Slowly by Slowly

{I’m taking a wee break from the informal “series” I’ve been working my way through here, because this came to mind. And as I posted on Facebook this evening, I’m seeking to live in the moment, rooted in God.}

I’m a slow learner.

It might be that sometimes I’m good at hiding it, because I always try to look like I have everything together. But that doesn’t change the facts.

I’m still a slow learner.

Especially when it comes to the most critical lessons of all: those in the spiritual realm—relating to God, and those in the community realm—relating to others.

I so easily forget so many things.

Like conveying messages for people. Like the fact that my roommate wouldn’t be here tonight. Things slip through cracks in my mind so very easily, usually because I’m focused and consumed with myself and my own issues.

Lessons that I “ought” to have learned must be repeated over and over, because I have failed to learn them with my heart.

My head knows the truth—I like being able to have all the doctrinal boxes checked: God is good. God is in charge. My life is in His hands. I’m trusting Him. My satisfaction is found in Him alone. He’s doing all things for His glory. He’s the one who controls my life. He’s on the throne of the Universe.

Still, somehow, there’s a communication breakdown. Not with my mouth (or in many cases, my fingers—writing or typing). I can say all the right words.

But how often does my heart believe it? How often do my actions show it? As I look back on the past months and years, even as I review my journal from last fall….I must admit not as often as I would like.

Sometimes I get so caught up in analyzing what I’m thinking, feeling, doing…I get so busy trying to process the things I’ve been through, that I forget to love people. I forget to live as Christ’s ambassador…because I’m examining myself under a microscope.

How does one trust God in daily life? How does one reflect His image to others?

Honestly, I feel like I don’t know how to do that very well.

But I want to learn. And I hope I am, bit by bit (or as they say here, "slowly by slowly").

Sometimes (oftentimes), it gets to a point where I’m too full. Where I can’t read another chapter, where I can’t digest another article from someone’s blog. But I’m bad at actively seeking and finding outlets for what I’m taking in. I try to process it through writing, and end up questioning what good that does.

As an introvert, I physically don’t feel like it’s possible for me to be around people all the time. But people are what matter most after God, right? How am I to live a life of total service and love? Obviously, I can’t in my own strength.

Today I was catching up on a friend’s blog. I was working on a major processing project. I’m in the middle of a blog “series” that I want to write the next one of. I’ve got a couple work assignments I could work on. So many directions I could go, so many ways I could spend my time.

But instead, I went and lay out under the stars for a while. I sought to take a breath, to be still before my Creator. And I took comfort that Christ, my model – even He had to take times when He got away from ministering to the people around Him, times of prayer and spiritual nourishment alone with His Father.

Most certainly, I am not saying that I have been serving like my Master served. Not nearly. I often think much about reaching out to people and touching their lives in a way that will have eternal value. But usually I end up in my hut, sometimes trying to satisfy my own selfish desires…sometimes in activities with a nobler goal but still with a me-centered practical result.

So this post doesn’t pretend to have the answers.

It’s just me being real…recognizing an issue.

But I don’t want it to stop there. It so often does with me. Last fall, I recognized a path my thoughts and feelings were leading me down. And my actions continued taking me down that same path. And that had consequences.

I have 17 full days left here at Kasana. I don’t want to waste those days. Abba Father, show me how to invest the time You have given me here. Help me listen to Your conviction & promptings. Teach me to trust.

I am simply a shooting star in the sky of God’s plan. A momentary blip. But I am a person over whom God has made claim. I have been bought with a price—my life is not my own. I want to spend it in His service. For the sake of His great name.