Thanksgiving

I know this is a few months early for my fellow Americans….. But here at New Hope Uganda, tomorrow we will be having our annual Thanksgiving Sunday service. And so in that spirit, I wanted to share some of the things I am so very thankful for in this season of my life.

First of all, I am incredibly thankful for our Abba, Father – the fact that He is present and active in the lives of His children is an incomprehensible gift!

I am thankful for our Savior, for His patience and undying love for us. Words utterly fail to describe what He has done and continues to do for the glory of God, of which we are beneficiaries!

“This is a faithful saying: For if we died with Him, we will also live with Him. If we endure, we shall also reign with Him. If we deny Him, He also will deny us. If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.”  2 Timothy 2:11-13

I’m also thankful for Paraclete, the Holy Spirit, who lives within God’s beloved sons & daughters and continues working and interceding for our sanctification.

I’m so thankful that I am never alone, for this is the Triune God who is ever-present with us.

I’m thankful for my biological family, especially my parents. Their constant love and care and prayers and support mean more to me than I can ever say.

I am also thankful for my massive spiritual family – literally located around the globe. So many names I could mention here – names of prayer supporters and encouragers, names of friends. Many of whom I have not seen in recent months, but who I know care nonetheless.

I’m thankful for my New Hope family too – again, so many names I could pull out of people who have invested in me in ways small and large. People who have opened their hearts and homes to me; people I have been able to stand with and work alongside. People who, while not perfect, seek to serve God through loving His “least of these.”

I am thankful for the gift of fellowshipping for a week in person with a friend & apartment-mate from college days. Her presence was such a gift and she is part of the reason I am writing this right now!

I’m thankful for the beauty of God’s creation! For the birds, the flowers, the stars my friend and I enjoyed during a dark night power out. This world is so amazing in its variety and ingenious design.

This list could go on and on…..

When I choose gratitude and thankfulness as my glasses, I see so much that is good and blessing in my life. Yes, there are hardships and challenges. But I – we! – are called to give thanks in all things. And so this evening, I praise God for the many gifts He has given me…..above them all, Himself in relationship.

To God be the Glory, great things He has done!

When Life Changes in a Moment

Tuesday, January 25, 2011. It seemed like a perfectly normal day, but I will forever mark it as the day God revolutionized my life. I stood in chapel at my small, Christian college singing during the worship time. For some reason I sat further back than normal—nearly under the shelter of the upstairs balcony.

As I sang, surrounded by hundreds of my fellow students and yet feeling alone, my mind returned to the questions I had asked so often throughout high school and my first year and a half of college. “Why God? Why is it that I feel like I want a deeper relationship with You and yet nothing changes? Why do You seem so silent? I try so hard.”

There was no rending of the heavens, no vision of glorious majesty. But there was a simple Thought, sent—I believe—by the Holy Spirit at just the moment He had crafted in His infinite plan.

“What you do is not a question of earning My love. You can never earn it. Salvation is a free gift, based on nothing you do, My child. I already love you more than you know – no matter what.”

Hearing that truth and truly realizing what it meant in my life for the first time acted as a single beam of light into what had long been the dark room of my spiritual strivings. Looking back now, I can see that I have always tended toward attempting to earn assurance of others’ love and affection for me by working as a people pleaser. I naturally brought that same idea over to my relationship with God.

Yes, I knew intellectually that I could not earn my salvation. And yet as a Christian I had spent the previous years of my life trying to make myself worthy of God’s love and approval – lacking the faith that the Immanuel who came to save people from sin could truly accept me with all of my shortcomings and failings. In some ways it seems so simple and silly – it is in Scripture…I learned those verses and I should have known that receiving salvation did not suddenly mean that I must curry God’s favor (Gal. 3:1-3). Nevertheless that was how I thought, and it is still a trap I often find myself falling into.

I am still nowhere near the perfection I would love to achieve. But the embedding of that truth deep into my spiritual psyche started me on a journey of personal revival which God is still unfolding. The beauty of it all is that there was nothing special about that day – no reason from my end for the blessings I have since received. It is all Grace – God’s amazing Grace. And that’s the whole point. Yes, it is tempting to question why not sooner. But the answer goes right back to the lesson. God’s Grace is not bound by human understanding. No, I didn’t deserve what happened on January 25^th any more than I had any other day. But that is the beauty of Grace.

{This was originally posted in September of 2012 on Thrive80, a Moody blog that I wrote for occasionally. It was part of a series about "Inciting Incidents"--moments which shape one's life and story--to promote a new book for them, and so this is the moment I wrote about.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day this story is about, so I wanted to put a link on my Facebook page. But when I went back looking for this post, I discovered that the old blog, including my posts, is no longer online. So I re-post here what I wrote for them there, unedited.

Even four years after that day and almost two and a half years after writing this post, I am still learning Grace. And God has proved good and faithful and abundantly gracious during every step of that journey.}

God's Grace in my Brokenness

{I wrote this last Tuesday in the rawness of the moment. But I've kept coming back to in my mind...feeling that I should post it here. And so I share it with you, not because it puts me in a good light, but because it shows the Glory and Grace of my heavenly Father, that He would receive one such as me.}

It’s all gonna burn.

I can imagine myself torching my room in a moment of fed-up frustration and watching with a look of smug satisfaction as it all—every bit—gets reduced to ashes.

None of this STUFF lasts into eternity. And yet I’ve spent so so so much time in collecting this stuff. In organizing this stuff. In cleaning this stuff.

And for what end? Because in this stuff I trust? Because in this stuff I hold onto the past? Because this stuff carries my memories?

I’m struck again by the tension of living in the light of eternity vs. being too involved in the perishable things of this life.

It’s all gonna burn.

And as I try to answer the NHICF application question of what motivates me, the tears roll down my face. I reach out a tentative hand

“God, are You there?”

This time, this time at home. It’s supposed to be a time of preparation. It’s supposed to be a time of relating to people here, of reconnecting with them. Of gathering a support team so that I can return to ministry in Kasana.

But I’ve squandered so much. I wake with a headache so many mornings, because of staying up too late, usually binge watching my TV show addiction.

Last night I was watching as I finished cards…but the night before that, when I was up until 2 a.m.? There was no profit there.

“God, I want to stop running.” This is when the tears came. Because it feels like no matter how many times I come to this point, no matter how many times I say this, still I go back.

I am no different than the Israelites. They turn away. They forget the Lord who has done wonders among them. Even when it’s right in their face, still they question and go the way of their own stubborn hearts.

I say I want to go back to be in community with people. I say I want to touch the lives of others.

In the past two months, what have I done?

My life doesn’t start when my feet touch the Ugandan soil once more. My life is NOW.

And those choices I’ve been making NOW to indulge, to relax?

Those have been establishing patterns and addictions.

And yes, idols.

Distractions and stumbling blocks.

I know this. I know it all too well from years of experience.

And still. Still I go back. Still I wander away from the only One who is my root & anchor.

“Abba, please rip out this selfish heart of mine.”

“I’m sorry.”

There’s nothing else to say.

I feel the weakness of my own soul. I know the promises are vain on my lips.

How long until I fall back in? Maybe a week, maybe a day.

But the answer to that first question is yes. Yes, my God is here with me. He kneels beside me in my brokenness. He reaches out to touch my heaving shoulders.

Does He perhaps cry with me in my disappointment and regret?

But He doesn’t want me to stay there.

The broken self-heart turned to Him, yes. But not being stuck in the regret of the past.

Tomorrow is a new day, the next moment is a new opportunity.

And He extends that grace to me once more. Oh, but my heart trembles and fears the thought of taking unrighteous advantage of His grace.

I can do nothing.

I am no one.

But God.

But God offers unto us the resurrection power of Christ.

His work is available to change our hearts—to change my heart.

And each moment, every breath is a new chance to say no to self and yes to His conforming, redeeming work.

Abba, I confess my weakness to You. I confess that I am undeserving of Your grace. And yet I ask for it once again—I know there is no other place to stand. Paraclete, please renew Your Spirit within me. Guide me in Your ways, let me not go down my own selfish path.

Thank You that You can and will. To You be the glory.

{When I came back to my computer from eating lunch, I found this email waiting from a dear sister:

Hey,
I love you Esther Carey. I want to remind you that God's grace is enough today even in our weaknesses and mistakes. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1).
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7.
I'm telling this to myself too. Trust his power today.

My first thought was “wait, how did she know???” I hadn’t posted anything anywhere, but she spoke exactly the words I needed to hear. Praise the Lord J}

Why Uganda?

{In case you haven’t heard, last month I officially accepted an offer from New Hope Uganda to come serve in the role of assistant sponsorship coordinator at Kasana, Uganda. I plan to return the second week of September. Like other foreign staff, I am responsible for providing my own support.}

A couple weeks ago, after I had sent out a letter to my Uganda updates mailing list about my upcoming return plans, I got a call from a friend & trusted adviser. We chatted for a while, and then she asked me about how God has called me to this particular opportunity, and how He has confirmed that calling.

I didn’t really know what to tell her.

I had waited an entire month from the day I had been offered the position to respond “yes!” even though I knew I wanted to say yes from the moment, sitting in my hut, when I was invited back. I waited, saying I would pray about it. Wanting to be sure. Hoping for a sign.

But if I’m being honest with myself and you, I didn’t really spend dedicated time praying about it, and I hesitated because of fear and distrust. If this is really what God wants me to do, then He’ll make it obvious and plain, right?

The Sunday morning before I responded back to New Hope, as I sat in church, I felt God saying that the choice was up to me. He had set before me an open door, what more did I want? Last fall I had three doors I wanted to go through, and all three ended up closing. Now I wanted to return to Uganda, and God had used His people to open that door. It was my choice to walk through it. I sent my acceptance email.

A couple days after having said “yes!” I found myself second guessing. Thinking about other times over the years when I have set my hand at something, only to have it fall through or not turn out as I wished. And I felt God calling me again to trust Him—even if for some reason I didn’t end up back in Uganda, as I expected to. Rejecting the rising fear, I prayed to Him—choosing to trust whatever He had planned.

After my friend’s inquiry a few days later, I pondered how I would answer the question. I knew I had fallen in love with Uganda and the people I met at Kasana during the first five months of the year. I knew I yearned to go back and be reunited with these friends, to continue growing in relationship with them. But what calling did I have from God?

As I drove around Dallas, running errands, I asked Him—if He wouldn’t mind—for confirmation of what I instinctively felt…of what felt like the obvious “yes” answer to the opportunity.

Waiting at a Half Price Books moments later for a quote on some textbooks I was trying to sell, I perused the newly-discovered clearance section. Looking on the “nature” shelf, my eye fell on a thin booklet. Curious, I pulled it out and read the title: “Black Eagle.” Flipping it open, I saw a map of the western coast of Africa: Ghana and the surrounding countries. A glance at the first page showed that whoever had shelved this book hadn’t paid much attention—it appeared at first glance to be a book of African parables/legends.

Turning forward from the back of the booklet, I read a passage that nearly gave me goose bumps:

“Consider going to Ghana as a missionary when you have completed your education. Ask God to guide you in making your decisions about your future….the American young person considers his own life and God’s will for him…”

It may seem a small thing, especially considering that my plans are toward Uganda, not Ghana. But deep in my heart, I knew. It wasn’t an accident that I had come across the clearance section after using the restroom. It wasn’t an accident that this booklet about the history of Christian missions in Ghana was mistakenly shelved with the books about birds. It wasn’t an accident that it caught my eye, that I turned to that particular page. It was the confirmation God sent in His grace and mercy for even my questioning heart.

And as I have thought about it all in the days since, I can see so many other pointers…so many other heart nudges by which God has led me to this point, even when I didn’t plan for this path a year ago.

• Reading Kisses from Katie in January 2012 – as I wrote in my diary, reading the book about this young lady who moved to Uganda to volunteer made me “want to jump on the next plane to some underprivileged place & start pouring my life into those kids.”
• Listening to missionaries from Africa share at my church during my last semester of college – finding my heart strangely stirred and even being brought to tears at the thought.
• God shutting the doors I wanted open last summer and early fall – I was so very frustrated, but I felt Him asking me to give up my hunger to get a “good job” and live for the American version of “success.”
• God opening the door I wouldn’t have seen: to go to Uganda for five months in a short-term volunteer capacity.
• Getting to meet so many wonderful, encouraging people. God placing them—and the Ugandan kids in the Worcester family—into such a special part of my heart.
• Support from friends back home – and people telling me that somehow, by God’s grace, what I write from there speaks to them too.
• Just a couple days ago, getting an email from a friend I met at Kasana, offering encouragement in my choice to go back.

There have been other moments as well. And though my life the past year has so often felt like a roller coaster, with unexpected twists and turns…I know that God is the one leading and guiding. And so I seek to take one step at a time on this path He has given me, that all the glory may go to Him.

{If you would like to receive more information about my upcoming work with New Hope Uganda, or if you felt led to join me as a prayer or financial partner, please contact me! If you do not have my email address or phone number, you can leave a comment here or Facebook message me.}

{See also this Facebook note about how God has led me to missions}

Building Confidence

I’ve been writing and rewriting this post in my head for several months. And somehow, tonight just feels right to actually write it. So here goes {deep breath}. But first, let me introduce you to two girls.

Eleanor was not a typical teenager. Sure, she had dreams and ambitions like any young person…but she had also been through a set of experiences which made her unique. Everyone has, but Eleanor’s life made her think that was more so the case in her instance than in the general populations. After all, how many “normal” 13-year-olds can lay claim to the adventure of living in a different country for 6+ months??

Of course, not all the experiences which shaped Eleanor’s personality were positive. She was a very reserved/withdrawn person. She was not inclined to go hang out with friends. She frankly hated the phone (I don’t know why). The friends she did have were all, like her, super focused on and rather overwhelmed by school. Eleanor was a pretty private person. She didn’t share herself—especially her weaknesses/failures—easily with anyone. Not anyone. If she knew I was sharing this, it would make her very uncomfortable.

On the other hand is Ellie. She just graduated from college. She’s also not a “regular” American 20-something. The ideas of either clothes shopping for fun or spending long periods of time getting hair and makeup perfect are—quite frankly—very confusing to her. Ellie is an introvert, and once in a while if she feels too lost in a big group of people she can just go into shut down mode. She’s a perfectionist, and expects a lot of herself—she wants to do things well. In some ways, Ellie is pretty similar to Eleanor.

But at the same time, they are dis-similar. Ellie needs her alone time, but she also needs time with her friends. And that can be either on Skype, texting, or in a phone conversation! In college (especially the last two years), Ellie frequently made the choice to toss her homework aside for “later” while she spent time with friends. That’s something Eleanor couldn’t conceive of. Ellie also values other people’s input, and she is more willing to share about what she struggles with. She often finds herself questioning what other people think of her—but she has close friends who she trusts completely and with whom she finds it easy to be open.

So here we have these two different people. But if you know me very well, you probably picked up on the fact that these are not actually two separate girls. It’s just me, though at two very different times of my life. It’s amazing what a difference 5+ years can make. And believe me, it’s been quite the process. And not always a fun one, that’s for sure. But as I look back, I am thankful for where God has brought me and how He has grown me.

I’ve noticed just in the past 6ish months that I have become a lot more confident—I think in a good way. Last summer, when I interned in DC, my supervisor’s main negative critique on a feedback form was that I was hesitant to step up and introduce myself to people. Now, I certainly don’t claim to have reached perfection on that. As I said above, I’m still an introvert. But I am currently on my second work trip where I go to a location and have the job of interviewing people most of whom I have never met before. (True, I was freaking out/worried about it before Joplin…but that trip went amazingly well and gave me a big confidence boost!) Not to mention that when I came to this job, I knew basically no one. Are there still moments when I am not as outgoing as I sometimes wish I were? Oh yeah, for sure. Ellie is still a perfectionist with high self-expectations! And it’s still an area where I can grow.

But that’s not the only type of confidence I’ve grown in. I’ve also learned to be more self-confident, especially in the area of opening up to the people I trust and sharing my bad times in addition to the good times. And I’ve learned the immense value of friends who will take time to meet you where you’re at and join you on the journey, wherever life has you at the moment. I didn’t have that before I came to college. It wasn’t the fault of the friends I had, it was much more my fault. I didn’t really let any of my friendships in high school get past a pretty shallow “safe zone,” because I didn’t trust people—not anyone specifically, I just didn’t trust anybody in general.

Including God. Which is still hard for me to admit. I only just realized that component of it in January, when the professor for my “Capstone Seminar in Christian Life” class asked us to write “Here I Am” papers discussing our spiritual biographies. Well…I had started to be aware of it a couple months prior when one day, reading through Psalm 139 I realized that I couldn’t say verses 14 and 16 with belief and conviction. Then in January I realized when the breakdown had begun. There was still a lot of hurt and pain I was holding onto—and still am sometimes—a truth I only started realizing fully in April. One day that month, tears flowed as I finally came to grips with and grieved the emotional/spiritual damage done nearly 10 years before to my young self.

To explain the source of that would take too long here…and it would require telling a tale that is 90% not mine to tell. Suffice it to say that although it was not my personal actions or choices which caused the vast majority of what happened, it 100% had an effect on shaping who I am. It deeply impacted me, my family, and other people. And it was hard. And it was painful. And I still feel the resulting wounds. No, I was not a helpless victim in the process. I chose how I responded and acted, and even though I was only 13 at the time and didn’t understand what was happening or how it was affecting me, I am still responsible for the choices I made. {Just to clarify, I was never directly targeted or physically harmed in any way. This was not a physical incident at all, it was “only” relational. And I was a fairly uninvolved bystander who was nevertheless heavily affected by the fallout.}

I now believe that it was my disappointment that God didn’t “fix” everything and put it back to the way that it had been which led to my spiritual “dark age” of 2003 and beyond. And I believe it was my resulting trickle-down distrust of people—in addition to personality tendencies such as perfection—that led to me building a fortress stronghold all around my heart. If I didn’t let anybody in, I couldn’t get hurt, right? If I guarded my emotions and didn’t tell anyone what I struggled with, I would be safer, wouldn’t I? Looking back, I think that’s what my unconscious thought process was.

This obviously affected my whole life—all of my relationships. God, parents, friends—I tried to keep all at a safe distance, tried to make sure that I always only put my best foot forward. It was emotionally and spiritually exhausting, and I felt so very lonely. But for such a long time, I didn’t realize where the breakdown had occurred. Oh, I knew there was a problem. I just didn’t know how to fix it. And my way (trying harder) was NOT working.

But God didn’t leave me there. Finally, on Jan. 25, 2011 His message of GRACE broke through loud and clear. It has still often seemed like a long/tedious/difficult/painful process since then…but once God got my vertical relationship onto the foundation that it should be on, my horizontal relationships also started shifting.

August 28, 2009 was my second day of classes at John Brown University as a pretty clueless freshman. It was also my first regular chapel, the first of many many in my undergraduate career! But I will always remember that chapel. President Pollard spoke, as he always does on the first chapel of the semester. He shared from John 9, about the miracle where Jesus spit, made mud to put on a blind guy’s eyes, and told him to go wash in the pool of Siloam. The name of the town that came to be a second home over the next four years is Siloam Springs, after that pool.

At that early date, I was still clueless about how much healing God was going to do in my life. In fact, I didn’t realize how much healing I needed. Looking back at John 9 tonight, I noticed something I hadn’t connected before. In verse 7, John tells us that “Siloam” meant “sent.” I don’t know that I’ve really blogged about it before…but I was definitely sent to JBU—even though I didn’t recognize it as that at the time. I honestly went to the school because a friend at church “just happened” to suggest I look into it, and it’s where I ended up receiving the best financial aid package from, plus having the major I wanted to pursue. I only applied to three schools – so it’s not like I really looked into that many options. But I firmly believe God sent me to exactly the right place!

During my last semester this past spring, as this realization was growing in my mind, I noticed a sign that perfectly summed up why JBU is now such an important part of my life. A couple days after graduation, a good friend of mine from church took me out to Fayetteville for breakfast. As we came back into town, I asked if we could stop to take a picture by the sign. She was kind enough to oblige J

So that’s my story. But it’s really not my story. It’s a story of what GOD has done in my life, through the work of a whole variety of influences. And I can now say that I am thankful for all of it—the parts which were good and beautiful, and even those parts that I don’t understand and which were/still are painful to remember.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And He is ALWAYS faithful to do His work!

Welcome!

Welcome to my new space in the world of the Internet! My goal for this blog is that it will be more than just a stating of what happened in my life (though there will be some of that too, and that's fine). My number one desire in life is to seek after God (at least that's what I want to be number one), and I would like this blog to reflect that aim.

In this light, the rest of my first post will be the essay that I wrote for a college application recently. The prompt question was "What does having a relationship with God mean to you?" In the process of writing that essay, Philippians 3:10 came to mind and, through an impromptu study of Philippians, came alive. Now to the essay:

To me, having a personal relationship with God is the most important goal of my life. Although there are others things that I want to do, I want that to be number one. By some definitions, I already have a relationship with God, because I have received His gift of eternal life which I did not deserve. A true relationship with God, however, is much more than that. It consists of a friendship, which would involve listening to God, talking with Him, and acting in ways which would please Him.

Hearing God comes through reading His word, but not just to do my duty. If my heart is truly seeking to know His will, I will do more than just read a few verses and go on my way, forgetting what I have just read. Earlier this month I went on a senior retreat with the homeschool group I will be graduating with. We had a youth pastor from a local church as our speaker, and his topic was hearing God’s voice. His main point was that listening to God does not only include reading the Bible, it also consists of meditating on what the Bible says, thus applying it to my daily life. I have found this advice helpful, since my Bible reading had typically been just that: reading without any real application. Last night I read through Philippians, and wrote about some of the verses. It amazed me what God showed me, especially since some of it dealt with having a relationship with God.

Although prayers is an important part of my relationship with God, I should not demand things of God, expecting Him to give me what I want when I want it. He knows what is best for me, and His plan is already in place to carry that out. God does tell me, however, to pray for what I desire, though I should do so submissively. Talking with God is not just for asking things of Him, even if it is done in the right attitude. Prayer is also a chance to express my worship, praise, and adoration to God, and to thank Him for all the ways He provides for me.

Besides communication with God, my actions are also an important part of our relationship. When I read through Philippians, God reminded me of several things having to do with how I live my life. One of the verses He used was Philippians 1:6, “He who has begun a good work in you will complete it.” This points out that God started the work, He is doing the work, and He will finish the work. Often times I think that I can do it, that I can help God fix me, but this is not the case. It is His work, not mine. I can’t, He can and will. Philippians 2:13, “For it is God who works in you, both to will and to do for His good pleasure,” demonstrates this same idea. He both plans and executes the work. I can take no credit for what He does in me, often despite my shortcomings.

Philippians 3:10 is what got me started yesterday evening. It says “That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.” I think that this verse really sums up the goal of my life. As I thought about it, I noticed that it talks about resurrection power. I can not have resurrection power if I have not died to self, been conformed to Christ’s death. This is the context of the popular verse “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). That strength is the resurrection power of Christ.

In the end, I can see that God is not through with me yet. I often do not utilize that resurrection power that is available to me, and when I rely on my own flesh I fail. I know, however, that God will continue to work out His plan in my life, and that the process will be easier if I submit to His Spirit. God continues to instruct me, even through answering this question. He has given me His word, He listens to my prayers, and He offers His strength and power to enable me to go out and live a life pleasing to Him. In light of all this, onward we go, “that I may know Him.”