This summer, the idea of trust has become even more
important, if possible, because it is even more real/pressing—and yet also
harder for me mentally and emotionally. I’ve got these options in front of me,
as I talked about in a previous post.
I just looked back at it and realized that in some ways, I’m just rewriting
that same post here. But it’s another step in the journey. Anyway, back on July
11 I went up the mountain and journaled for quite a while, laying out my three
options and trying to sort through it all rationally. Then I went up higher on
the mountain, half expecting God to have some definite answer for me. I climbed
up on top of a rock, kind of waiting for the writing in the clouds. I know, it
sounds silly. And it was, as well as demanding.
What I felt in my soul was not at all the answer I was
looking for. The only thing I heard in my heart was “Trust Me.” And honestly, I
was annoyed and disappointed. It took me a little while to realize that this
time, for the first time that I remember, it had been a directive/command
rather than a question. It’s kind of like God has proved His faithfulness over
and over, and that He’s now asking me to keep stepping forward in faith, even
when I don’t have the definite answers I want.
Through God’s Grace and the continuing working of the Holy
Spirit in me, this sunk deeply into my soul. Because of that, when last Monday
was so hard, I was able to eventually stop, back up, refocus my perspective on
Him, and say “God, I don’t get what You’re doing, but I want to choose to trust
You anyway.” And that was the fruit of His Spirit, because that’s not what I
was feeling like doing at all.
So yeah – I left on my trip to New York. And as I was
driving down to Charlotte that Wednesday, I heard a program on the radio and
one of the things the speaker talked about was how heaven is a prepared place
for a prepared people—how God’s primary goal in our lives is to conform us to
the image of His Son. That really resonated with me. The Holy Spirit used that
to show me, once again, that my perspective for the past few months has been
really off. I’ve been so focused on what I am going to do with MY life, when
what I should be focused on is the greater picture of what God is doing
throughout the world, including—in a minuscule part—in and through me.
On Sunday, that reminder returned. From my reading through a
really great devotional on 1 Corinthians 13 before church, God called me to
take some time to really search my heart before Him and to intentionally
confess recurrent sin patterns in my life. That’s something I really haven’t
done much before, except rather superficially. That afternoon, I climbed up the
mountain and found a place to do just that. I wasn’t excited about doing it,
because of the whole having to admit my failures thing—even though I know God
knows them, and even though I know they have already been forgiven and that He
is not sitting over me in an attitude of judgment.
After a little while of doing that and praying through some
things, I felt a sense of release—that God had shown me what He wanted to for
that day. I know it will be an ongoing process. As I leaned back against a
rock, I experienced a greater sense of peace and a better outlook on everything
that had happened this summer. And for the first time, I was able to practice
thanksgiving—for the ups and the downs. I tweeted my “Lesson of the Day” from
that – “I choose to trust Him because I DO know what He's doing—conforming me
to His Son's image—even if I don't understand/like His methods.” Because the
process still doesn’t FEEL easy or fun! It’s still hard.
So Sunday evening I was really thankful for God’s continued
faithfulness in my life, and reminded of how much broader of a perspective I am
called to have. I was encouraged, but I was also really apprehensive about how the
next day would go at the office. The last time I came back to the office after
a trip out to the field, I had a really tough day. Lots of discontentment. So Monday
morning during our staff devotions, I felt that nauseated feeling again,
wondering how the day would go.
I went to my cubicle and started plugging away. I had lots
to do – two hours of interview recordings from NY to transcribe so that I could
write a story, plus sending some emails to try to gather more information to
write an article about work one of our field offices is doing. I don’t remember
whether it was mid-morning or mid-afternoon…but at one point I was walking back
to my desk from refilling my water bottle, and I suddenly realized that I was
completely at peace and had been ever since I started my work for the day.
It helped a lot that I knew exactly what to work on and
didn’t have to wonder what to do….but I firmly believe the peace that I
experienced yesterday went much deeper than that. I definitely believe it was
an answer to the prayers of so many people who have been encouraging me
throughout this process. On Saturday evening, as I was praying/reflecting, I
asked God in prayer—really for the first time—“What is it that You would have
me to do?” Sure, I’d been fretting about it all, and I’d been talking about
waiting to see what God had for me, but I don’t think I had honestly just asked
Him what He wanted.
And yes, it is a choice that He may leave up to me. But
right now, I can’t make that choice because there are no doors that are
definitely opened. And yesterday, there was no new information about where I’ll
be headed 14 days from now. While my mind is still definitely keeping close
tabs on the fact that I do feel a lot of pressure because of that, God is
bringing me to a place where I am beginning to learn to be ok with that and to truly
wait patiently for His timing in opening or closing doors.
I know there will still be ups and downs. That’s inevitable.
But I write all this as an Ebenezer,
a reminder of what God has done in my life and the journey He has brought me
through. On Monday at work, “Hold On” played on my Pandora. And it pretty much summed up how I was feeling. Like I
said at the beginning of this, it’s been a stormy seven weeks. But God has
proved so very faithful, often despite my attitude. And I hope—and seek to
trust His timing even in the midst of that hope—that the sun is beginning to
break through J
I certainly appreciate your continued prayers!!!!! Primarily
that my focus would be on God’s glory rather than being so wrapped up in my
circumstantial worries. God gave me an object lesson on that too, on August 4
when I was out hiking with my parents. We were on a rough trail (the part I
took a picture of was super smooth compared to most of what we went on, but we
had finished the rough part when I thought of the analogy), and I found myself
with my eyes constantly focused downward. And that’s what staring at and trying
to figure out all the details of life does. It detracts from looking around at
the beauty of what God is doing, or even more importantly, from looking up to
glory and delight in WHO HE IS! So that is my prayer going forward. May I
remember HIM first and foremost.
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