Love and Joy

A lot has happened since my last post. It was a challenging last six weeks of the semester, but at the same time it was a time of learning and growing and being blessed by God. I am so very grateful for those weeks. So here’s an explanation of what I mean. Hopefully in the next couple weeks I will be able to back up and blog about what God taught me earlier in the semester too.

The first couple weeks after Spring Break were filled with the usual ups and downs of life. Then, on April 18 as I was working in the library an old friend started chatting with me on Facebook. She told me that our mutual friend’s boyfriend had died in a private plane crash that evening. My attitude took a nose dive with that information. It was the third time this semester that a young man I know has suddenly died. As that realization sunk in, I felt weighed down, depressed, and fearful. Never before had I been so aware of death’s blow, and I worried where it might strike next.

On Wednesday the 20^th it was still weighing heavily on my mind, combined with other things too. I posted on my Facebook: “I'm tired. Tired in body, mind, spirit, the whole deal. I am so ready for this week, this semester to be over. And yet there's two more days. There's 2.5 more weeks. And even then, life won't necessarily get any easier. Lord God, please show me how to live in Your strength. Teach me to trust and rest in You. 2 Cor. 4:16-18.” I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to be done with everything.

Due to a variety of factors, I felt what I really needed was a good cry. I went out to the prayer room in the Walker student center. Sitting in the dark on the floor by a small cross, I sobbed for a while, trying to pray—trying to make sense of how I was feeling and why this was happening. As I sat there I asked God to send His peace because otherwise I knew I couldn’t make it through the day. Almost immediately, my sobbing stopped. My prayer was answered. I continued sitting there for a few moments reflecting & worshipping.

After I went back to my room, I updated my status: “His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Praise be to His name.” I also included a quote from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: ‎"Trials never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is a feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: We've won it. It's going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things."

The next day was Maundy Thursday, so in chapel we had a Tenebrae service. Afterward, I went back to my room and did some journaling. “There’s so very much I take for granted,” I wrote. “Sometimes the curtain is pulled aside and I get a glimpse of the bigger picture, putting things into perspective. But it’s so easy to turn from that window and focus on the snow globe of my life, with all the minor details and the flurry of my life—typically created by me.”

I then felt a call to surrender my hopes/dreams/expectations of life to God—to submit myself more fully to His plan for my life. After spending some time praying through that, I was flooded with a feeling of joy, more than I ever had been before. I hadn’t realized I was missing out on joy in my life until it came pouring in. Thus, my Easter weekend was a good time of relaxation and peace, unlike last year when I had been super stressed and very tempted not to even go to church.

The next Saturday, the 30^th, God gave me another time of wonderful communion with Him. I felt called to go out to the hundred stairs at 9:30 or so. It was dark, but the weather was nice. I was able to just spend time worshipping and resting in Him. I felt wrapped in the arms of His love, and I felt beautiful in His sight. Again, I was flooded with God’s joy. Walking back to my room I wanted to sing and dance and shout and skip. I had a huge grin on my face – so big I felt a little silly.

Sunday the 1^st was the last Gathering. I went since the speaker was my Passion Group leader. The time of worship beforehand was particularly meaningful to me. We sang one of the songs I really appreciate – “Yahweh.” Later that evening as I again journaled, I could see how much God has done for me recently. Contentment. Faithfulness. Trust. Those are some of the lessons He has been teaching me. And then also giving me greater experiences of His love and joy than I have had before.

My God is amazing. I am so thankful to Him for this past semester. It’s been so tough at times—but I have learned so much. Through His strength, may I continue to apply it and live by His power and for Him alone.

As I wrote this post, a couple songs that played on my mp3 player really seemed to sum up this post: “Come People of the Risen King” by the Gettys and “Come Let Us Worship and Bow Down."

What I'm Learning

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I’ve waited far too long to do this. For the past two months or so, God has been teaching me a lot. And I’ve been meaning to sit down and blog about it, but it hasn’t happened. But I need to take the time to do this. And today, after writing two news stories, doing today’s homework, doing tomorrow’s homework, and doing half of Wednesday’s homework (all of which didn’t amount to all that much), I am going to do it.

I’m going to start with the most recent saga, because I don’t want to lose any of the details by waiting to do it. It started Saturday evening and is still unfolding. Saturday, Nathan and I spent all afternoon and evening at a track meet. While I had a great time surprising & seeing old friends, my spirits went down with the sun. The realization was hitting me that my week of Spring Break was over…that the next day I would have to return to college…that I hadn’t done everything I wanted to.

The weather turned windy and cold. Darkness stole over the field. I shivered uncontrollably, since I had failed to check the weather and bring a jacket. At the same time, the sunburn of my stupidity caused my arms, neck, and legs to radiate heat. My hand’s poison-ivy-type affliction had been inflamed by the heat of the early afternoon. In short, I was miserable.

Arriving home, I ate super with my family – the last supper we will have together until mid-June. I went to take a shower, eager for its noise to stifle the sound of the sobs I knew were coming. I’ve felt like this so many times before. Depressed by what I haven’t gotten done. Downtrodden by the seeming uselessness of what I do with my life. Wondering why God seems so far away. Questioning why this happens to me over and over and over again.

Earlier that morning, I had met Mrs. Stewart for breakfast so we could catch up. And one of the things we had discussed was C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, and how we rarely think about the evil part of the unseen realm. That night, sitting in my bedroom and still fighting the urge to cry, I realized that part of what I was feeling could be a spiritual attack. I prayed, asking God for the strength to live for Him and Him alone so that I wouldn’t feel these nagging regrets so constantly. While I still didn’t want to head back to college, I was able to move past my pity party and get myself packed up and ready.

After a restless night’s sleep, I woke up to once again face reality. Nathan was delivered to the airport to return to USAFA in Colorado Springs. And I decided to go to church with my dad and mom rather than face the questions at my home church. God knew that was just what I needed. Throughout the worship time before the sermon, He spoke to me through the songs as the tears flowed down my cheeks. “Rest and trust in Me, My child,” He said. “I am the only source of satisfaction.”

The pastor spoke from the letter to the Laodiceans in Revelations 3:14-20. He said the problem with that church was that it was useless to Christ. In order to be of any use to Christ, the body of believers must maintain an open door in their relationship to Christ (vs. 20).

As my parents and I drove through the gloomy, chilly, misty weather to North Texas where I’d be catch a ride back to school, my heart was singing of God’s faithfulness. It was well with my soul, even if circumstances were not exactly to my liking.

All those happenings of yesterday don’t mean that today has been easy. On the contrary, I have battled more gloomy chilly weather, fought with technology, and felt overwhelmed by the rat race of school. But I know deep down inside that there is a better way, IF I take my eyes off what I see and focus on Christ. Doing all things for His honor and glory alone is the only way to find satisfaction and contentment in this life. Everything else is like chasing after the wind. May it be true of me through His power and to His glory alone.

state of my spirit

Well, it's been over a year since I've posted on here. I just haven't really had any strong inclination (or haven't had the time when I did have the inclination) to post on this blog. A lot has happened in that year. I've moved to college and then gone back home for the summer and now come back to college again. Has college changed me some? Yes, it has. I don't see how it could *not* have changed me. Now, that may make it sound like I doubt my faith. *I don't.* None of my core beliefs have changed at all. Mainly, I am a little more open to other styles of worshiping Jesus. Sometimes it has definitely stretched me and taken me out of my comfort zone some, but I believe it has, over all, been good for me. I have had plenty of spiritual ups and downs. I so often wish that I didn't. I want my relationship with Jesus to always be what I think it ought to be, but it isn't. Sometimes I don't understand why my feelings don't line up with where I would like them to be. But I know this: He is faithful regardless of what my feelings say, and He is always with me, and He loves me. My deepest heart's cry and desire is to love Him and serve Him more each day of my life. But my mind and my emotions and my body don't always keep that at the forefront.

Anyway, what I got on here to write about was the trip I went on to a Benedictine monastery the first weekend of school. I'm one of about 15 mentors for a class here called Honors Orientation, and we went on a retreat August 27th-29th to talk about the class. I had gone to the monastery at Subiaco last semester as part of a "colloquium" (an honors class that usually involves reading a book and taking a short trip - in this case, studying the contemplative life). My experience that weekend was quite different than it was this time. I may post about the first time some day, but right now suffice it to say I basically experienced some "culture shock" and had some prejudices to work through. This time was fairly different in that way, because I knew what to expect. Also, most of our time was spent discussing things for the Honors Orientation class rather than learning about the monastic way of life. We did go to Morning, Noon, and Vesper prayers with the monks though.

On Saturday we had a couple hours of free time to do whatever we wanted. The first trip, the free time was specifically a time of quietness, every one on their own. Mine this time was like that too. Last time, it had been raining and I had been disappointed that I couldn't go walking. This time, the weather was absolutely beautiful. I walked down a path through a somewhat wooded area, singing worship songs and praying for the girls I am mentoring. I eventually wound up in the farm area of the monastery (they raise cows), and I climbed on top of a hay bale to read my Bible. I read through what I've heard one teacher call "The Valedictory Address of our Lord," John 13-17. I just took a few verses at a time and read them several times before moving on. Those chapters just really ministered to me. I spent about an hour and a half on top of that hay bale - loving every moment. Then, I went back to my room and spent about 45 minutes praying through the chapters, verse by verse. Sometimes songs would come to mind and I'd sing them. It was just a wonderful time of worship. I hadn't ever done anything quite like that, and I'm so glad the Spirit blessed me through that time. So often when I read the Bible or try to have devotional times, I'm bombarded with other thoughts like "oh, I need to do this!" or "oh, what about that!" Both times I've been at the monastery, however, there's been none of that. I will always remember that time I spent in communion with my Savior.

The other day I spent some time praying through a shorter passage of Scripture during my devotional time that I have most mornings. I'm reading through Proverbs right now (almost done with it), and I'm also reading a book a friend gave me called "The Satisfied Heart: 31 Days of Experiencing God's Love" by Ruth Myers. At the end of each day's reading, she lists references to several verses talking about God's love. One of the references was Psalm 37:3-8, and the Holy Spirit spoke to me through those verses. Like at the monastery, I hardly had any distractions as I prayed those verses. Again, it was wonderful.

May the Holy Spirit continue to use those verses to mold my heart into what He desires it to be. Praise be to the Lord for what He has done!

The Truth Project: Lesson 6

Lesson 6 – History: Whose Story?
Remembering…Isaiah 46:9-11. Israel would get in trouble, God would rescue them, and He would tell them to remember His great works. God is in control – He is sovereign over the affairs of men! God has a plan and He is carrying it out. Galatians 4:4-5

The Past: Events which have already happened
The Future: Events which have not yet happened
The Present: “the very thin, nanosecond line converting the future into the past”
What you believe in the present is determined by the past. Thus remembering is very important and history is extremely critical!
The story of “I, Rigoberta Menchu”: a very sad autobiography about life under Guatemalan gorillas which won the author a Nobel Peace prize. It was placed on many school’s reading lists. However, David Stoll discovered that many of the incidents in the story had not occurred. When questioned about this, another professor said it didn’t matter whether or not the book was true…it could be used to teach students about abuse of women. This is a very troubling idea – that something which did not actually happen could be taught as fact in order to make a point.
The Mayflower Compact – Version taught in schools leaves out the references to God which are in the original…thus it loses the whole reason they pilgrims came!

“If I can change your historical context, I can change your present beliefs.”
There have been lies about history since the serpent in the Garden of Eden!!! It didn’t take long for lies about the resurrection to spread! Matthew 28:11-15
Lies = historical revisionism (which is very prevalent today)
When you rewrite the past, you can make people believe whatever you want.
Guess which book comes under the greatest historical attack?? The Bible! People say it has been changed, that it isn’t accurate, etc. etc. In reality, the historical data for the Bible is overwhelming! Of all the ancient books, the Bible has the greatest amount of manuscript evidence. Compare the New Testament, for example, to the Iliad by Homer (which no one questions!). Plato wrote in 900 BC. The earliest manuscripts we have of his works were copied in 400 BC, 500 years later! Furthermore, we only have 643 manuscript copies! With the New Testament, however, the earliest copy was written only 25 years after the original, and we have around 24,000 manuscripts.
Why is it, then, that no one seriously questions the Iliad yet everyone questions the New Testament?
George Orwell – He who controls the past controls the future!!!

Israel’s Memorial Stones: Joshua 4:17 – But they didn’t do too well at remembering, so God would have to rescue them, then they would forget and sin again – Judges 2:16-17.
Why did they tassels, the Passover, etc.? To remind them of God’s work in their history.
The problem with us: forgetting what we should remember (God’s providence, etc.) and remembering what we should forget (sin which we have confessed and which as been forgiven).
Dairyample: Without History, life had no meaning.
Os Guinness: Where we have come from is a key to who we are – we have no identity without our past.
Deuteronomy 8:10-20 – God warned the people of Israel: be careful and remember, otherwise you will forget and become proud. That is exactly what happened! As a result, the Lord sent them a famine of hearing His word: Amos 8:11. That is a picture of a destroyed nation…one that is without God’s word. To avoid that, we must filter history the same as any other subject – by taking every thought captive: 2 Corinthians 10:3-5.

A false picture of God by H.G. Wells: God is like a frantic director of a play who’s stage has just caught fire, running around and unable to do anything about it.
That is not true. Rather, God is sovereign!!! Acts 4:27-28
The problem is that I want to be the one in control…
So did Ahab in 1 Kings 22, but guess what happened? Ahab’s plan failed. God uses even “chance” to accomplish His will, sometimes despite our best efforts!

Antinomy and Paradox in Scripture
First – Last; Weak – Strong; Live – Die; Free Agents – God’s Sovereignty

Jean-Francois Lyotard: postmodernism = an incredulity towards metanarratives. (a Metanarrative is any large story giving an all-encompassing plan to history)
Gordon Pennington from Burning Media: Modernism placed Reason above Religion, while Postmodernism rejects both. In postmodernism, everyone tells their own story however they want to tell it.

Photo albums – filled with stories of our lives. God’s grand story is like a photo album of His work. Hebrews 11
Myopia is near-sightedness – everyone has natural myopia at times…we get so focused on our own story that we lose sight of God’s big picture. The Bible is God’s larger story. History is not about ME…we must be caught up into God’s larger story rather than stay focused on our little lives.

The Truth Project: Lesson 5

Lesson 5 – Science: What is True? [This lesson was in two parts - two hours instead of the typical one]
In this tour, it is important that you be objective and listen to the evidence.

Psalm 19:1-4 – The box (the universe, see lesson 2 about the cosmic cube) is noisy! There is a lot going on inside of it. God displays His glory through His work in the box.

Counting the stars – various attempts throughout the ages. In 2003, the star count was 70 sextillion: 70 with 21 zeros after it!

The Universe is NOT random and chaotic. God reveals Himself in Creation (Romans 1:18-20). We almost have to go out of our way to deny His existence. Only a fool says that there is no God – Psalm 53:1.

The Great Cosmological Question: Where did the cosmos come from???
Two possible answers:
It had a beginning – there was nothing, and then there was something
It has always existed – eternal cosmos, but it is eventually winding down
Without God in the picture (assuming number one), there was nothing nothing and then BOOM…there was everything. Sartre: Why is there something rather than nothing???
Evolutionists are men of faith too! They believe that something came from absolutely nothing!
Questions to consider –
Why is anything in motion rather than everything being still?
Why is there order instead of chaos?
Why is there life instead of deadness?
Why is there music?

If something came from nothing, there are two options:
God created – therefore He exists and is revealed through special and general revelation
The Cosmos created the world using eons of time – the impossible becomes possible, that something can come from absolutely nothing
Sagan: to find the truth we need imagination [that’s for sure!!] and skepticism

Science
The systematic study of “stuff in the box”àphilosophy and science are very closely linked. Philosophy deals with the universals, Science deals with the particulars. Now, however, science is trying to answer the big philosophical questions of where the world came from and where it is going.
Kepler said that the chief aim of science is to study the work of God’s hands.

Ed Myer – The Scientific Revolution was based on the idea that the universe is rationally designed!
True randomness means that there is nothing intelligible!!! Where does the information in the world around us come from?
Unlocking the Mystery of Life DVD: 20 kinds of amino acids, arranged like letters in words to form proteins which then form every part of our bodies. The code (or dictionary) for the amino acids is in the DNA…DNA is required to form the correct chain of amino acids. Such a code really could not come about merely by chance. Example: try dropping scrabble letters onto a table and coming up with two lines from Hamlet: “To be or not to be, that is the question.” It really isn’t possible!
Dr. Tackett – not just that, but you have to get the scrabble letters from somewhere!

Scientific method: HypothesisàTheoryàLaw
Hypothesis: collecting data and making an assumption of what typically happens
Theory: predicting what will happen
Law: a broad truth claim that applies to all of reality

William Paley: Natural Theology – if you find a pocket watch in the woods, you know that there was obviously a designer. Dawkins tried to refute such an idea in his book The Blind Watchmaker….

Really, the evidence of design is plain. People don’t drive by Mount Rushmore and praise the winds and the rain. Kids do not find arrowheads and get excited about how the creek shaped the rock. The same is true for the cosmos.

[Part 2]
The amazingly intricate process of blood clotting – a chain of reactions with many different chemicals, each of which must do its own part.

Sagan – Evolution has been verified by the fossil record and by molecular biology.
Is that true? What did Darwin say about it? How does the evidence of today’s science stack up?
Molecular Biology: Darwin said that “If it could be demonstrated that any complex organ existed, which could not possibly have been formed by numerous, successive, slight modifications, my theory would absolutely break down.”
At the time that Darwin wrote that, scientists believed that the cell was basically just a blob. Now, however, they know that it is itself a complex organ. The nucleus of the cell contains the DNA, which is copied to provide the patterns to make amino acids, which are linked together and folded in specific ways to form proteins (see above), which then fulfill various tasks throughout the body. The cell is not a blob, it is a fully functioning factory! There is no way that the cell could have formed by slight modifications. One of the smallest objects in the world strikes a heavy blow against Darwin’s theory, by his own admission.
Evolutionists of today prefer spontaneous generation over special creation, even though the idea of spontaneous generation was shown to be false by Louis Pasteur in the 1800’s.
The bacterial flagellum also causes problems for evolutionists. It is essentially an outboard motor on a little tiny creature – it has several parts, all of which MUST be there at the same time for it to function. This is what some scientists call “irreducible complexity” – just like a mouse trap which requires many pieces to be in the right place at the right time.
The Fossil Record: Darwin admitted that the lack of fossilized transitional forms was a big hit to his theory. He had great faith, however, that these so called “missing links” would be discovered in the following years.
However, the missing links are still missing. We have no fossils which are (without a doubt) transitional forms. Dr. Berlinski explains what a large problem this is by estimating how many transitional forms would be needed to go from a land creature to a creature that always lives in the sea (50,000). He then goes on to point out that with this huge number of intermediate creatures, we ought to have some indication of that process. But we don’t. We have the two separate classes of creatures with no real indication of a progression from one to the other.
The evolutionists’ answer to this dilemma is the punctuated equilibrium theory – that evolution occurred in large sudden bursts triggered by asteroid impacts or volcanic eruptions. Thus, the transitional forms all died in a very short time frame…too short to give fossilization an opportunity to preserve the process. The problem is that this theory is supported by a LACK of evidence, contrary to the way science is typically done!

Icons of Evolution
Darwin’s Finches – True, the beak size increased during the droughts, but then when the rain came the beak size decreased again…that is not very good evidence for changes form one species to another!
Haeckel’s Embryos – At the very least, Haeckel took much artistic license and intentionally over emphasized the similarities…yet these drawings still occur in many textbooks!

Soren Lovtrup – Evolution will someday be seen as the greatest scientific deceit of all times.
It is not merely a scientific truth claim; it is a philosophical truth claim! It is a world view, not just a scientific theory. This is the true battle ground of today. The secular society prefers evolution over creation because once they accept creation they also admit that there is a Creator to whom they are accountable.
G. Richard Bozarth – without Genesis (specifically Adam and Eve), Christ’s death is useless.
Laying a foundation at a young age for belief in a world without God can cause serious problems later in life.

The Truth Project: Lesson 4

Lesson 4 - Theology: Who is God?
God is infinite in width and breadth. Without God’s revelation, we couldn’t have a clue about Him.

Theology: The study of the existence, character, and attributes of God.
Colossians 2:2-3 – the true treasures from each world view tour are really about God, whether we are studying anthropology, veritology, etc.
Nothing that is true can contradict God’s character.
What the Westminster Confession says about God: “There is but one only, living, and true God, who is infinite in being and perfection, a most pure spirit, invisible, without body, parts, or passions; immutable, immense, eternal, incomprehensible, almighty, most wise, most holy, most free, most absolute; working all things according to the counsel of His own immutable and most righteous will, for His own glory; most loving, gracious, merciful, long-suffering, abundant in goodness and truth, forgiving iniquity, transgression, and sin; the rewarder of them that diligently seek Him; and withal, most just, and terrible in His judgments, hating all sin, and who will by no means clear the guilty.” And that just barely scratches the surface!

R.C. Sproul: the bane of our age is the eclipse of God. Man ignores His existence by focusing on himself. This does not change the reality of God, just hides it. Our passion should be to remove the shadow eclipsing God.

Eternal Life: John 17:1-3 – A conversation that has been occurring forever.
KNOWING GOD affects our relationships, social order, personal communication, ETC. It is an intimate knowledge, like Adam knew Eve. We do not know God primarily by studying the Scripture, but by knowing Christ (John 5).

Spurgeon said that “the highest science, the loftiest speculation, the mightiest philosophy” in which we can engage is the study of God. Paul: Philippians 3:8-10. God: Hosea 6:6, Jeremiah 9:23-24. You will never be able to know who you are until you gaze upon God’s face: Isaiah 6

Names of God
One which upsets many people: El Qanna – Deuteronomy 4:23-24 and Zechariah 8:2 – God is a Jealous God. His very name is Jealous – Exodus 34:14. Although many people find it offensive, God’s jealousy is a very good thing. His jealousy is a zeal against any sin that threatens His covenant relationships. It is therefore very unlike human jealousy (hating someone because they have something I want).

Theology is not to be a self centered quest, but rather a quest to know God which leads us to a greater understanding of ourselves.

God’s character and His Word are always under the greatest amount of attack by the world. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 R.C. Sproul says that 90% of the spiritual battle is directed against the existence of God and the trustworthiness of His Word. In the 1700’s, Voltaire claimed that there would be no Bible within 100 years of his death. 100 years later, his house was being used to store Bibles which were then spread throughout all of Europe!

[God is jealous for His glory. He will protect His word, and He will reveal Himself to those who have open hearts and minds.]

Perspective

I just published my first post on another blog I am part of! It is for the John Brown University summer reading program and is about "perspective" as pictured in the first book of Chaim Potok's The Chosen. Check it out if you want!
http://jbureads.blogspot.com/2009/06/perspective.html
P.S. we were asked not to do plot analysis...so if you haven't read the book it may not make a lot of sense. But it is an interesting book to read if you have the time :D