In the past week/month, God has used a variety of things to
call me out on something which has been an issue in my life for the past several
years: Where am I looking for support & fulfillment & satisfaction?
Of course, I know what the answer ought to be – I should be
looking to God for those things. But the reality is that over the last
weeks/months/even a couple of years, I have been looking to the people around
me. Back in high school, I was looking to myself—building walls keeping others out. Neither of these two personal realities is good on their own. I
cannot satisfy myself, and other people cannot either. Only God can.
But that requires trusting Him, even when we
know that His plans may take us through tough times. I don’t quite know how to
articulate this….but in the past couple years my relational life has done a
pendulum swing. I started in high school with not letting anyone in….in the
middle of college I was maybe closer to a balanced center of finding love and
satisfaction in the grace of God….and in the past year the pendulum swung to
leaning too heavily on people around me.
Part of the latter is a symptom of the sinful distrust in
God which has tried to sprout in my heart as things have not gone as I thought they should since
graduation. It’s been a crazy year, full of roller coaster ups and downs. And
especially in the months here in Uganda, I’ve been looking to individual people
to fulfill my needs rather than truly finding my strength in God alone.
As I said in the first paragraph, God’s been giving me a
wakeup call on that. He’s opened my eyes to better see the consequences of me
seeking satisfaction primarily from other people. And writing this post isn’t
to say I have it perfectly figured out. But I hope that in the coming weeks I
will be less needy/demanding and more intentionally caring/loving toward those
around me.
Early last month, I read the first chapter of a women’s
devotional book[1]
that I had “just happened” to find and download for my Kindle app. And it
contained a message I greatly needed to hear…but even in the weeks between then
and now I have been a very very slow learner in practicing what it taught/reminded
me.
In that chapter, Beth Moore tells her readers that she has
discovered “what makes life work.” Taking verses from Deuteronomy 7, Colossians
3, and Psalm 63, she challenges us to think about if we have truly taken God as
our God, if He is truly our refuge and strength. We should yearn to have
relationship and intimacy with Him, not out of a discipline or “have to”
attitude, but because we hunger for Him.
“God made our souls to long for Him, and we are not fully
satisfied without His presence in our lives,” she writes. She goes on to say
that just because we have received salvation through Christ does not guarantee
that we are choosing to receive our fulfillment from Him. We can be saved and
yet still trying to “do life” by our own power.
She continues, “We are not satisfied by simply accepting
salvation and then ascending to heaven when the time comes. Instead, God wants
us to have a relationship with Him during our lifetime.” This is certainly
something that I have struggled with, because (especially in high school) I
often wished I could just escape this life and be done with it all. I just
wanted to be home free, in God’s presence. But I’m not. I’m still here.
Rereading this chapter yesterday (when I wrote this) I was again convicted about how
much I have tried the two “alternatives” she talks about: “subsistence living”
(begging others to fill the vacuum only Christ was meant to fill) and
“substitute living” (turning to idols rather than to Christ). Neither of which truly satisfies.
Her application is that we must daily make the choice to very intentionally seek the
fulfillment of our needs from God, especially partaking of the food He has
given us (His Word) and seeking to have that abide in us. It’s only then that
we can be solid and secure, whether people are loving and helpful (which is
still nice!) or whether people let us down (which they sometimes/often will, because they are
human).
Beth Moore concludes that God’s love is totally unconditional and perfect, and
it is better than life (Ps. 63:3). God loved us so much that He sent His Son to
die for us – and that’s why we know that He can be trusted to supply our daily
needs. All we need to do is ask!
The weekend before I read this chapter, I had come across
this blog post about hungering for God. As I read this
young woman’s raw writing, I felt my own heart convicted…and so I began to pray a
similar prayer. But in the weeks since then, as God
has allowed a variety of circumstances which have tested my response, over and
over I have thrown self-pity parties or gone running to people rather than
turning to Him. And that is a sin against Him (and others) which I have had to
confess this week.
And even though this week has been another hard week,
following up on weeks and months of challenges, changes, uncertainties….this
time He got my priorities a little straighter. I went to God first. Did it
still hurt/cause confusion? For sure. Did I still cry while talking to my mom on
the phone about stuff? Oh yeah, I did. Is it still a battle not to be consumed
with questioning “why???” or “what if?” and trying to figure out how to make
things work my way? Yes, it definitely is.
But I was also able to come to a place—at least for one moment the other morning—where I submitted myself in prayer to whatever God has. And where I found peace in Him. And I pray that I can continue to abide in the Truth and security I found in that moment, no matter how the storms may rage. Because He is the only valid source of true satisfaction.
[1] A Woman and Her God, ©2003 – each
chapter by a different author
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