Eleanor was not a typical teenager. Sure, she had dreams and
ambitions like any young person…but she had also been through a set of
experiences which made her unique. Everyone has, but Eleanor’s life made her
think that was more so the case in her instance than in the general populations.
After all, how many “normal” 13-year-olds can lay claim to the adventure of
living in a different country for 6+ months??
Of course, not all the experiences which shaped Eleanor’s
personality were positive. She was a very reserved/withdrawn person. She was
not inclined to go hang out with friends. She frankly hated the phone (I don’t
know why). The friends she did have were all, like her, super focused on and
rather overwhelmed by school. Eleanor was a pretty private person. She didn’t
share herself—especially her weaknesses/failures—easily with anyone. Not
anyone. If she knew I was sharing this, it would make her very uncomfortable.
On the other hand is Ellie. She just graduated from college.
She’s also not a “regular” American 20-something. The ideas of either clothes
shopping for fun or spending long periods of time getting hair and makeup
perfect are—quite frankly—very confusing to her. Ellie is an introvert, and
once in a while if she feels too lost in a big group of people she can just go
into shut down mode. She’s a perfectionist, and expects a lot of herself—she
wants to do things well. In some ways, Ellie is pretty similar to Eleanor.
But at the same time, they are dis-similar. Ellie needs her
alone time, but she also needs time with her friends. And that can be either on
Skype, texting, or in a phone conversation! In college (especially the last two
years), Ellie frequently made the choice to toss her homework aside for “later”
while she spent time with friends. That’s something Eleanor couldn’t conceive
of. Ellie also values other people’s input, and she is more willing to share
about what she struggles with. She often finds herself questioning what other
people think of her—but she has close friends who she trusts completely and
with whom she finds it easy to be open.
So here we have these two different people. But if you know
me very well, you probably picked up on the fact that these are not
actually two separate girls. It’s just me, though at two very different times
of my life. It’s amazing what a difference 5+ years can make. And believe me,
it’s been quite the process. And not always a fun one, that’s for sure. But as
I look back, I am thankful for where God has brought me and how He has grown
me.
I’ve noticed just in the past 6ish months that I have become
a lot more confident—I think in a good way. Last summer, when I interned in DC,
my supervisor’s main negative critique on a feedback form was that I was
hesitant to step up and introduce myself to people. Now, I certainly don’t
claim to have reached perfection on that. As I said above, I’m still an
introvert. But I am currently on my second work trip where I go to a location
and have the job of interviewing people most of whom I have never met before.
(True, I was freaking out/worried about it before Joplin…but that trip went
amazingly well and gave me a big confidence boost!) Not to mention that when I
came to this job, I knew basically no one. Are there still moments when I am
not as outgoing as I sometimes wish I were? Oh yeah, for sure. Ellie is still a
perfectionist with high self-expectations! And it’s still an area where I can
grow.
But that’s not the only type of confidence I’ve grown in.
I’ve also learned to be more self-confident, especially in the area of opening
up to the people I trust and sharing my bad times in addition to the good
times. And I’ve learned the immense value of friends who will take time to meet
you where you’re at and join you on the journey, wherever life has you at the
moment. I didn’t have that before I came to college. It wasn’t the fault of the
friends I had, it was much more my fault. I didn’t really let any of my
friendships in high school get past a pretty shallow “safe zone,” because I
didn’t trust people—not anyone specifically, I just didn’t trust anybody in
general.
Including God. Which is still hard for me to admit. I only
just realized that component of it in January, when the professor for my
“Capstone Seminar in Christian Life” class asked us to write “Here I Am” papers discussing our spiritual biographies. Well…I had started to be aware of
it a couple months prior when one day, reading through Psalm 139 I realized
that I couldn’t say verses 14 and 16 with belief and conviction. Then in January I realized when the breakdown had begun. There was
still a lot of hurt and pain I was holding onto—and still am sometimes—a truth
I only started realizing fully in April. One day that month, tears flowed as I
finally came to grips with and grieved the emotional/spiritual damage done nearly 10 years before
to my young self.
To explain the source of that would take too long here…and
it would require telling a tale that is 90% not mine to tell. Suffice it to say
that although it was not my personal actions or choices which caused the vast
majority of what happened, it 100% had an effect on shaping who I am. It deeply
impacted me, my family, and other people. And it was hard. And it was painful.
And I still feel the resulting wounds. No, I was not a helpless victim in the
process. I chose how I responded and acted, and even though I was only 13 at
the time and didn’t understand what was happening or how it was affecting me, I
am still responsible for the choices I made. {Just to clarify, I was never
directly targeted or physically harmed in any way. This was not a physical
incident at all, it was “only” relational. And I was a fairly uninvolved
bystander who was nevertheless heavily affected by the fallout.}
I now believe that it was my disappointment that God didn’t
“fix” everything and put it back to the way that it had been which led to my
spiritual “dark age” of 2003 and beyond. And I believe it was my resulting
trickle-down distrust of people—in addition to personality tendencies such as
perfection—that led to me building a fortress stronghold all around my heart.
If I didn’t let anybody in, I couldn’t get hurt, right? If I guarded my
emotions and didn’t tell anyone what I struggled with, I would be safer,
wouldn’t I? Looking back, I think that’s what my unconscious thought process
was.
This obviously affected my whole life—all of my
relationships. God, parents, friends—I tried to keep all at a safe distance,
tried to make sure that I always only put my best foot forward. It was
emotionally and spiritually exhausting, and I felt so very lonely. But for such
a long time, I didn’t realize where the breakdown had occurred. Oh, I knew
there was a problem. I just didn’t know how to fix it. And my way (trying harder)
was NOT working.
But God didn’t leave me there. Finally, on Jan. 25, 2011 His message of GRACE broke through loud and clear. It has still often seemed like a
long/tedious/difficult/painful process since then…but once God got my vertical
relationship onto the foundation that it should be on, my horizontal
relationships also started shifting.
August 28, 2009 was my second day of classes at John Brown
University as a pretty clueless freshman. It was also my first regular chapel,
the first of many many in my undergraduate career! But I will always remember
that chapel. President Pollard spoke, as he always does on the first chapel of
the semester. He shared from John 9, about the miracle where Jesus spit, made
mud to put on a blind guy’s eyes, and told him to go wash in the pool of
Siloam. The name of the town that came to be a second home over the next four
years is Siloam Springs, after that pool.
At that early date, I was still clueless about how much
healing God was going to do in my life. In fact, I didn’t realize how much
healing I needed. Looking back at John 9 tonight, I noticed something I hadn’t
connected before. In verse 7, John tells us that “Siloam” meant “sent.” I don’t
know that I’ve really blogged about it before…but I was definitely sent to
JBU—even though I didn’t recognize it as that at the time. I honestly went to
the school because a friend at church “just happened” to suggest I look into
it, and it’s where I ended up receiving the best financial aid package from,
plus having the major I wanted to pursue. I only applied to three schools – so
it’s not like I really looked into that many options. But I firmly believe God
sent me to exactly the right place!
During my last semester this past spring, as this
realization was growing in my mind, I noticed a sign that perfectly summed up
why JBU is now such an important part of my life. A couple days after
graduation, a good friend of mine from church took me out to Fayetteville for
breakfast. As we came back into town, I asked if we could stop to take a
picture by the sign. She was kind enough to oblige J
So that’s my story. But it’s really not my story. It’s a
story of what GOD has done in my life, through the work of a whole variety of
influences. And I can now say that I am thankful for all of it—the parts which
were good and beautiful, and even those parts that I don’t understand and which
were/still are painful to remember.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And He
is ALWAYS faithful to do His work!
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