I try not to talk about the challenging details of my work all that much because I don't want to complain/gossip/be self-praising by talking about everything I deal with. Suffice it to say that both boys are sinners just like the rest of us and often want their own way just like I do.
On Friday I ran out of patience and blew it. I was truly sorry for what I had done within two minutes, but the damage had been done and we had a rough hour or so. Thankfully by the end of the day our relationship was in better shape again.
Nevertheless I felt incredibly guilty for what happened, and still do to some extent. I have confessed that what I did was very wrong and said I am sorry. I know that Christ's righteousness covers this sin and failure just as it covers all of my sin. But it's hardest to forgive myself. How could I have let this happen???
Honestly, my flesh just responded to the child's actions like he has responded to me repeatedly in the past. But I'm not supposed to act that way. I'm supposed to be the Christian who has limitless self-control in responding firmly and yet kindly to a little sinful child, trying to guide him toward building a better character. But on Friday, my self-control failed me. In responding in anger, I not only damaged my relationship with the boys, I also marred my Christian witness. It was that thought that brought tears to my eyes when i had some time alone to think it over.
I think the problem is that I have been trying to do this in my power. I have failed to fully recognize the spiritual warfare nature of my work. Satan doesn't want me to love these boys unconditionally. He wants me to fight back in anger. I ran out of patience because I wasn't relying on God's power to work through me. I have failed to cover my work in prayer - daily, hourly, even moment by moment.
What I do is not easy. As Friday's happenings clearly showed, what I want to do is impossible unless I'm relying only on God's strength. That's where you all come in. I'm asking you to please pray for me, whenever you think of me. Please pray that I would not try to love and teach these boys out of my own strength, because that will fail miserably. Please pray that God will give me wisdom in how to respond to trying circumstances. Please pray that I may in some small way show these boys the love of God.
In the end, if nothing else, my experience with the boys constantly reminds me to be thankful for God's entirely unconditional love for me, for us. In our sin, we act just like these two boys (Eph. 2:1-3). But God loved us even when we were unlovable, when we hated Him, despised Him, spat in His face (Eph. 2:4-10). And even now, when I make choices that grieve Him deeply, He still loves me, always.
I am not God. I knew that, of course, but Friday reminded me of it once again. BUT His power is available to me, when I choose to live and act through the power of His Spirit instead of in my weak and fleshly attempts. May it be so in my life - tomorrow, next week, next month.
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