Lessons from a Church Blackout

This morning at about 8:30 as I was getting ready for church, I heard a loud boom and all the electricity at my house cut off. We guessed a transformer had blown. I couldn't help but wonder what it would mean for the services at my church, which is right across the street from my house.

A few minutes later I walked over to find, as I had expected, a mostly dark church. Random lights were on in some areas, but the air conditioning was off in the whole building as were all the auditorium's lights and speaker systems. We still had the worship service (which at my church is an open-service style) and, I think, most of the Sunday school classes...but the nurseries were dark, hot, and empty; the warmer balcony was almost deserted; and the teaching hour was cancelled.

Even before the service started I couldn't help but think about some ironic/eye-opening reminders. During the 75 minute service, more things kept popping up in my mind. So here they are - lessons from a dark church.

1. We're Spoilt. Yep, that's right. We Americans are spoiled little brats accustomed to a particular level of comfort. Honestly, even before I knew about the lack of power I had considered not staying for the teaching hour because I didn't feel the best today. I took a pain reliever because my scraped hand from yesterday has been giving me grief.

Is it fun to sit in a huge room with no air conditioning and a bunch of other people in the middle of a Texas summer? No, but think about churches in other countries. Places like India, where they probably get just as hot and never have the AC luxuries we do, but where they still gather week after week because they want to.

2. "Singing and Making Melody" (Eph. 5:19). Without the PA system or the computers to run the slides, our opening singing time was a bit more challenging. But honestly, I liked it better. Without the speakers increasing the volume of the instruments, I could hear the actual singing. While I appreciate the work the musicians put into playing, it was fun to actually experience singing together as a church body....although I must admit our church definitely shouldn't make a recording...some of us can't sing exceptionally well ;-)

3. "Let the Little Children Come." This one ties into the last one. With the little kids not being in the nursery, they were in the service instead. And I loved hearing one little girl (probably age 3 or 4) belting out the choruses on the songs. I sure didn't mind the couple times a baby cried either. But that may just be because I love kids :)

4. Be Real With Me. It was an interesting phenomenon...but with no PA system, no AC, and no lights other than sunlight coming in windows and doors, the whole atmosphere of the service seemed more relaxed, less "put-on," and more real. Several men took off their suit coats. The sharing seemed more off-the-cuff. We laughed more. It just felt nice. Usually, men walk down to the lecterns because that's where the mics are. The rest of us sit in our pews, separated by the distance, however small, and hearing the voice over the speakers. There's almost a disconnect between the person talking and the congregation---something I didn't realize was there until I recognized that it was gone today.

5. Jesus as the Light of the World. In God's timing, the opener had previously planned to share from 2 Cor. 4:4-6, which talks about how the gospel is a light to us in a world of darkness. One of the songs we sang was "Shine, Jesus Shine," a song which I have really appreciated since I first heard it on a friend's favorite CD eight or nine years ago. As we were singing the song and as various men got up and shared about different ways Christ is our light, I couldn't help but think about it. He is the Light, the fuel, to banish the darkness of the world. We are to be like lamps or like mirrors, carrying or reflecting the power of His gospel.

So there you have it - a few things you can learn at church, even without power. Honestly, I think every church should have a blackout Sunday once in a while. It has the capability of serving as a good reminder of our blessings and breaking us out of the routine-ness that is always a danger in our spiritual lives.

I have FAILED..................But God!

Guys, I need help - I need prayer. On Friday at work I flared out in anger at these boys that I really do love as though they were my little brothers.

I try not to talk about the challenging details of my work all that much because I don't want to complain/gossip/be self-praising by talking about everything I deal with. Suffice it to say that both boys are sinners just like the rest of us and often want their own way just like I do.

On Friday I ran out of patience and blew it. I was truly sorry for what I had done within two minutes, but the damage had been done and we had a rough hour or so. Thankfully by the end of the day our relationship was in better shape again.

Nevertheless I felt incredibly guilty for what happened, and still do to some extent. I have confessed that what I did was very wrong and said I am sorry. I know that Christ's righteousness covers this sin and failure just as it covers all of my sin. But it's hardest to forgive myself. How could I have let this happen???

Honestly, my flesh just responded to the child's actions like he has responded to me repeatedly in the past. But I'm not supposed to act that way. I'm supposed to be the Christian who has limitless self-control in responding firmly and yet kindly to a little sinful child, trying to guide him toward building a better character. But on Friday, my self-control failed me. In responding in anger, I not only damaged my relationship with the boys, I also marred my Christian witness. It was that thought that brought tears to my eyes when i had some time alone to think it over.

I think the problem is that I have been trying to do this in my power. I have failed to fully recognize the spiritual warfare nature of my work. Satan doesn't want me to love these boys unconditionally. He wants me to fight back in anger. I ran out of patience because I wasn't relying on God's power to work through me. I have failed to cover my work in prayer - daily, hourly, even moment by moment.

What I do is not easy. As Friday's happenings clearly showed, what I want to do is impossible unless I'm relying only on God's strength. That's where you all come in. I'm asking you to please pray for me, whenever you think of me. Please pray that I would not try to love and teach these boys out of my own strength, because that will fail miserably. Please pray that God will give me wisdom in how to respond to trying circumstances. Please pray that I may in some small way show these boys the love of God.

In the end, if nothing else, my experience with the boys constantly reminds me to be thankful for God's entirely unconditional love for me, for us. In our sin, we act just like these two boys (Eph. 2:1-3). But God loved us even when we were unlovable, when we hated Him, despised Him, spat in His face (Eph. 2:4-10). And even now, when I make choices that grieve Him deeply, He still loves me, always.

I am not God. I knew that, of course, but Friday reminded me of it once again. BUT His power is available to me, when I choose to live and act through the power of His Spirit instead of in my weak and fleshly attempts. May it be so in my life - tomorrow, next week, next month.

A Great Morning to be in Church :)

Oh my, today’s been AMAZING and it’s only 3:00 in the afternoon! My God is so gracious and so amazing and so patient. He just keeps opening my eyes wider and wider and teaching me more and more!!!!!!!!

It started with the worship service at church this morning. My church here has an open worship service, where any men in the body can stand up and share whatever is on their hearts. Typically in the past it hasn’t always been all that meaningful to me…but the problem has been with me and not with what is being shared. But this morning was different. I could see how what each man said fit together and applied to me. It had meaning and wasn’t just something that seemed lifeless.

Before I really get into today, let me back up and say that not too much exciting had happened spiritually in my life since my last post. Other than one weekend of conviction and regret turned to praise, my spiritual walk had hit the summer slump I had expected. I’m reading through a chronological Bible in a year, but I have mainly been just going through the motions. Today in church was different – it was alive.

Our opener started the meeting by reading Hebrews 10:11-22 about how animal sacrifices could never truly cleanse people from sin, but how Christ’s sacrifice does provide complete and final cleansing. I love Hebrews so much. It’s definitely one of my top five favorite books in the Bible. In this passage, I especially like verses 19 and 22: “Therefore brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus…let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” He also read from a hymn that summed it up nicely, though I can’t remember now which hymn it was!

The next man read from John 15:9 and talked some about how Christ loves us with the same love which the Father has for Him. We can’t begin to comprehend exactly what that love is like, but some of the words that came to my mind to describe it were: eternal—limitless—unchanging—perfect.

Another person shared a story from his childhood about how he broke his toe, an injury that took six months to heal. He kept limping even after it healed, however. He tied that idea into Hebrews 9:14—Even though we have been completely cleansed by Christ’s blood, we sometimes still walk with a limp of sin. But God has cleansed us in order that we may serve Him. This is how I feel a lot of the time, and I had a similar limping experience when I bruised my foot badly last month.

After he shared, it was as though I heard a voice inside of me whispering “Keep Listening. Keep Seeking. Yearn for Me and I will fulfill you.” It’s so easy to be distracted by our failures, our busy life, whatever. But the only solid place and the only place of no regrets is when our focus is on God and His will for our lives.

Referring to Exodus 14 and 15, the next man talked about how even though Israelites had just seen God perform amazing miracles in Egypt and the Red Sea, they put their focus on their physical needs rather than remembering that God could easily provide for them.

Another man read Jeremiah 31:27-34 (which I love!) about how God remains faithful even when we are not.

Lastly, we did a responsive reading that included Hebrews 10:14, and it struck me. The verse talks about how Christ has “perfected forever” (past tense/completed) those who “are being sanctified” (present tense/ongoing). It’s so hard for me to get my mind around that….I am completely perfect in Christ, and yet there is this daily, ongoing choice to live in it or not.

Looking back and trying to recapture that sense of what I was learning this morning is difficult. In some ways, it makes me worry that I’m turning into an experientialist… that I’m basing my spiritual health on these experiences that I’ve been having. I know that having the experiences isn’t enough. I believe that spiritual experiences are valid, but they must always be based in God’s Word and revealed truth. Also, I shouldn’t just live for the experiences. I should live out what I learn in my daily life. The practical application is always harder to accomplish than the feelings of joy and spiritual understanding. But as I choose to continue seeking my Savior’s face, I have faith in Him that I will grow in my knowledge and in my walk.

Love and Joy

A lot has happened since my last post. It was a challenging last six weeks of the semester, but at the same time it was a time of learning and growing and being blessed by God. I am so very grateful for those weeks. So here’s an explanation of what I mean. Hopefully in the next couple weeks I will be able to back up and blog about what God taught me earlier in the semester too.

The first couple weeks after Spring Break were filled with the usual ups and downs of life. Then, on April 18 as I was working in the library an old friend started chatting with me on Facebook. She told me that our mutual friend’s boyfriend had died in a private plane crash that evening. My attitude took a nose dive with that information. It was the third time this semester that a young man I know has suddenly died. As that realization sunk in, I felt weighed down, depressed, and fearful. Never before had I been so aware of death’s blow, and I worried where it might strike next.

On Wednesday the 20^th it was still weighing heavily on my mind, combined with other things too. I posted on my Facebook: “I'm tired. Tired in body, mind, spirit, the whole deal. I am so ready for this week, this semester to be over. And yet there's two more days. There's 2.5 more weeks. And even then, life won't necessarily get any easier. Lord God, please show me how to live in Your strength. Teach me to trust and rest in You. 2 Cor. 4:16-18.” I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to be done with everything.

Due to a variety of factors, I felt what I really needed was a good cry. I went out to the prayer room in the Walker student center. Sitting in the dark on the floor by a small cross, I sobbed for a while, trying to pray—trying to make sense of how I was feeling and why this was happening. As I sat there I asked God to send His peace because otherwise I knew I couldn’t make it through the day. Almost immediately, my sobbing stopped. My prayer was answered. I continued sitting there for a few moments reflecting & worshipping.

After I went back to my room, I updated my status: “His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Praise be to His name.” I also included a quote from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: ‎"Trials never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is a feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: We've won it. It's going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things."

The next day was Maundy Thursday, so in chapel we had a Tenebrae service. Afterward, I went back to my room and did some journaling. “There’s so very much I take for granted,” I wrote. “Sometimes the curtain is pulled aside and I get a glimpse of the bigger picture, putting things into perspective. But it’s so easy to turn from that window and focus on the snow globe of my life, with all the minor details and the flurry of my life—typically created by me.”

I then felt a call to surrender my hopes/dreams/expectations of life to God—to submit myself more fully to His plan for my life. After spending some time praying through that, I was flooded with a feeling of joy, more than I ever had been before. I hadn’t realized I was missing out on joy in my life until it came pouring in. Thus, my Easter weekend was a good time of relaxation and peace, unlike last year when I had been super stressed and very tempted not to even go to church.

The next Saturday, the 30^th, God gave me another time of wonderful communion with Him. I felt called to go out to the hundred stairs at 9:30 or so. It was dark, but the weather was nice. I was able to just spend time worshipping and resting in Him. I felt wrapped in the arms of His love, and I felt beautiful in His sight. Again, I was flooded with God’s joy. Walking back to my room I wanted to sing and dance and shout and skip. I had a huge grin on my face – so big I felt a little silly.

Sunday the 1^st was the last Gathering. I went since the speaker was my Passion Group leader. The time of worship beforehand was particularly meaningful to me. We sang one of the songs I really appreciate – “Yahweh.” Later that evening as I again journaled, I could see how much God has done for me recently. Contentment. Faithfulness. Trust. Those are some of the lessons He has been teaching me. And then also giving me greater experiences of His love and joy than I have had before.

My God is amazing. I am so thankful to Him for this past semester. It’s been so tough at times—but I have learned so much. Through His strength, may I continue to apply it and live by His power and for Him alone.

As I wrote this post, a couple songs that played on my mp3 player really seemed to sum up this post: “Come People of the Risen King” by the Gettys and “Come Let Us Worship and Bow Down."

What I'm Learning

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I’ve waited far too long to do this. For the past two months or so, God has been teaching me a lot. And I’ve been meaning to sit down and blog about it, but it hasn’t happened. But I need to take the time to do this. And today, after writing two news stories, doing today’s homework, doing tomorrow’s homework, and doing half of Wednesday’s homework (all of which didn’t amount to all that much), I am going to do it.

I’m going to start with the most recent saga, because I don’t want to lose any of the details by waiting to do it. It started Saturday evening and is still unfolding. Saturday, Nathan and I spent all afternoon and evening at a track meet. While I had a great time surprising & seeing old friends, my spirits went down with the sun. The realization was hitting me that my week of Spring Break was over…that the next day I would have to return to college…that I hadn’t done everything I wanted to.

The weather turned windy and cold. Darkness stole over the field. I shivered uncontrollably, since I had failed to check the weather and bring a jacket. At the same time, the sunburn of my stupidity caused my arms, neck, and legs to radiate heat. My hand’s poison-ivy-type affliction had been inflamed by the heat of the early afternoon. In short, I was miserable.

Arriving home, I ate super with my family – the last supper we will have together until mid-June. I went to take a shower, eager for its noise to stifle the sound of the sobs I knew were coming. I’ve felt like this so many times before. Depressed by what I haven’t gotten done. Downtrodden by the seeming uselessness of what I do with my life. Wondering why God seems so far away. Questioning why this happens to me over and over and over again.

Earlier that morning, I had met Mrs. Stewart for breakfast so we could catch up. And one of the things we had discussed was C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, and how we rarely think about the evil part of the unseen realm. That night, sitting in my bedroom and still fighting the urge to cry, I realized that part of what I was feeling could be a spiritual attack. I prayed, asking God for the strength to live for Him and Him alone so that I wouldn’t feel these nagging regrets so constantly. While I still didn’t want to head back to college, I was able to move past my pity party and get myself packed up and ready.

After a restless night’s sleep, I woke up to once again face reality. Nathan was delivered to the airport to return to USAFA in Colorado Springs. And I decided to go to church with my dad and mom rather than face the questions at my home church. God knew that was just what I needed. Throughout the worship time before the sermon, He spoke to me through the songs as the tears flowed down my cheeks. “Rest and trust in Me, My child,” He said. “I am the only source of satisfaction.”

The pastor spoke from the letter to the Laodiceans in Revelations 3:14-20. He said the problem with that church was that it was useless to Christ. In order to be of any use to Christ, the body of believers must maintain an open door in their relationship to Christ (vs. 20).

As my parents and I drove through the gloomy, chilly, misty weather to North Texas where I’d be catch a ride back to school, my heart was singing of God’s faithfulness. It was well with my soul, even if circumstances were not exactly to my liking.

All those happenings of yesterday don’t mean that today has been easy. On the contrary, I have battled more gloomy chilly weather, fought with technology, and felt overwhelmed by the rat race of school. But I know deep down inside that there is a better way, IF I take my eyes off what I see and focus on Christ. Doing all things for His honor and glory alone is the only way to find satisfaction and contentment in this life. Everything else is like chasing after the wind. May it be true of me through His power and to His glory alone.

state of my spirit

Well, it's been over a year since I've posted on here. I just haven't really had any strong inclination (or haven't had the time when I did have the inclination) to post on this blog. A lot has happened in that year. I've moved to college and then gone back home for the summer and now come back to college again. Has college changed me some? Yes, it has. I don't see how it could *not* have changed me. Now, that may make it sound like I doubt my faith. *I don't.* None of my core beliefs have changed at all. Mainly, I am a little more open to other styles of worshiping Jesus. Sometimes it has definitely stretched me and taken me out of my comfort zone some, but I believe it has, over all, been good for me. I have had plenty of spiritual ups and downs. I so often wish that I didn't. I want my relationship with Jesus to always be what I think it ought to be, but it isn't. Sometimes I don't understand why my feelings don't line up with where I would like them to be. But I know this: He is faithful regardless of what my feelings say, and He is always with me, and He loves me. My deepest heart's cry and desire is to love Him and serve Him more each day of my life. But my mind and my emotions and my body don't always keep that at the forefront.

Anyway, what I got on here to write about was the trip I went on to a Benedictine monastery the first weekend of school. I'm one of about 15 mentors for a class here called Honors Orientation, and we went on a retreat August 27th-29th to talk about the class. I had gone to the monastery at Subiaco last semester as part of a "colloquium" (an honors class that usually involves reading a book and taking a short trip - in this case, studying the contemplative life). My experience that weekend was quite different than it was this time. I may post about the first time some day, but right now suffice it to say I basically experienced some "culture shock" and had some prejudices to work through. This time was fairly different in that way, because I knew what to expect. Also, most of our time was spent discussing things for the Honors Orientation class rather than learning about the monastic way of life. We did go to Morning, Noon, and Vesper prayers with the monks though.

On Saturday we had a couple hours of free time to do whatever we wanted. The first trip, the free time was specifically a time of quietness, every one on their own. Mine this time was like that too. Last time, it had been raining and I had been disappointed that I couldn't go walking. This time, the weather was absolutely beautiful. I walked down a path through a somewhat wooded area, singing worship songs and praying for the girls I am mentoring. I eventually wound up in the farm area of the monastery (they raise cows), and I climbed on top of a hay bale to read my Bible. I read through what I've heard one teacher call "The Valedictory Address of our Lord," John 13-17. I just took a few verses at a time and read them several times before moving on. Those chapters just really ministered to me. I spent about an hour and a half on top of that hay bale - loving every moment. Then, I went back to my room and spent about 45 minutes praying through the chapters, verse by verse. Sometimes songs would come to mind and I'd sing them. It was just a wonderful time of worship. I hadn't ever done anything quite like that, and I'm so glad the Spirit blessed me through that time. So often when I read the Bible or try to have devotional times, I'm bombarded with other thoughts like "oh, I need to do this!" or "oh, what about that!" Both times I've been at the monastery, however, there's been none of that. I will always remember that time I spent in communion with my Savior.

The other day I spent some time praying through a shorter passage of Scripture during my devotional time that I have most mornings. I'm reading through Proverbs right now (almost done with it), and I'm also reading a book a friend gave me called "The Satisfied Heart: 31 Days of Experiencing God's Love" by Ruth Myers. At the end of each day's reading, she lists references to several verses talking about God's love. One of the references was Psalm 37:3-8, and the Holy Spirit spoke to me through those verses. Like at the monastery, I hardly had any distractions as I prayed those verses. Again, it was wonderful.

May the Holy Spirit continue to use those verses to mold my heart into what He desires it to be. Praise be to the Lord for what He has done!

The Truth Project: Lesson 6

Lesson 6 – History: Whose Story?
Remembering…Isaiah 46:9-11. Israel would get in trouble, God would rescue them, and He would tell them to remember His great works. God is in control – He is sovereign over the affairs of men! God has a plan and He is carrying it out. Galatians 4:4-5

The Past: Events which have already happened
The Future: Events which have not yet happened
The Present: “the very thin, nanosecond line converting the future into the past”
What you believe in the present is determined by the past. Thus remembering is very important and history is extremely critical!
The story of “I, Rigoberta Menchu”: a very sad autobiography about life under Guatemalan gorillas which won the author a Nobel Peace prize. It was placed on many school’s reading lists. However, David Stoll discovered that many of the incidents in the story had not occurred. When questioned about this, another professor said it didn’t matter whether or not the book was true…it could be used to teach students about abuse of women. This is a very troubling idea – that something which did not actually happen could be taught as fact in order to make a point.
The Mayflower Compact – Version taught in schools leaves out the references to God which are in the original…thus it loses the whole reason they pilgrims came!

“If I can change your historical context, I can change your present beliefs.”
There have been lies about history since the serpent in the Garden of Eden!!! It didn’t take long for lies about the resurrection to spread! Matthew 28:11-15
Lies = historical revisionism (which is very prevalent today)
When you rewrite the past, you can make people believe whatever you want.
Guess which book comes under the greatest historical attack?? The Bible! People say it has been changed, that it isn’t accurate, etc. etc. In reality, the historical data for the Bible is overwhelming! Of all the ancient books, the Bible has the greatest amount of manuscript evidence. Compare the New Testament, for example, to the Iliad by Homer (which no one questions!). Plato wrote in 900 BC. The earliest manuscripts we have of his works were copied in 400 BC, 500 years later! Furthermore, we only have 643 manuscript copies! With the New Testament, however, the earliest copy was written only 25 years after the original, and we have around 24,000 manuscripts.
Why is it, then, that no one seriously questions the Iliad yet everyone questions the New Testament?
George Orwell – He who controls the past controls the future!!!

Israel’s Memorial Stones: Joshua 4:17 – But they didn’t do too well at remembering, so God would have to rescue them, then they would forget and sin again – Judges 2:16-17.
Why did they tassels, the Passover, etc.? To remind them of God’s work in their history.
The problem with us: forgetting what we should remember (God’s providence, etc.) and remembering what we should forget (sin which we have confessed and which as been forgiven).
Dairyample: Without History, life had no meaning.
Os Guinness: Where we have come from is a key to who we are – we have no identity without our past.
Deuteronomy 8:10-20 – God warned the people of Israel: be careful and remember, otherwise you will forget and become proud. That is exactly what happened! As a result, the Lord sent them a famine of hearing His word: Amos 8:11. That is a picture of a destroyed nation…one that is without God’s word. To avoid that, we must filter history the same as any other subject – by taking every thought captive: 2 Corinthians 10:3-5.

A false picture of God by H.G. Wells: God is like a frantic director of a play who’s stage has just caught fire, running around and unable to do anything about it.
That is not true. Rather, God is sovereign!!! Acts 4:27-28
The problem is that I want to be the one in control…
So did Ahab in 1 Kings 22, but guess what happened? Ahab’s plan failed. God uses even “chance” to accomplish His will, sometimes despite our best efforts!

Antinomy and Paradox in Scripture
First – Last; Weak – Strong; Live – Die; Free Agents – God’s Sovereignty

Jean-Francois Lyotard: postmodernism = an incredulity towards metanarratives. (a Metanarrative is any large story giving an all-encompassing plan to history)
Gordon Pennington from Burning Media: Modernism placed Reason above Religion, while Postmodernism rejects both. In postmodernism, everyone tells their own story however they want to tell it.

Photo albums – filled with stories of our lives. God’s grand story is like a photo album of His work. Hebrews 11
Myopia is near-sightedness – everyone has natural myopia at times…we get so focused on our own story that we lose sight of God’s big picture. The Bible is God’s larger story. History is not about ME…we must be caught up into God’s larger story rather than stay focused on our little lives.