circling in my
mind. I shut off the podcast I was listening to, and prayed seeking to listen
to my God instead. And in that, I was reminded of the need to put to death my
old man, my fleshly desires, each day. But I can’t even crucify my own flesh –
that can only be done through the Spirit who brings life in the place of death
(Romans 8:13).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thanks be to God, it is not that I must struggle against my
flesh in order to win God’s acceptance and approval. On the contrary, He has
adopted me as His daughter through Christ’s death – thereby giving the only
reason I have hope of choosing life over the sin and death which form our
natural, fallen state (Romans 8:12-17).<o:p></o:p></div>
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And yesterday, as He called me to the beginning of this
memory, my mind flew back to a little something I had started in March and
finished in June:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qr2rF1mtkUA/VaLA_7Wq4XI/AAAAAAAAAow/ck39n_a2QWI/s1600/P6260801%2Bedited.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qr2rF1mtkUA/VaLA_7Wq4XI/AAAAAAAAAow/ck39n_a2QWI/s320/P6260801%2Bedited.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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I say I started it in March. That’s not strictly true. March
is when I pulled some images of crosses from the Internet and selected a font,
all of which I began to combine and trace to make this image. But the story of
this picture started almost four years ago, on my 21<sup>st</sup> birthday at
JBU’s Sunday night chapel service. It was there that the words “I am Thine”
(referring to myself in relationship to my heavenly Lord, obviously) became
emblazoned on my mind. They’ve been there ever since, and often my heart has
repeated that cry.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The cross was added to the mental image later, in Northern
Ireland. That’s a story of its own, perhaps for another day. But over these
past two years since that trip, I’ve been wanting to draw this. Last month, the
image was finally completed. And yesterday, it suddenly took on even deeper
significance. Not only is the cross the symbol of Christ’s redemption of our
souls, it is also the symbol of what we are called to: To take up our cross
each day – not to earn our salvation, but because we have it (Luke 9:23-25,
Philippians 3:7-11).</div>
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These words, this symbol – they are far beyond anything I
can accomplish in and of myself. It is all Christ. Therefore, I will gladly
boast in my weakness, that through me the strength of His grace may be seen (2
Corinthians 12:9). For His glory alone.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6301093799033890120.post-49308026239392078082015-06-21T07:01:00.002-07:002015-06-21T07:01:52.661-07:00Fresh Love<div class="MsoNormal">
{I’ve stolen/borrowed this title, as you’ll see later – so I
can’t take credit for it!}<o:p></o:p></div>
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This past Thursday evening, I hit a slump of discouragement.
There are several probable factors that created it, but in the end God used it
to once again remind me how constantly and desperately I need Him. He is
all-sufficient, if only I would have the faith to trust and rely on Him rather
than myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Since then, I have spent some time reading Nehemiah 8 and 9.
Those two chapters focus on the reading of the law to the Jews who had returned
after exile, and of their response to it. The people were grieved when the law
was read and explained by the Levites – and though they were encouraged to not
grieve because “the joy of the L<span style="font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">ORD</span>
is your strength” (Neh. 8:10), they later returned to pour their hearts out in
confession before God.<o:p></o:p></div>
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During this gathering, the Levites stood up before the
people and recounted the history of Israel poetically – but what I found most
interesting as I read it this morning is that they started off by blessing God
and worshipping Him. The tale they told was one of Israelite rebellion and
unfaithfulness, but it was framed and laced throughout with the mercy of God
and His worthiness to be obeyed and praised.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As I closed my Bible and prepared to get ready for church, a
thought flitted through my mind; something about feeling as though I was just
slogging through, trying to do what I knew I should, but often without my heart
fully into it. Little did I know then how that very thought would tie into
church.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I arrived at church a little early. While sitting there
listening to the choir finishing their practice for the service, I watched as a
couple of our church leaders brought out the elements for communion. Somehow,
that simple sight awakened emotion in me, and a tear had to be wiped from my
cheek.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A little later in the service, the Scripture passage for the
day’s sermon was read, Revelations 2:1-7. The meat of those verses hit me right
between the eyes. Christ, speaking to the church in Ephesus, says:<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I
know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who
claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have
persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.
Yet I hold this against you: have forsaken the love you had at first” (Rev.
2:2-4).</blockquote>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yes, I thought. Yes, that’s exactly it. That could nearly
just as well be speaking about me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My mind flashed back to a recent group discussion in which I
was simultaneously frustrated and prideful. I found myself unduly frustrated with
others for not having a working understanding of theological principles which I’ve
had something of a grasp on for almost as long as I can remember. And thus the
pride came into play as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I try to work hard and perform well, often for the sake of
giving glory to Christ. I make an effort to hold fast to Scripture, making it my
foundation, learning so that I may I understand truth and discern the lie. I do
my best to press through times of discouragement.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But where is the love in my heart?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Do I do all these things merely because I am supposed to? Or
because my heart is on fire with a love and passion for God and His glory?<o:p></o:p></div>
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While I desire the latter, the former is often more
accurate. Just trying to slog through life, to get through one more day.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t want to live like that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I want to return to the first love of Christ. The love that
came, not because of anything I had done but because of what He did. The fresh
love, as the preacher put it, that flows from Him through me—of which I am
merely a channel, not a creator.<o:p></o:p></div>
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During the sermon, the pastor for the day clarified and
reechoed many of these thoughts which had recently been swirling, half-formed,
in my mind. In his conclusion, he read 1 Corinthians 13:1-8a. Reminding us that
without love, we are nothing. Reminding us of just what kind of love Christ has
for us.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As we took communion, our worship leader played a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwGSNv3vK3I" target="_blank">song</a> that
had really struck me in church a couple weeks ago.
I munched my small square of bread and drank my small cup of juice, remembering
what Christ has done for me; remembering that all is by grace.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And so a new day continues, a new hour lies before me. May
it be filled with a fresh love for Christ and for others, by His grace.</div>
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Estherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00266932623479860795noreply@blogger.com0