God's Puzzle: Prologue

I’ve been meaning to do this post for at least six months. This is going to be a {hopefully} brief post {imagine that red text is crossed out – brief...who was I kidding!} simply tracing what God has been teaching me over the past year – because it’s been an amazing time of growth for me.

First, a bit of background. This isn’t easy for me to admit – but I’d have to say that during most of high school and the first year and a half of college my spiritual life was, for the most part, stagnant. I had plenty of head knowledge about God, but I felt an almost complete lack of any real relationship with Him. And I desperately wanted that relationship. There were plenty of times I would shut myself into my room and cry at nights because I didn’t feel God and I wanted to so badly. It never made any sense to me. God wants a relationship with me, right??? Then why don’t I seem to have one if He wants it and I want it? I don’t have the answer to that question – but this post is going to focus on the growth I have had since then to a time when I have felt that relationship in a more real and tangible way than ever before. Yes, I know feelings aren’t everything. But I am human and feelings are part of the equation.

This next part is a bit out of place, but it will help explain things. In February of last year, one of the JBU professors spoke at the campus women’s retreat. She talked about knowing God in three ways: Intellectually, Experientially, and Affectively (Emotionally). As I wrote in my journal reflecting on that, “I’ve known about God intellectually all my life, in a growing sense. I would say that I started to know Him experientially when we went to China. I saw and experienced how He provided for us in the years afterward, and there were things like the NO, LA {New Orleans, Louisiana} trip too. I’d say I really started knowing God affectively once I came to JBU and especially this semester. Things like chapel and The Furnace and then everything this semester has shown me a side of God I hadn’t really thought about or connected with before.”

So anyway, in September 2010 I wrote my first post on this blog after a year of silence. It’s like the prologue to everything that has happened since. Let me just say here that it has been so important for me personally to write about what God is doing in my life. It can be so encouraging to go back and look through what I was thinking and feeling and see how God has been faithful in answering my heart’s cry – even when I felt at the time as though He wasn’t listening.

I didn’t blog or really journal much again until December. When I finally did journal, it was an entry full of the frustration I expressed in my “background” paragraph above. My sophomore fall was a tough semester – not because of difficult school work, but because of apathy…about everything. I ended with a plea to God that He would “grant me the ability to rest & trust in You and to STOP trying to live it out on my own.” When I reread that in September, it struck me that God answered that cry the next semester – Spring 2011, the semester that has honestly changed my spiritual life.

[Please note – all of this was written late night/early morning of Nov. 16/17. I’m just breaking it up into sections and posting it during the next week or so, so that maybe people won’t feel as overwhelmed by it….

The title comes from the fact that it seems each lesson and event has been a puzzle piece that has fit perfectly into the bigger picture of what God has been doing in my life.]

"Next Time"

“Next time when I go through high school, I’ll take advantage of that opportunity.”

“Next time I’m a college freshman, I’ll lay a better groundwork of study habits.”

One problem with those thoughts – there’s not going to be a next time. As a new 21-year-old, I’ve passed that phase of life…and I won’t be going through it again. Nevertheless, the number of times I think to myself “next time around, I’ll get it right,” is rather amusing. I keep remembering after I’ve thought it that my high school/childhood days are over – there is no going back to do it again.

No, I don’t think those thoughts because I believe in some sort of re-incarnation. It’s just that I have this idea in the back of my head that I’ll get another chance at life…that I’ll be able to change how I’ve lived. But life doesn’t work that way.

The thought popped into my head today. As I reflected on this silly tendency, I realized that if nothing else it’s a great reminder of the importance of stewardship. It’s true – we only get once opportunity to live our lives. Once a minute is gone, it’s gone. We’ll never get back that hour, week, month. Every moment is a precious commodity that doesn’t come with a second chance.

I struggle with the practical application of this concept sometimes. There are times I want to kick back and doing something mindless for recreation – watch a show from my favorite TV series, play a little computer game, read a fictional book for fun. But at other times I can’t help but question the wisdom of doing that – that’s two hours I wasted on something with no eternal value whatsoever…and the time slipped away so fast.

I don’t believe we always have to do something that’s considered “spiritual” like read the Bible, sing worship songs, or pray. But it’s also important to remember that we can never get back those moments we spend on more trivial matters. Once they are used, they’re gone – forever.

But there is an available next time…“Next time I have a free evening, I’ll choose to call a friend instead of staring at my computer screen.” “Next time I have 30 minutes between meetings I’ll get ahead on my homework so I don’t have to freak out as much.” Those are the moments we still have control over – let’s choose to use them wisely.

True Freedom: Becoming a Slave

“The only way to ever find true freedom is becoming Christ’s slave.”

“Scripture doesn’t offer us a choice of freedom – only a choice of who our master is.”

The chapel speaker spoke in a gentle tone, often making fun of or downplaying himself. But his message was strong and went right to my soul. For three days earlier this month, Michael Card taught during Spiritual Emphasis Week at my school, John Brown University. His topic was slavery and how we are called to be the slaves of Christ.

In our American culture, we like our freedom and independence. We’re like the Jews of Jesus’ time – we don’t want to be told we’re slaves (John 8:31-36). But as Mr. Card pointed out, we are all in bondage to something, whether we like it or not. In our natural state as humans, we are born as slaves to our flesh and sin. The only way to become free from our human bondage is to instead submit ourselves to slavery under Christ.

Christ has given us an example of what the Christian life is to look like. He came to earth not as a king, but as a slave. He consistently demonstrated this in His time on earth. We are told to follow in His example (Phil. 2:5-11).

The apostle Paul recognized this. In his letters, he constantly uses slave language about himself and when writing about salvation. For example, Mr. Card said, the word for justification has its roots in being bought or redeemed at the slave market (if I remember right).

Submitting ourselves to slavery in Christ brings us into true freedom:

-- from Impurity

-- from the Law

-- from Fear

-- from Seeking Human Approval

--from Judging Others

--from Quarreling

“We are called to give up our choices and live in submission to our Master!” Mr. Card said.

I desire that freedom – I’m tired of trying to have my life all figured out…tired of trying to fit the mold of what people expect of me…tired of trying to be in control. But that doesn’t mean the process of submission is easy.

The hardest part about surrendering and living in submission to my Master Christ is that He doesn't stand over me like a physical slave master, with a whip in His hand to punish any disobedience or straying. Instead, the call to submission is a gentle voice:

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matt. 11:28-30)

It’s about getting my priorities straight and fixing my eyes on the goal. It’s about choosing one vision and staying focused. It’s about submission.

After a summer of being brought back over and over to the concept of trust, it’s as though I’m being called to the next step: total surrender. I am not called to change the world. I am not called to greatness. I am called to serve, following in the footsteps of my Master, the servant of all.

Some other quotes from Mr. Card’s talks:

“All self-revelation I find in the Scripture is centered in Christ. He defines me.”

“If your calling doesn’t look like foot washing, it’s not your calling!”

“Saul was ready to kill for his religious convictions, but not ready to die for them…when the religious leader fell to the ground, he came to his senses as a slave.”

“When Jesus knew He was about to be exalted by the Father, He chose to serve His disciples. That’s not a normal human reaction!”

“After His resurrection, Jesus should have been waiting on a throne to receive the disciples’ worship and adoration. Instead, He made breakfast for them.”

Some of Michael Card’s songs:

“A Better Freedom”

“The Basin and the Towel”

“God’s Own Fool”

Prosperity or Sacrifice?

God has really blessed me this summer. It’s been an amazing time of growth for me, and in some ways I don’t want it to ever end. Of course, I know God can continue teaching me at college and I have faith that He will. But it’s still a bit hard to say good bye to my home friends/church/town again.

Today was my last Sunday at my church for a while. Church is one of the ways God has revealed Himself to me recently. I hate to admit it, but before this summer I often felt like I wasn’t gaining much from the services. Over the past few weeks, that has changed. Each Sunday morning has been like a feast of delicious insights that individually have a place in the whole of what God is doing in my life.

In the past couple weeks, God has brought hymns to my mind which remind me of the lessons I’m learning this summer. This morning (and thus the concepts in this post) built on my last post a couple weeks ago. While I don’t believe hymns are inspired in the same way Scripture is, God often uses them to speak to me. Today the hymn on my mind was “Is Your All on the Altar?”

Reading the words of that hymn, I couldn’t help but think it sounded a little backwards. It almost seems to be saying, “You deserve the best in life. All you have to do is lay everything on the altar, let the Spirit take control, and then you’ll have the rest of your life exactly like you want it.” That doesn’t sound like much of a true sacrifice to me. One of the verses talks about having “peace and contentment alway[s]” and being “free from all ill.” I don’t think so. That’s not what God promises us!

Last Sunday, Mr. Deffinbaugh (the “pastor” at my church) talked about how we tend to expect Jesus to pamper us. Jesus didn’t come to the earth to make my life easy. He didn’t come to die so I could get what I wanted. He came to make me like Him, to give me a relationship with the Father. That hymn may have meant having peace and contentment in God’s plan…and it may have been referring to free from any eternal ills. But on a surface level it almost seems to be offering a prosperity gospel, once you’ve sacrificed. I don’t see that as what we are guaranteed.

I like things to be cut and dried…but they rarely are. Usually, on any issue there are at least two views and the truth/ideal is a balance between the two. The pendulum can swing back and forth to either extreme, but where you really want to be is in the middle. This issue is like that. On one side are the prosperity gospel people, who say that once you’re a Christian you will be showered with every material blessing imaginable. On the other side are those with martyr complexes, who seem to think we have to earn our salvation by suffering and never having anything good in this life.

Naturally, neither extreme gives the whole picture. The first is wrong because while we live in this world we will face hard times, fight sin, and suffer from the effects of the fall. In John 16:33, Jesus told His disciples “In the world you will have tribulation.” The early Christians did not have an easy life, and we should not fool ourselves into thinking we deserve one either. The second view is also wrong. While it’s true that life in this world isn’t easy, that doesn’t mean God cannot bless us. He is sufficient and adequate for all we need. And we certainly don’t earn anything when we deny ourselves.

In conclusion, I think we typically tend to error on the side of expecting God to bless us physically and materially. This morning Mr. Deffinbaugh mentioned that we should look to God for the fulfillment of our spiritual needs, not just our physical ones. He also warned us against imposing our wants and how we think things should be onto God’s Word. So while American Christians could use a few tutorials in living sacrificially, we need to watch our motives. We shouldn’t give things up expecting to be blessed in this world as a result. And we should remember that we can never ever do anything to merit the gift of God’s grace.

It’s an interesting dilemma – and I certainly don’t think I totally understand the balance. I would love to hear your thoughts about the matter J

My Summer Trio: Love, Trust, and Faith

God’s work in my life these past few months has been so amazing. It’s a huge blessing to me. This summer, He’s kept bringing me back to the concepts of love, trust, and faith as He continues teaching me to seek after Him and Him alone.

I’d say my biggest lesson from this summer has been: If I really have faith in God’s awesome, unconditional love for me, I will choose to trust His plan for my life.

Trusting God is sometimes difficult for me. I’m the kind of person who likes to have everything planned out and to know exactly what’s going on. The bad part is that life is rarely that simple.

I want to have faith and to be able to relax in knowing that God will bring to pass what He has willed for my life. Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 are a big encouragement. But as I go about my day-to-day life, it’s so easy for me to start building my day dreams and air castles (I have a good imagination that sometimes gets the best of me).

I often start dwelling and focusing on my picture of what I want my life to look like—how perfect my husband and kids will be, what an amazing impact I’ll have on the world, etc. It’s so easy for me to get carried away, planning out detailed scenes of my future life. All of which takes my focus off of where it should be: on Christ and what will glorify Him and bring about His kingdom. In other words, I tend to be proud and selfish when I try to plan my life.

Even when I recognize that and am not painting my day dreams, I tend to worry about the future. My college graduation is two years away, but I am already a bit nervous about what I’ll do after that. I fret about how God could possibly get me from my current circumstances to where I want to be.

This morning in church the men during the open worship service were talking about rejoicing in the Lord, from Philippians 4. I was sitting there, fighting the distraction to think about a future relationship with my “ideal guy” – and all of a sudden the thought hit me that God does not promise me what I see as a perfect life. There’s no guarantee that my life will be a fairy tale.

What I am called to do is to follow in the footsteps of my Savior. His path did not lead to the American Dream. It led to the cross. In becoming like Him, I am to die to myself and my selfish aspirations. It is only in following whole-heartedly after Christ that I can find true satisfaction and can fulfill the purpose God has placed within my life.

Giving up the control I like to imagine I have over my life isn’t easy for me. Trusting in what I cannot see doesn’t come naturally to me. But God keeps showing me His love and gently speaking to my soul: “This is how much I love you. Doesn’t that give you every reason to trust Me?” He continues to show me glimpses of His character. Everything He is doing in my life is like a giant puzzle, and I keep finding more pieces and fitting them in with what I have been learning.

The head knowledge is all there. It’s my unruly heart and my fleshly habits that are so willing to yield. I don’t know what the future holds—there’s no way I can. But I know Who holds it, and I can find rest in Him.

Sitting there in church, a line of a hymn came into my head – “King of my life I crown Thee now, Thine shalt the glory be.” I looked it up in the hymnal…the title? “Lead Me to Calvary”

Dying to myself isn’t fun. But I have tasted of delighting in the Lord, I have felt His love for me, I know He has a plan for my life—All I am called to do is to trust and to take each step in faith. To Him be the glory.

Lessons from a Church Blackout

This morning at about 8:30 as I was getting ready for church, I heard a loud boom and all the electricity at my house cut off. We guessed a transformer had blown. I couldn't help but wonder what it would mean for the services at my church, which is right across the street from my house.

A few minutes later I walked over to find, as I had expected, a mostly dark church. Random lights were on in some areas, but the air conditioning was off in the whole building as were all the auditorium's lights and speaker systems. We still had the worship service (which at my church is an open-service style) and, I think, most of the Sunday school classes...but the nurseries were dark, hot, and empty; the warmer balcony was almost deserted; and the teaching hour was cancelled.

Even before the service started I couldn't help but think about some ironic/eye-opening reminders. During the 75 minute service, more things kept popping up in my mind. So here they are - lessons from a dark church.

1. We're Spoilt. Yep, that's right. We Americans are spoiled little brats accustomed to a particular level of comfort. Honestly, even before I knew about the lack of power I had considered not staying for the teaching hour because I didn't feel the best today. I took a pain reliever because my scraped hand from yesterday has been giving me grief.

Is it fun to sit in a huge room with no air conditioning and a bunch of other people in the middle of a Texas summer? No, but think about churches in other countries. Places like India, where they probably get just as hot and never have the AC luxuries we do, but where they still gather week after week because they want to.

2. "Singing and Making Melody" (Eph. 5:19). Without the PA system or the computers to run the slides, our opening singing time was a bit more challenging. But honestly, I liked it better. Without the speakers increasing the volume of the instruments, I could hear the actual singing. While I appreciate the work the musicians put into playing, it was fun to actually experience singing together as a church body....although I must admit our church definitely shouldn't make a recording...some of us can't sing exceptionally well ;-)

3. "Let the Little Children Come." This one ties into the last one. With the little kids not being in the nursery, they were in the service instead. And I loved hearing one little girl (probably age 3 or 4) belting out the choruses on the songs. I sure didn't mind the couple times a baby cried either. But that may just be because I love kids :)

4. Be Real With Me. It was an interesting phenomenon...but with no PA system, no AC, and no lights other than sunlight coming in windows and doors, the whole atmosphere of the service seemed more relaxed, less "put-on," and more real. Several men took off their suit coats. The sharing seemed more off-the-cuff. We laughed more. It just felt nice. Usually, men walk down to the lecterns because that's where the mics are. The rest of us sit in our pews, separated by the distance, however small, and hearing the voice over the speakers. There's almost a disconnect between the person talking and the congregation---something I didn't realize was there until I recognized that it was gone today.

5. Jesus as the Light of the World. In God's timing, the opener had previously planned to share from 2 Cor. 4:4-6, which talks about how the gospel is a light to us in a world of darkness. One of the songs we sang was "Shine, Jesus Shine," a song which I have really appreciated since I first heard it on a friend's favorite CD eight or nine years ago. As we were singing the song and as various men got up and shared about different ways Christ is our light, I couldn't help but think about it. He is the Light, the fuel, to banish the darkness of the world. We are to be like lamps or like mirrors, carrying or reflecting the power of His gospel.

So there you have it - a few things you can learn at church, even without power. Honestly, I think every church should have a blackout Sunday once in a while. It has the capability of serving as a good reminder of our blessings and breaking us out of the routine-ness that is always a danger in our spiritual lives.

I have FAILED..................But God!

Guys, I need help - I need prayer. On Friday at work I flared out in anger at these boys that I really do love as though they were my little brothers.

I try not to talk about the challenging details of my work all that much because I don't want to complain/gossip/be self-praising by talking about everything I deal with. Suffice it to say that both boys are sinners just like the rest of us and often want their own way just like I do.

On Friday I ran out of patience and blew it. I was truly sorry for what I had done within two minutes, but the damage had been done and we had a rough hour or so. Thankfully by the end of the day our relationship was in better shape again.

Nevertheless I felt incredibly guilty for what happened, and still do to some extent. I have confessed that what I did was very wrong and said I am sorry. I know that Christ's righteousness covers this sin and failure just as it covers all of my sin. But it's hardest to forgive myself. How could I have let this happen???

Honestly, my flesh just responded to the child's actions like he has responded to me repeatedly in the past. But I'm not supposed to act that way. I'm supposed to be the Christian who has limitless self-control in responding firmly and yet kindly to a little sinful child, trying to guide him toward building a better character. But on Friday, my self-control failed me. In responding in anger, I not only damaged my relationship with the boys, I also marred my Christian witness. It was that thought that brought tears to my eyes when i had some time alone to think it over.

I think the problem is that I have been trying to do this in my power. I have failed to fully recognize the spiritual warfare nature of my work. Satan doesn't want me to love these boys unconditionally. He wants me to fight back in anger. I ran out of patience because I wasn't relying on God's power to work through me. I have failed to cover my work in prayer - daily, hourly, even moment by moment.

What I do is not easy. As Friday's happenings clearly showed, what I want to do is impossible unless I'm relying only on God's strength. That's where you all come in. I'm asking you to please pray for me, whenever you think of me. Please pray that I would not try to love and teach these boys out of my own strength, because that will fail miserably. Please pray that God will give me wisdom in how to respond to trying circumstances. Please pray that I may in some small way show these boys the love of God.

In the end, if nothing else, my experience with the boys constantly reminds me to be thankful for God's entirely unconditional love for me, for us. In our sin, we act just like these two boys (Eph. 2:1-3). But God loved us even when we were unlovable, when we hated Him, despised Him, spat in His face (Eph. 2:4-10). And even now, when I make choices that grieve Him deeply, He still loves me, always.

I am not God. I knew that, of course, but Friday reminded me of it once again. BUT His power is available to me, when I choose to live and act through the power of His Spirit instead of in my weak and fleshly attempts. May it be so in my life - tomorrow, next week, next month.