Singing Be Thou My Vision in Saul Church, St. Patrick’s
first church in Ireland, with our missions team felt so special. Because I love
that old hymn, I wasn’t content with the first verse. I led out on all the
verses.
Fast forward nine years. I was in the same place with the
same team leader, this time on a friendship retreat. When it came time to sing,
she specified that we’d only sing the first verse.
I was crushed. Not just because of what she said, but
because of what she didn’t say. I felt like her request was a direct critique
of my choice the first time. A memory that had been full of peace and joy from
my first trip became tainted with regret.
Regret.
Such a beast it is, and so hard to get rid of once it takes
root in a memory.
This past week I’ve been wrestling that very beast. The
enemy’s been bringing up instances in which I didn’t do something perfectly or
did something wrong. To be honest, I can’t remember even one example other than
what I opened with.
I talked with my counselor about this on Friday, and he gave
me a good process to help work through those feelings: Identify the mixture
(Bad? Sad? Mad?), grieve as needed, confess sin to God, and forgive myself by agreeing
with God’s forgiveness of me.
Then on Saturday, Paraclete took a turn.
If I ask you what Romans 3:23 says, I’m quite sure you could
quote it:
“…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…”
But what if I ask you what the next verse says? Do you know
that one as well?
YouVersion had both verses as their verse of the day
on Saturday. And even though I know I’ve read Romans 3 multiple times in my
life, I was blown away by verse 24:
“…and are justified by His grace as a gift, through the
redemption that is in Christ Jesus…”
I put ellipses on both ends of each of those verses because
this section (vs. 21-26) is one of Paul’s famous run-on sentences. And it’s not
all about the bad news of vs. 23. It’s chock-full of amazing, good news!
Yes, the bad news is important to know. It’s valid to
teach to ‘children’ of all ages (including adults). But if we don’t give them
the rest of the passage – that God’s righteousness comes to us through belief
and faith in Christ’s redemption – vs. 23 alone is a depressing, guilt- and
regret-filled statement, that may lead to striving and legalism.
We need the whole passage:
21 But now the righteousness of
God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the
Prophets bear witness to it— 22 the righteousness
of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there
is no distinction: 23 for all have sinned and
fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are
justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in
Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward
as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to
show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed
over former sins. 26 It was to show his
righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier
of the one who has faith in Jesus.
Look at the repeated themes!
Vs. 23 is a blip on the screen, to shore up the argument
Paul develops that “there is no distinction” between Jews and Gentiles. Yes,
it’s an important, theologically sound blip. But this passage is about so much
more than the bad news. It’s full of hope, not of regret.
So the next time the enemy tries to rankle your soul with
thoughts of something you did wrong (or even just imperfectly) in the past,
listen for what the Holy Spirit says instead. You are righteous by Christ’s
redemption, received by faith. If Paraclete is the one prompting you to work
through something legitimate, do it! But don’t just wallow in regret like I
have for six years since that second trip to Ireland. Be free of past mistakes
in Christ!
When I was getting ready for the day yesterday, this song played on my Pandora. I'd heard it a few times before, but in the context of what I'd been learning, it really hit home!
Today my counselor and I got onto the subject of regulating and expressing emotions.
{I love my counselor, she is very much a Biblical Counselor, not just a nominally Christian counselor like some of the ones I have gone to in the past. Ellen actually uses Scripture with me, every time - and she opens and closes us in prayer, every time. She is also incredibly affirming and encouraging ... at least most of the time. But she's also not afraid to call me out on something when she senses the need!}
This evening, after we'd been talking about some various life circumstances, she took us to James 4:1-3. I won't say this nearly as eloquently as she did, but I'm going to try and share with you the lesson that she shared with me from that passage. And yes, I do have her permission to blog about and publish this! :)
Our regulator as believers is the Spirit of Christ indwelling in us, she shared. And by Him indwelling us, it doesn't just mean that He lives inside of us; but also that He fills every part of us.
In James 4, the author paints a picture of people who were very *dys*regulated. They were fighting and quarreling because of the {fleshly} desires battling within them. They were going to the extent of killing {I would guess in a Matthew 5:22-sense} just because they could not get what they desired. Their covetousness led to fights and quarrels. Why? Because they weren't asking God for what they desired; or when they did ask, they asked selfishly (with wrong motives), wanting to spend what they got on their {fleshly} pleasures.
It is a serious inditement, and all the more so because James wrote this strong warning to believers!!
Ellen pointed out that just because the Spirit of Christ indwells us, does not guarantee that we'll be surrendered to Him and subject to His controlling influence. He does not force Himself upon us, but rather waits for us to call upon Him. {Sometimes I wish that were the other way around!!}
When she asked me what I was hearing from what she said, as she often does, I said that it made me think of a thermostat {thus the title - a thermostat for our inner emotional hearts is a heart-ostat, right?}.
To further tease out the analogy I was thinking of, Paraclete is like a thermostat because unless I tap into Him, He doesn't regulate my emotional climate. But when I do turn toward Him and ask for help {setting the thermostat}, He is so very capable of controlling the entire HVAC system of my heart.
People without Christ's Spirit indwelling them don't have that heart-ostat available to them. They may be able to regulate their own emotions somewhat, but nothing can replace the divine regulation that is available to believers in whom the Holy Spirit resides.
When I choose to allow Paraclete to regulate the expression of my emotions, it's not just about me! It's also a witness to the watching spiritual hosts, and quite probably also a witness to people around me too. I don't want to be someone who stuffs all my emotions OR blows them all out of proportion. I need Him in me, the hope of glory, that HIS power may show forth in and through my weaknesses!
So, that's what I have to share tonight. Thanks for reading and caring! :)
This song has been stuck re-echoing through my head the past several days, ever since I heard Brandon & Maverick City Music perform it live last Saturday at Life Surge (a "pep rally for Christians" as my mom termed it :)).
To be honest, it's been a challenging month for me.
In my previous post, I talked about the positive anniversary of Jan. 25th, 2011. What I left out mentioning was the negative 4th anniversary of Jan. 24, 2018 the day before. Between that date of my mental breakdown and my departure from Uganda on April 4, I was ..... in limbo I guess. I rarely consciously choose to think about those weeks, because they are still painful memories. But this post is not about that.
As I was saying, it's been a challenging month. BUT GOD. He continues to work, even in the midst of my brokenness, weakness, and failings. And this song has been calling me to shift my perspective from everything that is wrong to the MANY things I can praise God for.
"So I'll throw up my hands and praise You again and again."
Here's the beginnings of a list ... because I need to reinstitute this practice in my life!
Father God's constant love and grace toward me.
Our Savior's faithfulness, that He is gentle and lowly and understands us in our weakness from His 33-ish years of experience with temptation.
Paraclete, using Scripture passages and songs like this to woo back my heart.
Tom's excellent sermon on Sunday at CBC, talking about how the indwelling of Paraclete is the guarantee of our inheritance, the assurance of our salvation.
Life Surge was a really neat event - I had the opportunity to hear Nick Vujicic, Willie Robertson, Priscilla Shirer and other speakers in person. I am definitely glad I went!
I'm *immensely* grateful for my friends, my coworkers, my mentors, my counselor, my doctor, etc! They both support me in spite of my shortcomings, but also call me not to stay in that place. They shoot straight, not coddling me when what I need is a wakeup call.
This week, two negative things happened to my car, and my "Dallas grandpa" had to do a repair of an older fender bender in order for my car to hopefully pass inspection. But I'm grateful to one of the deacons from my church for helping me replace a flat tire Monday night, and to the said adoptive grandpa for working on my car for me yesterday.
On the same note, I'm thankful that the lady whose car I slid into this morning on the way to work is fine and that her car is too. Praying that once she sees that, she won't file anything with my insurance!
I appreciate the book we've been reading for our CBC Young Adults' Group, Gentle and Lowly which I "just happened" to read this morning before heading to work - and which is helping inform the second bullet point.
I'm grateful for my newest coworker, who is also a huge encourager and a great hugger!
Praising God for good sleep recently, that is certainly a blessing!!
As much as I gripe about my weight loss program internally, I'm thankful for the progress being made in that area.
That even when we are under spiritual attack, we can fight from a place of victory ALREADY won!!
For a fun time talking with my "sister" Sarah about her well-written book that she is sharing with me.
I could/should think of many many more things .... but for tonight I think that's enough of a starter :)
I don't know quite where to start - other than with the goodness of God's Grace :)
The back story to this post will be on my mental health journey blog, hopefully by mid-March. Then I'll link to it here. But I don't want to wait to celebrate what God is doing in the present.
This morning, I woke up around 4 a.m. and didn't fall back asleep. I was expecting this ... I am sharing a special devotional/spiritual object lesson with my coworkers and I really want it to go well!!!
But as a result, I made a good choice that it has taken me a long time (too long) to make consistently:
I read the next paragraph in Colossians 1. I had started the end of October, and had only done it twice since then. Personal devotions and prayer have been a struggle I have not been winning for many months. I've let other things crowd those two critical things out. On Saturday and yesterday evening I admitted this to one of my best friends and to my counselor ... and both of them are actively encouraging me to make a point of getting back into daily, personal relationship with God!!
This morning in Colossians, the verse that most stood out to me was 1:6b - "Since the day you heard and knew the grace of God in truth." That verse is especially poignant to me on today, January 25th. You see, it was 11 years ago today that Paraclete's light of GRACE broke into the cell of legalism where I had chained my heart. Click the link on "January 25th" above to read more about that :)
So it was very sweet of God to bring me back to just the paragraph that held that fragment of a verse.
I want to believe that God is continually doing a new thing in my life & soul. In some ways, it's been a long three years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and there are still things that I need to surrender back to God and trust Him with & leave it there. I hope and choose to trust that this morning is a baby step back in that direction!!!
Also, thanks to all the men who shared in our church service on Sunday at Community Bible Chapel - Paraclete definitely used each of you in working on my heart!!
On Thursday, by the help of Paraclete, I finally confessed
& repented of the fear & distrust I’ve been harboring toward God for a
few years now. If you’re surprised to hear me admit that, I think I’ve been a “horrifically
‘good’ hypocrite.” If you’re not surprised, consider yourself privileged that I
didn’t try to hide it from you too.
The back story that led up to Thurs night will appear on the
blog of my journey with bipolar later … but for now I wanted to leave this here
as a testimony to God’s faithfulness.
Because He helped me to finally lift up my eyes from the deep
hurt I was clinging to {the “that” of the 2nd line of the quote}. This is what
I wrote in my journal as I chose with His enabling, helping hand to change
perspective.
Sure, work is still hectic. Yes, I still have bipolar. But I’m
done acting like an abused victim! I’m done charading around trying to cover
over a heart full of pain & darkness.
But God, that is NOT what I want to choose to believe
about You.
But God, those are the lies of the enemy rather than Your
true truth.
But God, You have promised in Your Word to
work all things for good to those who love You & are called by You.
But God, I believe I am called and redeemed by Your grace
& mercy, regardless of how much I want to run away.
But God, please whisper Your truth into my soul; draw
me back into abiding trust & sweet communion in You!
But God, I don’t want to live this lousy hypocritical life any
more. I am not living with integrity before You!
But God, I confess this to You.
But God, cause my eyes to see You as You truly are
and to repent in sackcloth & ashes.
But God, You ARE the Kintsugi Artist who redeems & restores
that which You did not lightly allow to break.
But God, my hope & joy are in Jesus Christ, NOT
in my circumstances!*
But God, YOU are worthy.
…
Praise You, Paraclete. Only You could turn something
so big & scary into something so beautiful & sacred!
I declare that I am nothing without You in my life.
You are worthy & I praise You for Your perfect goodness—and I choose
to root my trust back into You. I cannot keep that commitment on my own, But
God, You are exceedingly, abundantly able to equip me with the humility
of surrender. I believe You!
*A paraphrase from one of Elizabeth’s prayers in the movie
War Room.
I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I seek to replow
the ground of my heart & mind. It’s been rutted pretty deeply over the past
3.5-5 years into some negative thought patterns – but NOTHING is impossible for
my God!!!!!
Yesterday, for the first time in about six months, I pulled
my Bible off my shelf for individual, personal Bible study. And it was sweet!
This morning, I fell back into the rut and didn’t think of
doing that until after I had been at work for a few hours.
But tomorrow is a new day!! And I serve a patient, faithful
God!!
In my car, the radio is pretty much always on to 94.9 KLTY, a local Christian station. It feels like in different seasons there's a song that plays every time I get in the car, even if it's just my 10-minute commute to work.
Recently, it's been this song:
Initially, I honestly resented this song a bit. The past three years have been challenging for me spiritually, not something I've usually been willing to rejoice & praise God in. And now, with my upcoming (Lord willing) visit to Uganda, all that heart crud that can usually hide beneath the surface is getting stirred up.
But on my way home from ministry group (church small group) this evening, as I got close to my parents' house where I needed to pick up a couple things, this song played again. And this time, Paraclete showered down grace---and I received the song with a heart of hope. As I listened to this song, I found myself hoping and praying. I found myself begging God, "Please let me see that song be true in my life next month!"
But then I wondered why I felt like I needed to beg God for that and plead with Him to make it come to pass. Isn't that exactly what He desires to do, to heal, to redeem?
And so by grace & in faith I intentionally shifted my prayer---"Lord, give me the humility to receive Your healing!" And I knew I needed to dust this blog off and report on what God is doing, the seed He is planting in my heart of positive change.
It's like the chives & hibiscus plant in my garden here at my new place. Last weekend when I went to plant the small hibiscus shrub I had bought several week before, I first cleared the area of weeds, mostly chives that had been allowed to run wild. Or at least I thought I cleared it!!
When I started digging the hole "as deep as and slightly larger than the pot," guess what I found right beneath the surface? A matted, entangled, enmeshed network of chives roots & bulbs. I threw away the top three inches of soil, because I knew I didn't want those roots back in the hole with my poor hibiscus plant!!
The lies I believed They got some roots that run deep
I let em take a hold of my life
I let em take control of my life
The same is true with secreted resentment and bitterness. They're like the chive roots that have already sprung back up all around my hibiscus plant, that parts where I didn't dig those three inches deep to dig them out.
But God.
Standing in Your presence Lord
I can feel You diggin' all the roots up
I can feel Ya healin' all my wounds up
All I can say is hallelujah
Look what You've done
It's my hope and prayer that in the next month, as I spend two weeks with my dearly loved Ugandan sisters (towards whom I hold no hard feelings) and the others (some of whom I have struggled to forgive), that God will do just this.
Will the process be fun? Probably not always.
Will it be worth it? I believe so, definitely.
Please join me in praying the truths of this song over me in the coming four weeks!!!
I was up at 3 a.m. this morning, making herbal "Sleep Tea" that I had bought from a friend-of-a-friend, after waking up at 2 and having a fruitless hour of trying to fall back asleep.
I grabbed this mug because of its large size, but seeing what it said reminded me of a post I've been meaning to write!
Back on Jan. 19th, I was responsible for leading the daily prayer time at my workplace. I had contacted some of our workers for prayer requests, but only received two responses - not enough to keep us occupied for half an hour.
Then I looked at my Verse-a-day calendar on my desk, and it had the verse above -- and so I went with a bit of a longer devotional before the prayer time.
So, Nehemiah 8:10 - we all know it, even if we don't know the reference. "The Joy of the Lord is your strength." A positive, encouraging verse, right? Yes, but even more so if you know the context!
Anyone out there know the context of this verse?
Anyone?
{There was silence when I asked this question in the devotional time.}
So I took us back to the context, something I had noticed a few years ago (probably when I was reading through Nehemiah!) and that has stuck with me every time I've seen or heard that verse since.
After Nehemiah and company had rebuilt the wall of Jerusalem, there came a day when Ezra read the law to the people from morning until midday, with other priests there to explain the meaning (Neh. 8:1-7).
Nehemiah continues:
"They read from the book, from the Law of God, clearly, and they gave the sense, so that the people understood the reading. And Nehemiah, who was the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, 'This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn or weep.' For all the people wept as they heard the words of the Law" (8:8-9).
I don't know about for you, but this doesn't seem to me like the context for a go-to voice on Joy!
But that's not all - look at the majority of verse 10, the part that never gets quoted:
"Then he said to them, 'Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength'" (Neh. 8:10).
Nehemiah and Ezra shared this line with a people who were grieving over the ways they had fallen short of what the law required!!
As New Covenant believers, we are no longer under the same set of laws and demands that the Israelites were. But what can we learn from their example?
I think too often we use this verse as a band aid or a somewhat trite expression to try and encourage someone. But what if, to really help our friends, we urged them to acknowledge and confess the ways they have fallen short, and then to find new strength in the joy of God’s forgiveness? What if we made confession like the Israelite's a regular practice among ourselves?
Then I walked through the definitions of 'confession,' from good ol' dictionary.com:
noun
acknowledgment; avowal; admission: a confession of incompetence.
acknowledgment or disclosure of sin or sinfulness, especially to a priest to obtain absolution.
something that is confessed.
a formal, usually written, acknowledgment of guilt by a person accused of a crime.
Also called confession of faith: a formal profession of belief and acceptance of doctrines, as before being admitted to church membership.
As a Protestant, I don't believe that confession to a priest is necessary to obtain absolution. And, I had forgotten about the positive sense of confession, indicated in the 5th point.
I then read the following prayer of confession from a church in Indiana, a combination of two separate ones the pastor had shared on the church's blog:
"Holy and merciful God, in your presence we confess our sinfulness, our shortcomings, and our offenses against you. You alone know how often we have sinned in wandering from your ways, in wasting your gifts, in forgetting your love. Have mercy on us, O Lord, for we are ashamed and sorry for all we have done to displease you. Cleanse us from all our offenses, and deliver us from proud thoughts and vain desires. With lowliness and meekness may we draw near to you, confessing our faults, confiding in your grace, and finding in you our refuge and strength; through Jesus Christ your Son. Amen."
And then I just opened up the floor for a couple people to pray their own personal prayers of confession, and then we launched into praying for a couple of our workers.
So, thanks for reading!! This is something that has been meaningful to me--as I said, for a couple years--and having thought through it a little more concretely recently, I wanted to share it on here!
I don’t know exactly how this post is going to come
out…….I’m still in the messiness of processing this, and writing is usually my
best way of processing. So here goes.
It was a couple weeks ago, the day I read Luke 15 in
preparation for Bible Study that evening, and thinking about what I wrote in my
previous blog post. I went out for a walk with the baby I’m nannying, and it
wasn’t long before Paraclete walloped me on the side of the head with it:
You’ve been acting a lot like the older son this past year.
And it’s true. There have been various moments in the past year+
when I’ve internally cried out the questions to God…“I was doing what I thought
You called me to do. What happened?? What more do You want from me? Why did You
take it all away? I don’t deserve…”
Do you hear the voice of the elder son there? ‘All these
years I have served you, and you never even gave me a small party.’ As if
service and outward obedience earn the right to demand fair recompense.
Part of me wishes we knew more of this story—how long had
the elder son harbored such bitterness and resentment in his heart? How did he
respond to his father after this? Did he stay the same, hard and unforgiving?
Or did he repent?
But Jesus had evidently done what He intended with the story
as is.
We know that His hearers at the time, the Pharisees, didn’t
take to heart the application of the story. They didn’t change their attitude –
they still hated Jesus for what He claimed and preached, and they still ended
up killing Him as their attempted solution.
But what about someone like me, who never set out to harbor
resentment and feelings of injustice towards God? Someone who comes to see the
folly and selfishness of such a heart attitude? What am I to do to change and
not be like that anymore?
I think the answer to that question actually takes us back
to the other two parables in Luke 15, which each follow a very similar pattern.
Something is lost, the owner searches and finds it, a celebration ensues, and
the parables end with the statement “I say to you, there is joy in the presence
of the angels of God over one sinner who repents” (vs. 10, vs. 7 is similar).
But really, what did a sheep and a coin do to repent? What
could they do? They don’t even have enough sense to try to be found. It was all up to the owner to find what was lost,
and yet the final verse compares them to a repentant sinner.
Maybe repentance has a lot less to do with me and my ability
to return to God than I would like to think.
So how should I respond when the Holy Spirit points out
something like this?
I guess the first step would be to confess it—to agree with
God that what He said is true. And then to repent of it—to trust God for the
grace and strength to stop resenting Him for what I don’t have and instead
believe His promises of all the good things He has given me.
Easy to say, hard for my prideful flesh to be willing to do.
At the root of such bitterness as the elder brother showed
is belief in a falsehood: That I deserve commendation and reward for my good
behavior. What is the truth about every single one of us? What do we truly
deserve? Only God’s condemnation and punishment for our sins against a
perfectly righteous God. All else is only by grace.
I want and expect promises of comfort and ease—but that’s
not what Christ gave. He promised that we would have trouble in this life (John
16:33), and yet in the same breath He promised His peace. So why do I try to
stiff arm the challenges? In so doing, I also reject the lessons God has for me
in those experiences.
Can I learn and choose instead to embrace whatever He has
for me, knowing that He is a good Father and so whatever He sends must also be
for my good? Not a journey that my heart has made much progress on….though I
know and believe it to be true.
Like I said – I’m still in the midst of processing this. I
don’t have the application all neatly packaged up and ready to be implemented….Lord
help me to have the humility to submit to You and repent!
Once upon a time, there was a man with two sons. The older
son was dutifully obedient, but the younger son was willful and independent.
One day, the younger son grew tired of living in his father’s home. After
demanding his share of the family inheritance, he went away to a far country.
There he lived extravagantly for a time….until the money ran
out. Then down to the depths he plunged, the depths of feeding pigs. Here he
realized his folly and thought out a plan: to return and ask to serve his father
as a servant.
As he neared home, his father came running to meet him.
There was no criticism or judgment, only love and acceptance. A great party was
quickly prepared to celebrate the son’s homecoming.
When the older brother came in after a long day in the
fields, the festivities caught him by surprise. On finding out the reason, he
utterly refused to join in. The father left the party to plead with him—but the
son angrily responded,
“I’ve been serving you for years, never breaking a single
command. But you never gave me even a little party with my friends. Then this
rascal shows back up, having wasted everything you gave him, and you pull out
all the stops—for him!”
The father answered,
“You are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It
was right to rejoice at the homecoming of one who we thought was dead!”
How did the older son respond? What happened next? We don’t
know for sure, because that’s where Jesus ended His parable of the Lost Son in
Luke 15.
I’ve been thinking about this parable the past few days,
because a Bible study group I am part of looked at Luke 15 last Thursday.
Reading the chapter, listening to a children’s version of the story, and
discussing it with the group recalled to my mind another study I had taken part
in, years ago.
That book/video series was Tim Keller’s The Prodigal God. It’s been so long since the latter study, but
some of the concepts have really stuck with me. I will try to specify which
points I know come from Keller’s book – and hopefully I won’t miss any!
But my focus isn’t on what Keller shared about the story—as
good as that was. My focus is on the personal application…for me, in this
season.
As Keller points out, there’s not just one son in this
story: there are two. A lot of the attention of the story and the readers is
usually on the younger son, the prodigal* who returns home. But after his
interrupted speech in verse 21, the younger son fades into the background of
the story and a new dynamic takes center stage.
See, the older son was the ‘good kid’….or was he really? His
response to the father in verses 29-30 reveals a heart that while outwardly
obedient was inwardly resentful and even hateful. Some of us can easily see
ourselves in the beginning of the story—a child living recklessly and
thoughtlessly, who only later comes to his senses. But how many of us are
willing to own up to the times we’ve been like the older son: self-righteous
and angry that we don’t get what we “deserve”. {I believe one person can go
through seasons of being either one of these.}
Keller argues that this story represented both of the groups
of people Jesus was addressing (tax collectors & sinners vs. Pharisees
& scribes – see vs. 1-2). The first group were like the younger son, and
the elder son pictured the second group. Working hard to earn God’s favor and
blessings. Angry that some people would just waltz in and get it regardless of
the bad things they had done. Feeling like they deserved success and
recognition for their stellar behavior.
[Well, it’s a week later and I’m just wrapping this up and
finally posting it. I’ll do a separate post with the more personal
application.]
*One of Keller’s excellent reminders is the original meaning
of the word ‘prodigal,’ referring to extravagance (see verse 13). The way I
typically think of this word (as a person who got off track) is because of this
story—it’s changed the use of the word. Thus Keller’s title, The Prodigal [Extravagant] God.
I’m in a weekly study of joy, just going through the Bible
looking at each mention of the word and studying/reflecting on the context of
the rest of the chapter. I’ve definitely been enjoying this time with a couple
other ladies from my church!
This past Saturday we looked into Psalm 105. The mention of
joy is near the end of the chapter, but the verses before definitely lead up to
it. So here are my reflective notes on Psalm 105….
105:1-6 – The call/application: To be in relationship with
God! Speaking to Him and speaking about Him to others. Seeking Him out, and
remembering His marvelous works. And thus the rest of the Psalm!
105:7-12 – God’s character, specifically focused on the
promise He made and His commitment to keeping it.
105:13-15 – Historical overview: God’s protective hand over
His people—not allowing the kings of the nations to harm them.
105:16-22 – Joseph—tested by the LORD until the time was
right for him to take charge.
105:23-25 – Israel’s time in Egypt—numbers increased, but so
did hatred of them.
105:26-36 – The plagues sent against Egypt, to compel them
to let God’s people go.
105:37-41 – God’s provision for His people during the Exodus—booty,
a cloud/fire protection, food, and water.
Why all of this? Verse 42 points back to verse 8—God had
made a promise to Abraham, and He remembered it!
105:43 – Thus “He brought out His people with joy, His
chosen ones with gladness.” It took centuries
of time and apparent setbacks before the right time came for God’s plan and
purposes to be fulfilled. Joseph didn’t feel joy when he was sold into slavery,
but that was a step in the joyful Exodus. Four hundred years of Israelite
slaves didn’t experience the joy of release—but their descendants did.
105:44-45 – God did all that so His people would receive the
land of the Gentiles and keep His law
there [which they did NOT do very well!].
This chapter was a good reminder for me this week. Tomorrow marks
a year since I left Uganda, and that anniversary could get me stuck in grieving
what I miss and what I lost last year. But this chapter is a reminder to me
that God doesn’t just work joyful things through the good times. No, He is
working out His plan in ALL things, no matter how hard/bad they look or feel to
us at the time.
I find it interesting that, unlike a sermon, this Psalmist started
off with the application. Verse 1-6 are full of commands: to sing, to glory in
His name, to remember His wondrous works. And
yes, sometimes that includes remembering the hard times, as this Psalm does—but
to do so with eyes focused on the ways that God fulfills His promises and redeems
the suffering into joy!!!
So that’s my goal for tomorrow and this week: to remember
His faithfulness and the joy that He works out through the suffering and the
scars.
A friend and I hung out for several hours on Wednesday afternoon. It was a fun time, but we also talked some about heart-level things. One of the verses she reminded me of was the one about Christ's promise to follow suffering with restoration.
Yesterday and today, I have been wrestling with my emotions yet again. I'm still not sleeping the best, waking up around 3 each morning and unable to fall back asleep. After two weeks of this, it is beginning to take a toll emotionally. And yesterday, a praying, supportive, encouraging friend from church finished her earthly race. She was ready to go, but I am still grieving our loss--which of course is heaven's gain!
All that to say, I needed this passage this morning. And I wanted to share it in case it encourages anyone else too.
1 Peter 5:5-11 - Submit to God, Resist the Devil
5:5 The calling for each of us is to humbly submit to one another. The motivation is that God gives grace to the humble!
5:6-7 So we should humble ourselves under God's hand & cast all our cares on Him--that He may exalt us at the proper time.
5:8 A strong warning: we most definitely do have an adversary, who is out to get us & devour us. So we must be sober (self-controlled) & vigilant (watchful), looking out for his traps.
5:9 Resist him!!! How? By FAITH! Knowing that I am not alone in experiencing the sufferings of temptation...my brothers and sisters throughout the world face the same.
5:10 The God of all grace is the answer! He called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus! Yes, He allows us to suffer for a while. BUT, He promises to perfect (restore), establish (confirm), strengthen, and settle (establish) us.
5:11 Yes, Lord, to You be all glory and all dominion, forever and ever!
I wanted to look a little more at those four words of promise in verse 10, so I checked them out using the Strong's numbers on Biblehub.com.
perfect - #2675, which means to complete or prepare. It implies doing an action to something to "bring into its proper condition (whether for the first time, or after a lapse)." The same Greek word is the one used in Matthew 4:21, when James and John were mending their father's nets.
establish - #4741, which means to make fast. It implies buttressing, propping up, or supporting something. This is the Greek word used of Jesus in Luke 9:51 when He set His face towards Jerusalem.
strengthen - #4599, which basically just has the one meaning. But it also implies a strengthening that still allows for mobility "i.e. able to move in a way that achieves something in the most effective way." Interestingly, 1 Peter 5:10 is the only use of this Greek word!
settle - #2311, which means to lay the foundation of. Two other usages of the Greek word bear mentioning here: Matthew 7:25 (the house that did not fall because it was founded on the rock), and Ephesians 3:17 (Paul's prayer that the believers would be grounded in love).
These words are the promised fruit of our enduring the suffering of temptation by the enemy. Because no matter what I face from our adversary, God is greater, and--spoiler alert--He wins!!
The past week has
brought yet another change, an unexpected turn. On Monday morning, facing what
had rather suddenly become my last day to go into the Lahash office, Paraclete
gave me a couple words that I knew must be a Bible verse—about God not letting
our feet be moved. A quick concordance search later, I found it in Psalm 66:9. That
branched out into a three-day study of the whole chapter. Here are my thoughts
on it :)
66:1 “Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!”
66:2 “Sing out the honor of His name; Make His praise
glorious.” I need these reminders today!!! I do praise You, Abba, and I pray
for the humility to praise You even
in the midst of challenges.
66:3 God’s works are
awesome, and even His enemies shall submit to Him!
66:4 All the earth—that
is phenomenal really!!! That there would be global
praise! The whole world can’t agree on anything else!
66:5 “Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His
doing toward the sons of men.” Amen, I know that is so true even though it doesn’t always feel good.
66:6 An example of God’s mighty deeds—not only once but
twice turning water into dry land—worthy of praise!
66:7 God’s power rules, and He sees all the nations! So the rebellious
should not exalt themselves!!!
66:8-9 “Oh bless our God, you peoples! And make the voice of
His praise to be heard, Who keeps our soul among the living, and does not allow
our feet to be moved.” Our call is to bless
God and praise Him! He keeps our
soul among the living (amen to that!!!) and does not allow our feet to be moved….or
to slip! I do praise You, O Lord, for Your amazing graciousness to me!
66:10 But the reason seems counterintuitive….an abrupt turn:
Because God has tested us and refined us! Which means being liquified by hot temperatures! Ouch, but I don’t like the truth of that
verse!!
66:11-12a gets even worse. These do NOT sound like things to
praise & bless God for—God bringing affliction on us??? Oh man! Going
through fire & water, I can certainly understand that feeling. But praise
& blessing is exactly what the Psalmist is calling us to!!! Oh help me,
Lord, to have that heart of submission!
66:12b “But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.” BUT
GOD!!!
66:13-15 Bringing offerings to God’s house, paying Him our
vows (promised deeds).
66:16-17 Please God, bring these verses to fulfillment in my
heart & life!!!!
66:18 If [when] I
regard iniquity, God won’t hear.
66:19 “But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to
the voice of my prayer.” I praise You, O God, for this truth!
66:20 “Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away my prayer, Nor His mercy from me!” So so so so very
true!!!
Last night, I had a vague feeling trying to settle over my
soul. The cloud of depression was trying to make a comeback after a week of
doing really well mood-wise. This time, I was determined to fight it. I told
God, “I don’t trust myself. But I do trust You. Please lead me & guide me
in this fight.” And He has and I believe He will continue to do so!
Yesterday the verse He brought to mind was “You will keep him
in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You” (Isaiah 26:3, emphasis mine).
So this morning, still feeling a bit apprehensive, I decided
to spend my quiet time looking at some verses about peace. {All italics are my
own emphasis.}
Jesus’ comments about that in His valedictory address (John
13-17) immediately came to mind:
John 14:27 – “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to
you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Yes
Lord, Yes! Please let Your peace rule in my heart!
John 16:33 – “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world
you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world”!!! We don’t have peace in ourselves or in our
circumstances—we have peacein Christ. Amen!!! Jesus never promised
an easy/comfortable life—He actually promised trouble. But He also promised peace.
Next I thought of a verse about peace passing understanding.
I had to use a concordance to find it, as it wasn’t in Ephesians like I
initially thought.
Philippians 4:6-7 – Don’t
be anxious!! Make your requests known to God, by praying with thanksgiving. “And the peace of
God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through
Christ Jesus.” And then of course that is followed by vs. 8, all about
meditating on the things that are true
and noble!!! Verse 9 is the command
to the Philippians to follow Paul’s example, and then the God of peace will be with them!
I then pulled out a little notebook taking note of some various
key words and tracing them through Scripture. Under the Psalms section, I found
a couple relevant ones:
Psalm 4:8 – “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in
safety.” As someone who has struggled off and on with insomnia in the past year,
sometimes severely, this verse is especially meaningful!
Psalm 55:18 – “He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle
that was against me, for there were many against me.” As I have before, I think
You, O Lord, that my enemies are not and have not been the people around me.
They care about me and want my best! But I believe that there are enemies in
the spiritual realm who would love nothing
more than to get me down and discouraged again. BUT GOD!!! You are Haggo'el, myRedeemer, and I praise You!
Coming full circle, I went back to the verse that had
started me on this little journey:
Isaiah 26:3 – Please, Lord, strengthen again my trust in You
in the coming days and weeks! As my pastor’s wife said at breakfast yesterday,
please help me to send off my team with grace
and joy. And help me to give You all
the glory for that—for I know that in myself I cannot do that.
Peace is NOT the
absence of trouble, but rather the fruit of trusting God in the midst of it.
Caveat: This is something I’m in the process of learning….I
don’t really know yet what it looks like to practice applying it! So I write this not
because I have all the answers, but because I’m on the journey of discovery.
Recently, I had a heart-to-heart talk with one of my
sister-friends. As I was prayer-journaling for her afterwards, part of a verse
about broken cisterns came to mind…and I saw how it possibly related to her
situation, but how it definitely related to mine.
I didn’t look the verse up to read the whole thing right away. I should
have!!!!
Instead, I started writing about the process of repairing a
leaking cistern—something I experienced at my house in Kasana, Uganda earlier this
year. How the muck from years of use has to be cleaned out. How pick axes have
to hammer away at the old cement coating for hours and hours, causing
brokenness before the resurfacing can be done. How even after the repair work
is finished, the cement has to cure for a couple days before the pipes can be
reconnected for the cistern to start refilling. And how God has to send the
rain.
I thought it was a great analogy that I wanted to share with
all of you.
But then, the next morning when insomnia awakened me before
dawn, I pulled my Bible off the shelf and opened to the actual passage. I read
the whole chapter, but one verse is where I focused:
“For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, And hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold
no water.” Jeremiah 2:13
The problem is TWO-fold. It’s not just that the people are trying
to rely on broken cisterns that can’t hold water. It is ALSO that they forsook
God’s spring as the source that they SHOULD be relying on!!!
And so the real call here isn’t to put in the work and
effort to repair the broken cistern, like I had thought it was the night
before.
The call is to return
to HIM!!! See Jeremiah 3:1b:
“‘But you have played the harlot with many lovers; Yet return to Me,’ says the Lord.”
As I wrote in my quiet time journal, “The call is to leave
behind the cistern method [completely] and tap into a spring!!!”
Paraclete reminded me of a couple passages from John
where Jesus talked about a similar idea.
John 4:10 & 14 for one, of course! Jesus tells the
Samaritan woman that He could give her living water, springing up into everlasting
life.
And then John 7:37-39: The call for thirsty people to come
to Jesus, that He would make their hearts flow with rivers of living water. Not
the often nasty water from cisterns that isn’t safe to drink or cook with,
because frogs and snakes and who knows what else have lived and died in it.
As I wrote, “The new covenant ain’t about repairing our
broken cisterns!!! It’s about changing our water source completely. And John’s commentary on Jesus’ declaration is
important: vs. 39—the promised river of living water is the Spirit of God—it’s
a Person! Who indwells us and reminds and teaches us!!!”
That was all several days ago. What brought it back to mind
and spurred me on to blog about it was last night at the church accountability group
I’m part of. I can’t share about what was shared in the group, for
confidentiality reasons. But as I was praying in the car on the drive home,
Paraclete brought this concept back to mind.
Any time I am looking
to counseling or therapy or a book or medication or anything else physically external
to fix me, I’m trying to resurface my broken cistern and missing the real point.
That’s been a growing realization ever since I joined this
group back in September. I’m not saying that ANY of those things I listed above
are categorically bad. I am taking part in all of them, as I seek continued
mental health/healing. BUT! If my faith is in any one of those things, or even
in all of them collectively, that is misplaced
faith.
I believe that every one of those things can be powerful and
needed tools, like tools for gold working or surgical instruments. But it is
GOD who is the great Craftsman/Surgeon—it is HE who must be the force behind
doing the refining/healing work. And I must actively choose to surrender to Him
and to yield myself to the process—and yet also to take part and be involved in
it. God must do the work, but I must choose to practice applying what I’m
learning.
Praying in the car last night, I just thanked Jesus for His
amazing patience with me. Because I am such a slow learner!
Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where relationships with other
believers falls. I guess that it IS still a “mere” tool—but I think it is part
of a trifecta of the most powerful tools: Bible reading/study/meditation, intentional/conversational
prayer, and Spirit-led conversations with believers.
Because on Saturday, when I had spent the whole morning home
alone, spiraling down into a depressed state faster than a coin in the final stage
of a coin tornado,
it wasn’t prayer or Bible reading that pulled me out of it. {I was trying to
try those things, and they weren’t stopping the mental circles of self-talk.} It
was my host mom coming home, seeing my distress, grabbing me in a hug, and
praying for me. It was Lahash’s director and his wife coming over and spending
a couple hours listening to me share my struggle and praying for me. It was
talking to my accountability partner on the phone, sharing with her and
listening to her share with me. It was talking to my parents, also on the
phone, and sharing with them too.
Well….I didn’t know my blog post about cisterns vs. The Spring
was going to include those last two paragraphs too! But there they are :)
And honestly I’m out of words now. Except for this: Please
join me in praying for myself—and maybe for yourself too—that God will teach me
how to put this idea of changing the water source I rely on into practice. And
that I will do that hard work!!! Because it’s ME, making those moment-by-moment
decisions, that can change my life. OF COURSE, I cannot do that in my own
strength. It has to be Paraclete motivating and enabling me—just as John said
in 7:39, it is HE (the Spirit) who is the river of living water!
So here’s to practicing living out the tension/balance of
Philippians 2:12-13:
“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in
my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation
with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do
for His good pleasure.”
The first part of this
is something I initially journaled during my commute to work a couple weeks ago.
The latter part fell into place this morning during my extended reflective time
with God.
“Esther, let Me love you.”
Those words from our Triune God have been re-echoing again
and again in my mind since my birthday evening. And Paraclete {my favorite name
for the Holy Spirit} has been helping me realize that, in a way, I don’t even
know how to receive His unconditional love.
So it’s been something I have been praying/meditating about
some. This morning it came back to mind again as I was in my prayer closet, trying
not to fixate on a request I had read that morning via email. Paraclete took me
back, once again, to Jesus’ Valedictory Address {John 13-17} and 1 John.
John 15:9-10 came to mind:
“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My
love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My life, just as I have
kept my Father’s commandments and abide in His love.”
I found myself wishing very much that Jesus hadn’t put that
conditional statement in there!!! Because that’s what ends up becoming a trap
to me, again & again & again—trying to feel like I have earned or
deserve God’s love based on what I DO. It so easily becomes a point of pride
and/or legalism. But there’s another critically important part of that verse! “Just as….”
Jesus’ example and His obedience of the Father are to be our
model! And He doesn’t obey out of fear or because He is trying to earn God’s
love. Jesus obeys because He is in perfect relationship with the Father and
because of all the concepts we read about in Ministry in the Image of God: The Trinitarian Shape of Christian
Service! {The first book we read here as part of the Servant Teams
curriculum – somewhat dense, but really good with lots of practical application
too!}
It’s like the heptapod language—all an interwoven circle.*
So Jesus obeys the Father because He loves Him and because
They are eternally in perfect relationship {with Paraclete too, of course!!}.
So love should be the driving force of our obedience, not fear & torment (1
John 4:18). But why do we love God? The very next verse tells us—because He
first loved us (4:19)! And also 4:10—He showed His love for us by sending Jesus
to be our propitiation (the conciliation, the act of making God favorably
inclined, appeasing Him).
Abba’s love came to me through the death and sacrifice of
Jesus. In my prayer closet this morning, Paraclete showed me that when I’m
trying to earn/prove myself worthy of God’s love—by serving, going overseas,
etc. etc.—I am acting like Jesus’ love & sacrifice were not sufficient…I am
minimalizing the greatest act in all of history and acting like my filthy rags
of righteous deeds (Isaiah 64:6) are better.
Oh Abba, forgive me for that egregious misconstrued view!!!
So we abide in God’s love by keeping His commandments out of
a heart of love for Him, because He first loved us and reconciled us to
Himself. See how it’s like a heptapod* circle??!!! Love is the goal, the means,
and the catalyst!
And it’s all about You, Abba—it’s not about me or anything I
could ever do.
Abba, I don’t know how to practice and apply this! But I
know it is foundational and critically
important—I know it’s a game changer if this lesson could sink deep into my
heart and become my driving force! Again in my prayer closet, Paraclete
reminded me that I can’t give what I haven’t received….
{And at that point I arrived at my destination!}
About a month ago, I joined a small accountability group at
a local church here. We are going through a book called The Genesis Process together. It’s focused on helping people deal
with the root causes behind addictions or other self-destructive coping
behaviors. It keeps on bringing me back to this idea:
And then this morning I started working on the fourth process, and this is how it began:
I definitely learned this lesson the hard way in August
2016. That month, two men who were serving as leaders in both the organization
and the church each had to resign because of moral shortcomings. The first one
was an especially hard blow to me, as I had been welcomed into his home many times
by him and his wife.
I remember crying in the staff meeting when his resignation
was announced. And then I went home and sat on the floor of my room and sobbed
for probably around 10 minutes. Grieving the brokenness of sin. Grieving the
pain I was sure his wife was going through. Grieving my own hurt too. Fighting
feelings of a guilt too complex to explain without sharing details of other
peoples’ stories.
That day I was so tempted to make a vow of sorts—a vow never
again to get so close to another family that I would open myself up to that
kind of pain. A vow never to trust and admire someone as I had allowed myself
to do with him—because such Christian familial love had wounded me deeply.
I thank God that I stopped myself from making that decision.
I knew it was the wrong decision—a decision that would let the enemy win. And
so I continued to grow in relationship with many other sisters and couples. But
that wound still aches when I think of it. I think I allowed that and other
things which began developing around the same time to plant a seed of
hopelessness in my heart. I did my best to process and forgive….but somehow I
think I closed off a little cupboard of bitterness inside my soul.
Fast forward back to today. Later in the morning, as I was
outside processing through some other stuff, my mind made its way back to what
I had read in The Genesis Process.
I wrote:
Love & wounding—both are always two-way streets. Except for with God. He is the only One who loves perfectly and never wounds unjustly—with the one, all-important exception of Jesus on
the cross.
In a strange, miraculous way that only God could plan, that
moment in human history was both the most unjust (towards Jesus, who had done nothing wrong), and yet also the most
merciful & gracious & loving towards us—we who had broken all the
relationships, who have done all the
wounding, who deserve nothing but eternal judgment and yet receive nothing but
unconditional love. Such beauty & brokenness at the same time!!!
Now a few hours later, those words bring to mind Hebrews
12:1-3:
“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a
cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily
ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking
unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set
before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the
right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility
from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your
souls.”
And so I choose to continue opening myself up to love and,
yes, even to the risk of human woundedness, because in so doing I am following
in the footsteps of the most truly Human person who ever lived—our Savior,
Jesus Christ. May His love in and through me glorify and magnify HIS beauty!
*To fully understand this analogy, you have to watch Arrival – it’s an alien film, but I
found it to have deep theological undertones looking at it from a Biblical worldview!
But to semi-explain the circle bit: Basically in that film, the aliens
communicate through a written language made up of circles, with each circle
being a phrase/sentence with multiple words...or something like that! See below
for an example. The circle is formed by smoke from the heptapod's feet, and so
the language is written with foreknowledge of the phrase/sentence as a whole.
The Church is NOT a good works club, it IS a fellowship of grace! It’s NOT about what we do—period!
All we have to do is to receive, openly & vulnerably; to be loved by Jesus. Works-based
Christianity does NOT create sustainable faith!
The above paraphrase was the key point of the sermon I heard
this morning—a sermon so good I sat through it twice! (I’m attending church
with my hostess for the next several months, at Oak Hills Presbyterian Church
here on the outskirts of Portland.)
Currently, the church is going through a sermon series on
Acts, and this morning’s passage was about 4:32-5:11—the story of the early
Church’s lifestyle of radical giving and the death of Ananias and Saphira.
Jeremy (the pastor here) made the case that, at root, this passage is not
really about money or giving. It’s about a deeper lifestyle choice: Pretense or
Vulnerability.
The generous people, including Barnabas, showed their
vulnerability by giving up their earthly security for the sake of others –
demonstrating that the resurrection of Christ (4:33) had set them free from the
self-protective hoarding of resources. The beneficiaries of this generosity
also had to practice vulnerability, admitting to their church family that they
were facing needs that they couldn’t meet on their own.
The power of Christ created a culture of radical openness
and vulnerability for those who found their identity in HIM, rather than in
trying to project a false image of themselves to others. Ananias and Saphira,
however, made a show of spiritual heroism that was a lie – and for that they were severely punished….by death!
Jeremy talked about the word hypocrite, which comes from the Greek word for actor. In Greek
culture, stage actors would wear masks to show their emotions—happy for a
joyful scene, sad for a tragic scene, etc. With the masks, they projected what
the scene required, while hiding what was really going on underneath.
He concluded his sermon, “the only way to receive grace is
by being open and broken, trusting in
God’s grace and being real with one another.”
This sermon really struck a chord with me where I am at
spiritually right now. I have so very much to be thankful for, so very much to
praise God for. But this year, and the past several years before, have each been
the successively hardest year of my life. And so I want to share more about
that here than I have so far. Not to illicit pity. Definitely not to brag on
myself (quite the contrary!). But to testify of God’s Grace.
God has brought the above song to my mind multiple times in
the past few months. This is who I want to be. Real and raw, yes, but for the purpose of allowing God to shine His Glory through my brokenness.
As those close to me know, most of this year has been an
intense spiritual battle for me. In January I returned to my second home in
Uganda, excited for another term…though also with reservations. Before I could
even get back into my job at the office, I was hit simultaneously with insomnia,
depression, and worse.
For the next six plus months, many days it was a struggle
just to get out of bed. It felt like I was constantly fighting a losing battle
with hopelessness. After two months with little maintainable progress, I
resigned from my position in Uganda, said goodbye to the people who had become
my family there, and returned home to Dallas. I’ve become ok over these past
months with naming depression as one of my struggles. There were also other
struggles I’m still not comfortable naming this publicly.....shame can be a
strong enemy. [No physical or emotional harm was maliciously done to me.]
Suffice it to say, the fact that I am currently walking in
relationship with God is in itself a testimony to God’s abundant Grace, lavish
Love, and constant Pursuit towards me. He did this using so many amazing people
both in Uganda, Dallas, and other places who didn’t give up on me…who kept
loving me, praying for me, speaking truth to me, and fighting (spiritually) on
my behalf. If I started naming names I couldn’t quit…so I won’t start, except
to say that my parents are at the top of the list. :)
The fact that a month and a half ago I moved half way across
the country, to a place where I personally knew no one; that I am now in an
intense program of learning and serving, and that I am {mostly**} flourishing
here—that is an unimaginable miracle of Christ’s mercy and transforming power.
When people hear about my life since graduation from college
in May of 2013—most of that time spent rooted in the red soil of East Africa—they
can quickly and easily tend to put me on a pedestal. I’m here to tell you
today, I am NO super hero. I am not applying that title to myself—one well-meaning
person has told me that missionaries, me inclusive, are. On the contrary, I am
just as flawed and broken as anyone else….if not more so (in the spirit of Paul,
expressed in 1 Tim. 1:15). Any good that has come of my life is all God’s Grace.
Yesterday morning, I spent more than three hours journaling…processing…praying…grieving.
My Good Shepherd has led me on a road that has been full of both the very good and the very hard in these past five years, since I first
knocked on the door labelled “Uganda.” But He has been with me every single
step of the way, both on the sunny mountaintops and in the darkest of valleys.
This year’s breakdown didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s seeds
were sown from my personality and character flaws…from circumstances and
situations which affected me…from my failure to name what I needed and ask for
help (at least not until it was too late, humanly speaking)…from organizational
and personnel challenges. The pressure really started building in August of
2016…so it was a long time coming.
So that’s my practice at being open and vulnerable. And
maybe very few people will take the time to read this. But I process best by
writing, and so hopefully composing this blog post will better free my tongue
in personal dialogue. Please feel free to ask me questions. Christ’s healing of
my heart is finally bringing me to a place of being more willing to speak of
these things. But these previous paragraphs are not the whole story.
Here is the “My Story” version:
Hope that wouldn't
let go: My Savior never lost a grip on the wheel of my life, even when it
looked to me like it was chaotically spinning out of control. And HE has restored
my hope in Him, in His time and way.
Love that never gave
up: These past three weeks, my Lover has been calling my heart to be willing
to receive from Him and from others. Not that I should try to earn or deserve
anything, simply to receive…and THEN to give.
Life, but it wasn't
mine: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were
bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which
are God’s” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
The grace that is
greater than all my sin: If I spoke of God’s Grace—in loving me and
redeeming me from sin—for every hour of the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have
time to tell it all.
When justice was
served: But not to me; to the perfect, sinless Son of God. There are times I
want to call “FOUL!” on my life, times I say I wish there had been justice in a
given situation. But that’s only because I fail to remember what true justice
really demands.
Where mercy wins: Every
single day, every breath of my life, is as a result of the mercy of Christ.
The kindness of Jesus
that draws me in: The opposite of what I in myself deserve…but He showers
His kindness instead.
Victory over the
enemy: The victory has already been won!! It’s not my battle to fight—it’s
a gift the Christ already waged the war for, that I am simply to allow HIM to
apply to and live out in my life.
Freedom that was won
for me: Freedom from fear. Freedom from failure. Freedom to be known and to
know. To be loved and to love. To be served and to serve. Freedom as a gift
from Him, applied by Him, in and through this weak vessel.
Life overcome the
grave: Our Savior is RISEN!!! And that resurrection power is at work in each
and every one of His children!
This is my story,
this is my song,
Praising my Savior
all the day long.
One more thing that is finally getting through my thick skull:
There WILL be more challenges in my future. More twists & turns in the
road. More apparently deep, dark valleys. Maybe even tomorrow. But, Lord help
me, when those times come I want to turn more quickly to Your Truth. To root my
confidence deeply in You, not in my comfort or things going my way. To say with
Mary, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to Your
word” (Luke 1:38).
Please join me in praying that for me and, if you dare,
maybe for yourself as well.
**Three weeks ago, I heard I had to leave my initial/temporary
housing by the end of September. And that I couldn’t move into the house down
the street—that I was sure was ideal—because
of a logistical detail. My emotions and insecurities proceeded to throw an internal
hissy fit. A night of zero sleep followed, and for several days the fear and
despair and hopelessness came rolling back over me.
I’m so thankful to our team leaders and my team mates for
supporting me through that. And I can now say I’m thankful it happened, because
God used it as a catalyst to push me out of the comfortable coasting (from two
months of almost all great days) and back onto the road of proactive,
intentional healing. Also, in a stroke of divine irony, the new home I moved
to, where I initially didn’t want to be, has been an amazing fit and a real
gift. So I was fighting God, when of course He knew better all along!!
This is a word that has been coming to my mind a lot the
past week or so.
Usually, thinking about it makes me think of that song from
Sound of Music. You know, the one where a nervous Maria is coming to the Von
Trapp family home for the first time. “I have confidence in confidence alone; Besides
which you see, I have confidence in me!”
But there’s a pretty big problem with that song. And I have
been experiencing it a lot this year. If my confidence is in myself, I set
myself up for trouble.
As Paul said in Philippians 3:3-4, we should have no confidence in the flesh, even if
humanly speaking we have lots of good reasons to.
This morning I did a brief study about what the Bible says
about confidence. And it was both encouraging and convicting! These passages
point to having confidence in Christ and in His work in us, not in ourselves.
Here are the passages that my study brought to light. I hope
they encourage you as they do me!
Psalm 118:8 – “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put
confidence in man”—including myself!
1 John 3:21 – Our confidence is toward God, not toward
ourselves.
Proverbs 3:25-26 – “Do not be afraid of sudden terror, nor
of trouble from the wicked when it comes; [when,
not if!] For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from
being caught.”
Proverbs 14:16, 26 – The fool is self-confident, but strong
confidence is in the fear of the Lord, a place of refuge to His children.
2 Corinthians 5:5-9 – Our confidence is not in this physical
life, but in our spiritual future with Christ. Our aim is to please HIM!
1 John 2:28 – Abiding
in Christ gives us confidence!
Hebrews 10:32-39 – Don’t allow suffering and hardship to
make you cast away your confidence! Don’t draw back, but continue believing unto
salvation!
Ephesians 3:11-13 – Our boldness and confidence come through
faith in Christ!! And that enables us to not lose heart in tribulations.
Philippians 1:6 – Be confident in the work that HE is doing
in you! It is a good work, one that continues up to His completion.
Hebrews 3:6, 14 – We are called to hold fast our confidence
to the end!
2 Thessalonians 3:3-4 – The Lord is faithful to establish
and guard us! And so our confidence is in
Him.
Psalm 27:1, 3 – “The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom
shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?....In
this I will be confident”!
1 John 5:14 – We can have confidence that God hears us when
we ask according to His will.
And so I’m asking Him to renew my confidence in Him. That I
would be steadfast and certain, not in my own talents or abilities—but in His
faithfulness and strength. Humbly abiding in Him, not relying in myself.
Because “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence
shall be your strength” (Isaiah 30:15).
Welcome to my musings. I like organization, so they're segregated into four types!
All of the views expressed on these blogs are my own unless otherwise stated. They are not intended to be seen as the view of any organization I work with or have worked with in the past.
