Gut-level honesty

Sick and tired. The thought of homework and papers to write (three due this week) makes me want to puke. God, where are You in this mess? Why is this rat race my life right now? How am I supposed to bring You glory when all I want to do is throw in the towel?

Simply put, I hit a real low spot Friday afternoon. Being a student stinks sometimes, you know? Why is it so much easier to get down and get stuck in the lows than it is to keep in mind the high places? Why do the lows seems so much lower than the highs do high? Why?

What am I doing here? What am I supposed to be doing here? What can I do?

Where am I headed? Where should I go?

Why? Why so many questions?

Why so few easy answers?

What comes next?

I don’t know.

I don’t.

IDK!!!!!

And sometimes I really don’t care.

But then I come to my senses and realize that the reason I feel like I don’t want to care anymore is because I do care so much.

Life is annoying like that. It’s not all laid out in a smooth path. It’s not a simple road map with obvious, unambiguous road signs. It often seems as though there’s a lot more left up to me than I would like.

My head knows the facts. That’s part of what I’m tired of. I know God loves me. I know He has a plan for me. I know He wants me to be like Him. I know the Holy Spirit’s power is available. I know, I know, I know!!! But how do I get it beyond the head? How is all that knowledge supposed to be lived out??

How do I keep my life from being meaningless? How do I keep from settling for something less than God’s perfect plan for my life?*

I believe that I do want God’s will. I believe that I do want to surrender to Him. But in some ways I’m still left in charge of my life. It’s so easy to turn the stewardship He gives back to me back into the ownership I would have had in my flesh.

“Look up Esther,” comes the call. But how am I supposed to look up without tripping and falling flat on my face and failing at my responsibilities?

Certainly makes me understand why some would want to escape from it all and go be hermits. To be free from stress, free from worry, free from the messiness of day-to-day responsibilities.

But I know that’s idealizing it. Even hermits have struggles. And that’s just it. Life is a struggle. No matter how I try, there will always always be times in this life that are filled with struggle.

Perspective. The struggle is NOT the end. It is merely the means. Will I trust that there is a reason, even if I can’t (or don’t want to) see it?

I don’t have more than head-knowledge answers. I don’t have “nine tips to live the perfect life.” I don’t believe they exist.

Right now, I’m just a tired, deluded college girl. And yet even with all these questions, all these self-doubts, all these stresses…….deep down inside that knowledge is what keeps me going. I DO know that He is more, that He is better. I DO know that He has a reason for everything, even if I don’t see it. I DO know that someday, Lord willing, I will look back – I will read this – and I will be able to thank Him for what He has done in my life.

I am His. He is mine. His strength is available. His grace is sufficient. His power is omnipotent. His love is unending.

And all this fluff is merely temporary, simply a hint at something greater that will come when there are no more deadlines, when there is no more time.

Believe it Esther. Feel it, my heart. Fight for it, my soul. Look to the light. Don’t be swayed – press on toward HIM, not toward any measure of earthly success.

He alone satisfies.

*Noah Mitchell, a recent JBU alum, came and spoke in chapel on Thursday about this. Definitely convicting.